Do you like your children??
By rmorefield
@rmorefield (941)
United States
February 28, 2009 10:02am CST
I feel like the world's worst parent. My children and I have been back living with my parents for a while now. My parents have totally spoiled them rotten. (My daughter is 12 and my son is 8). I can no longer handle them. Whenever I tell them to do something, my children immediately run to my parents, who take up for them. Problem is, when my parents can't get them to do something, I am asked to come in and enforce the rules. Does this work? Of course not. My children are out of control, and I don't know what to do about it. And as much as I love them, I don't want to be around them. I don't want to be seen in public with them. I don't want anyone to know that they are mine. I love them, but I don't like them at all. What should I do? I can't beat them, although both of them are in really bad need of a good spanking. (I don't think either of them have ever had one) I can't ground them, because it doesn't matter to them. HELP!!
2 people like this
12 responses
@whitty998 (18)
• Canada
28 Feb 09
i have a daughter who is geting ready to turn 11(going on 30) and a son who is going to be 10. my daughter 9who is the oldest of my 3 kids) has a really bad aditude problem. it doesnt not come out all of the time, or even most of the time. but when one of her friends upsets her, then she takes it out on everyone that is around her. the thing that i have the works with all of my kids, is to fine the most important thing to them. wether it is the tv, a game system. the computer, or what ever it is and take it way from them for a while. make the grounding more sever than what is deserved. like when my daughter gets grounded, i make her tv get shut off at a sertion time(then she cant watch her wrestling which she loves) and i do it for like 2 wk. the thing is, if she does extra chores, and shows me the respect that me and her step father deserves then i take some time off of her grounding. so she may only be grounded for a few days instead of the two weeks.
this shows them that good behavior is rewarded and bad behavior deserves punishment.
something that you are going to have to do is sit down with your parents at a time when the children are not around. you are going to have to come to some sort of agreement on how the kids are going to be raised as to what the rules are going to be and how the punishmetn is going to be laid down. when you punish your kids then they need to stand behind you. and if they have a dissagreement with what you say then they need to talk to you about it, when the children are not around.
they kids need to see that all three of you are a joint force, and will behave as so.
1 person likes this
@rmorefield (941)
• United States
2 Mar 09
It sounds like your kids are at the same stage as mine. My daughter acts the same way. Except, she doesn't have to be angry to show no respect. She doesn't show any respect to anyone ever. I really do love my kids. I'm just at a loss as to what to do with them. All of this started about a year ago when my youngest daughter was born. It got worse when my oldest started middle school. And now it has escalated into this. The worst part about the whole situation is that I am due to have yet another baby in about 3 weeks. (The Depo shot didn't work). I'm scared it is going to get even worse, if that is possible. Maybe the oldest 2 are jealous. I know that my dad and I are a big issue. My mom, not so much. But my dad refuses to except the fact that I am not the same 17-year-old that moved out of his house 13 years ago. I am now a grown woman with 3 children of my own to take care of. I have tried my best to sit him down and talk to him. I've even enlisted the help of my mother. It does no good. He still treats and talks to me as a child. And then he overrules absolutely everything I say when it comes to my children. I know I don't handle things like he does. I am not him. We have 2 totally different parenting styles. The only thing I can think of is move us out of here as quickly as possible. I'm working on that. I found 2 houses today that I'm thinking about putting in offers on.
@whitty998 (18)
• Canada
2 Mar 09
i think getting out of there would be the best choice for you family. if you dad is not going to back you up, where your rules apply to your children. i am sure that if it was one of his parents doing this to his children(you when you were younger) he would be haveing a fit. when you are able to move into your own home, you need to let your dad know that you do love him, it is just that you have two different parenting ways. and your way is going to have to be the way that it is with your children.
also you said that the two oldest may have these jeoulosy over the baby and even the new baby that you are going to have, right? that could be another issue. i know when i told my two oldest that i was pregnate, 4 yrs ago then cryed. and my daughter even started yelling at me. they have a sister who is just 3 yrs younger than my oldest daughter. (born less than a yr after me and their fathers divorce) and then that happened, they stopped seeing their father as much. he even had the gall to say that he had a new family and a new start. my 2 oldest were so scared that i was going to favor the new baby more than them, and that i would let her get away is what ever she wanted. i sat them down as a groupm both kids and their stepfather, and then again with just me and one of them. i let them know that i had more than enough love in my heart for them and their new sister. nomatter what happened they were always going to be my kids, and my love for them would never change, no matter what happened in our lives.
