I'm the mother! Do what I say!
By foxyfire33
@foxyfire33 (10005)
United States
July 23, 2008 11:01pm CST
Those are usually words meant for the kids, typically the teenagers. I'm sure a lot of us have said them or will eventually. I had an interesting night. I did not use those exact words...out loud anyway...but it was that very issue. Only it was not with a child or teenager...it was with the boys' 60+ year old grandfather.
I hate him and he hates me...it's a well known fact and yes I know that 'hate' is a strong word and I do not use it lightly, if I say I hate him I mean I hate him.
Anyway I am trying very hard to get both older boys potty trained. Yesterday the 5 year old had a sucessful day using my method so I did it with both of them today. I let them wear pants, but no pull up or underwear. They both did excellent...until he came home. He was awake from noon to 3pm and did nothing but complain that the 3 year old needed a pull up on. he stormed off to his bedroom after that and stayed in there until 6 when MIL came home...but from then on I kept hearing his comments.
It all came to a head while I was out of the room but still in hearing distance. He sent my son over to the shelf where I usually keep their changing supplies to get a pull-up since "no one else will put one on you" . I came out and asked Evy what he was doing. He told me he was getting a diaper (I had already hidden the pull ups because I do not want them to be worn except for night time) Anyway, FIL was yelling to him to bring it over and I was standing there telling him not to. I said repeatedly that he did not need a diaper or pull ups, he could get one at bed time and he certainly was not going to wear his baby brother's diaper because we don't have that many left and Nicky needs them more than he does. After that FIL launched into how he guessed he'd go to the store and buy pull ups himself if we were all too lazy to do it and a bunch of stuff I don't care to repeat. I had to walk away before I flew off even worse and while I was gone he put a diaper on the 3 year old.
This is what I have to deal with...I make progress with the training and they tear it all down. I have honestly talked about my potty training troubles so much here though, I'd rather just make this discussion about a parent's authority.
Do you think that parents and grandparents can sucessfully raise children together? Who should have more say over things...the grandparents with more experience or the actual parents who have different ideas that may be better or may not be. Do you think parents have the right keep their children away from grandparents if there are constant battles and undermining?
9 people like this
24 responses
@Barb42 (4214)
• United States
24 Jul 08
Now this is what you call meddling grandparents! If anything, he should be backing your efforts to get your children potty trained. You don't go back and forth to diapers and pants! I put training pants on both my son and daughter at an early age. My son quickly did #2 in the potty,but he kept wetting his pants. The pediatrician suggested I not change him quickly like I did with the diaper and that he would quickly decide he didn't want a wet pair of pants on and change. And, he did, very quickly. He was potty trained before 1 year. I took the diaper off my daughter at 9 months and the bottle left, as well. She never once used her training pants.
My daughter only used pullups on her children at night until they were fully trained. When the diaper left, it never came back in the house.
You, as a parent, should be in charge of your children. I could never live in the house with people who undermined what I was trying to do.
2 people like this
@p3halliwel2005 (3156)
• Philippines
24 Jul 08
I think only the parents should be there to raise their children because it's their own. Grandparents should be there to support their own children and just be there for their own children. I don't believe they should be given the right to decide for their grandchildren because it is not their own. It is now their own childrens disgression to decide what is best and what is not for their own children.
2 people like this
@academic2 (7000)
• Uganda
24 Jul 08
Both Grandies and moms can shape the life of child positively-there are core values that only grandmas have the skill to impart-i know they over PAMPER KIDS AND SOMETIMES HAVE A SPOILING EFFECT, BUT GRANDMAS CAN COMPLEMENT PARENTING ROLES OF MOTHERS
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (160612)
• United States
24 Jul 08
I actually think if there is that kind of conflict going on, it is better to keep away. I was fortunate. We visited my inlaws often, but my mil just always said her job was to love them, ours was to do the parenting. She managed to juggle four daughters in law who all had different styles, and she did it with love and compassion. My parents also were pretty cool, although they did from time to time say that I was letting my kids run my life. Of course my mom did the same.
