Can u tolerate adultery?
By keep_onwatch
@keep_onwatch (2680)
India
February 25, 2009 12:10am CST
Hi to all, its been a long time that I've been to my lot. I know that this question has been asked many times, and answered many times, but I needed some suggestion from you guys. My husband has committed adultery and accepted it. He says that he is very regretful for what he has done, and is asking me to forgive him. I am still not able to digest the fact that he cheated on me, and I cant consider forgiveness. Am I wrong to think that way, should I be thinking any other way, and give him a chance?
11 people like this
32 responses
@Polly1 (12645)
• United States
25 Feb 09
I am so sorry for you. Personally I don't think I could tolerate cheating, but then I have never been in that position to really know if I could forgive. I do know some people who have stayed together after someone cheated, its a rocky relationship. I know some other people who had issues way back with cheating too, they have learned to forgive and trust again. Its something that only you can decide. Pray about it, do some soul searching, is your relationship important enough to work on, do you think that you will be able to trust again. Take care, I hope it all works out for you. I am a very forgiving person, Jesus wants us to forgive.
1 person likes this
@keep_onwatch (2680)
• India
1 Mar 09
Yup, may b the Christian way...i do wanna forgive...but being a human, its highly not possible for me to go on and do that....
@SangsTurks (1444)
• India
25 Feb 09
Just ask your husband , if you had broken his trust...if you had committed adultery would he have forgiven you???? Committing adultery is done by choice, nobody can force you do something if you dont want to do it. You cannot just fall prey and then come back and say sorry i did it!! if you get weak in the knees and do something that you regret later , that is yor fault and nobody else is responsible. See your option and decide as it is your life that depends upon your decision.
@keep_onwatch (2680)
• India
25 Feb 09
Yeah....i just asked the same question...and all he has to say is..."im asking you to forgive me, not question me" he never gives an answer to that question.
@proudmammabear (556)
• Canada
26 Feb 09
if that is his response, I would feel confident in saying there is nothing to work out, because that shows he wants the forgiveness, but that he is not really sorry. If he were really sorry my dear, he would answer ANY question, he would move ANY mountain for you, ANYTHING he had to do to PROVE to you that he realized it was a huge mistake and would NEVER happen ever again. Seems to me he will cheat again, only this time he will get better at it, so he won't have to "beg" your forgiveness!!
@vipulchawla (2220)
• India
28 Feb 09
First of all, I dont know whether a guy is supposed to reply to this discussion or not, because it may turn against me. But if i would have to step in the shoes of ur husband, which ofcourse i wont like to, I dont understand y he came back to u again and again. Is it because the other lady has left him now?
That is making me curious to know the reason behind it.
About you dear, U hold the right to take your own decision. People can give their own advice, but belive me, its hard for other people, especially me to understand ur situation and could hardly imagine undergoing the same. You may have to turn up strong in taking a decision. You may not be wrong in taking that decision, but then do consider the consequences before taking such a huge step.
Personally speaking, he may not deserve to get another chance and as i went thru ur responses, u seem to be determined to go against him.
Anyway, I will be curious to know. and Will be witing to hear from u..
@vipulchawla (2220)
• India
2 Mar 09
Its really pleasant to get to hear from you and that too after a long time. i am doing good. Work is going fine. Handling many more responsibilities now, so that keeps me a little away from mylot. So, let me know if we could talk online sometime, it would be better.
I even went for a trip to Vizag in the month of Jan. Have my pics uploaded at Orkut. And i am planning to visit home by the end of this month.. So i am lil scheduled up.. ha ha
@keep_onwatch (2680)
• India
1 Mar 09
Thanx 4 ur response.Yup, may b , coz that other woman has left the city. But i am not the forgiving type anyways. Well its been long since i have heard from you. How are you doing?? howz work going? Take care.....
1 person likes this
@rockydam83 (846)
• Italy
27 Feb 09
Being a male my honest advice for you to forgive him but keep a strict eye on his affairs for future and if he repeats this again just leave him without saying or listening anything. We males really attracted to every beautiful female but the fact matter is that how one stays sincere to his partner or how one cheats her and go for others as well. As you mentioned he himself accepted that affair in front of you, you was unable to trace it or catch him or you was not known about this fact. If he wann enjoy that affair he was free to do so but i think after doing this he feel bad for himself to cheat you and this thing really shows his love a sincerity to you. I think he is not one of that ind guys who always cheat her partner her is a good and loving partner.
