He is back and begging ...
By ebsharer
@ebsharer (5515)
United States
October 20, 2008 1:01pm CST
He came back a week after I signed my divorce papers and told me he still loves me and misses me and all the other crap I was willing to hear.
Then just a few days later he says maybe he spoke too soon!
Now here we are yet again with him saying he wants me back. I just want to kill him!!!! What do I do. I love him but I don't like him at all right now. I can't stay on this emotional FREAKING roller coaster!!!!
So some things that he has changed - He changed his schedule to where we will see each other more then one day a week. He has started counsling. Those were big issues with us.
I did start dating and yes I was already told I shouldn't have done that so please don't even go there. I did it to occupy my time. Because sitting at home just made me want to call him. Even when I was out I wanted to call him but I didn't at the same time - I had fun, I smiled, I laughed all things that I haven't done too much latly. So now here I am faced with a decision. Do I take him back and risk losing the happyness I have found or do I not take him back and know that I am happy right now? I don't know how long the happy from my current life will last. But I don't know that I can be happy with him again.
Thank you in advance for you responses. Although I know that no one can tell me what to do - that I have to make the decison myself your thoughts are always helpful!
11 people like this
21 responses
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Oct 08
I agree with what thelastwolf said. It's something that Ann Landers used to recommend to people. Make a list of reasons why you're better off WITH the person and another one of why you're better off WITHOUT him. Answer honestly and then decide what's more important to you and what you can and cannot live with. Then make a decision and stick to it, tough as it might be to do that. Good luck!
3 people like this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
21 Oct 08
I am in somewhat the same boat, no love in the marriage (on my side), but children, can't make up my dang mind. But my husband's a good guy. Sounds like yours is a bit of a loose cannon. It's awful being jerked around like that. But only you can make up your mind, so find a way to do what it takes to make a decision and then stick to it. This back and forth stuff will drive you nuts!
1 person likes this
@lisa0502 (1724)
• Canada
20 Oct 08
My question to you is, is it worth it? Is he worth it? Are you willing to fight for it? Do you want to continue being on this emotional roller coaster? Is he likely to keep the changes or change back? Are the pro's greater than the con's when it comes to being with him? I have an aunt in a similar situation, it is all up to you but think it through carefully. If there is any question about whether it will get better than I would suggest waiting until you are sure.
3 people like this
@ebsharer (5515)
• United States
21 Oct 08
Is it worth it
If it could be the way it was yes.
Is he worth it?
He is a good man and a very good dad.
Are you willing to fight for it?
I don't know if I have any fight left I have been fighting for 6 months.
Do you want to continue being on this emotional roller coaster?
That is an easy NO
Is he likely to keep the changes or change back?
Right now I would say things will go back to crap.
Are the pro's greater than the con's when it comes to being with him?
Because of the way he has made me feel in the last 6 months I would say the cons are more then the pros but if things could go back to the way we were say 2 years ago I'd say the pros 100000%
All that being said its like I said to the first poster what I should do and what I am surposed to do are 2 different things.
@proudmammabear (556)
• Canada
21 Oct 08
The problem with if things could go back.....they can't they never will be like they were 2 years ago, too many things have happened, you have both changed very greatly from the people you were at that time. I think that by thinking that things could ever go back you are keeping yourself "stuck" and "in love" Truth be told I think that the person you are in love with is the man from two years ago, but he isn't here anymore, he is gone and he isn't comming back, now you have to ask yourself do you love the man that stands infront of you today, based on how he treats you, what he says to you etc? You can't even base it on whether he is a good dad, because that is the relationship he has with your child, not the relationship between the two of you. Tough place to be in, God Bless!
1 person likes this
I don't have any more words of wisdom for you dear. Search your heart, remember it's more than just you and then make a call you can live with.
@jands1 (835)
• United States
20 Oct 08
ebsharer, hun. Please. This is the screwed up cycle he has you over a barrel in. It's a simple decision. Either he is in love with you and wants to be with you or not. And by his flip flopping BS, he doesn't. Enough of this, "I'm scared." or whatever else excuse he is coming up with. Is he or is he not a grown man?
