Why do my husband not support my decision, for the benefit of our daughter?
By ch88ss
@ch88ss (2271)
United States
July 1, 2008 2:36pm CST
Though my five year girl is autistic, but she makes me laugh all the time. I see her needs as different and I feel it is my job as a mother to do my very best and not complain about what an inconvenience it is. But My husband seem to think and feel otherwise.
I just feel helpless and need to vent and fuss about it.
There is so much to do and I don’t have enough time to do them.
I need to call the social therapist about the new schedule, I need to be at work on time, my 12 year old son is acting up as a teen, there is a virus on my son’s new computer, I need to fix that too. My husband wants me to change all of her therapy schedule for the summer because he complained that he does not want to do the driving back and forth. I am stressed because the therapist schedules are so booked, that I am afraid that when school begins in fall, I need to rework all her schedule again. This stresses me out all the time. Not to mention making sure the bills are paid on time, the amount of work in the office and my son’s grade dropped.
To add to the stress, The summer camp does not start until 8:45 and ends at 2:45. I will be in trouble for being late to work, and then leaving early to pick her up.
Now I don’t know how to manage to pick her up at 2:45 because I work until 6pm. I hate the schedule, but I have to stick with this program because this summer program is designed especially for autistic children and she will benefit from this program. It does make me wonder why the program has such odd hours, don’t they realize there are working parents.
I feel hopeless, helpless and need an assistant.
Oh don’t we all need an assistant.
I can’t talk to my husband because he adds extra stress to my life, he tells me to do the opposite of what I am doing. He complained about the summer program schedule and wants me to drop it and enroll her in a regular summer program with extended hours. How? My daughter will benefit from this summer program because it is designed for kids with special needs. He warns me everyday that I a might lose my job because I constantly take so much time off.
I feel quite disappointed that my career is placed on hold while I care for my daughter, but if that is what it takes, I shall insist on doing the best. Why should my job matter, if my daughter needs me? It is his daughter too….!!!
His opinion about this summer program really destroys my last hope. I feel I am fighting this ASD battle all by myself.
since he does not speak English well and does not know enough about his own daughter, so I need to be at those meetings all the time. So it is only me who attends all those meetings, fill out all the application, make all the phone calls, and work out all the schedules for her therapy. I feel that when I share with him my concerns or try to work out a schedule, he only tells me what I already know. “Your boss is going to be upset with you” I think I know that already and don’t need to hear it from my husband anymore.
AH, I feel little bit better now that I typed it all out. Though I do need a good cry and a high pitch scream while standing on top of the mountain or something.
6 people like this
11 responses
@jillbeth (2705)
• United States
1 Jul 08
It's too bad your husband isn't more supportive, and doesn't care enough to make a little extra effort for your daughter's benefit. Can the summer program provide transportation? or maybe they can help you find another camp family to carpool with.
Being willing to put your career on hold for your child shows a great gift for motherhood. It will make so much difference in your children's lives, a better reward than any other career can offer. I'll keep you in my prayers.
1 person likes this
@ch88ss (2271)
• United States
2 Jul 08
There is no such program available to take her. I doubt there is anybody available for carpool since I live 15 miles from the site and my daughter needs to be taken to different therapy sessions throughout the day that it is difficult.
I think I don’t have a choice but to put my career on hold. When I decided to be a mother, I realized that my kids comes first and when I get old my employer will not remember who I was. My children however, will remember when I attend their graduation, showed up for Christmas party etc.
I love being a mother. You are right it is more rewarding than anything else.
1 person likes this
@christies2boys (560)
• United States
1 Jul 08
I'm so sorry that all of this is happening to you.I hear your pain in your post.You are the mom so of course you will do anything that it takes to help your child.It sounds like your husband doesn't want to deal with the situation.Because he knows that you will take care of it.It's too bad that the summer camp can't have a more flexible schedule for the parents that do work.It really does sound like a great camp for your daughter.I pray that it does work out for you my friend.Please keep us posted.( HUGS)
1 person likes this
@ch88ss (2271)
• United States
2 Jul 08
Thank you for your post and response.
