An invitiation to suprise a friend at her baby shower.
By makingpots
@makingpots (11915)
United States
October 20, 2008 2:53pm CST
I have a dilemna. All input and opinions are welcome.
A friend of mine, lives out of state and her husband has invited me to come be a house guest and surprise her by attending her baby shower. I'm willing to go and can afford the airfare.
But here is the twist.
Her first husband was a close and dear friend of mine from college. I know her through him and through the years we have become really close. We visit each other, vacation together etc.
A few years ago, she cheated on her husband with her current husband and has now gone on to a beautiful, happy life with him. She and I have never spoken about any of it. It all absolutely crushed my friend/her first husband. While I like her new husband who is actually a good man, I sometimes feel he goes to too much effort to try and force a friendship with me and my husband.
This will be her first child and she is having that child a little later in life. I have been there and know how special this life changing event is for her. I want to be a friend and share this beautiful time with her. But since I have been there, I know the strain that can be placed on a marriage when you try for years to get pregnant without success. I know what she went through and sometimes feel she chose to cop out, chose the easy way out. Again, we have never talked about it.
My dilemna:
1. I don't love the whole surprise aspect of this. Plus, since I will be a houseguest, I worry that too much time will be spent making me at home when this should be a weekend all about her. I just wish I could speak with her about it.
4 people like this
18 responses
@cupid74 (11388)
• Pakistan
21 Oct 08
Hi Pots
hope u must be doing well
Whats Dilemma in It. Whyu r thinking that far?
I am sure past has nothing to do with it. if she is done and over with it then why u r considering it
I am sure she must be happy with her baby shower and its arrangement. So i would suggest that if u want to join then dont think much and i am sure nothing harm in staying at her place as her husband might have all arrangements. no need to spend extr money
Go enjoy and come back, dont need to be so senstive
Wish u all the best
Take care
I am sure she must be happy with her baby shower and its arrangement. So i would suggest that if u want to join then dont think much and i am sure nothing harm in staying at her place as her husband might have all arrangements. no need to spend extr money
Go enjoy and come back, dont need to be so senstive
Wish u all the best
Take care
2 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
21 Oct 08
Wow, cupid, you sound like you must know me personally.
Yes, I am over thinking it....... I tend to do that.
And I am being over sensitive...... one of my greatest faults.
But it is not about me, rather about my dear friend. I will attend, enjoy it greatly and let go of some of my sensitivities about it.
Thanks for the input.
@cupid74 (11388)
• Pakistan
22 Oct 08
Hi Pots
thanks for liking my response, anddd hmmm r u sure i start knowing uuu
Well, i am sure ur friend get a kid and she wont be thinking of past an trust me not even much about current hubby, LOL, as u narrate she get kid quite late so she must be enjoying the feeling of being MOM
So just go, stay at their place, enjoy, have nice time, u urself get relax and take it as time Out
Have Fun
Byeeee
Well, i am sure ur friend get a kid and she wont be thinking of past an trust me not even much about current hubby, LOL, as u narrate she get kid quite late so she must be enjoying the feeling of being MOM
So just go, stay at their place, enjoy, have nice time, u urself get relax and take it as time Out
Have Fun
Byeeee
@mrsfred96 (85)
• United States
21 Oct 08
Despite what happened before with her previous husband she is still your friend and she needs you there with her right now. This is a very special time in her life and it would probably break her heart if she ever knew you were invited and you opted not to be there. We all have to do things for those we love even if it't not comfortable or we don't completely agree with it. You would want her to be there for you. So just go for the party and keep smiling knowing that you are being the very best friend you can be. Forget about the past- it's gone and there isn't anything that you can do to change it. She cheated on her husband not you so let it go. This is a time to be happy- and don't we all need a little of that right now?
2 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
21 Oct 08
Hello, mrsfred96. And welcome to myLot.
