Are you caring for your parent(s)?
By miamilady
@miamilady (4910)
United States
June 9, 2008 7:17am CST
I was going to use the word "elderly", but I'm not ready to put that label on my dad yet.
There comes a time in life where our roles reverse.
The once that nurtured and cared for us, eventually need us to return the favor.
My mother, passed away earlier this year, so she, unfortunately didn't get to that point.
My father was left behind. He's the one that didn't get out much unless my mom pushed him.
He isn't that old. He's about 76yrs old. But, he's slowing down. He has knee problems. It's hard for him to stand up or sit down. His knees just won't cooperate.
I am the youngest of 4 brothers and sisters and I am the one that lives closest to him.
My brother's and sisters are concerned and they like to tell me how concerned they are, but I am the one who lives nearest, and therefore, I am the most resposible for him.
I had a scare a few days ago. We were planning to go to my nephews graduation. I was going to pick him up and we were going to go together.
I usually call my dad every morning. I have it set on my Outlook Explorer to remind myself at 10am (he sleeps late because he doesn't sleep at nite).
I don't always call him exactly at 10, but most mornings I call him by 11.
The calls are usually very brief. He's either "going to get up" or he's "going to sleep a while longer".
Either way, he usually takes his daily meds at that time.
I don't think I was able to call him that morning at the usual time. That afternoon, on the way home from my part time job, I called him. He didn't answer. I decided to stop by his house before I went to my own to start getting ready for my nephews graduation.
He was in his room. His VERY HOT room. He said, "I'm glad you decided to come over". He was laying on his bed, not able to stand up. He said he'd been trying to get up for at least 10 minutes. (It could have been longer).
I had to help him get up. He was off balance and couldnt' walk on his own. I had to help him to the bathroom. I think he was dehydrated. He may have been suffering from mild heat stoke. (we live in miami and he hates using the a/c)
He's okay now, but I'm worried more than ever about him. Now I'm calling him 3-4 times a day and I see him at least once a day.
Do you have a similar experience?
10 people like this
28 responses
@scarlet_woman (23463)
• United States
9 Jun 08
just my mom.she's not well enough to live on her own.
she's only 63,but in very bad shape for her age.she has a whole list of things wrong with her including mini-strokes.i do the cooking,laundry,anything else needed pretty much.
i wouldn't call her elderly either.
she'd have a fit 
1 person likes this
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
9 Jun 08
My dad is the same way but a bit older. He still does his finances a little bit but I do have to check that he adds and subtracts correctly. He can't cook for himself etc. So he is with me and has been for over 4 years now. At times it is almost like I have another child to raise though. But I love him and will take care of him till the end more than likely.
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
1 person likes this
@scarlet_woman (23463)
• United States
9 Jun 08
that's exactly how i feel sometimes..like i'm raising a large child
ah well.it's not her fault.
ah well.it's not her fault.
@faith210 (11224)
• Philippines
9 Jun 08
Hi miamilady! I am glad to know that your father is alright now. I just hope that he will use the a/c now since it is really getting hot nowadays. I admire you for taking care of your father and checking up on him from time to time. I do care for my own father but he lives an hour away from me. I just call him and text him everyday to see if he is alright. My mom has passed away already. I am the eldest. Although my father don't have any major health problems at the moment, but I know he has some minor ones. I do get worried also but he always insist that he is fine. i just hope that I could get him and live with us one day.
Take care and God bless! 
@eachen2002 (889)
• United States
10 Jun 08
i help my folks and i resent it sometimes because they try and make me feel like i owe it to them,my mom has alot of health problem and is always complaining of some ache or pain.She gets in a bad mood alot expecially when things don't go her way.I guess i never thought they would get old,they were always really vital and energetic when they were younger.
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
12 Jun 08
I can understand your frustration, especially when they seem to be ungrateful, but try to be patient.
Take Care
@Pose123 (21635)
• Canada
10 Jun 08
Hi miamilady, It is good to know that you are concerned about your dad, and want to do your best for him. It is often difficult to care for parents especially if you have children and are working as well. My mother lived with us for 9 years after my father passed on, but she was really no burden, as she was healthy most of the time. Even though I don't think she was difficult to live with, I still felt grateful to my late wife because not everyone wants their mother-in-law living with them. Home care seems to be the big thing in our area today. Many people are still living at home in their 80's and 90's and have someone come in every day to cook, clean, and wash for them. It takes a big burden of the family. Blessings.
