Is love enough?
By tklich
@tklich (391)
United States
December 8, 2008 10:07am CST
I have been married for less than 2 months yet I have never felt so dinstant from my husband as I do at this very moment. I am 23 and he is 35. He has a daughter and I have a son, and we were both looking for a serious relationship and ready to find the one we wanted to spend the rest of our life with. We'll have been together for two years the first of January. Obviously he has more relationship experience than I do, and he's stressed to me more than once that communication is the number one key to making a relationship last. I totally believe this, but I also know that it takes two to make this work as well. But whenever it comes to him being upset or angry about something, he usually won't come to me to talk about it, he just acts all grumpy and won't hardly speak to me. In return, this makes me not even want to be around him, so I usually just avoid him until he seems to cool off. Well this weekend we had tried planning an outting to the casino's with my friend and her boyfriend, but the plans actually fell thru. So instead, I ended up just going over to her house to hang out. He almost acted a little annoyed when I left, but he never said anything as far as him not wanting me to go. So I went and must have drank more than I realized because around 2am I wasn't feeling well at all. My friend, being the good friend she is, wouldn't let me leave. I ended up falling alseep on her couch and when I woke up she had covered me with a blanket and just let me sleep. It ended up being 4am when I finally got home. The next day my husband hardly said two words to me. He never brought up the night before or anything. I'm so confused now about what he's even mad at me for, or maybe he's expecting me to bring the topic up?? I'm not sure what he's even expecting me to say because he hasn't given me any clue as to what he's even upset about. I had a long discussion about it all with my friend and she says we need to spend more alone time together, without the kids. Are there any men out there that can give me their point of view of this story, and maybe clue me in to what he's feeling and what he may be upset about?? I'd really like to hear what you all have to say. Thanks for the help!!!
7 responses
@jessi0887 (2788)
• United States
8 Dec 08
Its normal for newly weds to struggle in the beginning. You keep wondering if marriage was a mistake. The best thing you can do is sit him down, confront him, and you'll have a talk. My fiance was like him but lately he has worked out the whole sit down and talk thing. We now work out are problems instead of running from them. It has made our relationship stronger.
1 person likes this
@tklich (391)
• United States
8 Dec 08
Thank you so much for the response. It's very reassuring to hear that it is normal to be struggling in the beginning. It scares the heck outta me when things like this happen and I hope that I've made the right choices in my life. We have had very few arguments up until now, but I think there is added pressure on our relationship right now too because he did get laid off from his job a week before the wedding! :( But I know that it will probably be tough when we do have arguments because we are both pretty stubborn people, but I guess if we're both willing to work at it then hopefully we can overcome any road blocks that come along in our life together. I just wish I knew what was going through his head!! I know that if I approach him about this he will put the blame on me, but maybe I just need to get it done with so we can get past this and move on. Thank you for the advice!!
@kedves (728)
•
8 Dec 08
well men don't always like talking about their feelings and maybe sometimes he is disappointed with himself for not being able to be free to talk and to tell you what is wrong. as for the night you were at your friend did you give him the option to join you? did you call him and say you had a little too much to drink to go home safely so he did not worry? did you apologise for being out all night when you returned? in short did you do and say the things that you hope he would do to you if roles were reversed? you are right that it is a two way street were it comes to communication but remember for reasons only known to God that women find it much easier to talk than men so maybe you will have to start the discussions or tactfully enquire whats wrong .. I wish you both well and hope you find a way through this time :)
@tklich (391)
• United States
8 Dec 08
Thank you very much for the response. It's hard for me to get inside his head in order to make sure I do what he would want me to do to keep him satisfied, but I now look back at the actions that were taken that night, and I know I could have handled things differently. I think this happens though because we can both be very stubborn people, so when he gets mad about something and doesn't make any effort to come talk to me about it, that just pushes me away and makes me want to avoid him at all costs. I definitely do regret what I did on Saturday, but I wish he could at least just tell me if he would be interested in coming along. For all I know he would have been bored out of his mind, but I guess it's the invitation that would have mattered to him. I hope that we can get past this dilemma, and I would truly like to make a major change in our social life. My friend told me that it's very important that we spend along time together w/o our kids, and she suggested going out together at least once a month. I would love to make this happen, and even go on outings where the kids can be involved as well. It's hard sometimes though considering the expense of certain activites, but I believe it's a sacrifice worth making in order to keep our relationship healthy. Thank you so much for making me see what actions should have taken place that night.