Life is not a bed of roses here and its soo difficult to find one who loves you but as i told you you need to check his future matters without knowing him that you are doing so. If something wrong is done once this is a mistake and specially when the person feels bad and asking for forgiveness but my dear if he repeats it again and again then he a father of cheaters who is just ruining your life and future. This kind cheating could never be forgiven.
@keep_onwatch (2680)
• India
1 Mar 09
Hmm...i guess so, that if he didn't tell me, i couldn't have known about it, but the fact is he isnt making any efforts, to make me relived from the pain.
@rockydam83 (846)
• Italy
2 Mar 09
I think you should give him a chance but as i mentioned earlier the last chance no more mistakes.
@taface412 (3175)
• United States
27 Feb 09
I honestly cannot tell you one way or the other about whether you are wrong, because I've never been in the situation, but I know how I act and feel. I cannot tolerate this because I cannot understand why people would rather lie, cheat and break others hearts and not face facts before hand. I think of cheaters as cowards becuase of this. And I think because I cannot wrap my mind around any of the "cheat" excuses is why I know I would tolerate it. Forgiving someone is completely different from accepting it.
Plus, as my momma says "When in doubt throw it out." Of course she was referring to expired goods in the fridge but I think it applies here as well.
@keep_onwatch (2680)
• India
1 Mar 09
Yeah, i guess it sure does. That was a good post, it made my heart a little lighter, than you guys....
@SusanLee (1920)
• United States
25 Feb 09
You have been betrayed, and the betrayal of adultery goes straight through the bone, heart, and into our soul.
We can't always forgive, we may want too, to put it behind us, but it isn't always as simple as that.
We may want to forgive, if for no reason other than to get away from the gut wrenching pain we're feeling.
I think what you need to do is allow yourself to just feel what you're feeling, the pain is unbearable, but it won't kill you even though you may think it will. If you have to jump up and down, scream and cry your head off, tell him off (if he really wants your forgiveness, he'll allow you to do what you need to do to get past all this)throw a few things, then do it.
Vent, Vent, Vent....when you've exhausted yourself and got all that pain and anger out, then see how you feel about things. Give yourself time. No one should be putting pressure on you to make any decisions, especially him.
And above all don't let him put conditions on anything like, 'well it's been a month, can't things go back to the way they were?'
People who betray the trust of others in that manner are usually pretty selfish, they want what they want and then when the get caught, they want their comfort zone back. Or in other words, they 'want their cake and eat it too'
How exactly did you find out about this? Did he come to you out of the blue and tell you what he had done? Did he think you were onto him and fessed-up? Or did you suspect something and asked him? Maybe you caught him? Those are things to be considered too.
I hope you're able to get past this quickly so you can enjoy life.
I can relate, I was married 19 years to a man to a that cheated.
@keep_onwatch (2680)
• India
1 Mar 09
Wow! Thank you so much for your advice, it really made sense and cleared my head on this. I knew i would get gud advice from you guys....i am still unable to make a firm decision, but i definetly made up my mind. I will keep you posted. Thanx again!!
@SusanLee (1920)
• United States
25 Feb 09
I didn't read the other comments as thoroughly as I should have. If I had I would have seen where you responded that he has done this over and over again with the same woman, and then had the gall to tell you to forgive him; not question him.
Honey, kick his sorry a s s to the curb! This is not a person who is sorry for his behavior, he is not repentant. At the very most he may be sorry that you may actually inconvenience him with a divorce.
He is sorry about how this is going to affect him, not you. He may say he cares, and that he loves you. But even a dog knows when it's being mistreated and abused by its owner.
Let me tell you something that I know from experience, if you stay, he is not going to change, he doesn't have too, he doesn't love you. When you love a person, I mean really love a person you do not choose to do things that will crush and destroy their hearts. And practice that behavior over and over again. He does not have a healthy emotional investment in you or your marriage.
If you stay, he will continue to practice this behavior because he can. And you will slowly be conditioned to believe you are the one with the problem. This will come on so gradual you wont even notice it. As the years go by you will be amazed at how your mind will start to work against you.
You will start to feel like the problem is with you and not the position he is putting you in. 'If I could just forgive him he will stop seeing this other woman' 'The reason he's still running around is because I won't let the past things he's done alone' It'll end up being your fault that he's a cheat and not his.
You can't change him, you can't make him love you the right way, you can't make him be faithful to you and your vows. It isn't in him. You can't grasp hold of something that isn't there.
Get out while you're young and have so many wonderful years ahead of you.
And remember this if you remember nothing else.
JUST BECAUSE YOU FORGIVE A PERSON DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM.
Forgiveness is for the person who has been transgressed against. Forgiveness brings peace and joy to the person who has been faulted. It rarely does anything to or for the person that caused the agony.
