My husband won't accept that it's over....

Tell him you will see a therapist if he goes with you. He clearly does not see what he is doing, maybe an outside source can help. I understand that the marriage is over, but he still needs to own what he has done!

I am sorry. I'm sorry that the man you once loved has completely changed. Life teaches us to embrace change and accept but when it's for the worse, sometimes what is best is to just walk away. You should have not have to put up with being bullied by the man you share vows with. You deserve better! It sounds to me as if he's now acting out of desperation. If he truely loved you he'd want you to be happy. He may fight for you but it would be to win your heart back not manipulate you into staying. Your only concern now should be yourself and your children. I think counseling is a good idea in any tough situation. It can help you come to terms with difficult issues and help you see where things went wrong. But also to help you regain your self-esteem and worth. Counseling helps break down those walls we've built up over the years to protect ourselves. That's the thing with married couples seeking divorce...it's couples therapy. Even here in mys state you have to have marriage counseling before they'll grant you a divorce. I have a feeling your husband wouldn't want to go together because he'd worry about having the finger pointed at him. He'd be in denial that your marriage is ending because of his own behavior. I do wish you the best and whatever your decision is remember that you and your children come first.

Hi Trish, Reading you message here was a flash back to my own pass! I was married also for 9 years and had 3 children and my ex was very abusive to the point where he gave me a broken nose when I was 5 months pregnant with my second child! It still took me 5 years after that to leave him because I alway felt that it was my fault and I deserved what I got and he gave me that much mental abuse that I thought I would never be able to find anyone else that would love me and want only him! Then one day out of the blue it was just like a switch that turned on in my head and I just thought what am I doing! I dont have to put up with this and no I dont deserve it! It is not me that has the problem it is him! So I packed the kids up and left and I have never looked back on that and it was the best thing that I every done for myself and also the best thing that I could ever do for my kids! It was not easy as he still gave me alot of abusive even after I left so yes I did get help myself and I also had a therapist see the kids so that it would help them deal with what had happen in their family. That was 10 years ago for me now and I look back and say to myself now why did I do that to myself and people ask me why did you stay with him for so long and to answer that question honestly all I can say is that I honestly do not know why..... So Trish you are doing the right thing and there is a light at the end of the tunnel but it is not going to be easy believe me but just keep in there and you will make it and you will be a lot happier for it and so will you kids. Goodluck you deserve to be happy .... Mell

Of course he thinks you need therapy or help, he no longer has that mental control over you. The love doesn't just disappear, it comes from years of mental abuse and finally waking up to the fact that you won't let him do that any longer. It also comes from figuring out that he is not the 'man' you fell in love with in the first place. You have the support of your family, that is very important, because I'm guessing that it will get worse before it gets better, in that he may well refuse to sign the papers, and will try to prolong it. He also may swing another way for a while, and become pleading and whining and doesn't want to loose you. And he may sound convincing, but a leopard does not change his spots. Just keep in mind that what you are doing is best for you and your children.

Hey trish am sorry to hear that you have been undergoing this. has it been happening for the last nine years or it started the other day? people will advice you to endure and many have told you that but its you in those shoes and you know how it hurts........any decision you make, make it in a sober mind , think it over and over and dont listen to him or anyone. It is good to hear that your friends and family is behind you. Pray hard and stick to your principals and dont let him scare you. wish you all the best in the decissions you make.

OMG.. I don't know where you are or where you're from but this is practically the same thing I am going through right now. trish331 you have no idea what I have been through these last 11 months. I married a man about 10 years ago, but we were actually together for almost 13 years. Love does disappear because it did for me. I can tell you that after many years of living with someone that constantly controlled me and was verbally and mentally abusing me, my love for him turned into hate. A hatred that in the last 11 months has increased so prefusely that I don't want to have anything to do with this person ever. We also have two children, of which he is using as a "weapon" against me. We are in the court system already as I filed for a divorce, but he is trying everything to prevent me from obtaining it so that I can go on with my life. You may need some professional help, but not to prevent your divorce, but to help you through this. I had to seek it to maintain some peace of mind. My family has also been very supportive especially when they saw my suffering over the years. Please know that you are not alone..

This seems to be more of his bullying you spoke of. He is trying to push the whole thing off on you and make it seem as f you are the problem with the marriage. If he has mentally and emotionally bullied you for years as you said you are doing the right thing. Love often goes away because something occurs to make the person being 'bullied' realize they deserve something better in life. This is what has occurred with you and I applaud you for being able to see that. Continue to move on and suggest that perhaps he is the one that needs help. Maybe you could even satisfy him by seeing someone at least one time, even if it is just to prove a point to him.

i think he is just taking his advantage. he wants to avoid the divorce and so he acts like this. just avoid him and go alone

It seems that this is what he has been doing to you, probably from the beginning. he would try to make you think that you are wrong where as he is the one to blame. the love isn't gone, I feel that there is still a bit of love that you have for him, but he doesn't have any more feelings for you because if he does he would stop this mind game or let you go. I am guessing that you are the one who always loves him, and from his part he made you think he loves you too - a mind game that he is still playing until now. But you are taking the right steps, so hold your ground. If it goes to court you will need to come a clean and sane as you can be. This means you can't go to therapist now, even if you feel like you need it, because that can be a ground to question your sanity which as he said, can danger your children. You have family and friends support, stay strong. You have made it for 9 years you will survive this trial period. I am not a marriage councellor, but I know people like that, playing mind game on others to get what they want. Never bow to them or their standards, it is a lie, just like they are liars.