Personally, I would walk away. This is playing havoc with you and ultimately your child. How DARE he do this to you? You are worth so much more than this ebsharer.
If you really do wish to be with him, be strong. Give him a time frame. Something like, "I'm going to live my life. If you continue with therapy and you still feel the same way in (3 months, 6 months, a year...whatever) then we can re approach this issue. Until then, for our child and my own sanity, I can't keep going back and forth. It is causing me to develop abandonment issues and teaching our child that being a wishy washy flake is acceptable."
Of course you can word it as you want. ;) And you can do as you want.
I am SUPER glad to hear you are dating. Good men are NOT hard to find.
Thanks for the update girl. You know I have you in my thoughts. *hugs*
@ebsharer (5515)
• United States
21 Oct 08
Okay your entire post made me laugh! In a good way of course! Thank you thank you and thank you for your response! I agree that I shouldn't jump into any thing that I should give him a time frame in fact I said that to him. I said look I am going to live my life you live yours and when you are ready to make a final decision on being with me or not I may or may not be here. The problem is he begged me to just wait for him and for some reason this man has this hold on me that way. I don't think its a bad thing I think its the love I feel for him. He can talk me into basically any thing and thats when I get hurt (emotionaly).
Right now we are taking it one day at a time ...
1 person likes this
@Shar1979 (2722)
• United States
21 Oct 08
if you feel that you still love him and you are willing to give him a chance then by all means...do it. like they said...make a pros and cons. you can also tell him to give yourselves a break for now and see where it goes. you are hurting right now and confused. it's best to give yourself a time to weigh things between you and him
2 people like this
@writermommy6 (60)
• United States
21 Oct 08
My ex did this to me. Did yours know that you had started dating again? The moment he heard I might be with someone else he was all like "Let's get together for dinner and talk"
The thing is that sometimes men don't realize how good they have it until it's gone. I think I would pray long and hard about anything. How long did the divorce take? If you don't mind me asking. If it was a long drawn out affair then he had every opportunity to change. If seeing him is too hard on you then tell him to stay away, except for child visitation. Keep it civil but no lovey dovey talk. He can't tell you he loves you and wants you back and then change his mind. That's not fair at all.
You have to be happy with yourself and you can't fix him. If you go back to him is he still going to have the incentive to change?
My prayer during all the divorce mess was this: Lord help me to let go and accept whatever future you have for me. If it is with my ex then show me the way, if it's not then help me have peace about it and be able to stand strong when I need to.
Don't know if that helps or not. Today I am happily married for 11 years with a wonderful man and four beautiful children. I got back 100 times what I left behind.
I've been told that my ex has been married at least 2 more times and has at least one child with the woman he married after me.
@ebsharer (5515)
• United States
21 Oct 08
Yes he knew I was dating. I started dating and then when it came time to sign the divorce papers one of the few questions I asked him before I signed them was "does it bother you even in the least bit I am dating" He said "NO NOT AT ALL" After that question and a few more I realized that he was over me. But then a week later he was saying i love you and miss you! GRRRRR
Okay all this started 6 MONTHS ago!!! (Please seee the links on the first page for my other discussions on the subject.) We are not divorced yet just the first set of papers are signed so now we are in our 90 day waiting period. He told me he wanted a divorce about 8 times before he actually filed. I fought him each time. Then the last time I "called his bluff" and said file the damn papers - he did. Now here we are.
I am happy things worked out for you. I know they will for me too in time with or with out him.
@34momma (13882)
• United States
21 Oct 08
oh honey i am so sorry to hear about the ups and downs you are dealing with right now. like you said no one can tell you what to do, but i am going to tell you this. Please don't look for happiness from any one or any place but right inside of you. i promise you if you do you will be disappionted over and over again.