You'll come a lot closer to forgiving him once you do something for yourself, get away from him. He is what he is and that's the end of that.
People may throw the bible up in your face, forgive 70 times 70...That doesn't mean you have to wallow in the slop they are offering you.
God knew how bad adultery would affect people, good grief, he even went so far as to say you could be justifiably divorced because of it.
Just because you forgive him doesn't mean you have to stay married to his sorry butt and spend the rest of your life wondering what he's doing when he doesn't come home on time. Besides, chances are that as long as you're in a relationship with him you may never be able to forgive him. You may actually have to get out to forgive him.
If you're looking for permission to get out of this marriage, you've got. Even the bible says you do.
God bless you honey and keep us informed.
I'm so wound up about this I'd like to smack his face on behalf of wives everywhere that have had to endure this crap.
1 person likes this
@rogue13xmen13 (14403)
• United States
25 Feb 09
Honestly, if my boyfriend were cheating on me, I could forgive him once, but if he constantly did that to me, then I would leave him because I am not going to tolerate that.
@rogue13xmen13 (14403)
• United States
25 Feb 09
Again, if he did it more than once, I would leave. I would not put up with that because you deserve better than that.
@keep_onwatch (2680)
• India
25 Feb 09
Well, I donno...coz he has not done that just once, but done that like 3-4 times, before admitting it...i mean once can be a mistake or a weak moment, but twice, thrice, four times.....well i cant say. And all he has to say is...i have done that, but now that i am confessing, i wnt repeat.
1 person likes this
@ronaldinu (12422)
• Malta
1 Mar 09
If I were instead of you I would have a good chat with him. I would try to discover what made him seek other woman. Try to provide a better home environment for your husband when he returns back from work. Try to understand him better. Ihope that your relationship will work out. Adultery is a gross thing but with the help of god and good will yes even this thing can be overcame.
@xianxian54 (146)
• China
19 Apr 09
we share the same thoughts, the basic is to know what is the reason he was doing that several times, if you know the reason, you know the answer.
@dalyme3 (88)
• Philippines
26 Feb 09
Everybody's right! Do not encourage a repeat offender, let him go since clearly he is not happy with the relationship anymore. If he was he would have had only you and no one else. For you, there is someone better. I have a very close friend who went through that ordeal, He went through hell just to forgive his wife but the wife I think was not happy anymore so they both separated but remained friends since they have a daughter already though it was very uneasy. They are friends without the benefits, just friends. That's it.
@keep_onwatch (2680)
• India
1 Mar 09
thats nice, but i donno if i can be frendz wid him, it feels like i hate him. And he is very persistent and isnt even considering the option of splitting.
@Tianna2 (1273)
• United States
26 Feb 09
I'm sorry that he did this to you, I have a pretty good idea what you are going through. He cheated on you, regretful or not he betrayed your trust. Ask your self this, from this day on are you ever going to be able to trust him again? I know if it was me I would question myself everytime he walks out the door. Wheather or not he's ever going to do it again, he needs to see how seriously wrong what he did is, as for me, he would never get a chance to do it to me again. Let him prove himself elsewhere.
Hugs, Tianna
@keep_onwatch (2680)
• India
1 Mar 09
Thank you so much for your reply. You are absolutely right, i cant trust him any more.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
26 Feb 09
That's a tough one friend. There are two side to this. He has done the biggest betrayl of trust imaginable on alot of different levels. The thing you need to ask yourself is if he is really sincere and is never going to do it again...can you trust him? Can you let him walk out that door and not wonder. If you can't then it's not fair to yourself or him. Even if he is sincere..is he willing to understand when you doubt him? Even if he's not cheating again will he be considerate to you when you think he is anyway? It can either make your marriage stronger or end it.Forgiveness is not so much the option as far as I'm concerned..it will never be forgiven..but can you let it go and move on? Is he sincere? Good luck with this and I hate you have to deal with this.
@keep_onwatch (2680)
• India
1 Mar 09
Thank you all for your advice, i really appreciate it. What you've made a point here is the matter of concern, i can never trust him.But i am not rushing into any conclusions, as of yet.
@forslahiri (1042)
• India
25 Feb 09
Hi,
I know U R not God,only a Human!
But think of a man(whom U Love)has committed something...but accepting,asking mercy...will u not be Human to give him a chance.
Forgive him...Ur RESPECT in his eyes will increase.He will Love U more ...SURE!
=Lahiri,Kolkata,India.