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
12 Jun 08
I have a 15 year old daughter and a 12 year old boy. Yes, it's a challenge keeping track of them AND my dad!
As much as I care about my dad and love him, I don't think I could move him in with me. He's got very strong opinions about some things and I still have a few leftover issues from my childhood with him.
Thankfully, I'm not angry with him, but sometimes things can be uncomfortable.
He seems to be doing okay since that incident.
We think it might have had something to do with some sleeping pills that he was using. It could have been that combined with the heat and his general weakness in his knees. I think it was just a lot of things happening at the same time.
I do check in with him several times a day, by phone and I see him at least once a day.
I just wish my brother and sisters would make more of an effort to at least CALL him a little more often!
If it comes to the point where he would need homecare, I hope he will be open to it.
He seems to have some tendencies of being too proud to want help.
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21635)
• Canada
12 Jun 08
Hi again miamilady, I can understand what you are saying here, and your brother and sisters should take more responibility. I am 68 years old now and never want to be a burden to my children. It is not easy having a parent living in with you, especially when you have children. When we get older, we are often set in our ways and can be difficult. Blessings.
@Jama34 (2)
•
10 Jun 08
I'm trying to help my whole family, really.
I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 20. We both still live at home because we're in college and it's ridiculously expensive. A few months ago,though, my boyfriends parents lost their home. His mom has health problems and a lot of other things piled up and nothing good came of it. The whole family was split up and he had nowhere to stay. So he came to live with us (me, my mom and my brother)
Mom is already in debt. Not horribly...we're making our bills, but thats about it. When Dad found out about my boyfriend living with us, though, he cut us off completely. This was a major blow, as he payed child support, car insurance, health insurance and paid for my gas.
My boyfriend has a really good job, so he helps us out. Mom has taken on a 2nd job in the afternoons and weekends, I'm looking for a full-time job for the summer and part time when I start back to school (in addition to federal work-study) and doing surveys and mylot. Every little bit helps us.
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
12 Jun 08
Sounds like you all are doing a good job of working together to make the best of a difficult situation.
@betty_lee (3)
• China
10 Jun 08
i haven't this experience,my parents are 63 years old, it's lucky, they are health at present,i hope they always keep this situation, always health.
@lucy02 (5015)
• United States
10 Jun 08
Hi miamilady! I am sorry about your losing your mom. I had been away from here awhile and did not know.
I take care of my mom as much as she will let me. She lives with me now. She has blood pressure, heart problems, mild diabetes, bipolar, and paranoid schizoid disorder. She had heart surgery almost 2 yrs ago. The heart surgeon took her off her psychiatric meds which caused some major problems. She then quit taking all her other meds too and hearing voices. The paranoia got out of control. She could not sleep. We had to put her in the hospital to get her back on her meds.It was a major ordeal to get her help. She is on some newer meds now and they don't control her mental problems as well so I have to watch her. She was with me in Walmart a few weeks ago one night. She said she was going to sit up front not long after we got there. When I got up front she was nowhere to be found. We had the employees looking for her and I had my husband call the police cause I was afraid she had walked out of the store and took off down the road. We finally found her in the store. I don't know if she got lost or was just playing games with me. At one time she said she got lost and then she said she had sat down and got back up so I don't really know. She tends to do things like that when she gets mad but she also gets confused. She tries to be independent and gets mad that I give her the meds. She won't let me help her make out her checks or anything. I had to get a conservatorship to get her back in the hospital to take the meds cause she refused to go on her own. I think she had a small stroke one day and I could not get the hospital to treat her even though I had medical power of attorney. They said that only came into play if she was unconscious. Some days are good and some are bad but I know I am lucky to still have mom. She is 81 years old and I don't know what I'd do without her.
