Need advice, Am I doing the right thing
By Seppy1984
@Seppy1984 (2145)
United States
December 12, 2008 10:55am CST
Ok for starters I am all the time being told by my hubby's family how I should parent and how we should live. I am 24 years old and so is my hubby.They all the time tell me what I shouls and should not buy for my children and always tell me how it should be done. I feel that they should only be there for help when I need it and I feel that I dont need the help. So yesterday we went to go visit his family and I felt belittled by my sister in-law. My hubby and I are in the middle of potty training my youngest and he goes when he wants to and when he does we have this little habit that each time he goes we do a high five or a pound it thing with our nuckles. Well he has got use to having this as his special reward and also I feel when we do that we get that extra bonding time. But that was when my sister in-law said no you should reward him with chocolate or a peice of candy. I told her I don't want to do that because he then will want candy each time he goes. I for one want him to keep his teeth healthy. This is where the big problem comes in at she has no kids. Yet I feel that she is trying to take over my job. I asked my hubby if he could tell his family to back off some and let me do it the way I want and he tells me no I should do it, well what I am afraid of is that I will break down in tears if they get to mean because I am very senstive when it comes to my feelings, but he said he won't do it. Also I am all the time being told by them that my son is to heavy, well my opinion is that he is just the right size. He is almost 3 weighs 40 pounds and is 4 feet high, so there for he is going to be a little heavy because of his hieght. And they are all the time telling me that I need to make sure he eats breakfast,lunch,snack,Dinner,Snack at the same the same time each day, and this is where the problem comes in at he does not always want to eat lunch. But I do give him apple slices or a banana for a snack just in case he does not want lunch. I feel like I am doing a great job but they don't seem to think so. What are your opinions on what is going on here, am I doing things right? Any help here would be very much appreciated. I justfeel we should be the ones to decide on how we want to parent our children.
Happy Mylotting
6 people like this
19 responses
@wahmivy (776)
• Philippines
12 Dec 08
Gosh, I hate it when people try to do that. The thing is, I kind of discouraged it from the very start and I also sort of have a reputation for not taking kindly to being told what to do (something I spread around myself, haha... as an aside while telling a personal anecdote or something, so my inlaws were in a way warned, lol). Anyway, the way I see it, my kid, my call. I listen to what they have to say (and they're always careful to phrase it correctly so it doesn't come out as though they're telling me what to do) and think about it. Some tips or advices I actually appreciate. As for thinly veiled criticism, I ignore what they're saying and pointedly change the subject or get busy with something that totally excludes them. If they openly question a practice I'm following, I snootily start my response with "studies reveal" or "according to experts" (even if I just made it up, hahaha - I'm kidding-ish :D)... Nobody should make you feel like a bad parent, esp when you care so much about how you're raising your kids. From what I've read here, you're doing a fine job. If you're not the confrontational type, I think it's best to not take anything they say to heart. If they're kibitzers, the problem's about THEM and not your parenting style. Have a good one! :)
1 person likes this
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
13 Dec 08
This response put a smile on my face. I will start not letting what they say get to me.
Happy Mylotting
@EvrWonder (3571)
• Canada
11 Jan 09
Sounds to me like you are doing a Great Job!
I understand your reluctance to say anything to your sister in law as I am a sensitive soul also.
If I were you I would be extra chipper when she is around, so to be ready for her barking commands.
When she starts up with how or what you should feed your child, that you are raising [not her] just smile and say "oh no he is ok". Just like that. Keep smiling and go back to minding your child.
If she continues to squabble just say, "Oh he is doing just fine. Tell ya what (keep smiling - helps you keep strong, even when you are shaking in your boots 
) When you have kids you can raise them the way you want".
Does that seem too brass?
I am sorry for you to have to be subject to this sort of scrutiny. It's not right.
I wish that your hubby would support you more.
If at all possible, maybe tell him that you are going to stand up to your sister in law and that you would like him present and to support you.
