Who should raise the children?

It's good to see you taking an interest and 'listening' to what people say. It's a learning curve and if you think things should go a certain way, there is always time to learn something that makes you change your mind. Well done you.

I'm very glad you are open to looking at both sides, and open to listening to what others have to say about the subject. Not that I want to tell anyone what to do, but it is nice to see young people taking the initiative to research, talk, discuss, and learn. Namaste-Anora

I think I really did a poor job explaining my thoughts in my original post, and that partly to use an excuse was that our own daughter had surgery yesterday and I was functioning on very little sleep. I will state in your response as it's on the first page that I really do appreciate how everyone on this thread even if they disagree have handled themselves with maturity and civility on a very sensitive issue. It means a lot to me that all of you were able to get to the meat of what I was bringing up, and again I apologize for it being rather muddled last night. I agree that it truly does depend upon the couple, though I am now a traditionalist. I am so because when I was married to my first husband I was not allowed to stay home. He wanted our salaries to stay near the triple digits to maintain that lifestyle and so I worked. I resented it because I wanted to stay at home and enjoy my babies. I left him because he was abusive and that stayed with me, and shaped how I felt. In this marriage, we live on a meagar one salary but we never seem to have to "sacrifice" anything. We enjoy a good life and we are always with our children. If we have classes for our graduate work we schedule them so that one of us is with the children. It's just what we believe in. And I agree, some men are wonderful caregivers. My husband is an awesome provider. However, even he admits that there is a parenting difference and I work well with the children now because of their emotional needs. To him, he doesn't get the tears, crocodile or real. He thinks they should just suck it up and drive on. He kids me about giving them too much, but he says that it's truly because I'm a mother and that's what mother's do. I was a single parent for a time after leaving my ex before my children asked to go back and live with him, and I can relate. My kiddos went through a lot with my teaching schedule. They understood what I did, but they didn't like it that I wasn't there for them. In this marriage, even though I plan to return to the classroom when they go to school I won't be putting my career as first as I did during my first marriage. Does that help make a bit more sense as to what I was getting at? Mothers need to be with their children during the early parts of their life because we fundamentally work and think differently then men (this written about in the man books out there, and psychological journals available), and we do provide a great much of the emotional training for children. Though, I do know that if you must work, it just means as a single mom you have that much more to do if that makes sense. Thanks for the response. Namaste-Anora

I agree with you. I would have happily been a career mother if I had met the right man and got married when I was younger. When I was in school and the teacher asked what we wanted to do when we left school I said get married and have children and she said that was not a career. I think she was so wrong. Sadly it never happened for me. I did not meet someone until I was too old to have children. I think that it is sad that women who have worked hard to achieve a career they love are then forced to choose between giving up their career to have children or not having children. They should be able to take time off to have their children without losing all they have worked for or be able to work shorter hours. Part of the problem is employers who want all or nothing and are not prepared to be flexible and another part of the problem is the pressure for women to produce an heir, preferably male, to carry on the family name etc and the societal pressure that tells a woman that she is not fulfilled until she has children as that is her purpose in life. Unfortunately for many women they find that having children does not magically turn them into loving mothers and they resent being stuck at home when they want to do other things. Men do not have to deal with this sort of pressure or these sort of pressures. They have quite different pressures in their life revolving around providing for their families.

I have to agree with you and could not have articulated this better. It's the old saying "A man can't serve two masters". I do wonder where this aggression/defensive side comes from in relationship to parenting or raising children. Why is it that it is referred to as "stuck at home", "resentment" and so forth. Someone mentioned early on or in another post that if a woman truly feels this way or a man for that matter, perhaps they should not have children in the first place. I think that is very true. Namaste-Anora

I think it all depends on the person. I do not think that gender makes a good parent. Some men make better care givers than women but probably not that many. Maybe if we raised boys to be gentler it might make a difference, I do not know.

Yes, I'm definately not insulted by being a stay at home mom. And it doesn't mean I'm my husband's doormat either. My husband is willing to do what it takes so I can stay home because I want to stay home. Namaste-Anora

In a perfect world, yes, one of the parents would stay home and make sure the kids were looked in on. But in the world we live in, it often takes 2 incomes if not more to make ends meet. My husband and I do not live in an expensive townhome nor do we drive expensive cars. We have chosen to stay in this area and the cost of living is a lot higher than elsewhere in the USA and for that, we need two incomes. I have to work. He has to work. It's as simple as that. I enjoyed the 7 weeks I was off work on maternity leave after the birth of my daughter. I enjoyed every minute with her. I cherish every second that I get with her every day of my life and could not even begin to fathom my life without her. But in the same aspect, I was going stark raving mad at home alone during those 7 weeks. My neighbors all work. My husband worked. Yet I was at home with an infant who let's face it, wasn't much for conversation. I'm sure if it came down to it where one of us couldn't work, we'd manage. But that'd also mean moving to a much, much, much smaller apartment and getting rid of probably one of our cars and having to make sacrifices left and right. Our neighborhood is a gated apartment/townhome complex with on site security which makes me feel safe when my husband has to work late or goes out of town to visit his mother and father. I'm not willing to risk my safety to justify my quitting so I can watch my DD grow up for 5 years. I do raise my child. Yes, I'm not with her for about 9 hours out of the day, sometimes more, sometimes less. But I'm with her as much as possible. I have to work as does my husband. In order for us to be able to afford to stay where we are and enjoy the "extras" we provide for each other and our daughter, we both have to work. I don't feel guilty about leaving my DD with a sitter. Our sitter is a wonderful woman that we go to church with. We've known her for years and I trust her 100% with the care of Allison. There are very few people I trust my daughter with, but our sitter is one of them. And the gingham dress thing was a poke at Leave it to Beaver where Beev's mom was always in pearls, a dress, an apron and heels.

