Should my parents get separated?

India
March 26, 2009 1:36am CST
Ever since I can recall I have seen my parents fighting on all issues.My mother is of dominating nature.There were problems in her family beacuse her father's business was closed.She had to study and take tutions 4 her family.Then started working,when she met my father.He approched her for marriage,though she says she was not that willing as all her family was on her,but it happened. Thereafter she used to humiliate my father telling he is nothing without her.They both had hard time making all assets.But when had some,my mother used to say "I did this","I did that"."We",was never in her talks.My father used to feel bad.Then she started telling these things to others also,in parties,at home. My father used to listen to everything as he wanted to see my brother and me happy. Then 3 yrs back my brother died in a car accident. Even then my mother used to humiliate him,as my father went on the track thinking my brother's soul is in the house,he will come back.These things were not practical according to my mother.She used to say all bad things to him and even about him to others. Then this unfortunate thing happened,that my father started sharing his feelings with a girl in his office,who is of my age.They used to talk on phone late night even.When my mother came to know about this she started abusing my father. My father says he started talking to that girl as my mother was not ready to understand him,and all these years through he has suffered a lot. My mother at times says she would do things to bring my father back to her.But sometimes says she wants to get separated. Being their daughter I always wanted them to be together,but now even I feel sick of things that are happening. Pls help,what can b done.
4 people like this
19 responses
@tipay26 (867)
• Philippines
27 Mar 09
Kishuchi, hello I am not that good at giving out advices especially if it involves family matters but I would like to try to explain it to you so that all that hurt feelings can go.I can see by how you relate that your mother is the more dominant type maybe because of what happened to her family. But in my opinion it's not a valid excuse to treat her husband that way...If during those times that your father proposed marriage to your mother and like what you have related she is not sure of it on those time, maybe if she is having doubts she wouldn't engage herself in a relationship and having given the fact that they wed, your mom should know that you and your father are her life and responsibility now.It hurts me when I read that your mom would always say something good for herself and that she will put shame in the acts of your father.I know your mother being the dominant type is not that harsh there are things that she want and lacking and she can't figure it out.Maybe it's her way of showing you and your father that she can handle it herself but in reality she can't.She is just afraid of getting help from you and from your father..maybe because for her its a sign of weakness.You really don't have to worry your mother loves your father she wanted something from him that's for sure but your father don't know what is it because she won't tell.If you want to save your family there are available marriage and family counsellors to help you.They will assist you all the way.Your mother needs advice she is hurting and the problem is she's not letting it out.she wants the authoritative stand but in reality she is weak.I hope i enlightened you..=)
• India
27 Mar 09
I feel u r right.I will try to find out a counsellor,and get help.It would b wonderful if things change between them.
@tipay26 (867)
• Philippines
27 Mar 09
yes,it will be very pleasant that both of them will have the extra efforts to make up for the times that they have ignored each other and forgot that they are husband and wife and that they still got you..=)
• United States
27 Mar 09
Unfortunately there is nothing that you can do. This sounds like a horrible situation, but divorce or growing together in a healthier relationship are both choices that have to be made by your parents and not you. You can't do anything to fix the situation. It is best if you sit back and try and support both of your parents in the decisions that they make.
• India
27 Mar 09
U r right I cannot do a thing.But at times I feel bad for my mother and my father.Whenever they call up to tell me bad about the other I get disturbed.
• United States
27 Mar 09
Parents should never do this to their children no matter how old their children are. However, it happens a lot and you can at least be thankful that you are older (many young kids deal with this from their divorced parents and it is often confusing). I once heard of it this way. Visualize yourself as a duck. The duck goes under water and when he comes up the water rolls off of his feathers. Try to let the bad things roll off of you just like the water rolls off of the duck.