If it were me, I would start with what I had suggested in the beginning of this response. If after a couple times, she still didn't get it I would just turn to her, stare her in the eye and say look, I am raising my child not you so Back Off!. Don't give them a chance to be mean. If they try to ask them to leave.
You do not have to feel threatened or belittled by anyone, anytime. You are doing a fine job. One that is hard enough without this added stress.
Be strong Seppy. You can do it. Do Not LEt Them keep bossing you around. Take control of the situation and you will feel much better for it in the end.
Hope this helps.
Please accept my friend request.
) When you have kids you can raise them the way you want".
Does that seem too brass?
I am sorry for you to have to be subject to this sort of scrutiny. It's not right.
I wish that your hubby would support you more.
If at all possible, maybe tell him that you are going to stand up to your sister in law and that you would like him present and to support you.
If it were me, I would start with what I had suggested in the beginning of this response. If after a couple times, she still didn't get it I would just turn to her, stare her in the eye and say look, I am raising my child not you so Back Off!. Don't give them a chance to be mean. If they try to ask them to leave.
You do not have to feel threatened or belittled by anyone, anytime. You are doing a fine job. One that is hard enough without this added stress.
Be strong Seppy. You can do it. Do Not LEt Them keep bossing you around. Take control of the situation and you will feel much better for it in the end.
Hope this helps.
Please accept my friend request.
@EvrWonder (3571)
• Canada
13 Jan 09
Hi Seppy, Thank you and Good For You! Stay Strong.
Keep the smile going. It will help eliminate too much steam coming out of the ears when you blast her into her place.
I am so sorry that you are faced with this.
It is such a drag to have to confront know it alls but it has to be done.
She may just learn something useful from it.
So Be It.
Take Care Of You! Cheers.
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
12 Jan 09
I will use that advice next time we all are visiting with each other because it is getting to where she is know just butting into everything that goes on in my family. 
. Just like the other day she thought she would butt into my hubby's and I discussion that was meant fro just me and him, I was so upset so I know that she knew I was upset. I told my hubby that if does not stand up to her next time I will and that I will not be so nice about and that I will tell her to butt out that this is how I like to raise my family and how I want to take care of my hubby and children. But I sure will try your suggestion next time.
Happy Mylotting
. Just like the other day she thought she would butt into my hubby's and I discussion that was meant fro just me and him, I was so upset so I know that she knew I was upset. I told my hubby that if does not stand up to her next time I will and that I will not be so nice about and that I will tell her to butt out that this is how I like to raise my family and how I want to take care of my hubby and children. But I sure will try your suggestion next time.
Happy Mylotting
@deebomb (15304)
• United States
13 Dec 08
After having raised4 kids and 2grandkids it sounds to me like you have a really good handle on how to raise your kids. You are doing the right thing the way your praising and giving your son a high 5 and the other thing when he goes potty. I don't think a child should ever be given tangible rewards for what they do. I think I would spend less time with your in-laws until they get the idea that your raising your children the way you want them to be raised. You do seem to have a big boy for a three year old. My grandson and youngest son was the same way. They are both over 6 foot tall now. I say congratulations on the way you are raising your kids. I bet they turn out great in spite of your in-laws.
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
14 Dec 08
Yes they are great children no matter what my in-laws try to do. It makes me feel much butter getting the praise from some one that is much more experinced then me. thank you so much for your great words.
Happy Mylotting
1 person likes this
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
15 Dec 08
Great idea with saying intresting concept, I will use that next time.
Happy Mylotting
@Little_Stormy (6883)
• United States
12 Dec 08
Reading stuff likes this, makes me realize how blessed I truly am. My in-laws have never butted in with my husband and my decisions concerning our children or anything else.
Your husband needs to set them straight.. once and for all!
(not you) but, him.. since it is HIS family!
He needs to tell them that you both have decided how your children are to be raised, rewarded, and cared for (just like they did concerning THEIR own children) and that if you want their opinion.. you will ask.. otherwise, they need to keep their opinions and helpful tips to themselves.
