parents and step parents

Since it is apparent that your son has a bond with his step-dad, which is great. (I assume you in no way influenced this question, or set it up which I believe would have been an error in judgement.) In order to help your son with any confusion, I think that it would be a good idea to explain to him that his step dad is CHOOSING to be a father to him, but that his biological dad should be shown respect. (this also means never bad mouthing his biological dad in front of him.) I would have a conversation with your ex about not wanting there to be confusion, and while he may not like your choice of a man, it really is not his right to make choices for you. I would try not to become emotionally charged in this conversation, would certainly not bring up the lack of visitation (you do not want to encourage more visits if he is going to be difficult) and I would make sure that the ex knew you were refraining from trashing him in front of your son so you would appreciate the same from him about your partner. At 4 it is hard to know just how much to go into, but I at a bare minimum, would explain that his step dad is choosing to love him as a son, and that his dad may have some hurt feelings and say mean things because he is hurt, not because they are true. I would encourage the boy to come to you any time he felt confused about anything anyone said about his dad of birth, or his dad of choice. I would also be very careful when answering him to explain that sometimes people don't tell the truth, but sometimes it is because they do not know the truth, and sometimes it is because they are acting out of a place of hurt.

Tell the "real" daddy to shut his pie-hole!! I would be meaner than that, but I can't say it. I am sorry, I am sort of in the same situation where I have been with my partner for 4 years and my son has seen his "real" dad about 4 times in 6 years-two of them were last year. The last time that my son saw him, he confused him real bad because the guy actually EXPECTED to be called "daddy" and my son doesn't know him like that. But thankfully anything he has to say about my partner it goes to me. But I would just flat out keep telling my son good things about my partner so that when he is old enough he will be able to make up his own mind, and hopefully he will choose the better half!! Besides, he will also notice how "daddy" isn't there and how your partner is...and that is a bigger bonus in a child's eye...it was for me!!!