Are we supposed to change our selfs for our partner?
@manuelkoppensteiner (41)
Austria
October 2, 2008 5:22pm CST
Yesterday evening I called my boyfriend to have a good night - talk.
We were talking about his 18th birthday in may. He said, that he probably won´t come to vienna for celabrating with me at this day, because he´s going to get pierced at this day. I felt like my heart stopped beating. He knew, that I hate piercings. Not only that I hate them, it just wouldn´t be in line with him. I said: "No, please don´t do that!" "Of course I will" was his answer.
The talk ended with a pretty gloom and I had a problem to sleep.
The day after that evening my mood was still on the ground and I didn´t call him the whole day long. Also the SMS I wrote back as he asked me why I didn´t answer to his "I love you" SMS was very cold.
I talked to a friend and she said to me: "You can´t change him, or would you stop wearing your coloured jeans because he asks you to do?" My answer was quite easy: " Yes. I would stop it. I think there is no problem by changing such little things. And besides, I don´t wanna change him. I only want him to stay as he is. At least in conjunction with stuff like piercings. And stuff he knows me to hate it."
I thought the whole day about it. Was she right? Is it possible that I want to change him? And, would it be that bad if he doesn´t become swiss cheese?
I mean, till a specific point I would change myself for him if it was important to him...
And now I´m lying here in my bed, still thinking what to do. Am I really that shallow? Am I supposed to say I love him and I wanna be the rest of my life with him if my opinion is that he´s kinda ugly with piercings?
Manuel
3 people like this
20 responses
@cutepenguin (6431)
• Canada
3 Oct 08
I don't think it's that shallow for you to not want to have your boyfriend have piercings. Your opinion needs to count too. The only thing is that, even with your opinion of this, he still gets to make his own decision. It really is up to you whether you can handle this - only you know how important/unimportant a given issue is.
1 person likes this
@belk89 (1103)
• Philippines
3 Oct 08
You only want what is best for him. I dont think letting him know that you hate piercing means you wanted to change his whole being. You just wanted him to look the same and not change his personality by piercing. You cant pretend the whole time you were together that you totally like what he did but you can actually let him know that you do love him and accept him for who he is but sometimes he also have to take into considerations your opinion about things he like that actually was opposite to what you like. Little things we do that we think will make us look good might not look good for our partner. Since you were in a relationship part of it is also considering the feelings of your partner before you started making a change on your looks. You are not changing his interest in life nor his views, you simply want him to know that he dont need to change his looks coz you already love him for who he is.
1 person likes this
@sujithakripesh (425)
• India
3 Oct 08
I think this is a very small problem. You dont need to worry for this so much. You told whatever you felt like and he told whatever he wants to do. In a relationship there should be some space for each other. You should not try to change anybody after being in a relationship. If at all it is about a bad habit or something then you can try to change his bad habits in him or try to help him to bring that bad habits down. But, otherwise in such things you better dont have to force him. You first see how does it looks after piercing and tell your opinion about it. For this reason you dont have to stop loving him. If you really love him speak to him tell him that you love him. There should be some compromising in a successful relationship. Thats what I feel friend. Have a great day. Happy lotting
1 person likes this
@insulin (2479)
• Philippines
3 Oct 08
Well for me its not..Why will you change if that's who you are..I mean yeah we need to adjust with our partner but not really change..Our partners should accept who we are from the beginning that they've known us..I know its hard though because there are times that we want to change them,but that is difficult well if they are willing then that will be fine..:-0 You better love him of who he is because thats what really love is..:-0 God bless and have a nice day.:-0
@missybear (11391)
• United States
3 Oct 08
I think he should have talked to you more about it.
Not just call and say i'm gonna do it.
Maybe if you talked about it you coul come to some kind of an agreement.
But isn't it better than a tatoo, you can take out the piercing.