1 person likes this
@chrislotz (8137)
• Canada
21 Oct 08
I am sort of in the same situation as you are. I left my husband, common-in-law,6 months ago and he wants me back too. When I left him I moved to another city out of province, and he has come to see me once and I have gone to see him once, and we talk on the phone all of the time, but I don't know if I can trust him that he has changed, as he says he has.
I am not happy yet, as you are. I have not gone out on a date or anything. I have no friends yet, don't know anyone. I am having a really hard time with deciding what to do.
So, I am not the one to give you any answers because I don't know what to do myself. I guess, just listen to your instincts.
1 person likes this
@ebsharer (5515)
• United States
21 Oct 08
Well let me say this. I didn't know who I was going to date but I knew I wanted to get out of the house. A friend recommeded a dating web site to me that is completely free. It helped me to find a few dates and really I have met a few really wonderful people. I have made friends with most and went on a few dates any way you look at it I had some fun.
The differance between you and I is my husband left me, and more then once more then twice in fact more then 6 times in the last 6 months. He leaves then I take him back.
When does it end???
@chrislotz (8137)
• Canada
22 Oct 08
It ends when you say so. It is all up to you. I haven't tried any dating sites yet but
I know that, that is one way of doing it. Two of my sisters have new boyfriends that they
found through a dating site, plenty of fish. I may have to give it a try for me too.
1 person likes this
@sminut13 (1783)
• Singapore
21 Oct 08
reading the first few lines made me see red. that sounded really irritating. well this is the outsider's point of view of course, so i don't really know your feelings.
like you said, i can't offer any help but just give my thoughts. reading some more, i began to have other thoughts. it would be tough to reject him if you still loved him. there are cases where the wife or loves the hubby so much or vice versa that she'd forgive him if he apologised later on despite being abused mentally or even physically.
you have already accepted him once before and then he says he spoke to soon. i don't blame you for feeling that way. in my simple opinion since i can't think too deep, you might as well reject him though it will be quite hard especially if you still have feelings for him. but whatever decision you take, just make sure that you're at peace with yourself and happy about it. best of luck
@sminut13 (1783)
• Singapore
22 Oct 08
aww i really feel for you. it must be emotionally draining. just do things that will calm you down and relax you. but of course, don't run away from the problem as well. be courageous and tackle that problem. i'm sure that you will make a good decision. best of luck.
1 person likes this
@saundyl (9783)
• Canada
20 Oct 08
I'd be hesitant to take him back right now...I'd be one saying I'd think about it IF you continue to make an effort and be friends again first. If hes being wishywashy now...I'd be leery of taking him back.
I dont see why you shouldnt have started dating again...If it keeps you happy and less stressed...its better than sitting home wanting to call him.
2 people like this
@penny64 (1106)
• Australia
22 Oct 08
Wow! I've hardly been on MyLot for the last couple of months as I've been so busy. Last I heard you had sorted out everything and were moving house for him. I got such a shock when I read this discussion. You poor thing ... I feel for you deeply.
Obviously I can only give you my personal feeling based on your discussion, and that is that you should continue with the divorce. My reasons for feeling this way are firstly because of the way you word your post. There is nothing positive about him - every scenario with him is negative in your mind. There's no going backwards - it just doesn't work that way. Secondly ... honestly, will you ever be able to trust him? Will you always be wondering if he will do this again? As a married couple and as parents you will face problems together - will he just run away again at the first sign of trouble?
I think he has lost your trust and your respect, and these are almost impossible to regain. Personally, I think it is wonderful that you have dated again. It will help you remember your worth and how beautiful you really are. You are an intelligent woman, and you know not to get too involved with someone else until you have sorted this out. It doesn't mean you can't have fun.
Wanting to call him is a form of grief, because you are missing what you used to have. Grief fades with time and we all move on. You deserve so much more.
You know what though? Any decision you make now doesn't have to be for the rest of your life. You need to be ready in your own heart. If you leave him and it was actually meant to be, things will turn around for you in the future. If you stay with him, and it doesn't work out, then you can leave then. There is no right or wrong or permanent decision here.