Thank you for the beautifully straigt forward response to this discussion. I look forward seeing you around myLot. :)
I will be there celebrating this amazing and life changing event with my dear friend and will have a wonderful time. I have appreciated everyone talking me through it.
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
21 Oct 08
That is quite a dilema for you. I don't think I have any words of wisdom because I've never been in a situation like that. Maybe you should suggest that you'd feel like you were in the way if you stayed at the house and that you'd be more comfortable at a hotel???
Good luck!
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
22 Oct 08
Good luck to you. I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you :)
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
21 Oct 08
Thanks, reinydawn.
That is exactly what I thought from the very beginning. The problem being, I had not counted on spending the money on this trip.
I had spent a good bit of money on arranging for a special gift to be at the shower since I was not going to be there.
But at the end of the day, it is about friendship and celebrating a new life. Not money.
2 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
20 Oct 08
Well your only other option is to stay at a hotel if you can afford it so they don't have to go out of their way to make you feel at home.
But regardless if you stay at a hotel or with the friend, you should definitly go, this is a special time in her life and you should be there to celebrate it with her.
And regardless of how much you may disagree, her husband wants it to be a surprise, you have to respect his wishes. Just because YOU may not like the surprise aspect does not mean that she won't. Just go and be a good friend and have fun. Let them (more like him, the hubby) worry about the rest.
1 person likes this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
20 Oct 08
[b]I hit the submit button before finishing this.......Uggggg!!
Dilemna cont'd:
2. Being that she and I have never discussed all this, I worry that it will add an additional sense of awkwardness for her.... and again this is HER weekend. I worry that her husband has not considered all this and would like to know if she would want this herself. Again, he tries so hard to force our relationship.
3. The shower itself is NOT a surprise. Just my being there to share it with her is the surprise aspect. I have known about the shower for some time and have arranged to have something personal and very special to her there, to respresent my being there (so to speak). Her husband is doing the surprise part for her, very last minute. I worry that he is being a little selfish (he has the propencity to be). He will be the only person to know if I don't show up and if he tells her he tried to do this and I didn't accept... well that would be inconsiderate of him, but I have no control over that.
I am better friends with her and hardly know him. I wish I could talk to her.
What are your thoughts as you read this????[/b]
katsmeow,
You are right, in the end it will mean the most to her to have a close friend to share this with.
If I start adding on hotel, car etc., it is not something I am willing to do being that I was given such short notice.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
20 Oct 08
Personally I think it's sweet he's trying to do this for her. Sure it's supposed to be her weekend.. but how is that going to change just because you're there? You can still steer the weekend the correct direction.
I don't see why the things you haven't discussed should be an issue. She's about to be a mom, the conversations will be all about motherhood and not about ex husbands and what not. I think you're just worrying a bit too much.
1 person likes this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
21 Oct 08
I think you are exactly right. I'm worrying to much about all this.
Bottom line, I want to celebrate this new life with a dear friend and nothing else matters. This is exactly why I came here with this dilemna. Thanks.
1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
20 Oct 08
you are in a predictament. do u still talk to her first husband to? looks like you are between a rock & a hard place. that was probably one person i would have let go if i was still close to the first husband. all i know to say is follow your heart.
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
21 Oct 08
Yes, it is a bit of a predicament for me. I am still friends and actually better friends with her 1st husband. We go way back!
He still has deep feelings for her and probably always will. Yet, selflessly, he is happy for her that she is having the child she always wanted. It tears my heart out.
The worse part of all this for me is that she has not wanted to talk with me about it at all. We bonded in an all different way when my son was born and now we have a friendship based on something other than our history together. Does that make sense?
I'm proud of the fact that the dilemna stems from having so many caring wonderful people in my life....... in other world's this would have become ugly, messy and everyone might have lost good friends.
Your words are very wise. I will be following my heart. It never fails me.
