Family Secrets Can Destroy....
By JTerrasi
@JTerrasi (199)
United States
July 4, 2008 1:58pm CST
What would you do if you found out that maybe your sister or brother was NOT your true sibling? You have known for years but the sibling has NO idea. Until one day it is out. A mistake? Or should she have been told early on? Also my father passed away five years ago. Before he got so ill he started working on the Family Tree. He did find out that who he thought his father was....was not! He never got to finish or ask questions. The secret was let out about 30 years ago. Do I have regrets? Yes. How I went about telling her but no regrets telling her something she sgould have known. I would have wanted to know. Please..What do you think?
3 people like this
6 responses
@maple_kisses (2156)
• Philippines
5 Jul 08
It will indeed change the family. I remember my Mom's discomfort and dismay when I came to her one day and asked her if I really am my Dad's daughter. You see, my sister and I used to fight a lot when we were younger, and she used to call me adopted. I seem to believe her because I was the darkest of us all and my sisters seem to get the same looks as my Dad and I don't. I felt miserable during those times until I can't keep it within me anymore and I asked my Mom.
My Mom of course told me I am 100% my Dad's daughter. My Dad and I were never that closed though, so I'm not sure if I believed her then. Until now, I'm wondering about the truth. I'm sure my Mom and Dad love me and I love them just as much too. The truth wouldn't matter anymore. I mean, if he isn't my real Dad, so what? He's been my Daddy and he'll always be my Daddy, nothing can change that.
Sometimes the truth will sting, yet we always demand for the truth. The question is "Would it matter?". Do you think things will change once you knew about the truth? Would you have accepted it readily and just shrug it off like it's of no importance? Sometimes, not knowing is comfortable. A cliche' tells us that "What we don't know won't hurt us"...
@JTerrasi (199)
• United States
5 Jul 08
I read your words and I must tell you I live by the truth. And what about my sisters boys who are adults now. They have a grandpa they don't even know. My sister has a history she knows nothing about. She too is darker than my brother and myself. Why secrets? People make mistakes...I have made many. But don't punish someone by not telling them who 'they really are'. I knew for many years before I even asked my aunt about. She asked me who told me? No one. I just had a feeling that happen to be right. I hope by now my sister has met her real dad. She deserves that much.
Thank you for your sharing with me.
J
@maple_kisses (2156)
• Philippines
5 Jul 08
Yes, I understand.. I'm sure the truth always sets us free..
@smallT (376)
• United States
6 Jul 08
I am quoting something I remember my mother saying: "the truth always rises to the top."
In my opinion, you did the right thing.
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
5 Jul 08
well, there is no point in regretting as nothing that you do can reverse the situations... anyway, you had grown up with her and i believe you have developed a sibling relationship... i don't think the news should destroy that relationship... she might be upset and disappointed when she heard the news at first... but eventually she has to learn to accept it as well... she might want to find out as well who is her real father... but i think nothing bad should happened... good luck... take care and have a nice day...
@JTerrasi (199)
• United States
5 Jul 08
Thank you for responding. I haven't talked to her since this happened. We were never close....different as day and night. I don't know what made me start thinking about how different we were. And I was pretty young. She should have been told for many reasons. Thanks again, Janet
@teka44 (3420)
• Brazil
4 Jul 08
Hi JTerrasi, welcome to mylot and good luck. I don't think that it is a thing that can destroy someone. If your father was a adopted child what the problem? When someone adopt a child it is a choice and it is better because a couple can have a child that they don't want to have. We see this all the time, couples saying that it isn't the time to have a child but they need to let the child born and born without love is the worst thing that can happen don't you think so? But adopt is a choice made with love. Don't think more about this. It happened many time ago and don't affect your life till you know this. So why thinking about it? Live your life the same way you did before know this.
Cheers.
@coopstar (282)
• United States
5 Jul 08
Hi there. My husband Coopstar asked me to respond to this. I was a little unclear at first what exactly you were asking so I just want to be clear. You are the "sibling" and you know your sister was adopted? And you told her? I think that is how I am reading this. My first question is why didn't your parents tell her? Everyone has a right to know where they came from and who they are. But we are defined as individuals on who we grow up with and we are products of our surroundings. But still, knowing our heritage is important for several reasons. What if she got sick and needed some sort of medical procedure that required a blood relative to donate? They are so many more reasons,too long to write about. You did the right thing. If you were not close to begin with, it's not because you truly aren't related. Think about it, if she weren't your sister, would she be someone you would be friends with? I was adopted and found out when I was sixteen. I had a sister who was 13 and a brother who was 10 when my parents brought me home. They knew I was adopted. My parents told me when I was 16 and I was fortunate enough to meet my birth parents. Looking back on the relationship with my older brother and sister, I don't think I was treated differently by them. However, my sister and I are not close at all and if whe wasn't my sister, she is someone I would probably not be friends with. My brother and I remain close. Anyway, don't regret what you did. Your sister is struggling with a lot, I can attest to that first hand. Give it some time and reach out to her. Hope this helps.
@JTerrasi (199)
• United States
6 Jul 08
Thank you. The story goes...My mother was pregnant with my sister when she married my dad. I saw pictures of my mom and dad then. He was in the Army. My mom was not pregnant with my dad's baby.
Anyway, as we got older but still kids during all the fights and arguments between my mom and dad my dad would always threaten my mom with telling my sister the 'truth'. I knew then my feelings were right. Pictures of my sister and I we are as different as day and night. We had nothing in common. I won't say I hated her but I had NO sister love for her. Finally when I became an adult, married and had my first child I did question my aunt about it. She asked me who told me? I said no one I had a feeling that something wasn't right our whole lives. She said my feeling was right. My sister had a different dad than me and my brother. When I did finally tell my sister I only regretted the way I told her, NOT that I did tell her. She should have been told when she was old enough to know. And if she weren't my sister, NO she is someone I would not have as a friend. I want to thank you and your husband for your comment.
Always, Janet
@joyadalia (1408)
• Philippines
10 Aug 08
Family secrets like this can truly destroy the bond of the family but if handled in a proper and loving way, I think that the family can make it through.
