Spousal communication problems

You both have already started the process of fixing it by acknowledging to each other that it is a problem. Too often, couples don't vocalize the things that are bothering them about the other person, and it builds resentment and leads to the demise of the relationship. By being honest with each other and having open communication, you can figure out a way to fix the problem. I think the best way to begin fixing it is to remind each other when you hear the other one doing it. If he's yelling, tell him he's doing it so he can calm down and talk to you normally. And vice versa. If you're both truly unaware that you're doing it, then the reminders should help. Second, if you're both worked up to the point that you're both screaming at each other, then you need to both agree to table whatever discussion you're having until you can both communicate more effectively. My husband and I used to get into arguments and yell at each other, and all it does it lead to more yelling. You can't listen very well when your mouth is open. Once we'd had some time to calm down, we were able to get to the heart of the matter and come to a solution without screaming. We celebrated our 9th anniversary last Thursday, so it must be working.

The only thing I can say is you have to make an honest choice to stop. I have been watching Joyce Meyer online every single day of the week and her words of wisdom have helped me so much. The changes I have been making have affected the way my husband reacts to me. Of course they haven't happened overnight... baby steps. I write down notes when I watch her and I can give you some of the things she has said that might help. "Stop waiting for your circumstances to change - You change." "Being angry at someone is not going to change anything." "You can do anything you want to do." "Sometimes we're not aware we are angry at someone. They may not know we are angry at them. So what's the point?" "When past issues re-surface, God wants us to see the good, to heal, to deal with the issues." "Each difficult day is bringing you into a greater day." "The seed of patience within me can only be developed through the darkness of every day trials." "The devil sets you up to get you upset." I've got a ton more but hopefully some of these will hit home. If you want to check out her teachings, she is at http://www.joycemeyer.org. She has really helped me change when I never thought I could. If you watch the episode from Saturday, June 21st, you will see her talk about her relationship with her husband. You can go back and watch past episodes. Counselling can help but you have to want to make the changes in order for it to be successful. Try making an honest effort. When one of you starts to raise the voice, have the other one point it out. Stop it before it gets out of control. I wish you luck and hope I have helped somse.

i think that it is great that you both see it as a problem. It sounds like you two should seek out a impartial third party and talk about it. It doesn't have to be a counselor, it could be a pastor or even a mutual friend.I think if you can try to set some guidelines and you will be okay. good Luck. Take Care.

Well I've found that sometimes when folks are trying to talk to eachother especially married couples it's a battle for power and domination of the conversation. To me the best way to fix that problem is write down what you want to say or whats bugging you and give it to your partner to read. This way you can get everything out that's on your mind wihtout interuption and without yelling. It also gives them time to think about what they want to say back to you so you can have a calm conversation. I say give that a try and see if it works.

Ah! I've got one! Wrld, when you or your husband hears an elevation in voice or just noise in the conversation, mentally or even physically take a step back. That'll be the signal things are getting heated or too loud. You have to keep this in mind the moment you have serious talks. I know its hard since these talks can just result from conversation or other casual events. Another. You might just need a break or perhaps more alone time. I don't just mean the "alone time" as a couple, there is also time each person needs. To think, to be themselves (no matter what's said, there is still a persona being worn when dealing with the other person, common psychology), to pursue their hobbies and desires. Other than that, some relaxation time together could help you out. True but calm honesty can work too. I mean really communicate your feelings but be calm, even tone. I'm feeling x or y about this issue or something around the house. I'm feeling x about y or I don't like how you talk about z. Being that open may help both of you build a stronger foundation in communication and your relationship. The minute one person raises voice thats the cue to back off or say a signal word: it can be "volume" or "less shout, more calm", or something silly "I don't think Johnson down the street heard you, but your not talking to him, you are talking to me". The silly could get you both laughing, ease tension and help you return to more reasonable tones of voice. You might even reach the conclusion the whole argument was silly.

I'm sorry I haven't got a solution for you, but I thought I would respond just to let you know that you aren't alone! An interesting thought for you to consider though ... I always thought that my partner and I could blame our communication issues on a language barrier. However, I've recently worked out that we think in totally different ways. So when one partner is explaining something, the other sometimes doesn't 'get it' because of the way it has been explained. I haven't worked out how to get round this yet, but something to think about none the less. Best of luck solving your communication problems!

Yes I know how that can be when emotions are running high but perhaps the best thing is not to speak at all to each until one or the other calms down and is in a better state of mind. That is pretty much what I do with my partner. Sometimes you just need to sit alone and calm down and really think about the whole thing with a clear mind but you have to calm yourself down first. So best thing is to leave the room and go and do that even if it takes you an hour or so, at least you can then speak better when you are calmer.