2 people like this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
21 Oct 08
You know, while I was reading this I was thinking that
it was a story not real life. It was the way it read,
something from a novel. But then I realized that it was
not a novel, it was real life and you were asking for
help with this very real dilema! I see your point and I
understand how you feel, at least I think I do. I would
feel somewhat uncomfortable about the situation as you
have described. The whole thing is a bit awkward. The
secrets before, the secret now. I definitely don't think
that it would be a good idea for you to stay with them
at the house. If you would really like to be there to
support your friend I would make arrangements to stay
at a hotel. I think it would be too much of a strain on
you and your friend if you were to stay there under the
circumstances. I think that would be the best answer to
the situation if you truly want to go to the shower. That
way it will be less stressful for you and your pregnant
friend.
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
21 Oct 08
Hi Opal26.
Haha, yes this would make for a good side story in some novel. If only I were a writer...
.
The current husband and I have had a nice chat over all my concerns. At the end of the day, we both love her dearly and want only what will make her happy. I will attend and it will be wonderful!
Thanks for all of your input.
.
The current husband and I have had a nice chat over all my concerns. At the end of the day, we both love her dearly and want only what will make her happy. I will attend and it will be wonderful!
Thanks for all of your input.
@ronaldinu (12422)
• Malta
20 Oct 08
I think your situation is straight forward, if her husband phones back, just tell him what you have written here. I would tell him there and then that I don't like the idea of a surprise visit. © ronaldinu 2008
1 person likes this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
21 Oct 08
That is just what I did, ronaldinu. We had a nice chat and are both on the same page about all this.
1 person likes this
@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
20 Oct 08
I get the impression from your posting that the situation makes you feel uneasy. Remember you will not just be spending a couple of hours at the shower and then "escaping" back to your home. I would not like to be stuck spending a few days in an uncomfortable situation.
1 person likes this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
21 Oct 08
Yes, those were my thoughts. If this shower were here in my town, I would not have even had a second thought.
But it was not MY feeling stuck in an uncomfortable situation that was concerning me, it was the expectant mother feeling uncomfortable that had me concerned.
Thanks for the input.
1 person likes this
@cyntrow (8523)
• United States
20 Oct 08
You said that you and she have not spoken about it, but is she your friend??? The break up of a marraige does not need to include the break up of friendships. I have been friends with couples who have split and I have still remained friends with both. If she's a friend; if you care about her, you should go.
On another side, if she is a friend then this should not be a dilema. After she has the baby and things settle for her, the two of you should discuss the situation. Only if she is a friend and if you care about the friendship. You need to do some soul searching I think.
1 person likes this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
21 Oct 08
You are right, cyntrow. I needed to do some soul searching over this.
We have remained friends through all of this because at the heart of it, we are truly caring friends. We do need to have a difficult discussion or two in the future, but that has nothing do to with celebrating the exciting birth of her first child.
After a nice chat with her husband we are on the same page about my concerns. And we are both committed to making this a very special day for her. I will be going.
Thanks for your input on this. I have grown to love this about myLot.
1 person likes this
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
21 Oct 08
makingpots,
In the first place, you can simply pick up the phone or via MSN and have a good tak with her. I understand your disposition here, however, I think you should look at it from another perspective.
Friendship, whatever it is with her ex husband should not interfere with your current friend. I do agree that there may be some odd issues, however, I think these issues are surfaced due to your over sensitivity and over consideration for your dear college friend a.k.a. her ex husband.
First of all, I feel that it would help if you could try and accept the fact that they are apart and that does not mean that you have the need to take sides. Even to the extent, you are aware of the reason(s) for their fall out. As you have said it, their separation may just be as simple as, that she copped out and cheated on her ex. Every cause has got reasons and it is not one sided, and as much as she is at fault, I hope that you will realize that her ex is equally culpable. I suggest you should look away from what has happened between them and remind yourself that you are standing on the friendship zone to both of them and as far as that is concern, there should not be any boundaries and limits. The fact that she is extending her invitation and hospitality would tell you that she values your true friendship and we just need to remind ourselves to be cordial.
Just let their past be forgotten so that you will be able to drop your tinted glasses as you look at them.