Appreciate your support, it means so much to me when I know I can write all my feelings out and somebody is there to hear me out.
My husband really just made it living hell for me when he makes the situation difficult by adding more stress to the situation.
Sometimes I wonder, if I was a single mother maybe the summer camp and regional center will offer me more help and sympathy.
All my coworker, thinks that since I am married I can expect my husband to help out. Are they so wrong, when they see how he acts.
Thank you for your prayers.
2 people like this
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
2 Jul 08
well, i'm sorry to say this... but i think your husband is very selfish... the child is not only yours but also his... so he can't just put all the burdens on you and let you do all the hard work... husband and wife should be a team including when raising a child in a family... i think you have to be a bit stern with him and tell him that you are not going to do everything for him... especially if you have to put your job at risk because he doesn't want to help you... take care and have a nice day...
@ch88ss (2271)
• United States
2 Jul 08
Actually I don't mind doing all this, I just hate it when he constantly remind me that I should not risk my job to take care of the therapies and attending meeetings at school for her.
Which I just don't understand, if he does not want me to miss so much time at work, then why don't he pitch in and help out and not fuss.
I rather do it all by myself because he fusses about it too much . So I to it myself and he fuss that he is afraid I might lose my job, then when I ask him to help out so I can be at work again, he fusses that it is too much time taken out of his day.
he gets off earlier than me and usually the therapy sessions are held during the time he is already off from work.
@ch88ss (2271)
• United States
4 Jul 08
I resent my husband soo much.
When we do have our bigger argument, he blames our failed marriage on our daughter, with this being said. I told him, no man in this world can tell me to choose between my kids or them.
Even if it is their father. My kids comes first and don't tell me otherwise. It was harsh, but he hears it, understands it but does not agree.
I tried so many things and now at my last nerve. I am going to my sister place to have some fun and leave him at home.
I still have not had time to talk to him about my school yet.
@travibabiesgirl (1690)
• United States
2 Jul 08
ch88ss,
He gets off work in time to pick her up and still refuses to help? Yet he wants to put all that stress on you for no reason. He is a real jerk and very selfish. He don't have to have good english just to pick her up. He is using excuses and putting all the work on you because he knows he can.
lingli_78,
your right her husband is being very selfish. She does need to put her foot down and tell him enough is enough.
@dragonfly242 (1060)
• Bahamas
2 Jul 08
Hi ch88ss!
You do seem to have your hands full, all to often as mothers we carry the brunt of the burden.
I have always been of the opinion that your husband could do more to help you, and he should.
As long as he doesn't help to pick up the slack,you will be overly stressed.
The only thing i can say without totally tearing your husband to threads is.. fight everyday to find that inner strenght, although you may have difficulties God will not put more on you than you can bear.
Your daughter is an angel, and he knew what he was doing when he picked you to be her mother.Continue to do your best, it'll all work out.{{{hugs}}}
@dragonfly242 (1060)
• Bahamas
4 Jul 08
You are absolutly right!
With the chanllenges you face as a family you need all the support you can get.
As parents you need to stand together, or everything you're trying to accomplish will be all the more harder to do,a house devided will surely fall.
Your husband needs to get his act together, and start supporting you.Thats the only way the burden will get easier.
As always you remain in my heart and prayers dear friend.{{{hugs}}}
@ch88ss (2271)
• United States
4 Jul 08
Hi Dragonfly,
It has been while have not heard from you lately.
I am glad you repsonded, thank you for the advice.
yes my daughter is an angel.
I just feel like finding a huge rock and hide behind it until the sun comes up.
It is difficult and stressful. Sometimes people and other friends at work and family friends tell me, I am wrong.
I should not concentrate on my daughter only and forget that I am a wife. But if that is the case, did they forget a wife cannot be a wife if the man does not behave like a husband?
I need a husband not a bickering man who complains of his duty as a father right?