Good luck :)
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
13 Dec 08
I have asked him many times to say something but he all the time says I don't want them to get mad at me. I have told him that no matter how mad they get at him that they will always be there because they are family.
Happy Mylotting
@Little_Stormy (6883)
• United States
13 Dec 08
Very true! They need correcting! and it really needs to come from him.. If he would just stand up to them once.. I don't think they would hate him, but they might respect him instead.
1 person likes this
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
15 Dec 08
That is why I wish he would stand up to them. Because I have noticed that they have no respect for him but for him being a good person gives them respect.
Happy Mylotting
@lvaldean (1612)
• United States
13 Dec 08
First, I understand why your husband wouldn't want to go at his family alone. Try to do this as a team if possible. If he won't go this route with you then you might have to do the single route, difficult to do but I promise you worth it in the end. Here is the plan:
When SIL suggests a tangible and unhealthy reward (candy) versus the reward that is working; smile politely and explain that she should try her reward system with her future children and you can compare notes. Then explain that your system provides the most well rounded solution of reward, recognition, combined with healthy life-style choices as defined by the American Association of Pediatrics.
When other comment on his weight simply refer them to his most recent medical check-up. Don't explain his diet. Don't defend yourself. Smile, thank them for their concern and express your delight that your child will be eligible for several sports scholarships due to his genetic promise of height.
When the in-laws express other thoughts on how you should be living, smile and nod. Thank them for their input and considerations. Don't defend. Simply tell them that you are living within your means both financially and emotionally. Express your delight with your marriage and your physically and emotionally well rounded children and your joy in the future.
This approach should shut it down over time. You may have to repeat this a few times, I know I did. But after hearing these mantras repeated several times after a while my in-laws stopped with the silliness.
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
14 Dec 08
I so like the advice here, I think it will work so I am going to give it a try. I think after this they might understand that I do apperciate the advice but I just want to do what I feel is best for my children and my hubby.
Perfect answer from my point seeing.
Happy Mylotting
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
11 Feb 09
Thank you Strawberry for all the advice you give me. You are such a great friend here and on P.L.
@kttribal (252)
• United States
11 Jan 09
You are definatly in the right place where your at. candy shouldnt be a reward for potty training. my neice gets a star on a chart and a high five when she goes. she is doing just fine. about the eating once again your on the right track. your not starving your kid so theres nothing to be worried about. you give him something and if he doesnt want to eat it then hes not hungry there is nothing wrong with this most children will tell you at this age when they are hungry anyway.
like what was said in the first response just thank them for there input and keep doing it your way. it is and will work. you have nothing to worry about.
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
11 Jan 09
Thanks for responding, I like the star chart idea that your niece uses I will have to make one of those star charts because my son loves stickers.. It sounds like something will help with the potty training a lot more. Plus you are right about the whole thing about he will let me know when he is hungry and when he is not.
Happy Mylotting
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
13 Dec 08
I think you are probably doing a great job. You really should let his family know that you appreciate their input, but you will raise your child your way. You seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders and you probably know that his family is only trying to help. Another thing you can do is just smile at them and say "I'll think about it".
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
14 Dec 08
I like the whole idea of smiling and and saying I'll think about it.
Happy Mylotting
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
13 Dec 08
Giving a child candy for everytime they do something good, is a bad habit for them and for you. Especially if you would want to stop giving him the candy but he is so spoiled by it that it's harder to get him to eat something healthier. Your sister in law sounds like she just wants to spoil the child, I like your idea of the high five or something like that. My fiance and I do not have a child yet ourselves but we also know the common sense of raising a child. I know how it is to be sensitive and I myself would not want to confront anyone either. I know my fiance is the same way, and I am sure your husband is in a hard spot. It might be better if you could have someone that you and your husband's family know, if it's not your husband yourself, to be with you when you confront them about your feelings towards the way they belittle you.
Good Luck with this situation! I hope that your in laws will understand, I agree that you should be the one's to raise YOUR children, and that whether they be in laws, your own family, or just friends, guidance but not commands should be expressed to you.