@creative_genius (992)
•
24 Jul 08
Oh dear, that must be awful.I don't believe that grandparents and paremts can live harmoniously together most of the time. It is even more difficult when there is a clash of personalities. He needs to learn that you are the parent and it is up to you how you bring up your children. If I was you I would be moving out as soon as possible!
1 person likes this
@cbreeze (1205)
• United States
24 Jul 08
I do not believe that you co-raise your children with their grandparents. I believe that grandparents should step back and take on the responsibilities of their new role in life. They are no longer parents. They are not the final decision makers. Its fine for them to make suggestions and give guidance, but they should always respect the parents role as decision maker and has primary authority over the child. Sounds like the grandfather is having trouble accepting his role and respecting yours.
@sweetdesign (5142)
• United States
25 Jul 08
That old man needs to mind his own business he is ouot of line here. There is no reason for him to even voice his opinion in this matter. You are the mother and you need to be able to raise your kids the way you see fit. His undermining your authority is out of bounds and he needs to be put in his place and unfortunatly the one who needs to put him in his place is you s/o. I hate pullups I only feel they should be worn at night. I feel that they discourage the child from using the potty. It is like they are still in diapers there just isn't any insentive (keeping there clothes dry) for them to use the potty cause the pullup keeps there clothes dry and clean. My daughter went into cloth training pants then panties and we didn't have any confusion problems.
@Trace86 (5030)
• United States
24 Jul 08
I do not know how you restrain yourself from smashing FIL's face in! Except for the fact that you'd go to jail and he'd get his way and raise your kids.
I think the grandparents can lend guidance and assistance when it is asked for. Otherwise, they need to butt out. They had their chance to raise their own children. These are not his children, they are yours. Yours should be the ultimate authority and word. These are your children and they should be toilet trained in the way that you choose.
Grandparents and other in-laws can give opinions and advice, but you are under no obligation to take it.
My FIL helped ruin my stepson. I didn't have any authority or voice as "just the stepmother". Now I am stuck paying for it with a 21 year old moocher sponging off of me. But that is a whole other topic.
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
24 Jul 08
Actually no, it's not really another topic. I see how their son (s/o) turned out under their parenting and I see how stepson turned out under their interference. I don't want my boys to turn out like that too. It might be potty training today but if I let it slide, eventually it will be bigger issues and I'll be the one with a 21 year old sponging off of me....along with a 22 year old, a 24 year old and a 38 year old stepson along with whatever grandkids. That's what I meant in my other discussion about this not being a huge deal...but what it really meant being the problem. We're dealing with the effects of people like this butting in with our kids...I can't change how s/o and his son turned out but I can do something my little ones.
@maple_kisses (2156)
• Philippines
24 Jul 08
Gosh! This is just sad. My grandfather lives with us and he minds his own business. Not that he doesn't know what should be done during situations, he does gives pieces of advice every now and then but of course all of which are warranted. My mom or my dad or us, asked for it. He never butt in other people's conversation even if he knows a lot about the topic. He's that polite.
Anyways, I always respect my Grandpa. I'm sure my grandparents know enough parenting that's why they were able to raise people like my Mom who's beautiful in and out. But they should also know their limits. They had their chance on parenting, now is the chance for their children to learn it.
I mean, grandparents may have ideas or things to say or suggest about things like that but their ideas may be obsolete and may not work nowadays. Parents know what's best for their children, your Dad should have realized that. He shouldn't keep on defying all your knowledge as a Mom since it is not doing anything harm to the children, in fact, it is for a good cause. Grandparents do have the tendency to make things easier to their grandchildren and tend to spoil them more. That shouldn't be the case. You're the Mom, make your Dad acknowledge that fact.
But it would really be bad for the children to see their grandparents walking out of their lives because of the fighting. So I suggest you talk to your Dad and make him understand. Let him know that you're open to ideas, his ideas and will certainly consider doing things his way after seeing if its really what's best for the children. But also, he must learn to respect your right as a Mother. He raised you to become a good person for God's sake! He should learn to trust your judgment. But well, if he prefers to do it his way all the time, I think it's high time to keep his hands off your children.
