Are you a pleader, a negotiator, a compromiser or an authoritarian?
By p1kef1sh
@p1kef1sh (45681)
February 4, 2009 10:39am CST
In your relationship how do you decide what gets done? I am intrigued as I read some of the discussions at the number of people who appear to defer to their S/Os. But then I will read another discussion where someone clearly has the upper hand. Most of course just "get things done". But for preference: Is you partner the boss and you have little say in how things are done. Do you negotiate a solution, compromise or is there never a dissenting sound from either of you. Decisions just get made. Or are you firmly in command and s/he had better like it or lump it! I call my wife "The Boss". I think that tells you where I stand, or grovel, in these things. LOL.
13 people like this
39 responses
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
4 Feb 09
I will not plead or beg, so not a pleader.
I do alot of negotiating and I try to compromise, so a little bit of both.
But mostly, as I am a Leo, I'm told I can be quite bossy and dominant alot of the time. So, I guess I am the "Boss", too, well, most of the time.
And the hubby often says as you do, "Well, better ask the Boss", so he must think so too. But he tries to keep me in line, too, unlike my last husband. My last one, I actually left because he was too much of a pushover. Never had any ideas of his own, NEVER made a decision, but still complained about the result later. Pfffft!
1 person likes this
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
4 Feb 09
YAY!!! YIPPPEEEE!!! I got number 13! Purely by chance, AGAIN, this happens alot.
I like it!
*Annie runs around doing the happy dance*
*Annie runs around doing the happy dance*1 person likes this
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
4 Feb 09
SPANKY, SPANKY, SPANKY!!!
I used the short whip, called a 'crop' this time p1key. Did it sting a little.
OOOOOOO, AAAAAAAAHHHHH. What fun!
Now what's that little mark on your bare bottom? Hmmmmm. Have you been letting someone else spank you? Hmpft!!!
*Annie stomps off muttering about "sharing p1key" *
1 person likes this
@dorypanda (1601)
•
4 Feb 09
I'm the boss here and they do as they're told! Actually usually it's only me that knows what's going on anyway, I make sure the bills get paid, I make sure there's food in the house, I make sure our son gets to school and does his homework and has dinner money. I'm the one that keeps the house clean and tidy.
So, that's why I'm the boss. I've told them if they don't like it, they don't have to live here. They haven't gone yet, so I suppose they do like it really. :)
In life in general I do usually try to find a compromise, but usually things get swayed my way anyway, think it's the eyes that do it.
1 person likes this
@dorypanda (1601)
•
4 Feb 09
Yes indeed and my Nanna was exactly the same!
Yup, she does, it doesn't matter how far away you are from her, she knows whether you've done what she's told you to do or not, it's actually quite spooky.
@mtdewgurl74 (18151)
• United States
12 Feb 09
I a bit of all 4 of them..sometimes I do stand up for it if I want something bad enough and it is something small that I want. I don't say like it or lump it but other times I am a pleader,negotiator and a compromiser. but I am mostly a pleader and compromiser in things..
@mtdewgurl74 (18151)
• United States
12 Feb 09
It means to To repeatedly complain about insignificant matters.
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/nag#Verb_2
even though it has also many different meanings from what I just seen..lol
@ahgong (10064)
• Singapore
12 Feb 09
I guess I am in the same position as you.
Most of the time, at home, the wife seems to have a clearer head over things.
And her advise is most of the time right.
So I have no choice but to listen most of the time.
As for which role to play... a pleader, a negotiator, a compromiser or an authoritarian, it will largely depend on the situation.
I sometimes play the different roles at different times to get things going.
@sharra1 (6340)
• Australia
8 Feb 09
Well my partner is the boss, there is no doubt about that but we discuss everything and we do not do anything unless we both completely agree on it. He may be the dominant partner but we are still a partnership and we make any decision as a full partner would.
For example he would never spend our money on something that he knew would upset me. Having said that though I admit that I trust his judgement in all things. That does not mean I do not have doubts but my doubts can often come from lack of knowledge so we talk it through and I learn something new.
So yes he is boss but everything is a joint decision. So I suppose that makes me a negotiator and all negotiation has an element of compromise as two people work to a common ground.
@sharra1 (6340)
• Australia
9 Feb 09
I can understand that but is there anything that affects you that she would decide without consulting you about it? Would she do something that impacts on you that she knew you would not be happy with? I may be wrong but I do not think she would.