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
14 Dec 08
This is such great advice here. I will have to find someone to with me so I can express my feelings.
Happy Mylotting
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
10 Jan 09
You are absolutely doing the right thing and doing fine. Your hubby's family has no right and should butt out immediately. Your hubby should HELP THIS ALONG a bit by standing up for you and telling them not to give you advice any more at ALL. You're not asking for it, they shouldn't be giving it.
When you are the parents, you parent how you want. What anybody else says does not matter. Please try to remember that. It doesn't matter how helpful they think they are being. It doesn't matter if they think they know better. This is YOUR child and therefore it is YOUR decision, and if they insist on trying to overrule you, they need a new hobby, like a pet or more of their own kids.
What does the pediatrician say about your son's height/weight? If he is growing normally and eating fine and there's no concerns from the doctor, what do those people know? Right, nothing! Toddlers and preschoolers eat what their parents give them, and they eat enough. Their tummies are tiny, they are not going to eat anywhere NEAR what most adults eat. Toddlers also will still eat when hungry and stop when full. Think about how many adults are overweight or obese! Many adults just eat and they aren't even hungry! It's a good thing for toddlers to only eat when they are hungry, it helps set them up for healthy eating habits. As long as you make sure the foods available are healthy, don't worry, he will eat. Just consider it might be taken in over a weeks' time, not a day. My daughter who is four will eat more some days, less others, but in a week she is still consistent from week to week.
Trust yourself! You are doing a fine job. You're a good mom. Ignore them. They don't have any right to even make a peep lol!!!!
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
11 Jan 09
Thank you, this makes me feel better and I will defiantly start ignoring them. Well it is good to know that nothing will go wrong if my little boy does not eat a lot on certain days. Yep the doc says he is growing at a normal stage for his height and weight. Your right it is none of their business. Now only if I could get my hubby to stand up for me some that would be great. I have even told him that they are doing stuff like this to his children too. I told him that I did not make them on my own. Although some guys would love to think like that....lol
@general1star (149)
• United States
12 Dec 08
Someone needs to tell them to back off and soon!! This is going to raise a lot of problems in the near future if they are not told soon. If you hold it in until you can't and then blow up at them then that is not going to solve anything. Holding it in and not saying anything as it continues is going to create resentment towards your husband as well because you feel he should step in. If he won't then you should as soon as possible. If you cry then you cry, it's okay at least they know how you feel. Otherwise you will have this huge elephant weighing down the room every time your together and it will continue to grow with silence until everyone is uncomfortable.
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
13 Dec 08
Such a great point here, then I will say something next time we go over there. Because I don't want there to be problems between all of us because of what is always said.
Happy Mylotting
@micke31479 (79)
• United States
13 Dec 08
is far is the wait i would not warrey about it and is fare is inlaws the dont always no whot they are doing and aney that says they take all thier inlaws advice would bee fibing sounds to me you are doing a grate job without trying to sound like thim my advice is somtime you need to let it in one ear and out the outhier
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
13 Dec 08
I should try that and maybe they will get sick of telling me how to do things.
Happy Mylotting
@prinzess1515 (1341)
• United States
12 Dec 08
Are you sure your child is almost 4 feet tall? That is extremely tall. Your husband needs to defend you against his family. He should not allow them to treat you that way and you need to let him know that. He doesn't have to be a jerk about it but he can jokingly say something along the line of them needing to mind their own business.
Since it is his family then it is his job to tell them to butt out. It will only get worse if he doesn't say anything and eventually it will come between you and him.
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
13 Dec 08
Yep almost he is like only about 2-3 inches away. He is so tall because I am 5 feet and 7 inches tall and my hubby is 6 feet and 4 inches. That is what I'm afraid of is that it will get to far. I have even asked him nicely to say something to them but he is scared to.
