Jealousy, the green-eyed monster
By novataylor
@novataylor (6570)
United States
August 1, 2008 11:00am CST
I just got home from having an endoscopy done and my friend Gabriel picked me up from the hospital this morning. He always comes to my rescue, whenever I need him to, and he's always happy to help me in anything. The truth is, he has quite a crush on me, and he's told me so many times. The crush isn't reciprocated, but he is well aware of that fact too, and handles it very nicely. We are just really good friends. In fact, I'm his only friend here in St. Louis. He's from Manhattan. He moved here about 6 years ago to be with his online love and they live just about a block away from me. We, meaning my hubby, myself, Gabriel, and his girlfriend, all get along and sometimes get together, all four of us. But - Brenda, Gabe's girlfriend, is very jealous of me. She usually deals with it ok, but sometimes she gets really up in arms about our relationship and gets completely unreasonable about the whole thing and poor Gabriel has to bite his tongue so he won't say anything he might regret later. She is totally unaware of his crush, thank god, or I'd never be able to see him at all! Jealousy is a terrible thing, and it NEVER does anyone any kind of good. I've been jealous before and I can tell you, it's one miserable feeling. It's something I've worked on for years and I can honestly say that it's now under very good control. Stu isn't jealous. He knows what a flirt I am. He's known it from the beginning - how could he not? But it doesn't bother him that I flirt, because it's just a part of who I am and he accepts me, warts and all, for who I am. Believe me, I'm eternally grateful for that acceptance, because if it wasn't there, I can't imagine that we'd still be together after 13 plus years.
Oh, the reason I brought this up is because Brenda thought I was lying when I said I had another endoscopy that had to be done. I just had one in June and she couldn't see why they would want to do another one this soon. I talked to her on the phone last night, and she questioned me at length about it. But I explained a couple of things about my individual condition and I think after that, she calmed down a bit. They found an ulcer last time and they wanted to see if there was any change in it. Plus, I have something called Barrett's Esophogus and they always want to keep a sharp eye on that because it can turn into cancer. I'm fine though, folks, honestly. Well, aside from all my other issues, I'm fine. Fine enough anyway.
What about you? Are you a jealous person? Have you been adversely affected by another's jealousy? Can you see any good at all in being jealous? Care to tell me about any of your personal experiences with jealousy?
p.s. ok, mykl, here's a new discussion for you. You still haven't gone to my fantasy one though, mister.........
7 people like this
13 responses
@p1kef1sh (45681)
•
1 Aug 08
Apart from very minor and silly things, like my discussion about successful homosexual men, and the fact that everybody writes way better than me, I really don't think that I am jealous and neither have I really experienced a properly jealous episode in my life Nova. Women don't fight over me or I them. I don't much mind if you have a better house, car, income etc than me. Although I do quite fancy a Campbell's peach. LOL. Maybe it's a deficiency in me!!
2 people like this
@cyntrow (8523)
• United States
1 Aug 08
I always feel so sad for people who are jealous. I couldn't imagine being so afraid all the time of losing something or someone. I couldn't imagine not feeling in control of my life.
I agree with one of the other respondents in that you should take Brenda out for a girl's day and let her know in no uncertain terms that her fears are unwarrented. You want to continue your friendship with Gabe, but this is a stress that neither of you need.
Glad your stomach is OK. Hope it continues.
2 people like this
@mtdewgurl74 (18151)
• United States
2 Aug 08
Believe me I have dealt with the green eyed monster before and sometimes the outcome is not so pretty. I figure it all comes down to trust and doubts though,you trust them enough and have no doubts then the Monster stays hid for awhile. When I was first married my husband wanted to know where I was at all times and didn't like it if I went to town with my mom or family. He thought I would slip out and go see boys. I was only 16 and him 28 That is also the reason I couldn't go back to school. He was afraid I would find someone else. Nowdays we don't have that problem, He'd probably actually tell them to take me..lol We have been together 18 years, 17 of those married. I will still get jealous occasionally when I see him flirt cause he is a big flirt usually with everyone but me..So I am more jealous of that then the girl he flirts with. But I have to poke the little green eyed monster in the eye because if I didn't it would cause alot of stress and problems that I don't or refuse to deal with at this time.