Good luck and take care!
Penny
1 person likes this
@ebsharer (5515)
• United States
24 Oct 08
Well Miss Penny I’m happy to see you here!!! Hope you stick around this time!!!
Yes there was one more discussion in there you missed between me moving because he asked me to and this one. He filed for a divorce. Here is the link http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1686666.aspx
Thank you for giving me your opinion that’s all I wanted. I know that ultimately I have to make the choice to stay or go. Most people in my life have told me to go and my head tells me to go but my heart that’s a different story my heart says wait he will come around my heart says he will come back to me.
The trust thing is an issue that is why I am trying to take things very slow with him right now. I am trying to just take it one day at a time and see what happens every day. Either we will start to do okay again or things will continue to dwindle down and there won’t be any thing left. I know that I would love for things to just be as they were. I also know that it can’t happen over night. We didn’t turn into the people we are today overnight. I know that all my thoughts have been negative but I think HE can change that by showing me that he loves me. By working on himself and fixing his own issues.
It bothers me that he was willing to give up and once he seen that I could get on with my life he wanted it back. Its one of those things where he realized the grass REALLY isn’t greener on the other side!
I did start to date and like I said I did it to occupy my time. The week after he said he filed for a divorce and he would not be coming home my daughter went to FL with my parents for 3 weeks. I was all alone and needed some thing to do so I went on a few dates. When she got home the dates basically stopped. I have been on a few but only on the weekends I don’t have her. Going on the dates made me feel all the things I haven’t felt in a long time. There are two men that I could see myself “dating” if things didn’t work out with my husband but I have told both of them of my situation and told both of them that I needed a few weeks to decide what I am going to do. They both understand and both are willing to give me the time I need. And really it’s the time my husband needs. This is his time to prove to me that he really wants to be with me. And that its for real this time. That he really won’t just walk away when things get bad.
Thank you Penny for all your insight!!!
1 person likes this
@penny64 (1106)
• Australia
25 Oct 08
The most important thing is that you are now looking at the situation with your eyes open. I have total faith in your instincts to do what is right for any particular time. Perhaps this has been the wake up call that your hubbie needed. Whatever decision you make, there will be people who think you are wrong, but their opinion is just that ... an opinion. Hang in there!
1 person likes this
@wanderer086 (759)
•
20 Oct 08
I do not blame you for starting to date again with your husband behaving like that. I am glad that you are happy now. No one can guarantee that you will stay happy as you are now. There are never any guarantees in life but you were certainly not happy with him either. It seems like he likes playing with your mind. Think very hard before you let him back into your life. You have only just managed to get rid of him. Is he really worth the hassle. Only you can decide.
@ebsharer (5515)
• United States
21 Oct 08
I didn't start right away I mean this has been going on for 6 months! I fought my fight for about 5 months up till the day I signed my divorce papers. When I was ready to sign them I called him and asked him to come over. He did I asked him if he missed me at all he said no. I asked him if he thought there was any chance for us to work out he said no. So I signed my divorce papers and went about my way. That was my way of accepting us not being together any more. Then what happend he changed his freaking mind again!
2 people like this
@wanderer086 (759)
•
21 Oct 08
Well he had his chance then. So unless you really, really think he is worth more trouble then the answer should be a lot easier. But it probably isnt
1 person likes this
@LilPixelle (828)
• United States
20 Oct 08
If you loved him and he is seeking help for the two main issues and he loves you, I would recommend playing with his mind a LITTLE BIT just to make sure he will really stay that way, talk to him once in a while, but dont put up with crap, at all. you have a choice now, and he needs to get that, If he REALLY wants you back, make him work, HARD. I dont like encouraging divorce by ANY means I believe 80% of couples can likely work it out and just call it quits too early, but you already did it, and I have to admit in this case, you hold quite a bit of power to change your future, I would say get back togethor with him, because that is my opinion based on my christain beliefs, but you are in a situation right now where you CAN make him realize that you really arent going to take a lot of crap and that marriage really is a partnership, Hopefully you get where I'm coming from
2 people like this
@ebsharer (5515)
• United States
21 Oct 08
I get where you are coming from but I don't think you seen my other discussions. Take a look. I didn't give up easy or quick. This has been 6 LONG months of me fighting for him and him screwing around. Please see my other discussions.