Well first of all it sounds like you are upset about getting a divorce too (I know...duh right? lol). But I defeniatly don't think YOU alone need to see any therapists. You know more than your husband (and more than anyone else) if this is the right decision or not. But if you do want to try at the marriage, if you think maybe you aren't 100% ready to be done with him; you could tell him the only way you'll try it is couples therapy...if he wants you to go to therapy so bad, he should go too. But if you know you are absolutly done with him than stop worrying about what he says to you, and what he thinks. Your lawyer will help you....your family supports you...it'll all turn out ok in the end. Good Luck!!!

trish - hi. I's sad for you and I have been there. It sounds like your husband is doing what he has always done to you. He continues abusing you and he is now confusing you, because he knows you are right, and men don't like to lose women. He's going to keep on finding ways to hurt you. My ex tried the same thing, he threatened to have me tested and declared an unfit mother. He tried to intimidate me, but I didn't give in. The divorce was nasty and traumatic, but I knew it was the right decision and so do you. Trust your instincts, don't second guess them. As far as how can love disappear? We all change and forever doesn't always mean forever. It's possible it feels like love is just gone and you don't want to look at him, because you have felt this way for some amount of time, but only now are you willing to accept your truth. Trust your instincts. Keep that lawyer and be prepared for some tough times to come. It's worth it in the end. I hope this helps. The mylotters will help you. They have helped me before. travel lightly, anawar out.

If you do go to a therapist, go for yourself and not because your husband is saying things that aren't true. You might need to talk about why you allowed yourself to be bullied for so many years and how to handle it in the future. Also how to not put the children in the middle. He needs to learn about that too if he's willing. How does love disappear? Well it happened to me. Believe me if somebody keeps bullying you and not respecting your wishes and so it, it will go along with any respect you had for the person. Good luck.

If he has emotionally bullied you for years, telling you to seek therapy could be another form of this. He could be trying to make you doubt yourself. I think that in this case you can trust the advice of your family and friends. Assuming that you have been open with your family and friends about your relationship and life, I think that if they thought that you were a danger to your children they would let you know. If they know you well, they should be able to say whether or not you would be a good candidate for therapy. On the other hand, if you have been emotionally messed with by your husband for so long, therapy could be good for you. Just to make you strong and get to know yourself again, not to make you forget about your divorce. You don't need to be with someone who enjoys messing with your mind.

well i don't agree with any man who bullie his wife in away. no matter how he want to look at it, it's abuse. i guess once you get the paper work together and he get served it will hit him. often men won't face up to thier faults, i guess most of them think it's alright to be in charge or think they should be.. and by the way i am a man, but my momn tought me better

Iam sorry you are getting a divorce but I am glad you are getting away! I know how you feel I also was in a situation like this and he was mean with it. I think you should go and speak with a therapist heres why you have baggage from all the times he has hurt you and if you leave with that baggage with out dropping it off it will harm any other relationship you wish to have in the future and that means he will still be bulling you, with a therapist you can speak your mind and not have them judge you as family or friends may sometimes do. Because when you tell someone in your family or a frind what you have ben going through they sometimes ask "WHy did you stay"? Why did you let him do that to you? You say "Well I loved him" Its hard for some to understand this. When you go through this divorce it will take a lot out of you and then you will want to talk to someone who is not family or friend and a therapist will let you talk and they will listen and if you get a good one they will ask you the right questions and you will come up with the right answer yourself and realize you knew the answer all along. I think your children also need to go speak with a therapist because they will feel as if the divorce is their fault (maybe) and they need to let go also, no one knows what children think now-a-days I think it might do them some good. I have been to a therapist and my children also it is a long hard road to healing because it took a long time to get bullied stay strong and when you have to cry let it go. God bless and I will pray cause I know some of what you will have to defeat and overcome to win.

i think you can try to calm down and think about everything carefully before you make the final decision. how can you have such a feeling all of sudden, though you say you have such a feeling for weeks, i still say it is all of sudden compared to nine years. so i think perhaps it's a good idea to have professional help. divorce cannot solve everything. sometimes it can make matters worse. do not make any decision when you are in a bad mood.

Good day.. If it's over then it is over but for your sake and your children try to consult an expert. You've said that your husband mentally and emotionally abused you then I think it is better to make consult and proved him wrong.

Hello my dear Welcome to MYLOT. This is the attitude of a person when one decided that it is time to part ways. It is good that you have acknowledge what the problem is and is moving on. My boyfriend is the same way and I have decided myself to part ways. He does not take me serious but after five years of mental and physical strain it is over. I think when this happen and you look inside yourself and see that you have lost your true identity it is best to say good bye. Don't let him make you believe that you is the problem that is what he wants. Yes go to the counselling and get a good report from the doctor so that it can be evidence in the divorce court. Please don't make the mistakes of going to one he recommend because you know that money can be a factor here. You love the kids and they love you if they are not old enough to understand then one day you should tell them. Take care of yourself.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been having to deal with this. It might be a good idea to see a therapist, not for your husband, but for yourself. Therapy might help you sort out your emotions and help you come to terms with some of the negativity caused by your husband, but I think your husband is very wrong if he thinks that therapy is going to convince you that you're making a bad decision! If you have children still at home and are going to try and maintain custody of them, you definitely want to go to therapy, on your own, so that it's documented that you're not a 'danger to yourself' as your husband might claim. Don't stop the divorce proceedings, if you feel that it's right for you, by any means! I'm glad your family and friends are sticking behind you, and I can only imagine how much that support means to you. Lots of hugs and I hope that your husband figures things out soon. It sounds like you've got it under control, as much as anyone can have in that sort of stressful situation. Good luck!