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
24 Jul 08
It's my s/o's dad not my dad and he's basically a jerk that won't listen to us. Talking is pointless, he won't listen or understand and he'll keep being this way as long as he's around us because he doesn't like us and enjoys making us miserable.
@maple_kisses (2156)
• Philippines
24 Jul 08
Well then, that's it. He should stop nosing in your business. Tell him to quit butting in. He's such a disturbance to the raising of your children.. Sorry for the mistake...
@olivebranch56 (910)
• United States
27 Jul 08
I think if a Grand parent is giving good solid advice, with love behind it, by all means listen. Having said that, you and S/O need to get out of there! A five year old who is still not potty trained? Much less a 3 yr old, I can see that one a little bit, but not a 5 yr old. I'm sorry Foxy, but something has to give in your situation, and soon. Your kids are gonna be scared if you don't get them outta there. This is just my opinion, and you know I have your best interest at heart, I don't care what you gotta do, if you love those children move! Hugs Marilyn
@guss2000 (2232)
• United States
24 Jul 08
I don't know how you do it. I would be cussing some people out for sure! You must bite your tongue alot!
Why did he think he needed a darn diaper on anyway? You were doing FINE showing how to be potty trained-- and throwing a diaper on him, surely isn't going to make him learn faster!
I think they need to mind their business.
And I'm a firm believe that YOU should have more of a say over your children, unless of course you are abusing them in some way. But OMG you are doing the right things!
I'm sorry you have to go through this all of the time.
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
24 Jul 08
I really don't know what his problem is
. I had another discussion within the past couple days in which I mentioned being basically forced to keep these boys in pull-ups. Someone asked me what I meant and I couldn't really explain it any better than that they pitch a fit if I don't put them on...this is a prime example of why though. I don't understand it. I guess tomorrow I'll have to hide the pull ups and the baby's diapers!
I think he is just so sure that I'm a horrible person he has to go against everything I say even if it means him looking stupid...like early in the night when same 3 year old was asking for soda. I said no even though we have a sugar free/caffeine free kind...well FIL told him to go get one anyway. So he did...and he dropped the can...I didn't say a word
...FIL opened the can and it sprayed all over him. But that's what he deserves for going against me
. I had another discussion within the past couple days in which I mentioned being basically forced to keep these boys in pull-ups. Someone asked me what I meant and I couldn't really explain it any better than that they pitch a fit if I don't put them on...this is a prime example of why though. I don't understand it. I guess tomorrow I'll have to hide the pull ups and the baby's diapers!
I think he is just so sure that I'm a horrible person he has to go against everything I say even if it means him looking stupid...like early in the night when same 3 year old was asking for soda. I said no even though we have a sugar free/caffeine free kind...well FIL told him to go get one anyway. So he did...and he dropped the can...I didn't say a word...FIL opened the can and it sprayed all over him. But that's what he deserves for going against me1 person likes this
@guss2000 (2232)
• United States
25 Jul 08
That really is horrible that he interferes. If you tell your kid to stand in the corner on one foot, then that's your choice. they should not be jumping in and especially going against the rules you have in place for your children. I would be having something to say to them about it. That is weird that they insist on the pull-ups being on. How do they expect them to learn! I hope one of your children accidently pottys on his lap! LMAO!
@moneyandgc (3428)
• United States
24 Jul 08
I think the grandfather needs to mind his own business. It is not as if anyone were harming the boys. They are learning to use the bathroom. Pull-ups only hinder that because it feels like they have a diaper on. At this point, they are just used to going in the diaper without thinking about it. It sounds as if he was doing well without underwear. This is what we did with my boys as well. It worked better than anything else. They were trained in no time using this method.
It must have been awful and confusing for your little boy to be caught in the middle. 