I know my partner would never do that. He may be the boss but he cares about my feelings and he would never do something that he knows I would not be happy with. For that matter he talks to me about everything that impacts on me and I have an equal say in the matter. I think that is grounds for a good partnership.
@scorpio19 (1363)
•
4 Feb 09
Hi p1kef1sh,
I wouldn't say I rule the roost but I am very strong willed and will do what I think is right, I'm willing to listen but then do what I want anyways..lol...so no I'm not a follower but most of my relationships have been with strong minded men and it just doesn't work I feel, so for my next relationship (at he mo I'm happy on my own) I'm looking for a meek, mild mannered male, who will allow encourage me rather than compete with me, which is what I have found happened in my previous relationship.
@p1kef1sh (45681)
•
4 Feb 09
You need a good submissive male Scorpio! It's not just naughty stuff you know. LOL. Ahem, sorry, I'll put my serious head back on. I have no doubt that those men exist. It's finding the right one that's difficult. The Boss manages me (along with one or two on here) and I think that you have it right. Encouragement is so important both to give and receive. But in some relationships one partner tends to lead and that suits just fine.
@p1kef1sh (45681)
•
4 Feb 09
I agree. In practice I suspect that in most relationships there is a kind of consensus, but someone has to take ownership of problems and take actions. At work I was the boss. At home, I am quite happy to be lead, although I do of course give my advice if I see an obvious flaw in what is being proposed and there are some issues that are mine alone to deal with. Like getting the car serviced or changing internet provider.
@scorpio19 (1363)
•
4 Feb 09
I 100% agree with you there p1kef1sh (even the submissive male bit..lol) and it is very much about giving and receiving but I have yet to find the one that suits me. It's a balance I feel and in some relationships it does work very well, for there to be the "decision maker" and the other person is very happy for this to happen, I've seen this often in good, solid long lasting relationships, perhaps that's the key to a good relationship.
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
5 Feb 09
Anything to do with day to day issues, I take charge of. I may talk to my hubby if I need anything from him, eitherwise I just do it. Anything to do with bigger and sometimes complicated issues, we talk it over first and my hubby attends to most of it.
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
5 Feb 09
Yes he is. He is currently overseas in the Pacific Islands for a month, so you could say I have to cope and just take charge of everything when he is away.
@steelwater (132)
• Philippines
6 Feb 09
i am a negotiator/compromiser i do not want to impose to somebody else what i want, everyone is a free person, unless ofcourse its an emergency but most of the time in relationships i just sit back and let the partner decide after i tell them what i think about a particular predicament or a situation. i am too tired to argue hehehe
@steelwater (132)
• Philippines
6 Feb 09
yeah you are right relationships are always about compromising if you want it to succeed and become fruitfull
@positiveminded1977 (7072)
• India
5 Feb 09
Hmm...I think I am an authoritarian and getting more and more "hatchet-like" as the days pass. That's why men don't like me, and I can't get "soft" just to please them. LOL!!
Cheers and happy Mylotting
@sharra1 (6340)
• Australia
8 Feb 09
I used to be the compromiser at work until I realised that the management only understood a firm hand so I got tough with them. At home things are different. Before I met my partner I was sharing a house with my brother and since he could not make a decision to save his life I was the boss who talked him into things. I tried to negotiate but he would dither.
Now I have a dominant partner and we negotiate everything. He is the boss but everything we do is based on a shared decision. We think so similarly on so many issues that there is not need to compromise as such and although he is the boss he does not see any point in making a decision he knows I would not be happy with. So we discuss everything and come to a decision but he is in charge of all the finances so he is in charge of all that stuff and he does most of the cooking so he is also in charge of setting the menu for the fortnight.
@DonnaLawson (4032)
• United States
4 Feb 09
I am marrried to a groveler also, ot at least he had better be.. I let him be the boss on occasion, but the most of the time, I am the "Boss".. It has been this way for over 40 years and "If it ain't broke, don't fix it".. I am not bossy but I am the Boss.. He will tell you the same thing.. We have been together for so long and we think alike so much of the time that we agree on most things without having to have a boss, but when we do have to have one, I am it.. According to him, I am a "Boss with Perks", so you can tell that he is happy and doesn't mind having me for a boss..
@p1kef1sh (45681)
•
5 Feb 09
LOL. Reminds me of a story about Groucho Marx who was something of a gardener in his spare time apparently. One day he was working in the garden when a rather grand lady called out to him. "Do you maintain this garden. You do a good job. Tell me, how much are you paid. I will double it if you come and work for me". Groucho replied "I do the garden and I don't get paid for it. However, the lady of the house does let me sleep with her"!!!