Thank you and Happy Mylotting
@LuvBr0wn13s (765)
• United States
12 Dec 08
You poor thing! It is hard to have someone constantly throwing their weoll-intentioned advice at you all of the time.It's time for you to pull out a little of that inner strenght where the family is concerned. Your response to their advice should be simply, "Thank you for your concern, but I am going to handle this the way that I se fit.". They will get mad, but they will get over it.
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
13 Dec 08
I will be sure to use your tip next time they do that. Then maybe they will relize that they need to just let me do what I feel is needed for my children.
Thank you for the great advice.
Happy Mylotting
@GAUCI123 (1042)
• Malta
12 Dec 08
You are doing just right, you are the parents and only you have to control your child. I have a small child too and I really hate it when others want to get involved or tell me what to do for her, since she is my child and I want the best for her. when she was born, I remember his parents having an eye on me every time, like saying "dont' do that, give her more milk, don't go out with a small baby etccc. Even my parents started to give me instructions all the time, which was making me feeling so frustrated, where I used to cry all night, I felt that I am not a good parent. I used to tell my husband and he was always stating that they are trying just to help you, however I didn;t want any help, all I wanted was to try to understand my child more, since she was always crying all day.
Well I still have this problem, since I work full time and I am not with her all day. I having also problems with school, since she cannot settle and cries every time she realise that she have to go to school.
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
13 Dec 08
I so wish that his family could understand that and also I feel that they should go on with their lives because they got their chance to raise their children.
Happy Mylotting
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
12 Dec 08
You are doing the right thing, so take a breath and just relax.
First off, your sister in law tells you to give your son candy and then she says he is overweight?? What is that about.
I would just say, thanks for your advice and continue to do what you are doing.
It isn't their place to parent your child.
Your husband doesn't want to say anything because he feels like they will be mad at him. It is hard to put him in the middle.
Grin and bear it is my advice.
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
12 Dec 08
Wow this makes me feel so much better, now that I know I was doing the right thing.I beleive the reason she says to give him candy and then says he's overweight is becuase she is. She eats junfood all the time and is about 75 pounds over weight, but that is none of my buisness. But thank you so much for the releif...
Happy Mylotting
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@vijigopi (991)
• United States
12 Dec 08
I would say that you just don't need to tell them anything for now if you are too sensitive. Just learn to ignore their comments. You know you are doing a good job. If they comment on something, just ignore their comments.. do not say anything if you don't like their ideas. They might get the point soon. You might want to add some comments from your child's doctor about his weight to them some time. Wow! 4 feet before he is even 3. I guess you might have a record there sometime soon. What does your child's doctor think about that?
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
12 Dec 08
I think I will start ignoring their comments. With the whole weight and height part for my son the doc said it is normal for him because I am 5 feet and 7 inches tall and my hubby well he ranks in at 6 feet and 4 inches.
Happy Mylotting
@Sillychick (3275)
• United States
12 Dec 08
Sounds like you are doing a great job. I know it is hard not to let it bother you when people say things about the way you are raising your children. But don't let them make you doubt yourself- you know what is best for your children. I don't understand- they say your son is heavy, but then encourage you to give him candy? That's contradictory and a sign that they are not always right. Just continue to do what you feel is best for your children.
I would ask your husband for a compromise. Ask him to talk to his family with you. You and he are a team and he needs to support you on this. Tell him that you need to tell them because you want to raise your children yourselves, and not the way other people think you should. Hopefully he will be willing to be there and back you up. I know it can be hard.
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
13 Dec 08
This is one thing I think that I will tell my hubby that we should do. Then maybe this way that his family wont get angry because he will be there. Great advice.
Happy Mylotting
@jordan04n (463)
• United States
13 Dec 08
Listen to them intently,thank them for their advice and move on. It is your family's like. Stop worrying what others think and do no allow them to make you unhappy.
@Chocobear (86)
• United States
13 Dec 08
You two are the parents you raise you family the way you feel and what works for you and your household. You can raise your family emulating everything another person says you need to do. So you need to tell these family members in a nice and friendly way to BACK THE HELL OFF!!!! and if I realy need you help I will ask for it!!!