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
21 Oct 08
Well, you make some good points, skysuccess.
All of the friendships involved in this dilemna exist on their own and have nothing to do with each other any longer. My original friend, her 1st husband, would hit me over the head (you should'a had'a V8 style) and tell me of course I should attend if I ever let him know the thoughts I am having.
This is about friendships and celebrating the beautiful moments of life together. I want to believe that I don't own a pair of those tinted glasses you refer to. In fact I am an oversensitive person but a realistic one, I do believe.
Thanks for your input to this discussion.
@nanajanet (4436)
• United States
21 Oct 08
Let go of the baggage. Life is too short to hold onto what happened in the past. Forgive and move on and allow yourself to continue the friendship. If you feel odd being there as a house guest, for your above reasons, then just go for the shower. I am sure you can come up with a good reason.
If I could tell you about the things that a good friend of mine did, I forgave, and we have a good relationship, then you would see that you can do it, too.
1 person likes this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
21 Oct 08
Yes, baggage is rather cumbersome, isn't it?
I think we both have let most of it go and the awkwardness just remains due to a few things that remain to be said. Like; "I love that we are still friends through all that life has sent our way"
I will be going and now can't even phathom not sharing this beautiful time with her. Thanks for your always appreciated response to my discussion.
@jesssp (2712)
• Canada
20 Oct 08
I agree, the best option is to stay at a hotel if it's feasible That way the surprise won't seem as severe or overhelming as it would if you stayed with them.
What it really boils down to is how much you want to be there. If you do want to see her and celebrate with them then I say go and leave it as a surprise. I think that it would definitely be more comfortable for everyone if you didn't stay with them, that way there is much less of a chance of the ex husband subject coming up. Maybe the best senario would be to come the day before the shower and leave the day after. That way you have time to celebrate with her and spend a little time with them w/o worrying that they'll be too concerned with making you at home.
And if it still doesn't feel right, send a nice gift and some pretty flowers, give her a call in the evening after the shower so you can have a nice long chat and call it good!
1 person likes this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
21 Oct 08
I'm so glad I came here with this. Everyone has been helpful.
I have had a nice talk with the husband and now feel very good about it all. I will be attending and spending a very special day with a dear friend. Thanks so much for your input.
1 person likes this
@MizzLadyB08 (1174)
• United States
20 Oct 08
All I can say is show up for the baby shower. You do not have to be a houseguest if you feel that way about the situation. Friends are a blessing.
1 person likes this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
21 Oct 08
Friends are indeed a blessing, MizzLadyB08.
I will be showing up for the shower!
1 person likes this
@tinamac77 (7)
• Canada
21 Oct 08
Big dilema and I would feel exactly the same way. In some ways I feel that if you believe in the friendship, you would of course want to share in her special day. Like you said, you have been there and know how exciting it is...However, like you said, it's her day. What about sending a gift to her through someone so she can open it at the shower. Just avoid the uncomfortableness of being there, etc however a little something just to let her know that you are thinking about her and the baby on their special day?
You could just ask the hubby if the actual shower is a surprise and if not, then I would let him know that you want to talk to her about it and be truthful. If you lose a friend over being truthful, then it was never really a friendship. Well that's at least my opinion. So there are two suggestions. But I do feel for you. I hate being put in those positions.
1 person likes this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
21 Oct 08
Thanks for the input, tinamac77. Two excellent suggestions.
I have spoken with the husband. The shower is not a surprise, just my showing up for it. We had a nice comversation about it all and I believe now that everything will workout wonderfully.
I'm so glad i brought it here to myLot and received so many nice suggestions.
1 person likes this
@Pigglies (9329)
• United States
10 Nov 08
What if you stayed at a hotel instead?
I have a question too... is this a surprise party, or are you the only surprise? If it's a surprise party, I think it would be cool to not let her know you're in town. If it's not a surprise, to me that seems a bit weird that you'll be surprising her there. I say just let her know you'll be there if that's the case.