@NuttyMomma (901)
• United States
25 Feb 09
he has done this more than once with the same woman? why does he keep coming back to you??? once, i would try and forgive. this is something that he keeps doing. why would he stop? you deserve someone who is devoted to you only and respects you enough to not stray. forgive him for yourself but move on!! leave him to her.
@someday2return (21)
• United States
26 Feb 09
Depends on how he is treating you. Now that he is at fault he should be more humble and accepting of your feelings b/c of something he did. When you ask him questions, he does NOT get to give you answers that shows that he's just frustrated at YOU. I think that if you still do believe that he really does understand that he did wrong to you and will not do it again, it's worth another try. Forgive, but never forget. One thing that ruins the marriage is that b/c you are still hurt you will be using it against him and say things out of pain but you have to take a step back and ask yourself if it's really needed, or can you approach it in a better way. He has the obligation to help you heel. If he needs to, he needs to be like how it was when you first started and court you all over again. Good luck to you!
@keep_onwatch (2680)
• India
1 Mar 09
Well i agree, but he is not trying too hard in making a difference, except persistently begging me to forgive him.
@kquiming (2997)
• Philippines
1 Mar 09
I can't tolerate adultery myself. I don't know how easily one can forgive that. If I ever do forgive my partner for cheating, it will take a long time before that happens. I probably need to heal myself first, and test the waters if he's really, sincerely sorry and regretful of what he's done. And what guarantees can he give me that he's never going to do it again? But you be the judge - whether or not this man deserved your forgiveness or not. He has to win your respect back and be patient for waiting your answer.
@keep_onwatch (2680)
• India
2 Mar 09
Yeah...he has to b patient, but i guess thats not how he is...he is more like its happened so forget.....
@redyellowblackdog (10629)
• United States
25 Feb 09
My intial thought was you could set down some pretty hard rules for him to follow in order to get back into your good graces. Now, reading the other responses I see this is not the first time.
I would not recommend taking back or forgiving a repeat offender. Tell him he can have the other women, you are done with him.
@keep_onwatch (2680)
• India
1 Mar 09
Well he doesn't have any other woman now...so even if i am asking him to go his way...he is persistent. Thanx 4 ur advice
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
21 Mar 09
This has nothing to do with your thoughts, it is more about your feelings. If you feel that you can't forgive him, then tell him to go.You must do what is right for you, nnot what eanyone else wants you to do.Whatever you deside will be the right thing for you. take Care.
@xianxian54 (146)
• China
19 Apr 09
i think the most important thing is to ask yourself if you still love him. check if he really relised what he did hurts very much, and you are suffering. If he really realised he did is a big mistake and what he did cannot be forgotten, i think you should give your marriage a try. But now stop thinking, give you a break, maybe the solution will come to you.
@quinnkl (1667)
• United States
4 Mar 09
Sorry, I can't. I have never wanted to be married. I was married at one time and the two things I said up front that I would NOT tolerate were adultery and abuse (physical and/or verbal). I am no longer married as he had major anger and responsibility issues. But that said, I think it depends on the people involved and the circumstances. It will be totally up to you as to what you do in this situation. Only you can know if the trust is completely gone. I have known couples who came through this and never had further problems throughout long marriages. It is not something I could forgive, simply because I am upfront about honesty and that is a major betrayal of trust for me.
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
1 Mar 09
The thought of adultery committed by your husband is very painful at the start but if you truly love him you can consider forgiving him still.Time heals wounds of the heart.Giving him the second chance can even pave the way to a happy future if both of you are sincere in asking and giving forgiveness.
@mrsl2008 (634)
•
25 Feb 09
I'm really sorry to hear your going through this x
I don't think your wrong to think the way you are as you will go through many emotions before you make a decision on your future with your husband. I had a long term relationship with a man who I found out was cheating on me for sometime with his ex wife.
The only saving grace for me was that the relationship had already run it's course for me before I found out so it was easy to walk away, however I am now married to someone else.
If I found out my husband was/had been cheating I'm not sure if I could forgive him but I couldn't say for sure as I got married to be married for the rest of my life and may feel differently if ever in that position.
I would suggest you take some time for yourself, let all the emotions go through their cycle. Then think about what you want from your husband and if you could make it work x The fact that your upset suggests you love your husband and want to make it work but only do it if you really want to.
Take your time and don't rush into any decisions. I don't condone his behaviour, I think it's awful but only you can decide to give him another chance x
I wish you the best of luck x x
MrsL x
@keep_onwatch (2680)
• India
1 Mar 09
Thank you so much for being with me. I really appreciate your response. I am not rushing into things, but on the other hand, i am not considering him either.
