Need help
By cher8558
@cher8558 (425)
Canada
March 9, 2009 3:42am CST
Hi friends,
I really need some input for my oldest son. He is just turned 23. He has been with his girlfriend for five years. I must tell you they have been through some very tough personal times. In the last year however, they were fighting more than normal. He still lives at home, but has sort of his own little pad downstairs. So while he does have privacy, hubby and I can still pretty much monitor how things are going. We actually saw this coming. It was getting to the point that they were breaking up so much, people were just getting used to it and saying, oh they'll get over it again.
Well this time, is the last time. They have been apart for almost a month. Not very nice split up. Well he was drinking this weekend. He usually goes out and parties with friends. But my latest update at about 11:00 last night was that she is indeed with someone else. I know he is devastated because he is my son and I know how his heart works. Well it is now 4:39 am and I am still waiting for him to come home. When his dad spoke with him at 11, he was pretty intoxicated and pretty upset.
I really need some advice. I know anything I say is not going to help, because I am his mother. (Mothers don't know, they haven't lived it lol).
For sure, we are going to miss her too. But it is just so final now, I don't know what he will do. I am very scared for him.
Anybody have any words of wisdom or been through this, how did your ordeal come through?
Hope to hear from you soon.
Cheryl (mom just trying to be there)
Oh yeah, and tomorrows a work day. Guess he won't be there????
Thanks friends.
3 people like this
11 responses
@mammamuh (582)
• Sweden
9 Mar 09
I wish there was something I could say!
I have no clue what I would have done - but drinking and get really drunk at that age wouldn't be easy for my children (esp. if they still lived at home) I'm strongly against drinking - even if I know they probably will get drunk some day (I still haven't - so not everybody will)
Truly I would kick my child out from the house! Esp. if he's drinking and has a hang over when he's supposed to go to work.
I hope it will improve soon!
@hidden1money1secret (191)
• United States
9 Mar 09
I thought about saying to kick him out. If he has to pay his own bills, less time and money for "partying" (slavery). This is a hard thing to do, you don't want him to end up worse off.
@mariposaman (2959)
• Canada
10 Mar 09
Maybe when he grows up he will become a man an deal with his own problems. I would suggest you cut the apron strings and let your son mature, you cannot keep him as your baby forever.
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
9 Mar 09
I wish I could tell you that I know what to do. I know that you yourself must be hurting seeing your son like this, and I hope that you or someone can help him get over his heartache from the break up. Let him vent if nothing else, but people are different, he may not want to talk about it to anyone. Just try to get him to talk, and try to relate to him... I don't know, I'm sorry if I couldn't be of any help.
Have fun mylotting.
@lynnemg (4529)
• United States
10 Mar 09
Tell your son that as painful as it is right now, it is really her loss. My Dad tod me the same thing when I went through my divorce and you know what, those words really did help. He actually saw him with his new girl and Dad said, "Well, I see the problem, you just aren't trashy enough for him! It is his loss, not yours. You will be the onehappy in the end." He was right, and I am definately the happy one now.
The worst thing you can do is to not say anything. If he continues drinking and partying like he is doing, no good can really come from it. Find that one thing that you know will get through to him and use it for all it's worth. Us Mom's know how to get to our kids when we step back for a minute and look at it really close.
Tell him that you want to see him happy and you know that right now, he is not, but, if he continues to live in the past rather than moving forward, the only one he is really hurting is himself.
I hope, for all of your sakes that you can get through to him, one way or another.
@ladynetz (968)
• Canada
9 Mar 09
As a mother to another mother, my heart goes out to you.
I understand what you are going through, and it's a pretty hard situation.
He won't listen to you - as you already know.
But, from my own experience, I can tell you, that before I married my husband, I left him and had another boyfriend, for few months.I did nor want to see or hear my husband, doesn't matter how hard he tried.
I had a feeling that I'm too much in this relationship, and I guess I was to scared. he was asking me all the time to marry him, and I did not want to marry just then.So I just left him, broke his heart.
After few months, when he had no hopes to turn me around, I came to him and asked to be taken baken.He did, And now, we're happy, married, two kids, best friends.