it has been 3 yrs since their little sister was born, and they love her with all of their heart. true she gets on their nerves, they are 8 and 7 yrs older than her. but when she does something wrong(right now she is hitting) they know that she is going to get punished and i am not going to sit back and let it happen. i still do everything that i did with them before. school trips and bs, gs, sports. and i love them the same as i did before their sister came along. and now i do take extra time for them. once a month, i take my oldest daughter and we go and eat chinese and then next day i take my son and we go to mcdonald. i try to make that one on one time more special so they know they can talk to me about any issues that they might be having.
@bonjour2009 (1)
• China
1 Mar 09
I think, some family rules need to be developed and obeyed. Every one in the society obeys various rules of law. So we may restrict our wrong behaviors. The children need family rules too. It's your parents and you who tell them what's right and what's wrong. Maybe there will be some trouble to do so because they are over 5 now. But you need patience and several times later they may be better. The most important thing is that you can't break the family rule and what you do is their model.
@Foxxee (3651)
• United States
1 Mar 09
Family meeting!
Let your parents know in a meeting, maybe when the kids are at school or not around.. that you need thigns to change because you are at your breaking point.
Your the parent, what you say goes... simple...
If your parents are not willing to change, then maybe you need to try to get out off that place & get a place of your own for you & the kids & start fresh...
I would also have a meeting with your kids... let them know as well that your hurt by their actions & that you need them to be more helpful & understanding with you.
I would let them voice their opinions as well... sometimes family meetings help the children open up more & then both parties have a better understanding of eachother.
If thigns don't get better... set some family RULES & if they don't obey the rules, I'm sure you can think of something for a punishment that would hurt them without beating them that is... take TV away... computer.... favorite toy... outside time... you can inforce these rules, you are the parent & yes, it will be hard & you might have a child scream, but you know what, block it out... stand up to your kids or they will always run you!
Good luck!
@rmorefield (941)
• United States
2 Mar 09
I have turned them into hermits. They don't care. And it's not so much as my mom as it is my dad. Mom knows that I mean what I say. Dad, on the other hand, still looks to (and treats me) as if I were my 12-year-old daughter. He frequently calls her by my name. He refuses to accept the fact that I am a 30-yr-old woman with three kids of my own. Want to know something funny? It sounds like we've been living here forever, when it has only been about a month.
@rmorefield (941)
• United States
2 Mar 09
I never said that I did not love my kids. They are my life. I would die without them. They are just impossible to live with.
@vivian642008 (71)
• China
1 Mar 09
i think the most important thing is living with them. you don't live together with them. they don't know who are you(as they are baby). so they can't love you. gain and lost are mutual. you don't lost much time, so you can't gain love.though you are their father.
@rmorefield (941)
• United States
2 Mar 09
I guess the pic is kind of confusing. That is my ex (the reason we are back with my parents) and our youngest. It was taken around Christmas. Anyway, I am now a single mom. I do as much as I can to let them know the true me. But you're right. It is hard to do because they are my children and I am the adult. They can only know so much of who I am. I just need to get us out of this house and make a fresh start. Before they end up in reform school. I love them more than anything and will do anything for them. I just don't know how to make them have respect again.
@NuttyMomma (901)
• United States
1 Mar 09
wow! you need to sit down and have a talk with your parents. I take it that it might not be easy for you to move out so tell them you appreciate them allowing you to stay with them but you are their parent and they need to back off on the spoiling because it is interferring with your ability to have control over them. I understand not liking your children sometimes but you need to fix this situation because it sounds like it is way out of control. good luck.
@laglen (19759)
• United States
28 Feb 09
Why can't you spank them? I would concentrate on moving out so that you can get control of them. Also, speak to your parents about your concerns. Let them know the problems they are causing.
