Trusting your child

United States
February 20, 2009 9:22pm CST
I have a question for other moms. Please, keep in mind, I am a first time mom and I am asking your opinions for guidance... At what age is it appropriate to trust your child to make decisions based on what you've taught them? When is it okay to put faith in the fact that they will make the right decision? This may be WAY premature, but it's already coming up in my house... My son is 3 1/2 this weekend. My question is based on simple things like letting him take crayons into his room... NOT on leaving him unattended with a fire blazing in the hearth. Or perhaps leaving him in the living room with Cheerios and Diego, while I try to get a few things done in my office.... One thing that is forever evident in my house, is that my son knows which room I am in at any given time during the day, and he's always been allowed to come with me... Or not... but that in itself is the question... If I say, "I have to go into my office for a little bit..." and he says, "want to stay here..." Do I let him? If he's all set up for watching Diego or whatever, and he has his Cheerios and his Milk, and I know I'll be able to bang out 10 things in 30 minutes, .... CAN I leave him? So far, the general rule has been he has to be on the same floor as me...but my office is on the second floor, while our LR is on the first... and he's striving for more independence and wants to watch tv 'where the big people do' ... Thoughts???
3 people like this
6 responses
Jae2619
@Jae2619 (1483)
• United States
21 Feb 09
If he can travel up the steps with no issue then I would let him stay in the living room while your working. He's old enough to know to yell for you if he needs something. Enjoy a little quiet time while working, while he's enjoyinig his newly found independence. The first few times that you do this, you may wanna check on him just to make sure he don't need anything or so, and to ease your nerves but you both will be just fine!
Raven7317
@Raven7317 (691)
• United States
21 Feb 09
I agree, he is old enough to yell for me and I tell him all the time, "If you need anything, let mommy know." I already know that he can't be trusted with a few things... like pens and my school books - it's just too tempting to him - I can't tell you how many 'pictures' I have in my notebooks! Thanks for the response!
Jae2619
@Jae2619 (1483)
• United States
22 Feb 09
Heck, my 6 year old can't be trusted with scissors. He decided that his sheets on his bed needed breathing holes in them so his matteress could breath... Where do they come up this crap? lol.. My 18 month old daughter is a little artist, but on walls.
TLChimes
@TLChimes (4822)
• United States
21 Feb 09
Can he handle the stairs safely? If so then he should be fine. Leave the office door open and tv low. Make sure the doors are locked and check on him until YOU feel ok with it. You can train him to make good choices in other areas right now. Give him simple little choices to make that you like which ever he picks. Like "do you want the red shirt today or the blue?" and " apples for snack or grapes"Then teach him to think about things that are a little harder by saying things like "It's raining out... should we wear our boots or our sandals" (just for example) If he chooses the wrong thing say something like " well won't our feet get cold and wet in the sandals?" Help him think it through. Like a game not like a quiz. If you do it right he'll never know he's learning and he'll look at it as a fun thing mom does with me. You will trust him more if you know you've taught him what he needs to know. Don't answer the door, that's mom or dad's job. Don't answer the phone unless we tell you to. That kind of thing. I hope you can make use of some of this. Good luck!
Raven7317
@Raven7317 (691)
• United States
21 Feb 09
Thank you, I feel better already... See, I DO all the things that you suggest, but am constantly battling DH over the issue... He says I am too complacent with our son... I say that I trust him to make the right decisions based on what I have taught him.... I never leave him unattended for long periods of time... I have developed the skill of recognizing the sounds of what he's doing out of eyesight... Yes, he handles the stairs, I always leave the doors open so he can enter any room I'm in... All doors are locked and have those squeeze cup protective things over them... I feel okay with leaving him for 10/15 minutes, as long as I can hear him...
1 person likes this
TLChimes
@TLChimes (4822)
• United States
21 Feb 09
Sounds to me, like you'll both be fine. You keep doing those great things that you're doing!
celticeagle
@celticeagle (168256)
• Boise, Idaho
21 Feb 09
You need to give them freedom. Let them fall sometimes and hurt themselves. Not badly but so they aren't whimpy. If you truly love a child it is best to give them freedom as early as you can so that later in life they will be accustomed to it and they will be less apt to fail.
Zhu Huifen
@zhuhuifen46 (3483)
• China
21 Feb 09
I believe trusting your child is one of the ways to exert positive impact on the child, which means a lot for healthy development. When my son went to a boarding school at the age of 15, I gave him monthly pocket money, while most kids are given by week. I have trust in him, and he learned to organize his spending for meals, for traffic, and for fun, in the process. Very often he could save some for contingency purposes. By time, he became a person with good sense of responsibility and rare nowadays with good FQ.
Raven7317
@Raven7317 (691)
• United States
21 Feb 09
Thank you, perfectly said... I too believe showing children that you trust them is important... I just wish DH would see it that way too. I know there's so many years left to worry about trusting that he'll make the right decisions... right now I worry about whether he can be trusted not to use his crayons on the walls or not to shove checkers into the baseboards.... LOL
Anora_Eldorath
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
• United States
21 Feb 09
I would say that if he can navigate the stairs then you have no real issue. If you feel there is a safety issue you could consider moving your office until he's old enough to safely traverse the house. I keep my office area in our living room so there isn't a distance between what I'm doing and what the children are doing. However, my 2 1/2 year loves to go play in his bedroom and I let him. Sure, it may mean checking on him, and being ok with the messes he will make by pulling everything out. Namaste-Anora
Raven7317
@Raven7317 (691)
• United States
21 Feb 09
OH YEAH... I've encountered the result of leaving him alone... with tons of good stuff to play with... or pull out... or spread around... Usually, if he's not happy that I'm working, I get the 'EVERY bin, EVERY book, EVERY puzzle, EVERY THING that he has, is dumped on the floor... LOL But seriously, every safety thing I can think of, we've done... so is it time to JUST TRUST HIM???? I think so, but DH doesn't... Was just wanting other mom's point of view... Thank you, Anora!
tyrice
@tyrice (10)
• United States
21 Feb 09
Hello, when the time is ready, you will just know if you can trust your child. (only when the time is ready, you will know). However, as a precaution, try simple things first to see if you can handle the way he or she (your child) reacts to it.