@Barb42 (4214)
• United States
2 Jul 08
Does your employer know that your child is autistic and needs special care? Employers are supposed to be able to let a parent off in order to take care of personal business.My daughter worked for a clinic for 18 years and not once did her employer tell her she was unable to see about her 4 children's needs. And sometimes, the needs came often!
As your daughter's mother, you know more what she needs than anyone. I applaud you for taking such good care of her and making sure she gets the care she needs. If it were me (but it's not), I think I'd stick to the program that you already have in place. Try to work it out with your employer, and your husband needs to understand he isn't the only one being put out (although I'm sure you don't look at what you do for your daughter that way), and he doesn't have to do it as much as you do.
You are going to have to learn to not put as much stock in his words because he only tells you that you will lose your job to upset you. We often have to do things that we might not want to do at the moment, but we usually are rewarded with a good outcome when we go ahead and extend ourselves more than we had expected. Life is hard at times, but it still has it's rewards. And your daughter is a special person!
@ch88ss (2271)
• United States
4 Jul 08
Thanks Barb,
I really like your last sentence, "And your daughter is a special person" _yes she is, she always be special regardless of her needs.
What can I say, everychild has needs anyways. So i just look at it as she has a few extra needs that we as parents should do.
I think I will take your advice and ignore his comments, sometimes I like going to my boss and saying I quit.
Today was also a very horrible situation. The school called and told me I need to pick her up by 12 or drop by with the car seat. It was already 11:15, I work 40 miles away. I tried to call my parents for help, they was too busy, I knew I could not call my husband he would stress me out even.
My department all took the day off but me and my boss, but I told I had to go because school policy if she is anot able to attend the field trip, I need to pick her up.
SO I speed through freeways and got there and drop the car seat. Then all tired and hungry I drove back to work. Why? Because I did not know what else to do. If I went home, I would end up crying. I felt really horrible, my own parents did not want to offer help. They were about 7 milea way, my husband was still at work, though he does work a lot closer. I really feel like I became a single mother, with no other family members to help me.
@ch88ss (2271)
• United States
17 Jul 08
Wow you sure a a great grandmother and mother.
My parents, particulary my mom does not really want to help out. On that day she was just out hanging with friends very close by. And I was farther away but since she said she could not because she was out and about, my mom does not work. She is a stay at home wife, with no little children or any chores at home to do.
So enough of that, back to why she does not offer any help. I don't know why too. I do sometimes wonder if maybe I was the stepchild. My dad is great with me, he never says no, but he was working that time. But my mom has always told me "no" and even if she was home watching TV., she still say "NO".
I realize my husband is very much like your daughter's X. So similiar even the part where he thinks he works hard and she does not.
I think my mom wants me to divorce then she can tell me "SEE I told you so". She always hated my husband from day one.
Sounds like I am ready to be single, since I am already doing it all by myself.
but when I am single, I won't be turning to my mom for help since she did not help me when I ask for it.
Thank you for just hearing me out, it makes me feel better.
@Barb42 (4214)
• United States
4 Jul 08
I don't really know what to say. I understand your frustration, and I can't understand how parents, if they live close, couldn't help you once in awhile since you work so far away. I have gone over an hour away to school to pick up a sick grandchild for my daughter, brought them back 35 miles to the DR, and then take them back to school another 35 miles, then come back home another hour drive. I never thought of it as a problem or a nuisance, just helping my daughter. She worked in the town where I took them to the DR and it made her have to stop work, lose all that time going back to get them, taking them to the DR and them having to spend the rest of the day in her office.
And I still can't understand why your husband gets so upset. Reminds me of my daughter's X who wanted her to do everything, even though HE worked in the same town they lived in, where the kids went to school. HE couldn't be put out because HE worked hard,like she didn't! Used to make me SO mad!
@Mainframeguy (200)
•
2 Jul 08
I take it you are separated... His parenting is his business then... you need to just deal with alone - tough but true, no use going into wishful thinking
@dragonfly242 (1060)
• Bahamas
4 Jul 08
I respectfully have to disagree!