1 person likes this
@asselg1984 (375)
• Philippines
3 Oct 08
having a relationship with someone comes with respect. if your bf wants to have that piercing despited of your objection, i guess there is nothing you could do but respect it. if he is used to it, it is hard to stop the things he loves doing, and i hope you understand that, well there are so many disadvantages of piercing, and if he did not listen to you, let him learn his own lessons. he will someday realize that it will not help him or make him more of a man. if you will change yourself for him, that is good, that means you are selfless enough to sacrifice for him, but he is the other way around, that does not mean he does not love you at all, opposites attract and that is what the two of you are..time changes and people changes, who knows someday he will..
do not give up your life because of that reason ONLY..
1 person likes this
@shooie (4984)
• United States
3 Oct 08
Trying to change someone is never a good thing in life. We are who we are. Thing is you are both young and well he's going to try things you don't like and you will do things he doesn't like. You will just need to work through them. Where is he getting pierced? Your ears pierced? You are lucky it is piercing he is doing and not gauging.
@chengbeb (285)
• Philippines
3 Oct 08
My dear...change is inevitable. It happens every single day without you even noticing it. Just because you're boyfriend wants to get piercings doesn't mean he doesn't love you anymore. He is an individual just like you and he longs for individuality too. You can't change anyone because you want them to. Change must come from within...from themselves. A friend of mine once told me am I loving a certain guy because of the way he looks or because of the way he makes me feel. Think about that. Honey, if you worry more about the change in his looks then you really don't love him at all. It's just the superficial things that you love. Piercing is just a small thing to ruin a beautiful relationship.
@whianne (17)
• Philippines
3 Oct 08
well, it's not bad for you to say no and don't like for your boyfiends' like such as putting that kind of stuff but i guess if he's happy what his doing just go on.. anyway you tried your best to tell him it's not nice to see... you can change the person's bad side personality but you can't control what he want and what he likes.. even me i don't like guys has pierced but you are there for him to advice and support if it's bad just explain.if he loves you she will listen and understand.
=)
@shell94 (990)
• Canada
2 Oct 08
I don't think it is fair to try to change someone. We are all unique individuals and this is because we all have our own thoughts and idea in regards to things. You can state an opinion but to threaten or make someone choose is just not right. We enter a relationship knowing we are different at that time, what gives us the right to try to change someone else. I used to think like you are and after many years of turmoil within myself I have finally grown up about it!
@manuelkoppensteiner (41)
• Austria
2 Oct 08
hm. the strict sense was, if he takes care about things I defenetly don´t want. I mean, I would do that. At least in most of possible cases... Or am I to shallow to be in such a relationship?
I know, this all sounds really selfish, but I´m pretty confused about myself. I feel like I couldn´t live with this. On the other side I know that I don´t wanna live without him. I hate such situations... D:
@grammasnook (1871)
• United States
3 Oct 08
If he changes everything you do not like eventually he would become you and lose his identity as a person.
1 person likes this
@Farside604 (870)
• Canada
3 Oct 08
Personally i dont think its right to try and change somone. While it may seem to work at first the person u change him to might not be the same person u once knew. Also the person might end up resenting you for having changed them so much, becuase after all who wants to give up who they are.
@kerriannc (4279)
• Jamaica
3 Oct 08
I think that you should understand that this is how relationship is. You cannot change him and he is young and will do the things that he wants to enjoy. My question to you is why do you want to change yourself for a man. Self Esteem is a good thing and changing yourself for someone is not good. You in yourself should see that you are doing something that will affect your goals and your ambitions. If you see some attitude preventing you from succeeding then you can change it but not for a person who just want you to.
You are young and remember May is still far away maybe he will change is mind.
@1111appleblossoms (169)
• Canada
3 Oct 08
I don't think it's fair to want to change him. And if you think about it, a piercing isn't really going to change him at all. My husband always said he hated tatoos, well last year i decided I was going to get one and guess what? he loves it! The tatoo didn't change who I am. Appearances won't change who he is, he's still the same person on the inside that you fell in love with.
Besides, now you have something new to buy him as surprises!