1 person likes this
@mtdewgurl74 (18151)
• United States
3 Aug 08
Thankd Nova I appreciate it. Well either poke it in the eye or squirt tabasco sauce in it's eye..lol I was young but I felt very mature and acted mature. Also I had a crush on my husband since I had been twelve..so for me that felt like a long wait..We started dating when I just turned 16. Love just bonks us over the head sometimes and it just happens age doesn't really have boundries unless we set them. I love my husband still and he loves me and we will grow old together and become what is know as a couple of old farts..lol
1 person likes this
@novataylor (6570)
• United States
2 Aug 08
You're a smart one, mtdewgurl. I love the way you put that - "I have to poke the little green eyed monster in the eye". Very nicely said. Geez, of course he used to think you'd go out and see boys! You were only 16 years old! Still a girl. Why in the world did you get married then? Wait, don't answer. It's because you were in love, never mind. Stupid question. But, sweet baby, you were way too young, although I believe you're well aware of that now. I think you probably have way too much on your plate, mtdewgurl. I worry about you a bit. But you're a joy to see, I'll tell you that. I always look forward to reading your responses. I'm sure you didn't know that, so now you do. So I'll see you next time, yes? Good. Take care, kiddo and let me know if you need anything.
1 person likes this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
1 Aug 08
This woman needs a true wake-up call. I would take her out to lunch one day, just you and her, but before we went I would grab her firmly by the shoulders, shake her just enough to emphasize the phrase as I said it, "I don't want your man!!!" I would do this somewhere private so she wouldn't be embarrassed. I would then take her to lunch, and allow her to ask any questions she wanted about the relationship between you and her man. Let her know that you aren't reciprocating anything Gabe is throwing out (if you think that she can handle him liking you), and really just help her to get an understanding so she can't be jealous anymore.
1 person likes this
@novataylor (6570)
• United States
1 Aug 08
Why, it's the very lovely Drknlvly! Hello darlin! Very good suggestion, thank you! I've been thinking pretty much the same thing, too. And she just got a job just a couple of blocks away from where I live, so I just might find out when she takes lunch, and surprise her one day and take her out to lunch. That at least would give us an opportunity to talk privately and openly about anything she might have concerns about. I would also be able to convey to her that I'm not interested in taking her man, that we're nothing more than friends. The thing is, and I need to tell her this, I don't have many friends either. I have Robin, as most of you have heard about, and I have Gabriel. That's it. That's it for the people I call true, steadfast, permanent, honest-to-god friends. I don't keep many people. I just don't. It stems from way back in my childhood, as an air force brat, and having to leave many people behind, including my one best friend, Susan, who I had to leave when I was 8 years old and it absolutely broke my heart to leave her. I wasn't just moving across town either, I was moving across the world to Ankara Turkey. So. That's why I don't keep many people. Anyway, that's why Gabriel is important to me. And that's why I need to do what you've suggested. And I will. In fact, I'll do a discussion on it after I go meet her, ok?
Thank you, drknlvly. I'm always so happy to see you in any of my discussions and I love how you are so thoughtful with your responses. You're one smart cookie, kiddo.
2 people like this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
1 Aug 08
I can't evn say nufin right now lol1 person likes this
@novataylor (6570)
• United States
1 Aug 08
That's ok, sugar, you've said everything beautifully. Hugs.
2 people like this
@crazy286 (269)
• India
2 Aug 08
jealousy is such a monster. I know. I was surprised to read your topic though. I never thought something like that can happen. please be careful friends. the monster is present everywhere. there should be a way we can overcome jealousy and start living well with each other.
@novataylor (6570)
• United States
2 Aug 08
Hi crazy. Jealousy can happen anywhere, don't be surprised. We've all got the potential for it. ANd we just never know when it will raise it's ugly little head. There SHOULD be a way we can overcome it, but that's one of those easier said than done kind of things. But we can work on it. We can always work on it.
1 person likes this
@trulydreaming (139)
• United States
2 Aug 08
I think Jealousy is (often) a result of insecurity - such as in your friend's girlfriend. I would guess she puts on a "tough" act however I bet she is extremely insecure. It could even go as far as insecure with herself as a person (not just in her relationship with your friend). She may "sense" your outstanding and close friendship with Gabriel (she may not be intellectualizing it - meaning she may not realize what she is sensing - if that makes any sense). That close bond may not be as strong in her relationship with Gabriel.