1st http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1616148.aspx
2nd http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1636454.aspx
3rd http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1686666.aspx
1 person likes this
@swanriver (72)
• China
21 Oct 08
a man with such childish behavior could mess up your life easily! if he does not really know what he wants in life, who can be of help? just let him grow by himself and you can set out with new life. of course you can still be friends but i think it will be good for you to go on with your own life. it's still not the time for you to make a decision whether to be with him again or not, it depends on how things go, even if you really love him, he should still need to learn a lesson of how to love and how to value love. remember, kisses easily stolen is soon forgotten. easy come easy go...
1 person likes this
@writermommy6 (60)
• United States
21 Oct 08
Remember you can love someone and still not be with them. I'll always have a place in my heart for my ex but in order for me to be happy I had to get as far away from him as possible.
1 person likes this
@ebsharer (5515)
• United States
24 Oct 08
No offence but my situation is a little different then yours. B didn't cheat - When he did get with C things were already done between us. Things between them are not over but not going either. He started the counsling like I required and a few other things have changed.
B and I both need time to figure out what is going to happen next. We are both taking some time for ourselves and a few momenets here and there for us.
I wish you a R the best I hope that things get better between you two. I hear that he is actually doing the right thing these days am I hearing right??
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
22 Oct 08
Oh wow, I seem to have missed out on a lot somewhere along the line. This is the first notification of a discussion that I have ever had from you, I did not even realise that the two of you were parted. I am really sorry to hear this though, I know you had tried really hard to make things right.
To be honest with you, if I were in your shoes and I was happy in my new life I would not want to rush into taking him back. If you think that by taking him back you are going to be unhappy and in the same position as before then you should consider that and put yourself first just hold him off a bit. Heck if I was as happy as you think you are right now I would not take him back at all!
1 person likes this
@ebsharer (5515)
• United States
24 Oct 08
Well I don't know how happy I am today because of all this 2 weeks ago I wasn't happy but I wasn't sad either I was just going through the motions of life. Right now I don't know what happy is innless I'm with my daughter. I haven't made a decision yet but when I do I'll let every one know!
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
21 Oct 08
ebsharer, of course you must eventually decide for yourself,
but I would say go with your gut feeling. He is waffling
'back and forth, and something tells me that he is still
much as he was when you signed the papers. I think maybe'
he just wants to be back in some comfort zone even as he
really doesnt want to change at all. I think you have to trust your gut feeling on this. You sound like you have found
happiness you did not have before. I would at least wait awhile
before making that decision If I were you.trust your womans
intuition , it seldom goes wrong.
1 person likes this
@kenzie45230 (3560)
• United States
21 Oct 08
If I were you, I'd be careful. I would insist that you go to joint counseling as well as seperate counseling. I would insist that all the issues be put on the table and discussed, and I would insist that each one be addressed.
I would list my "must haves" and my "will not tolerates" and stick to that list.
1 person likes this
@PrincessThinker (234)
• Philippines
21 Oct 08
hi.
I don' really know honestly. I haven't been in a relationship before. But I will suggest that you think it for a million times and consider everthing. Not only your feelings,not only his feelings.
This is but an old saying but I will remind you in case you have forgotten about it. Do not decide when you are too happy and neither do you decide when you are so lonely or angry.
Weigh what you heart says. Weigh what your mind says. They should be balanced. And ultimately, I suggest you pray for it. I believe there is power in prayer. He will tell you what you do.
God bless. I know you can surpass that trial.
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