Even if they were separated, his parenting is not just his business.
He has a responsibility to his children to put their best interest first, to often one parent is left to carry the burden and this cannot be the way it was intended to be.
It maybe wishful thinking,but it should not be, every parent should have a positive impact in their childrens lives regardless if they're together or not.
Alas i must admit, one has to do what one must.{{{hugs}}}
@ch88ss (2271)
• United States
4 Jul 08
Hi, we are not separated. We are still married and live together.
So it really bugs me when he is not helping and complains that I have not done my duty as a wife to him.
What is his problem, I can't have the house clean and the child homework done, bathe and fed, story time, speech practice time at home and still have any energy left for him to nag me.
I am too tired and fussy that he wants to nag me about other things that are not important anymore.
@dfollin (25351)
• United States
2 Jul 08
Iam sorry that you are going thru this stress.I was a single parent dealing with one of children having ADD,which he didn't really have,it was just the school's lableing him.My other son had dyslexia.I lost more then one job,due to having to take off so much.But,it was well worth it for my kids sake.So,he doesn't want to drive her to therapy? What I have to say is TOUGH!!! Like you said she is his daughter too!! That's how I felt when their father's purposly were not here to help care for them.You are fighting the ASD battle yourself and doing a lot more too.Oh well if you loose your job,oh well.Your husband isn't doing anything else,he can go get a second job if the money is needed.Don't let him bring you down.We are your friends here and you can always talk to us.If you want to PM me you are more then welcome to.
@ch88ss (2271)
• United States
4 Jul 08
Hi Dfollin,
Thank you for reaching out to me.
It has been tough and I told my husband many times firmly, no one is going to stop me from helping our daughter.
If I insist he takes her to therapy, he would show up late or try to cut the session short etc.
it really ticks me off.
Yes, I think he needs to be more responsible.
I been married to him for 13 years and yet I only met you but you have reached out and willing to hear me out. And he still thinks everything will be alright without any work needed to be done.
@subha12 (18441)
• India
17 Jul 08
it is very sad indeed that whatever you are doing for the child, is not taken in good spirit and supported by your husband. i have seen men many time work irresponsible like this. when you are sacrificing so much, why he can't being the father of the child?you have to talk frankly. if he is not really interested with the child, then what to do, you ahve to take the burden/ I know it may sound very bad, but believe me, i think if you want to adjust both side(husband and child), its your decision.
@ch88ss (2271)
• United States
18 Jul 08
Thank you for your post my friend.
He says one thing and does another.
He says he is active and take part already, put his actions and constant naggings says otherwise.
It is like a child who only does their homework if he knows he can go outside and play an have ice cream later.
But once those treats are not available then the child is back to being a rude and whining child who wants the world to evolve around them.
My husband is doing just that. He thinks that it is all too much work to go through therapy without a guarantee that it is going to completely make her normal.
@angel3 (49)
•
2 Jul 08
oh my dear, you need to be heard this is the first thing I felt when I read this. Firstly a big hug(((((hug)))))
Your autistic daughter needs structure it aids her learning and progress to grow.
Is there any way you could have a chat with your employer and ask if there is any way you could do flexible hours to collect and drop off your daughter just during the new scheduled times?
This way you still have some time for your career without loosing your job and a little bit of time for yourself all be it at work.
Does your employer already know your situation?woul he allow you to do some of your work at home ? is it that kind of job?
It seems that your husband is not very supportive and you are taking on the whole responsible role.
Do every thing in small steps a little bit each day introduce a little change so that your husband realises you need his help not his critiscism.
your language barrier where forms and other things are concerned ask him to do other stuff? does he not help with trips
If this is so then why not sit down and make a plan:
1. times of your schedules for your daughter,
2. times of your bills to be paid
3. times for your son
4. times for yourself!( this is most important) even if its only ten minutes to sit somewhere quiet.
5. make a list of chores that need to be done daily giving some to your son husband.
Remember Rome was not built in a day and you are not superwoman.
Please Please give your self a huge pat on the back for managing all this so far.