@kedves (728)
•
8 Dec 08
Hi i hope it goes well for you :) and don't forget you do not have to go out to have an intimate or alone time without the kids :) maybe see if family members can look after them for the evening and then maybe you and your husband can create a meal together and eat it in peace just the two of you :) being in your own surroundings may lighten him enough to open up :) good luck :)
@eynjel05 (444)
• Philippines
9 Dec 08
Theres nothing impossible when it comes to love.If you really love him, then theres nothing wrong of working out for that relationship to last forever. At the end, you'll realized that love is indeed enough.:-)Happy posting! and congratulations!
@tklich (391)
• United States
9 Dec 08
Thank you so much for the response. I am very interested in your thoughts, as most of the others on here have replied that no, love is indeed not enough. You've caused my mind to wander, and now I'm wondering if it just depends who you are talking about and who's love you are considering. Maybe love for two people is indeed enough, but for two different people it's very much so not. Love is such a powerful thing, and I do believe that it could be enough, but just not in every situation. That's the hard part - figuring out if love is enough for your own given situation. Thank you for the insight :)
@lorcute (23)
• Philippines
9 Dec 08
All I can say is you have to talk to him seriously about his attitude .In any relationship communication is very important.You have to be more patient when dealing with men because as I observed most men are like that.Sometimes there sensitive and don't really express what's in their mind,or their feelings.Anyway his your husband.
@tklich (391)
• United States
9 Dec 08
Thank you for the response. I am really going to take this situation I've been in as a learning experience, and will definitely know how to handle any relative situation in the future. I often forget that men and women have a totally different mind set and way of thinking. I guess I just assumed that because he had been stressing communication to me that it wouldn't ever be an issue. One think I learned is to never assume anything. I've also learned that when he's been stressing communication, that he meant for me to do the communicating part because he's not that great at it!! Thank you for the advice :)
@thetis (20)
• Greece
9 Dec 08
Ok...I am not a man but I was recently in your shoes. So...this is my way of thinking. Take love as a safety net. This is the most important element you have. This is the thing that assures you that your efforts wont be in vain. Try to talk with him...there is always the safety net. Accidents do happen but not that bad:) Net is enough!
My opinion? Life is short. Take the initiative and have a conversation. Live your day as it is your last. Probably he is waiting for you to do it. My advice is to spend sometime together without your children. Tell him that you love him and that you want to spend sometime just the two of you, so you can discuss about your difficulties. Two days are enough. The first one to do all the talk...the second for the fun:)
Seems to me, from the way you talk, that you are stable and clear about your feelings. Just have a bad period. I dont think you have any doubts of your relationship. This is why you have the luxury to criticize and try to locate the origin of the problem. Since love was not enough for your case, you wont even bother yourself.
So... go ahead!Wish you the best.. you dont need luck...you have love...
@tklich (391)
• United States
9 Dec 08
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I will definitely take your advice to heart and remember your thoughts in the future. The only time I have ever had any doubts in my relationship with my husband has been when we are going through a rough patch, which isn't very often I might add. It is very understandable to me if I am mad at him that it is only natural to be second guessing my choices of being with him. When I have these thoughts, I also bring to mind what life would be like if things ended between us and we went our separate ways. Of course, I would live. But life would all in all be miserable for quite some time. I have grown so accustomed to our life together that I wouldn't want to live any other way. I can't live life with regrest, never have, so I can't start now. Thank you so much for the advice :)
@fenghua (3)
• China
9 Dec 08
i do'nt know what is love.even thongh i am 20 years old,i always keep myself stay at home to study.
but i think love need mutual trust.why not to try to explain?
anger is not necessary,it is onec somebody was angry,and not to solve,that the relationship becomes worse.
at last,think about you kid.
@tklich (391)
• United States
9 Dec 08
Thank you for the response. I agree in what you say with love needing to have mutual trust and that anger is not necessary. I hate fighting with my husband - if we aren't speaking or are mad at each other, I am miserable. I'm impressed to hear such wise words from someone who has not experienced love before. I wish you much love in your future, and expect that you will find someone that knows how to love just as well as yourself.
@smiley83 (1534)
• Malaysia
9 Dec 08
hey dear,
well, love is not enough in any relationship or in even friendships as well... love should not be considered as the only foundation..it will never build anything stronger... you must have understanding and communication... you guys must talk with each other and discuss things out...ok, he might not like to talk when he is angry or upset, but that doesn't mean neglecting the whole situation... talk with him when he is already cooled down...
smiley,
@tklich (391)
• United States
9 Dec 08
Thank you so much for the response. Just as I suspected, he was cooled off a LOT by yesterday evening. Everyone has their own way of thinking and handling different situations, I guess I just have a hard time understanding how others handle things when they handle it differently then how I would have. I know these things will just take some getting used to and I will have to learn what the best thing to do is in each situation. Thanks for the advice :)