Maybe it's just a phase they are going through, and they'll be back.
And if not, then, maybe it's for the best.You never know when he's going to find his true "fit".
An idea might be to send him in a holiday trip, somewhere in Cuba, Brazil, Carraibe, where it's hot and lots of girls and happy time around him.
All you can do, is wait and hope for the best.
@tav_8164 (151)
• United States
10 Mar 09
I am sorry to hear about your son's situation because it sounds like you really love him and his pain is your pain. Hopefully he just slept at a friend's house, and maybe he'll make it into work. Your son is an adult and unfortunately has to learn things for himself. It is not the end of the world it just feels like it. Just make sure he understands that it is not worth it to throw away his life for her because if she is already with someone new she is not going to throw away her life for him. Good luck to you.... and him.
@mansha (6298)
• India
9 Mar 09
I guess mom's are never welcomed and you just have two choices, speak or not to spaeak and I always feel speaking is much better then not speaking(my hubby thinks otherwise). If I were you I will just sit him down calmly and may be tell him is excessive drinking is upsetting and not acceptable, no matter what is going on his personal life. If he was my son I would have added that I raised him to be a better person than this too. May be try and speak to him about his drinking and see where it leads to. TYread carefully you may end up bonding with him too.
@proudmammabear (556)
• Canada
9 Mar 09
I think the most important thing is to let him know that you are there for him, that break ups may suck. That yes it is going to hurt, but that at the same time, he has responsibilities that he needs to still be taking care of, and that going out, partying and drinking, is NOT going to fix what is wrong, it is not going to make her come back as this perfect woman that would be what he needed. Infact his behavior is probably only affirming that she was right to leave him. I think even though he is hurting, you can be supportive, but let him know that if he thinks it can't get any worse, he is mistaken. And if he is going to continue on the path to self destruction, you cannot allow it to happen under your roof, and he will have to get a place of his own. It is okay to be hurt, it is okay to be sad, it is NOT okay to take it out on everyone else around you, It is NOT okay to give up your responsibilities (work). She is one girl, in a very big world, and perhaps she needed to move on, so he could find the girl for him, the one that is right for him. The girl that he can have a decent relationship with, one that he can walk beside, one that will encourage him to be better than he has ever been, and one that he can encourage to be the best she could ever be, while holding each other's hands. Someone who won't tear him down, someone he won't feel the need to tear down. Growing pains...
Good Luck!! God Bless!!
@suzzy3 (8341)
•
9 Mar 09
If it is any help we have been through the same with our older kids, it is awful and all you can do is keep the tissues coming,make sure they eat three times a day even if it is only a snack and be there. For them they are both so young.May be it is better it happens know instead of a few years down the line when there are kids to be considered.Be there but don't fuss to much ,odear it is going to be a tough time for your son,take care.
@NuttyMomma (901)
• United States
9 Mar 09
What seems to be your biggest worry is how he is going to handle his broken heart. I would be concerned with that also but a bigger concern to me is his drinking. He needs to grow up and become an adult. You and your husband condoning his partying is not helping him to grow up. As far as the relationship goes, it sounds like it was not a healthy one. Any couple that keeps fighting and getting back together is showing signs of immaturity and probably isn't ready for committment. It also shows that maybe they don't belong together. I hope that he is ok and is smart enough to not drink and drive. My strongest advice to you is that even though you obviously love your son very much you are not doing him any favors by enabling his destructive and immature behavior. You need to have a talk with him and learn how to hand out some tough love. You will be glad you did.
@JHawkin214 (279)
• United States
9 Mar 09
Relationships breaking up is always a hard thing to deal with. Either for the people themselves or the ones who are hurt. As his mother the best you can offer him is that you are there. Don't try to force the subject or try to inteven in the early stages. At first it is going to be tough. He'll need to work through it in his own way at his own pace. If he asks for your imput remind him that there will be life after her and will be a better match for him. He just has to get used to the routine of being on his own and he'll be fine. Good luck!
*It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all* I belive this quote fits into many situations including this one!