Anyway...yes...I have been jealous before and it usually stemmed from my personal insecurity about something. Being single (as I am) I often find myself jealous of married couples. I think it is the relationship - the thought that they are there for each other for "the rest of their lives" - of not HAVING to be alone...of having someone there to share their lives with each other. And raising children, leaving a legacy like no other, etc..
Sometimes I am jealous of what other people have; material things, an amazing mind, abilities/talents I do not have (and wish I did), etc.. I don't usually get jealous anymore. I am fairly secure with who I am. Sure it happens on occasion...but it is usually a little "hic-cup." Once I notice it I can usually "talk my way out of it."
Can I find any "GOOD" in being jealous - no not really...however, there is an opportunity in realizing you feel jealous. There is the opportunity to look inside and find what it is you truly feel you are needing and don't have. There is an opportunity to learn more about who you are and what your needs are. There is an opportunity of change and growth within yourself.
Well...it is just a thought. :-)
@novataylor (6570)
• United States
2 Aug 08
Wow. That was so well said, trulydaydreaming!! And so brutally honest. And yes, she may not be intellectualizing it, what you said makes perfect sense. And yes again, she may well sense something between Gabriel and myself that she doesn't feel she has with him. This is sort of a non-sequitur, but do you often get inside people's heads, and figure out their perspective on things? It seems to me that you have the ability to do that, to effect a kind of transference and put yourself in their place. I do that too, trulyd. I think that's why I saw it in you.
As to your being single and sometimes jealous of marriages - it's better to be alone and single than be alone and married. That's what so many married people are. There are, of course, happy marriages out there, but I'm afraid they're not the norm. Or so it would appear.
Hic-cups. Right again. We all have the potential to get those little hiccups, those moments of jealousy, no matter what it's about. Materials things, abilities, talents, love. All of us can succumb to feelings of jealousy. BUt like you say, and this is so very perceptive of you, there is an opportunity there. An opportunity for personal inspection, asking ourselves what it is that we want, or maybe what we don't want. It may have been just a thought, trulyd, but I think it was a hell of a good one.
Are you my twin from another mother or something? Weird. You should have seen my face as I read this. I could have written it.
1 person likes this
@novataylor (6570)
• United States
4 Aug 08
Hi, trulyd. I'm very empathetic too, although I haven't had any education in the field of counseling or anything related. Actually, I have no education past high school. Except of course for the School of Life, which I'm still working on. I also think that some people who've been through some pretty horrific things, like their own illnesses, or being care-givers for others, experienced deaths, things like that, can (and I say CAN) be much more compassionate, generous and empathetic than the average bear. We all handle those things differently, but it's definitely the way we SHOULD come out of them, with a much more loving attitude towards others. And then there are those of us who are just naturally that way.
So no twin? Aww. Oh well, I'll tell ya, trulyd, what you wrote is so nearly identical to what I might have written in the same circumstances, it was just weird to read! My jaw was dropped and I was thinking, "wow, who IS this person?". So now I'm going to try to find out a bit and check out your profile and some of your answers to discussions and whatever else is here. I'm very curious about you. And I'm going to send you a friend's request. You're brand new here and you need to meet some of my friends. They're amazing people, trust me on this one. I think you'll like all of them. So if you go to the discussions that I post in, which are always those of my friends, you'll start to see some of the people I correspond with regularly. Like P1kefish, Sparkofinsanity, Angelwhispers, myklj999, Goodie123, Tessah, Ljegbers, mtdewgurl and dammit, I'm sure there's someone I'm forgetting, but I'll think of them later, I guess. ANyway, I'm really glad you're here on the Lot. We need more like you, darlin. So, I'll see you out there! Be safe, and most of all HAVE FUN!!!!!!
1 person likes this
@trulydreaming (139)
• United States
3 Aug 08
Thanks for the compliments! I sure do appreciate it!I am pretty empathic. It's fairly easy for me to try to feel what "they/others" feel - then I can alter my response or thoughts accordingly. I have always been able to do that. I also have been trained in counseling...so that education helps as well.