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
10 Nov 08
I attended the event already. It was beautiful and I am so glad I went. My showing up was all that was a surprise.
@someonesmom (5761)
• Canada
20 Oct 08
Hi makingpots,
I'm wondering if you can answer a couple of questions for me here, just for my clarification? I can be a bit thick sometimes. 
Is the shower itself a surprise, or just the fact that you'll be there?
Did your friend leave her first husband, because they were having problems getting pregnant? I mean, is it this issue that drove them apart?
If it's 'only you' that's the surprise, and not the shower, then I think it's okay for you to let her husband know, that you'd like your friend to know that you'll be there.
If her first marriage ended due to the lack of children, then I think you should be able to discuss your feelings with her, about your friendship with her ex husband. If this is the case, does she know how much she hurt him, and is she sure that he was the cause of the infertility?
As for worrying about being a house guest, it seems as though her husband really wants you to stay there, so I wouldn't worry about it. I do think it's nice that it's important to him to include you (and your husband), as their friends.
Take care.
I'm wondering if you can answer a couple of questions for me here, just for my clarification? I can be a bit thick sometimes.
Is the shower itself a surprise, or just the fact that you'll be there?
Did your friend leave her first husband, because they were having problems getting pregnant? I mean, is it this issue that drove them apart?
If it's 'only you' that's the surprise, and not the shower, then I think it's okay for you to let her husband know, that you'd like your friend to know that you'll be there.
If her first marriage ended due to the lack of children, then I think you should be able to discuss your feelings with her, about your friendship with her ex husband. If this is the case, does she know how much she hurt him, and is she sure that he was the cause of the infertility?
As for worrying about being a house guest, it seems as though her husband really wants you to stay there, so I wouldn't worry about it. I do think it's nice that it's important to him to include you (and your husband), as their friends.
Take care.
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
21 Oct 08
Hi, someonesmom.
Haha, you are not a bit thick... I ended the discussion accidentally without all the details. Scroll back up. I finished it once I got the first response.
But to answer your questions.
The marriage with my friend ended over the affair with her current husband. But a divide had been drawn in the marriage over not conceiving. We were friends with that in common.... a strained marriage over trying to move on - childless. We just chose to move on in different ways and have never spoken about it seen the break up of her marriage.
But at the end of the day, none of this matters for this one day. I will celebrate a beautiful event with a dear friend. We are thrilled to have been down this road together and now both of us have children. It is a special bond.
Her hubby and I had a nice chat over my concerns and I know all will go very well.
1 person likes this
@someonesmom (5761)
• Canada
21 Oct 08
Thanks for clearing this up for me. I'm very happy to hear that you were able to discuss this with your friend's husband. I'm sure you'll have a wonderful, and very memorable time, once you're there.
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
28 Oct 08
Yes, I'm sure I will. I looking forward to it now...... very much.
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
20 Oct 08
That is a tough one...I would hate to stay at someone's house too with all that going on and not feeling totally comfortable with the whole situation. But if she is your friend she will understand if you don't come....but send a very special gift that she and the baby can cherish.
1 person likes this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
21 Oct 08
I have a very special gift lined up for her and I had gone to some extra efforts to pull it off because I was thinking I would not be able to attend.
After a nice talk with her husband about my concerns, I believe I will attend afterall. The house they live in is rather sprawling.... I will be in practically my own wing. It will be a nice visit with an old friend.
1 person likes this
@mjmlagat (3170)
• Philippines
22 Oct 08
Hi there. All I need to say is to follow whatever you heart tells you, we, women have stronger intuitions than men and I believe most of these intuitions are geared towards positive events. Don't be negative about it but of course take heed. I wish I could tell you more but what you are into is pretty tough. It's all up tp you to decide. You can do it!
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
22 Oct 08
I think your right about women's intuition. I try very hard to listen to mine especially in the tough decisions. Thanks for your input and for the encouragement.