1 person likes this
@DonnaLawson (4032)
• United States
5 Feb 09
Groucho was a very funny man, wasn't he?? So much funnier than today's comedians and so dirty in such a clean way.. My husband has had a few Groucho moments in his life also..
@angelwithkids (1256)
• United States
5 Feb 09
for the most part, i'm in charge. i'm the one that gets up before he does (to make sure that he gets up). i make sure the kids are up for school and out the door in time for school. if i don't get all the housechores done, i make sure the kids get it done after they're done with their homework. when it comes to the bills, we both sit down and go over all the incomes and outcomes, so we both know what has to be paid, what can get paid, and there's no surprises. when it comes to everything else, either i take care of it or i have my kids do it. he has been known to step up and take care of business if i'm ill or at work.
@angelwithkids (1256)
• United States
5 Feb 09
i have another 5 years to go and both kids will be out of house (fingers crossed) we'll have to reevaluate how to run the house. if i'm lucky to keep one of my jobs that long, i refuse to do all the work and not be able to enjoy the play time.
@newuser_99 (377)
• Nepal
5 Feb 09
hi p1kef1sh,nice topic,if you say about job,boss decision are mostly right,in home if you are married,home decision is good to leave to your wife,on money decision or investing selfdecision is best.
If you are self boss and want to decide with fellow or other negotiation or authoritarian can happen.
If you have little say in how things are done,good to listen of her and tell your opinion if she will not run over you.
@Chocobear (86)
• United States
5 Feb 09
Most of the time I'm the authoritarian... especially with it comes to buying clothes, music, computer/tech gadgets and stuff. Other wise we will discuss and come to an agreement.
@Chocobear (86)
• United States
5 Feb 09
No not really having control, on the important stuff we discuss and then we come to an agreement... I don't always get what I want, she doesn't always get what she wants...
@greeneyedlady (1439)
• Netherlands
9 Feb 09
Hi P1kefish!
Your wife is probably "The Boss" because she has more sense than you do!! (Just kidding...really)!!
In my relationship I think it is pretty much a 50/50 but if we are really on opposite sides of the fence then we find it better to sit down and talk about why I think my way is better and why Hubby's way is better and I guarantee you by the end of the conversation we have worked something out.
Maybe one of us changes their mind and agrees with the other one or maybe we find a way to incorporate both ideas into one and come up with something better all together! ;)
@greeneyedlady (1439)
• Netherlands
10 Feb 09
I'll tell you what I've told my Hubby many times:
"You are a Very Smart Man"!!
And with you knowing that she is "The Boss" I foresee that you will have a very loooong marriage! :D
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
4 Feb 09
I negotiate the right to plead my cause for authority and then I compromise.
Hey, it works for me! LOL
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
4 Feb 09
It's a reminder that authority can burn!LOL
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Feb 09
Well "the boss" tells me I get everything my way and who am I to dispute that?
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Feb 09
Oh sure, you can't scrub dishes from down there!
@GreenMoo (11834)
•
6 Feb 09
Our domestic life is divided into two spheres, however unfashionable that may be in these times. I'm in charge of meals, laundry, animals, children, money, guests etc. He's in charge of power tools, scary spiders, late night dog walking and other 'manly' activities. When things in his sphere aren't getting done, I make my presence felt. Otherwise we bumble along pretty well. It was never intended to be like this, but when you've a small child at home you end up doing the things that are to hand. And if I'm honest, I wouldn't know where to start if we swapped tomorrow.
So I'm not really sure which of your categories that makes me! Neither of us plead, we rarely negotiate as we each have areas of autonomy, compromise isn't really necessary for the same reasons, and neither of us is authoritarian. I suppose negotiation is the one of the above choices we do most often, so I'll plump for that.
@thebohemianheart (8827)
• United States
4 Feb 09
We usually come to a decision together..........after I have sat him down and told him that this is the decision we are making.*L*
@camomom (7535)
• United States
4 Feb 09
I think it depends on the situation. I usually strongly suggest things and hope it goes my way. A lot of the time it does. Sometimes we do things his way and it doesn't work out so I get the upper hand with the "I told you so". We usually try to agree on things though.
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
6 Feb 09
i am a compromiser! when decisions are made it has to be a compromise of what he wants and what i want so both parties are happy with it not matter what the result...