@ch88ss (2271)
• United States
4 Jul 08
Hi Angel
Thank you for your kind advice and hugs, I can feel the sincerety in your message.
Yep it has been hard, I just want to be an ordinary women and have the time to love my kids and enjoy them.
My husband has time and time again disappoint me.
If we had a talk he would say "yeah, yeah" then when it is time to do it, it means nothing to him.
His words mean nothing to me, and his actions says it all.
He would then start complaining about how ineffective those therapy sessions are, or try to nag me about changing the schedules. Even though I explained to him many times that the therapist usually have many client line up for appts daily so there is no free time in between for appt adjustment each day
Then at the end because of his constant bickering about the the sessions the drive, I just say "forget" if I do it myself, I won't have to hear the bickering of it. And I also get to see for myself her progress. When I ask him about her progress he seems to know nothing.
A waste of time, The last time a therapist told him that she will be on vacation for a day and want to find out if I like to do a make up session another time or request for a sub therapist. Embarassingly, he came home and mumble that therapist had a message for me, but forgot and don't remember what it is. He claims, He does not understand her enough
About bills, ah... he will leave the bill out for me to write checks. he claims he does not know how to write checks.
and if there was any question on the bill, he expect me to explain to him the details like a secretary.
So I feel it is a losing battle. I don't know why he become the special need adult now. I have to admit I hold a lot of resentment against all that he has done. He relies on me to take care of everything, that I resent him alot for it. I even told him so and still he has not taken any effort to work together as a team.
@xXxMikesWifeyxXx (3072)
• United States
2 Jul 08
Well to start, were is your husband from?. because ive learned with my mother husbands family. people fro other country have diffrent mind sets they do not think like us.
mabey your husband feels that as the wife and mother of him and his child this should be your responsibility to do these things. alot of men actually feel that way about situations like this. have you tried to talk to him about how you feel about the way he does this?. they way he doesnt help you or support you in your dicisions and when he does want to decide somthing its never the right thing for your child its just in conveinience?... i would try that exokain to him that its hurting you and putting to much un neccesary stress on you...
i think you should do what is best for your child... OR just wuit your job and find a job in a daycare were you can take your child with you. anmd im sure because they are for the kids. they will no mond so much for you taking the time off. because it is for your kid. oppsee to other companys.
@ch88ss (2271)
• United States
4 Jul 08
thanks for the advice.
yes, my husband grew up overseas and I grew up in the states. I was eighteen and did not know better, now I wish I never married him so soon.
I rather be the mother of my children and do those things that he believes a wife should do.
But then he fusses that I need to put my priority straight. Bringing home the paycheck should be my priority. Why is that?
If he is the traditional and old fashion kind of guy, he should be fussing about my job and demanding I stay home for the kids right?
Only if he can realize that we are playing an opposite role and I seriously don't like it at all.
I can't be the father and mother and the breadwinner too.
I only want to be his children's mommy and his wife. thats all!
@travibabiesgirl (1690)
• United States
2 Jul 08
I am so sorry to hear that things are still going rough with your husband and things are rough at home. Seems like when things go wrong everything goes wrong. I am glad that venting has made you feel a little better. I don't blame you for needing to scream and cry. I think I would need the same or more in your situation. I think you are a wonderful mother doing the best she can without much help or support. I just wish that I knew of something to say to make you feel better or words of wisdom to help.
@ch88ss (2271)
• United States
4 Jul 08
Hi Travi
My friend, you have done more than I could possibly ask for.
You been there just to hear me out when I needed someone to listen to me. Without phsysically being there but you have lend me a shoulder to cry on. Thank you.
More has happen today (thursday) so I cried again and this time decided to get to work so I don't think about it all.
This time my parents made me cry, because they did not help me when I needed their help desparately today. But I can't blame them, these are my children and i should not expect them to do it if they have plans already.
Oh I better start typing faster before power goes out again. Blackout all day.
I still have not had time to talk to him about my school. I resent him so much that I don't have much to talk to him about anymore.