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
9 Jun 08
I have been my fathers caregiver for over 4 years now. He is only 84 and he has lived with us the past 4 years as well. he has a heart problem and has had a few strokes prior to moving in with my wife and I. He has had one minor storke since living here as well as a few operations to keep him going and stay healthy. His memory is shot. he does not get around like before either. I have a health aide that comes once a week to assist in giving him a shower as I am not able to do a lot of the bending due to my back. He now also has physical therapy twice a week right now as he needs to get his biody moving once again. He is not crippled just lazy and does not like mov9ng even as far as walking through the house. Dad also has a really hard time getting up. We got an electric lift chair for him which makes getting up easier from the chair. His bed is high off the floor also making it easier for him to get up. But if he sits on the couch or love seat he can spend 15 minutes trying to get into an upright position again. As far as heat, my dad has no choice when it gets hot as I pay the electric bill and I use the AC when it's hot and or humid. He likes to ear a shirt as well as a long sleeved flannel shirt all year long even during the sweltering humid days of August and Septemeber. I could go on and on but will stop my babbling here.
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB!!~
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
9 Jun 08
Hi webe,
Thanks for your reply! I have been thinking that one of those electric lift chairs would be good for my dad. I've seeen them in a medical supply store next to a diner that I ate at.
I just think my dad is too stubborn to want to buy anything to accomadate some of his challenges.
I'm also suprised to hear there is someone else, besides my dad that prefers things hot!
@knight_rlc26 (362)
• Philippines
23 Jun 08
i salute you for your heartful concern of your parents. that, you regularly check him up in a day... it never happens to him because i am far away from my parents. if ever given a chance to be near with them, i would also do what you did to your parents. i would like to be their life caregiver at one time in their lives. but, unfortunately im miles away from my parents and due to some financial concerns... i just call them up sometimes. but, i show to them that i love, care and miss them...
@kellys3ps (3723)
• United States
12 Jun 08
My mom lives with us - even though she isn't really "elderly", she is only 55, but already unable to care for herself.
@musicman6 (2407)
• United States
10 Jun 08
Yes miami, I am so sorry to hear about your mom, I had no idea, I knew I hadn't heard from you in a while! I want to express my deepest sympathy!
And yes, I am the one that has gotten in that position of taking care of my parents!
I got cancer in 2005, and had to quit working, and lived with my parents while I was having treatment and surgeries! My kids are all grown up, and I was by myself anyway!
Right when I was getting ready to go back to work in 2007, my mother got real sick with arthritis, and is in a wheelchair, and my Dad can barely get around, (he's 86), so between me and one of my sisters, we take care of them 24hrs a day, doing housework, feeding, and errands, and medications!
Yes, it's a drudgery, but somebody has to do it, and I think, that God has prepared me for this! I am strong emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually,and am dealing with it day after day!
Caring for the welfare of others, that's what I've done all my life!
What helps me and my sister, is, that when we need help my other 6 siblings pitch in and help!
Miami, I do hope that God has helped heal your loss, and continues to bless you and your family, for "the road is long, and with many a winding turn"!
@sharonercastillo (888)
• Philippines
12 Jun 08
i have promised to myself long long time ago that i will take care of my parents when the time comes that they can no longer take care of themselves, but unfortunately my father did not get to that, he passed away at the age of 69, heart attack, even at that time i was praying, that if he pass that and live, even paralize, i'll take care of him...
my mother is still capable of taking care of herself, but we are worried about her too. i live far from her, so i rely on my older sister to check on her... but i call her often just to ask her how she is...
@Lambchoper (538)
• United States
10 Jun 08
My sister and I both quit our jobs and spent three years in the trenches taking care of our dad. It was a nightmare.
We slept on the floor of his hospital room to keep the bored caregivers from killing him. They would forget to turn his oxygen back on, they tried to give a man with a GI bleed heparin, they were unconcerned that his bowls hadn't moved for a week or so and they poo pooed our concern until his stomach hardened and he started going septic.
We managed to keep dad alive and when his insurance coverage was up they sent him home to die. He was on a gurney to weak to lift his head. We learned how to lift dad to change his diapers to change his sheets without moving him and he lived.
He gained his weight back and because we also learned physical therapy and we forced dad to exercise he regained his mobility.
Here's what else we learned....not everyone in the family felt the strength of the bonds we did. Not everyone in the family gave a crap if dad lived or if only two of us had put our own families on hold and did the job at hand. Not everyone in the family was what I would consider family.
My dad is still alive 8 years later and my sister and I are grateful for every lesson we learned.