I am with you...sometimes I am VERY thankful I am single. It is sad to see those hollow marriages. There is so much potential in a marriage...a good and healthy marriage that is.
I am glad you found what I wrote helpful or at least familiar! As for the twin thing...I kind-of doubt it! You definately do not want that! ;-)
Sometimes I feel like there are too few of us (people who take the time/effort or just have the talent/ability) to feel that connection with people or empathy. We, as humans, would be far better off.
Take care and thanks for letting me share in your discussion...and your response!
1 person likes this
@rogue13xmen13 (14403)
• United States
2 Aug 08
I will admit it, I can be jealous, but then again, if you knew what I had been through in my life, you can see why I am at time. When some girl was flirting with my boyfriend when we first met, I wanted to punch that girls lights out because I did not want any other woman to have my man.
@novataylor (6570)
• United States
2 Aug 08
Hi rogue13. Hey, you're not alone. So many of us are jealous and it's really not a fun thing to be. Good luck with it. It's a hard thing to beat.
1 person likes this
@Mickie30 (2626)
•
2 Aug 08
Sorry to hear about your problems in answer to your question yes I am a jealous person and I hate being that way. I try not to be, but sometimes it is difficult. I have mellowed out a lot and trust my husband, but sometimes I still get jealous.
@ralphybaby (63)
• Australia
2 Aug 08
Sorry to hear about your medical condition keep a stiff upper lip as the English say. I am glad that your in a descriptive mood.
I am not a jealous person the only time I was a green-eyed monster when I found out when both of my wives were having affairs.
@novataylor (6570)
• United States
2 Aug 08
Goodday Ralphybaby! I'm ok, darlin. They just like to get me under, if you know what I mean, nudge, nudge, wink, wink...
Both your wives had affairs? Wow, that' pretty brutal! I'd be morphing into that green-eyed monster too, if that had happened to me. Who wouldn't? That was a terrible thing to do to you, Ralphy, and I'm so sorry they did it. But good riddance to bad rubbish! They're gone and over with now, thank goodness! Time for bigger and better things!
Both your wives had affairs? Wow, that' pretty brutal! I'd be morphing into that green-eyed monster too, if that had happened to me. Who wouldn't? That was a terrible thing to do to you, Ralphy, and I'm so sorry they did it. But good riddance to bad rubbish! They're gone and over with now, thank goodness! Time for bigger and better things!1 person likes this
@izathewzia (5134)
• Philippines
1 Aug 08
Yes, I feel jealous sometimes. But I control myself not to be empowered by it. I let my feeling subsides first before acting on it.
@novataylor (6570)
• United States
2 Aug 08
That's a very wise course of action, izathewzia. But I don't know how many of us would have that same control as you. Keep it up. I'm sure that it will serve you well.
1 person likes this
@kriszelunka (557)
• Australia
2 Aug 08
Prior to my current partner, I had never before been jealous, which I take to mean I didn't care enough about my previous partners to worry about what they might be getting up to behind my back ;)
However, with my current partner, I do sometimes get jealous, though I've been working on it and seem to have things under control now.
I don't think there's anything good about jealously - it makes you jump to conclusions, refuse to listen to reason and just generally makes you miserable.
I guess the only slight upside of jealousy is that it shows you care. But it's definitely not the way I'd recommend to show your feelings for your partner!
1 person likes this
@novataylor (6570)
• United States
2 Aug 08
Hi Kriszelunka. I agree - there's nothing good about jealousy. Sure, I guess it shows you care, but if it goes even a little bit further than that, it becomes a monster. And it'll eat you up. I hope you'll be able to overcome your jealousy, however small it is, krisz. BUt I think you have a really healthy attitude about it. You'll be fine, darlin. And I wish you lots of luck and happiness with your partner.
1 person likes this
@skinnychick (6905)
• United States
4 Aug 08
Nope not me. I'm not very jealous at all. I think that if someone doesn't want me and seems interested in someone else, they can go elsewhere. There is no shortage of men in the world, though good ones are insanely difficult. I'm secure in my relationship so I don't see any real need for jealousy of any kind.
@roanne05 (1290)
• Oman
2 Aug 08
i have problem with that too..i am the jealous type...hehehe..that is the reason why my last relationship did not work out..