@rmorefield (941)
• United States
2 Mar 09
I've thought about spanking. I fully believe in spanking. (Within limits, of course.) The problem is, the local police force around here. My daughter (the 12-year-old) and her friends now think it is funny that they can call 911 if we parents lay a finger on them. Thanks to the local schools, who stretched the whole child abuse thing. I really don't want to be arrested. And I actually looked at 2 different houses today. I'm trying to get us out of here as quickly as possible.
@patzel88 (3310)
• Philippines
28 Feb 09
well, you have the same situation to me right now because i am still living in my parents in law and my two kids are not really listening to me because they think that i am not a mother to them, my son who is 12 years is not really listening to me and he only ask me if he has an important thing that he want to know and aside from that he always listen to my mother in law and my husband.
I always told my husband that we have to separate to his parents because there are things that i know it is my responsibility to guide my kids but with the presence of my parents in law i could not get a chance to comfort my kids.
@lynnemg (4529)
• United States
1 Mar 09
For your sake as well as your children's, have a long heart-to-heart with your parents about this. They may not even realize what they are doing. Explain to them that you really need them to back you up when you are disciplining your kids, and although you don't mind that they give them things, you would appresiate it if they woud check with you first. There needs to be a set of rules in place that all of you make the kids follow. Be sure that your parents understand that you appreciate all that they are doing for you and your kids by allowing you to stay there, but you really do need them to back you when it comes to discipline and enforcing rules.
@Jae2619 (1483)
• United States
28 Feb 09
I would have to say, there needs to be a family meeting about this. You, your parents and your children. You need to lay down your rules. You need to tell your children, how you feel on everything, they are old enough to understand that their actions aren't acceptable. Tell them, though you are staying with Grandma and Grandpa, YOUR RULES are to be in place first, and Grandma and Grandpa have to follow them as well. Make a list and post them so everyone can remember them. Start inforcing punishments. Taking special rewards away, special toys, as in my home we take away extra's away from our 6 year old son. Our extra's are, if we run to McDonalds, an extra would be a happy meal instead of just a cheeseburger, if we are out shopping and he asks for a treat, like a candy bar, or bubble gum, those things are extras in our home and that kills him, but he knows he's has to earn them.
This is always a tough conflict. Inforcing rules while you are staying in someone else's home who doesn't follow your rules. My mother in law has to be put in her place from time to time by not following our rules. If we punish our children when she is visiting, she will run to them if they are crying pick them up and baby them. That teaches them nothing and she doesn't see that, but as with your parents when my children do the same things at her house she wants to punish them but they won't listen to her because they are used to the babying that they usually get from her.
You don't want to start a fued because you are staying in their home, but you need to tell them how you are feeling and why you are feeling this way, and hopefully this will help, best of luck!
@mamalev (264)
• Philippines
2 Mar 09
I have a 2-yr-old son and there are times that I don't like him. That's when he has tantrums or not behaving well. The problem with living with your family, in your case with your parents, in mine with my brother and his family (we share the house) is that you have no control over some situations involving others. I am constantly having a high blood pressure everytime my niece and my son fight with each other. What I do is I would take my son to our room and I would tell him what I didn't like. I'd tell him I love you, it's the things that you do that I don't like. Tell your parents not to spoil the children anymore because things are already getting out of hand. Tell your children what you feel have a heart to heart talk. It's worth a try, even if you don't see immediate improvements, in time they will realize the things that you tell them.
@Felicialessard1 (56)
• United States
28 Feb 09
I love my boys but I had the same problem. My husband, kids and I were staying at my parents for a couple of months before we moved 1200 miles away. My kids got so out of hand that we were stressed over whether to discipline them or just let them be until we moved. My oldest is 8 yrs old and he started getting this attitude where mom-mom and paw-paw would take care of everything and wanted them to do homework with him and wanted to go everywhere with them instead of us. He even wanted to go to church with them instead of us, which is one of my problem areas. I have always done church as a family. My youngest wasn't all that bad but then he started acting like his brother. When we finally moved, my boys went back to the way they used to be. Now, they say ma'am, sir and please and thank you. The only problem is that they are going back to my parents house for 6 weeks during the summer and I am dreading it.