1 person likes this
@aisaellis22 (6445)
• United States
2 Oct 08
What you felt is right. Your boyfriend should know that you hated piercing, why would he do it? He only did what could make you fall out of love to him and he doesn't care if that would happen. If you're willing to change because of him, why can't he change because of you? Beside, what you really did is not changing him but helping him, because me myself, I hate guys who have pierce everywhere. So if he really loves you, he will not do the things that you didn't like.
My husband always consulted me, in all things he will do or not. When he asked me if i like him to have beard, i told him NO the next morning I found him shaving his beard? see? Because I know that he loves me and he doesn't want me to feel out of love or to hate him because there's something on his face or his body that i hated so much.
hope it helps, happy mylotting!
@aisaellis22 (6445)
• United States
2 Oct 08
Well, if you really felt that way, it's now your decision. I don't know why you really felt out love with him, but if it is all about piercing or something, he just got the consequence of his action. And if you really felt that you slowly fell out of love, well go on, whatever you will decide, make sure it's your own good, and make sure that you really don't love him anymore. And besides it's not a selfish thing because you can't go on to a person whom you're not happy anymore.
@manuelkoppensteiner (41)
• Austria
2 Oct 08
Hm. The thing is, I know exactly that he loves me. And I don´t think that he wants to make me fall out of love. Its just a thing he wanned to to since years. And I can understand him if he doesn´t take care about my opinion if its that important to him, but slowly I´m afraid to really fall out of love. Something I really don´t want to... :(
@manuelkoppensteiner (41)
• Austria
2 Oct 08
and I feel that selfish and shallow by thinking like that, but I cant stop :(
@annjilena (5618)
• United States
3 Oct 08
well it sound like you don,t like what he about to do. he has to make his on mind up what he wants to do this something you can,t do it for him, he has to do it for himself.try respecting what he wants to do even though you don,t like it show him support of what he wants to do.nothing god made is ugly
@palonghorn (5479)
• United States
3 Oct 08
Based on his age, I'm guessing you are about the same age, from personal experience and having two grown daughters, one 26 and one 19, the odds are you won't grow old together. That being said, is this something he has talked about wanting to do, or is it something that just came up? If it's something he has talked about doing for some time, then you should have known that eventually he would carry through with it. If it's something that just came up, then maybe he is testing your relationship, to see if he matters more than a piercing. Either way, you can't change someone, and you can't 'make' them into what You want them to be. You either love him for who he is, or you make the decision that he's really not 'the one' for you. It's like marrying someone that smokes, and then expecting them to quit just because you don't like it, odds are it's just going to cause arguments and animosity between the two people. And by the same token, you shouldn't have to change for anyone, they either love you for who you are or they don't, but they shouldn't expect you to change just for them.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
3 Oct 08
manuelkop;p;ensteiner hi if you cannot love your boyfriend unconditionally, and he cannot love you unconditionally, there is no bond between you. You must not change yourself for him, or expect him to change himself for you. if hes ugly with piercings to you,you do notreally loce him. for one thing hes still very'young and I think you could do much better for yourself. @tapnaroy12 (875)
• India
3 Oct 08
I guess, defining the limit correctly is important. both the partners need to change themselves to make the relationship healthy. But there must be a limit to compromize.
@mercuryman3a (2477)
• India
3 Oct 08
A marriage is successful if you do not stick to yor own ideas and thoughts but are ready to accept and adjust. You have to make a lot of compromises to make the marriage work out. Before marriage if you find that you are not able to adjust to teh ideas and thoughts of your man,then he is not the right man for you. Find someone who is more compatible. There should no room for regret after marriage. Then you will have to accept his faults along with his strengths to make the marriage work. Noman or womanis perfec.Each one has many shortcomings. It is up to us how seriously we take these shortcomings.
@whicloudly (12)
• China
3 Oct 08
don't think so much,dear,if he love u enough,i think he'll change for u without ask,even u wanna he change for u,don't say out,believe me,i'll do everythings if it's my mind
