Just To Have A Father...
By twoey68
@twoey68 (13627)
United States
September 25, 2008 7:34am CST
These days it seems like there are a lot of girls having children without being married…or they get married only to end up divorced. Regardless sometimes they end up on their own trying to raise their child…sometimes more than one. It’s hard work doing it alone…what with working, childcare, housework, daycare, ect. And finding time for romance can add even more stress.
I have a relative that at one time found herself divorced with 3 kids to raise…she couldn’t do it alone. She met a man that she cared about but didn’t love and married him. He had a good job that could support them all, he was good to her and the kids and took good care of them. She just didn’t love him. They eventually had 2 children of their own and were married over 20 years.
I can’t imagine spending your whole life practically with a man that you cared about but didn’t love in order to have security. This was back in the ‘70’s when things were somewhat different than they are now but still it’s hard to imagine living like that.
Would you marry someone just to give your child a father? Would you tell them that you cared for them but didn’t love them or pretend you loved them? Would you spend 20 years or more with someone you didn’t love?
[b]**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~[/b]
8 people like this
38 responses
@tamarafireheart (15384)
•
25 Sep 08
Hi twoey68,
I was wondering do any of those young people who have kids and marry and divorce after a short time really know what real love is? all too often the word "Love" is used far too often, and they mistake it for lust, so onece the lust is over these is nothing. I wonder if your relative may not feel that her heart punds everytime she sees him but I think that they respect each other and care for one another and I think that is love, after all 20 years is a long time and she has got two more children by him so this is real love in my eyes.
Tamara
2 people like this
@jezzmay (1845)
• United States
25 Sep 08
This is a hard subject.I feel she did it for the kids,I
admire her for that,most people put there self first.I
also feel she most have been happy are she would not had
stayed in it for 20 yrs.She also gave him 2 kids of his
own,she must have felt good about the relationship.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40192)
• Canada
25 Sep 08
If I had a child of my own with no husband, I would marry someone who asked me even if I did not love him as long as we could be happy. Caring for someone is sometimes all you may get even if your heart does not go bumpity bumputy bump. And violins do not play when you make love. There is a difference between being in love and loving someone. So I would marry someone I cared about and who cared for me because we got along and for the sake of the children. Have you heard of the term the martyrdom syndrome? That is when someone wants to prove how they can make out with the worse of circumstances and so they do not get married even though they have children to prove a point.
2 people like this
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
25 Sep 08
When I met my S/O we fell in love and we have been together for 15 yrs. But over those years we have grown apart and had many unresolved arguments. I'm now just staying for the property and my self-employed business, that I have dreamed about having all my life.
Admittedly, sometimes I dream about him having an accident, so the mortgage would be paid off completely and I would live alone but not have to lose my property.
Some other days, I don't know what I would do without him in my life.
I guess it is a love/hate relationship. I dunno.
I often wish he would just resolve arguments, show me more respect and consideration, and give compliments and I would be able to love him again.
2 people like this
@grammasnook (1871)
• United States
25 Sep 08
Just a little FYI it is not only women but lots of men these days are also a single dad. Yes it is difficult but we all find the strength somewhere. I could not marry someone for security.
2 people like this
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
25 Sep 08
that wouls be awful but as she cared for him that was a sort of love as long as she respected him and helped in all he did that do was sort of a love maybe not the madly in love or Soulmate kind of thing but she cared for him and he her.
2 people like this
@checapricorn (16061)
• United States
25 Sep 08
[i]Hi twoey,
I guess for 20 years, she learned to love the guy...Most of the time a girl will lear to love someone especially when the person will show care and love to her and to all the people close to her!
ANyway, if ever I am in the same situation and he is the man I can trust and lean on, I will teach myself to love him..I know it's not hard to do so since he has a good heart!
I will definitely love to have a partner in life who is willing to accept me and my past and willing to be the father of my kids![/i]
2 people like this
@Yestheypayme2dothis (7874)
• United States
25 Sep 08
In the American culture where you know it is proper to marry a person for love, if you marry for some other reason like security or a green card or something else...I think it is selfish. You are cheating that person of having someone who would be much better for him or her. People do this all the time. There are cultures where you do not marry for love. It is required that you respect each other or the families or parents of both the man and woman, respect each other. Then after marriage, love developes and then physical attraction. That is different. That is a part of their culture. But in America, we know what is expected. To stand before a priest or pastor or judge and say that you will love forever through sickness and health and richer or poorer and you know you do not love that person...that is selfish...I wonder if her husband has figured out that she does not love him...your relative...I mean.