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
24 Jul 08
It was confusing for him and I really felt bad but I had to put my foot down. I took him in my room once it was all over and we snuggled for a bit. I have 3 older children and I did this with them as well. It worked in a pretty short amount of time...and none of them were this old. Evy turned 3 back in April and Ryan turned 5 in March. That's how long we've been battling about the method!
@betsyraeduke (2670)
• United States
27 Jul 08
I think that in most cases, (excluding cases of abusive parents, and by that I mean actually abusive, not falsly accused from someone's over re-action), the parents should be free to raise their kids as they see fit and other people, regardless of who they are should not interfere. Even though you live with your in-laws, those are your and your husbands kids and you two should have the final say on how they are raised and how things are handled with them. That is your right! Stand up to your FIL and MIL, put your foot down. Tell them straight out, those are your kids and you will raise them and handle them your way, not theirs! Stand your ground and don't back down. That's what I would do if I was in your situation. In fact, I had been in your situation before and that IS what I did. Anyways, hope it works out for you and I wish you luck.
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
24 Jul 08
I really do not envy you at all, it sounds like you have your hands full in all directions. It must also be hard for your children being given different instructions to follow all the time, it must be confusing for them as to who they think they should be listening too.
I would really not like to think of my parents or my hubbys parents interfering like that, in fact they would not dream of it. If they want to say something they will say it tactfully and not come in and try and take over. There is nothing to say that they have more experience anyway, what just cos they are older? Rubbish, and yes I do think the parents have the right to keep their children away from grandparents if they are just undermining all the time. Children need to be in routines and not pulled from pillar to post by interfering grandparents, if it was me then I would be setting the ground rules whether they liked it or not.
1 person likes this
@sacmom (14192)
• United States
25 Jul 08
Parents should have the say on how they raise their own kids. They are, after all, the parents. And unless the parents gave up that right for one reason or another, the grandparents, or anyone else for that matter should butt out and mind their own business.
I won't get into any details here, other than my FIL ruined potty training for my oldest and autistic son. Don't let your FIL do the same.
Good luck and hang in there foxy!
@terri0824 (4991)
• United States
25 Jul 08
It would seem that your FIL would want you to succeed in getting your boys potty trained. Apparently he doesn't have enough to do and has to find things to do such as intefere with your training them. When he was growing up, they didn't even have disposable diapers and pull-ups.
As far as the question you asked. I think grandparents should stay out of it if the parents are around. They should respect you enough to train your children the way you see fit. I don't see anything wrong with giving suggestions, but once given need to back off.
Are you any closer to being able to move out from under their roof?
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
24 Jul 08
foxyfire why is grandfather even there? or are you still
living with them? anyway grandpa should mind his own
'damned business as you are their mom and they should be
minding only you and nobody else. I dont think in your case that
these grandparents should be trying to raise your
children at all. they are doing nothing but causing big
problems for you.You are using modern methods and they
should adhere to that. Your children are theirgrandchildren
not their own children. tell them to butt thehell out or
else. I think you should find a place ofr yourself and
your kids and get away from nast grandpa and his wife
before someone comes to blows. lol
@cjgrooms (4456)
• United States
25 Jul 08
OMG! You are a better woman than i am, i would have had that diaper off that kid so fast his head would have been spinning. Then i would have made darn certain that f-i-l knew that i was the childs mother and what i said was the last word.
As for grandparents and parents raising a child together i think it would depend on if all parties could agree on who had the last word. My Mother has lived with us since my 12year old was born and we have never really had this problem because I AM THE MOTHER!!!!!!!! My Mother might want to override what i say but she doesn't because she has more respect for my position as the Mother than that.
@grammasnook (1871)
• United States
24 Jul 08
I do have one question before I answer this post. Who's home is this?
@blogging2 (201)
• United States
25 Jul 08
Maybe I am confused... Why is grandpa around so much? He doesn't seem like a positive influence and while I understand taking care of our parents in their older years, my husband and i have already had this discussion because his parents are the same way (undermining and different philosphies on how to raise children). They will never be allowed to live with us. I know this may sound mean, but my first priority is my children, not my spouses grown parents...