We also have cut all contact with half of those we thought had our backs like we had theirs.
I will caretake again for every member of my family if the need arises and it will but the list is a little smaller these days.
@Libra67 (11)
• United States
9 Jun 08
My mom takes care of her mother and she is now where someone has to even bathe her. She is 80 and her health is going down more every day. It has taken a toll on my mom because she has to constantly keep a check on my grandma. We have tried to get someone to help her out during the day, but she is not too nice to many people. It is hard to take care of an elderly parent. Just make sure that you take care of yourself as well. If you don't, it can really take a terrible toll on you.
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
9 Jun 08
Thanks for the advice and sharing that information about your mom and grandmother. My mother also cared for my Grandmother. She was in really bad shape at the end. She had cancer and came home basically for the end of her life. She was on morphine. My mother basically cared for her completely. I was 17 at the time and pretty self absorbed (as most teens are at that age). I know it was hard on my mother. I helped to some degree, but probably not as much as I should have.
@jcj_111776 (3216)
• Philippines
10 Jun 08
We're in the same situation. My father who's past 60 years old lives alone in our old apartment while my mother lives with my eldest sister in the province. And like you, among 4 siblings, I'm the one nearest to him. But I have to travel almost 2 hours to visit him.
It's a very good thing you've decided to go to his house. And I'm glad that he's ok. I understand what you're feeling because you just don't know what may happen next. My father also suffered from a mild heat stroke. But my siblings and I only knew about this after a week, when he remembered to tell us. He said he might have fainted while watering the plants because he woke up, lying on the ground.
The worry can be overwhelming sometimes because I feel the same way. That's why I make it a point to call him, check how he's doing. He still goes to work and I don't know when he's going to retire. But my siblings and I always worry about him, living alone. He has some stomach problems but refuses to go see a doctor. His stomach looks bloated and he can only eat certain foods. He also has some feet problems that makes walking painful for him sometimes.
We are urging him though when he does retire, to also live in the province with my mother and sister. That way, if ever an emergency happens, he won't be alone and he can be given immediate care.
@meiyeec511 (405)
• Malaysia
10 Jun 08
Yes, sure I will care for my parents, they grew me up and take care of me since I was young, they provided education and healthy growing environment for me. They contributed so much for me. Especially my mother.
But nowadays, I used to work outside of my hometown, will not stay at home everyday. I can't take care of my parents everyday. Waht can I do?
Have to work and earn money. I wish I can earn more money to afford my parents, so that they can live much more better, they can travel anytime as they can, buy anything as they wish, spend money anywhere as they could. But I haven't reach that level, I feel regret. :(
My parents are getting older, I just hope they always be happy and healthy.
I understand to avoid them to be worried, I have to live nicely. So I will take care of myself very well when working outside here.
I love my parents very much. I wish they will be happy and healthy always.
@redkey65 (221)
• China
10 Jun 08
i have a younger brother who has already take a job. both me and my brother are far away from home. we just go back home once a year in spring festival. my parents is only 51years old. while, many times i would miss them, and i would called them at least once a week. i want to make sure that they are both fine.
@ramyashreesk (1021)
• India
10 Jun 08
Hey hi! even i love my parents very much. I believe almost all children would be respecting there parents, depending on the relations they maintain.
Don't you worry about your father, he would definitely become perfect and good as before.
My Best Wishes,
Regards,
@lamelslissa (33)
• United States
10 Jun 08
Well my story is kinda similar. I am the youngest of one sister and two brother all of us are really far gaped in age. The oldest, my sister, is 15 years older than me, and I also live closest to both my Mom and Dad. My parents are 64 and 66 and I am starting to see a lot of changes in my mom and her health. She is diabetic among a lot of other things and now lately she has what are called goiters growing on her thyroid. My dad is more healthier but has problems of his own too. But my parents have become very dependent on me. I am only 27 and have a husband and three boys of my own. I am worried about my mom because she forgets a lot and repeats herself and stories from the past a lot. I find myself getting frustrated sometimes and I have to catch myself.(I know I shouldn't)I know one day they will get to the point where they too will need someone to care for them and I feel for you and understand your position. I wish you and your grandfather all the best and I will keep you in my prayers.