Are you both under a lot of stress from work, kids, finances? If so, maybe counseling would be a good idea. It seems like its stress related. You could also try to go away for weekend to have some time alone together and just relax. Good luck!

good day... When one is angry let that one talk and the one that is calm listens and let that person finish. After which when both are already calm you can talk about the issue with clear heads and calm hearts. But if you too are in a bad mood and ready for bashing, I guess you too have to col it off before talking. One can get out of the house while the other can take the shower, anything that can prevent the two of you from clashing. If you are both calmed down then you can talk. Communication only requires two thing, one should talk and the other shoild listen that's it.

Both of you are aware about your problem. Why don't you sit and talk about this with a cool head. In my opinion both you argue for every thing. You have to voluntarily stop that and then try to listen the other speaks. As a begining you can try this. When ever your husband raise his voice, you listen to him and then take a break and understand what he said and after that try to convince him your view - if you have a different vies- in a low voice and make him to analyse the situation and point out the draw back of his opinion in a friendly manner. Never let him feel that you are finding fault on him but he should feel that you are stating the fact. I know it is a bit to practice this. But for the sake of your relation you have to practice this and if you continue like this for a few days he will understand that there is no point in arguing with each other. You can discuss the matters in life with out arguing and shouting with each other. Both of you should try to respect each other and value each others view and opinion. If this and other myLotters advice do not work, you can consult a cousellor.

You're quite lucky to have received good advices posted by the others. I also commend you for being brave in acknowledging that you have marital problems and would need a solution. This shows how committed you are to your marriage and your relationship. Just thinking out of the box. Maybe you can try alternative means of communicating when discussing issues that concern you both. Maybe writing notes to each other or sending e-mails each other might work. This practice veers away from verbal altercations you seem to reach whenever you have heated discussions. Counseling at this point is not necessary. You've only been married 2 years. You're still adjusting to each other. Give yourselves time, you'll get there.

Me and my husband have been together for 3 years. If we are mad at each other we talk it out...if one of us are really upset we would just go and try to calm down before talking to each other. We try to never go to bed mad either. It takes the both of you to stop yelling and listening....can't just blow up everytime. It takes work and patiences. Try working on it yourselves and if that doesn't work then you can try couseling. It just takes discipline for the both of you to stop, calm down then talk to each other. I hope I was alittle help for you.

the only thing that can be said about this is that you both have to decide if you really want the relationship to work, becuase you both know there is a problem, but nobody seems to be doing anything. So it is up to you guys. You have to try harder. Maybe you can figure out what is causing the miscomunications and then try and stop it before it happens.

hi, i think this is the most common problem all the married couples face.. 1 year is sooooo rosy rosy..and the 2 year starts with all the life realities...even i have heard a lot about these things and undergone as well...but now what i do is just dont continue the argument..i just keep qiute and leave the room instead...i keep mum for the time...and after a while both of us feel that we need to solve our issues so we talk and resolve...so u may try out this for once if it works out for u... all the best

Hello, You started to create communication when you both sat down and discussed that you do have an issue with yelling at each other. I agree with one of the other responders that when you start to yell at each other, the first one that yells needs to listen to the second person say the words "We are not suppose to yell about this". My hubby and I did this, and it was because I was fed up with him and he was fed up with me being fed up with him. lol We eventually got out of it though. I told him what was aggravating me and I couldn't handle it anymore and he agreed to change things (try to anyway) and that's how we got through it. I don't know what is causing you to raise your voices to each other, but there is a reason for it, you just need to get to the bottom of the situation and correct it. Maybe try a romantic dinner or a trip to find each other again. Sometimes things like that help. I don't think counseling is not necessary right now, but it it continues to become a problem, you may want to seek some. Good Luck in rectifing the situation and having regular normal talks again. ~Icy~

i guess so..since theres still no good result when even two of you got an agreement not to raise voice when in its not warranted..neverthless i guess what you need most and your hubby is a dicipline on oneself..it takes a while to practice it but keep on trying its good for the marriage..

Hi there wrld_n_harmony, since you were both open about it and you have talked about the issue which is a good thing, you just need one of you to cool down and when one will start to shout or raise the voice, one is there to remind like oppps,,,,we are not deaf! I know you can do that and as a girl, maybe you have more patience to start doing it, I know for sure, when you will remind him he will realized!