Isn't it sad though that women (and I say for the most part because of the nature of the business of child raising) are forced into this? Why should both parents have to work? That part I've never understood. We here people complain how we lack family values, there is more crime, etc and yet we know the cause and we don't fix it. I'm lucky in that we live in a fairly decent neighborhood, but I know what you are speaking about, I'm not too naive lol. And I get the Leave it to Beaver remark lol. I'm the odd one in our neighborhood though because I truly am eccentric. I suppose when my children are older and my husband passes on I'll end up the cat woman lol. Namaste-Anora

Mystic- I'm not saying you have to stay home for all her life, I'm saying for the initial part of your child's life. What is wrong with a mother staying at home for the first five years to make sure their child is cared for? I find the entire "nanny" and "daycare" issue one that I disagree with. I know that people can live off on one income because my husband and I do it. We "chose" to do so. Though, I also admitted in previous posts that I can see how some people cannot or will not do this. It is their choice. And I'm not sure where you got that I said people need to be wearing an apron, gingham dress, etc. Though lol, I dress in Victorian style clothing because it's my witchy personality that makes me so darn eccentric. And yes, my husband does smoke a pipe, but so do I lol. What I'm hoping we're all coming to is that we the parents need to be raising our children, not society. That we need to some how get the family nucleus back. As a teacher I've heard stories about how kids don't even get one meal a day with their family. Their family is so busy doing "work" that they forget they have children. That's just not acceptable in my book. Thanks for sharing openly and honestly how you feel though. Namaste-Anora

I agree with what you are saying about adjusting our lifestyles and living by our means. I also see where you are coming from on wanting more and needing more as berin a great part and problem within the American society but..lol..me and my buts..there are also situations beyond our control at times that limit us. If one can find a job and the other can't..male or female..it kind of takes the choice away. There is also the issue of being able to find someone that you can depend on in this day and time to be the bread winner if you are a woman. That's another subject though..honestly..I think a woman is better at home with her children during early childhood if she can make that choice.

I know. If we could all simply work together through the many myths that have been created in our own generation I think we'd do well as a society. Thanks again for your input. It's been very helpful I think over all to the conversation. Namaste-Anora

Jen- Thanks for sharing. I agree that some male teachers are excellent, but what I'm looking at are the first 5 years of life, before a child goes to school in most societies. I think some fathers are very good at staying at home, but I keep hearing a common thread throughout the discussions-"Barely making it". I think that may be the key to the crux of the problem. We have been conditioned to have more, need more, and want more in our American society. Hence, a lot of people cannot seem to live on less. I recall reading an article sometime back in which a woman went from a dual income of over 60K to a single income of 30K. She kept saying how her lifestyle was hurting, how she couldn't eat out every night, couldn't by all the things she wanted, and how it just wasn't fair. Now, that said, we live on a single income and we look at our life as wonderful. We're thankful each day for what we have, the time we spend together, etc. However, that took a lot of work changing our point of view and perception. Much came through meditation and our spiritual walk, but it did change. I think back to when I was in my early 20's and my attitude is much different where money and status is concerned then it was then. Namaste-Anora

I agree, I love being a mother and this time around I'm taking full advantage of being home with my children and enjoying all of their moments. Thanks for responding. Namaste-Anora

I would say that it definately is a decision that a couple needs to make and both partners need to respect what the other one wants. I'm very blessed in my second marriage that my husband does not object to me staying at home even if it means less income then if I did work. We still live a remarkably abundant life and we're grateful for that. Thank you for sharing so openly. Namaste-Anora

You know, I like that idea of a village helping. I think that it is sad that some women are "forced" to choose, and if they choose to stay home they are demonized. I know that's what I've been hearing. We think so little of staying at home (society in general) that we've made moms feel ashamed to stay at home. And I do think it is a perspective, a point of view so to say. If we change how mothers feel about being at home, I do feel that is a start. Then, I feel we need to make it easy for mothers to stay at home during the first five years. Thank you so much for sharing. Namaste-Anora

Men think very differently, no doubt about it.

Oh, I agree that father's can be very nurturing, but in their own way. It's been shown countless times in many psychological journals that men are different then females, and more then just their equipment. They communicate differently, they process emotions differently, and so on. I keep hearin though that the general feeling is "we can't survive on less". It just seems sad that we've come to that line of thinking. I think it's an ego issue, but that's one of my other discussions lol. I do agree though that it needs to be a couple's decision that they decide to do, and they should do so because it works for them, not because society says they should. Thanks for sharing your story. Namaste-Anora

Paula- Thank you for your response, as it has given this discussion even more depth. I think you are right in that we should not have "predetermined roles" and yet we must all agree that there are some basic gender differences at work. How we communicate and so forth differs from male to female. Entire studies on this have been done. I think that balance, as you've brought up is key to the development. And yes, children raised by one or the other parent seem to be better set for the world then those who are left in daycares all day. Though, please to anyone else reading, do not think I'm putting you down if you in fact have that lifestyle because of necessity. I'm very grateful that we've been able to share our ideas on this topic and open up dialogue to see what we can do for solutions so that we know who are raising our children, what ideas they being fostered with, and so forth. Namaste-Anora

Exactly, I think it's all on how we view the cup, nice analogy. Thanks for sharing. Namaste-Anora

Archie- I love your explanation of motherhood. I agree that our child's initial part of life shape who they are for the rest of their life and giving a good start is always the best. Thank you so much for sharing. Namaste-Anora