2 people like this
@carolscash (9492)
• United States
25 Sep 08
I was a single parent with one child and it is the toughest thing that I have ever done. I loved my daughter and I wanted the best for her,but I knew that her happiness as well as mine had to be first. I never really dated after she was born until I met the man that I am married too. He loved her as his own and wanted the best for her the same as I did. I knew that he would be a good father to her so I accepted his proposal and we got married.
I loved him then and love him even more now. He finally adopted my daughter and gave her the family that she deserved and he loves her as much as his own. I can't imagine marrying someone that I don't love and staying married for that long.
@steve9737 (918)
• Colombia
25 Sep 08
it would be very hard to me being married to someone that I don't love, and I would like to marry someone that love me back, I know there is a lot of people that would marry just for get security, I know it would be very hard to raise a kid for your own, well but if she was happy, i think it is ok, I don't think i would ever be happy marrying someone that doesn't love me or that I don't love because I want to have a good family and don't get divorce with the time.
@girlgonefishing (2174)
• United States
25 Sep 08
Yeup. I did it. I was going to college (at the age of 30) and raising my son and daughter on my own. I had a guy friend that was also my study partner. He was a really nice guy and I could tell that he was in love with me. I didn't feel the same way about him, but my daughter kept asking and asking for him to be her Daddy. I finally caved in and married him. Big mistake, huge. The marriage lasted 6 years and I was not the least bit happy with this man I was not attracted to.
2 people like this
@littleowl (7157)
•
25 Sep 08
This is a real hard one twoey..it may depend on how much you really care for someone and if you really know that the partner would definitely love you and yours if that works for someone then guess thats the best thing to do...I married my ex but didn't love him and to this day am not sure if he did me but he decided to start seeing a lady 10yrs youger than me so I divorced him but during that time it broke my heart ONLY for the fact I did find I cared more for him than I thought but DIDN'T love him-my answer to this is I don't think I could ever do that again...blessings littleowl
2 people like this
@MOMMASAM (1004)
• United States
25 Sep 08
i hope that man never found out that she only "cared" about him.
and, hopefully none of the 5 children found out either.
security, financial or emotional, is a tricky issue.
in some ways, you could say she "sold" herself for
financial security. i'm sure there are women who have done
the same for less reward.
but, maybe she was severely burned by the ex
and didn't trust matters of the heart.
i was a single mom.
it's rough.
the rewards are all yours; but, so are the problems.
2 people like this
@soulist (2985)
• United States
25 Sep 08
I could never marry a man I didn't love just to give my kids a father. I would struggle and do everything I could to raise my kid on my own until I did met a guy that was perfect for me and children. My mom did that with me and my brother and I look up to her like nothing else. She was so strong and I think if I were in that situation I could do it.
@maximax8 (31046)
• United Kingdom
25 Sep 08
I really like your picture of the two lions, a father and a son. I think that the most important issue is whether the child is happy or the children are happy. If two parents are shouting at each other that would not make any child feel secure or happy. If a man hits his wife and children then that family is better off without him. A relationship has to be compatible and the couple have to get on well or it will upset their children. I don't agree with abortions and so I admire a lady that becomes a mum without the baby's father supporting them. I think that a single mother lifestyle is better than a lady living with a man for security not love. There has to be love in a marriage. I wouldn't be able to spend 20 years with a man if I didn't love him.
1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
25 Sep 08
i'm not saying i would or would't but glad i got my 2 sons raised by myself. don't think it would be fair to d that to the guy. i'm not a very good pretender. it's hard enough to live w/somone when u do love the.
@nanajanet (4436)
• United States
25 Sep 08
It's not easy. My daughter's BF took off after she became pregnant. We offered to have her come home so we could help. She is still fighting for child support and the baby is 15 months old. She wants to get out on her own, work and go to school, but I can't see it happening any time soon.
I know she would rather not live with her parents anymore, as I understand that once you are on your own, it's not the same coming back. She is 26 and smart but it's a struggle. She works long hours, I babysit the entire week and still do my part time job.
It's a change for all of us, but at least there is love and support for her and the baby. Not all have that option, which is very hard for them. I told her never to marry a man for any other reason but love and she agrees.
2 people like this
@trisha_nava82 (1379)
• United States
25 Sep 08
i haven't any children yet, i am married though and love this man very much. if i were single though and had children that the father was never around. i wouldn't marry someone just so they could have a father. i would have to be in love with him.
i have a friend though on the other hand who has 2 children. they were born out of wedlock and the guy ended the relationship and he hardly ever sees the kids. he did the whole they aren't mine thing and well my friend had to prove he was. he only seen the kids three times in their whole life. which they are now two and three. every time i talk to her though she is on the search of finding a man to be a father to her kids. i try to encourage her that she should focus on the children and the right man will come along. her response to that is "do you expect me to be single and my children fatherless for the rest of my life." then i just leave it alone at that.
i can never understand though why women would do that.
2 people like this