@censae (72)
• United States
30 Mar 09
Mind your own business is the best position at this point. If it is safe, offer your opinion about what is going on. Your parents know full well how to take care of the dynamics of this relationship. They seem to have been doing what they do a long time. There maybe things that have gone on between them that you have no knowledge of. Love them both and not judge things too harshly that you might not understand. They have to come together or come apart on their own. Emotional or physical abuse has to be decided against the reciepient. Choose your battles well--all are not youes to fight.
@censae (72)
• United States
30 Mar 09
correction by the recipient yours
@eselmaro (208)
• Philippines
27 Mar 09
With your discussion of you parents story I would suggest that they better get a seminar first about marriage, this nothing wrong about it after all they just need to know if they can still work it out or a specialist to consult with. After that go for a retreat. I am pretty sure it is effective. You are not the only one experiencing that kind of scenario and I feel pity for you. A lot of daughters want their parents to live happily ever after. Hopefully, they'll work it out. I wish the best for your family. Thanks.
• India
27 Mar 09
I wonder things would change between them.At times after all this also they will b good to each other.And after sometime will fight again.They go out visit places,but then things resume.I will try that counselling suggestion of urs.Thank u.
• United States
27 Mar 09
hmm... wow thatsad im sorry. the way you tell the storie it sounds like your are leaning over to your dads side. if your mom is as bad as you sad then your dad is realy good hearted and your mom is lucky to have him. it sounds like your mom has to much pride to admit she is dependit on somone eles for a change. its funny the way the brain works, your mom could be just a reflection of her mom or her dad. i do not know your mom so it is hard for me to pin point her felling or ask if she had to be vary dependent as a child. i think and this is my own personell opion, they should not seperat. they need each other more than they think they do. it is also sad that your dad had to find somone to talk to becouse your mom would not listen. i think they should talk about this kind of stuff face to face and share each others feeling. but most likly from what i have heard about your mom, she would probley make fun of him if he tryed to. let them work it out theres nothing you can do, what ever happens is just fate, if they do seperat then it was not meant to be. im also sorry you had to deal with this, i know how it feels when my first dad went to jail for hittting my my when i was 7. it was sad but know i have a step dad and it all worked out. i dont know if your releigous but i think god has a plane for all of us. hope i helped good luck
• India
27 Mar 09
Now at times my father says that he will bring that relationship to an end.But he says he needs time.He has stopped calling that girl,and keeps his mobile off at night.But if someday he comes late or talks to somebody else,my mother feels he is talking to that girl.
• United States
27 Mar 09
Hello, I think that there are some things that people will never understand. My parents where the same way. Do you want your parents to be happy and risk losing one of them? In my case, I have a daughter and her father has a drinking problem. I made a choice that it was best for me to raise her on my own. I do not want her to have to live the way I did. But, maybe your parents just need marriage cousling and better communcation. IF they love each other they can get throught it if they are willing to work it out. Have you tried to talk to either one of them?
• India
27 Mar 09
I have tried a number of times.I tell my mother where she has been wrong at all times,which she takes supportingly sometimes.But is not ready to change or may be this has become her behavioural aspect. I have told my father that he is not doing good by talking to that girl,but he always puts my mother's past behaviour as an excuse. I wonder if they will ever understand each other.
• United States
28 Mar 09
Some people actually thrive on bickering and lousy relationships. Maybe that's the case with your parents. Nobody can tell them when or if to separate, but you could be sure they know it's upsetting to you that they remain together. There's a chance they don't realize where the fallout goes, or what damage it can do.
@tschu8 (136)
• United States
27 Mar 09
I am a firm believer that no one should stay in a loveless marraige. And it does not always benefit the kids in the relationship to have both parents together. Your mother is obviously not happy and your father does not deserve to be treated like this. I do not think that cheating is right but there are times when people are pushed and look to get the companionship that they are not getting at home. Your father needed someone with whom he could talk to and share his feelings and with that would listen and not ridicule him. I do understand this. In a relationship like this I think that both your parents should go their own ways so that can find true happiness out there because it does not sound like they have it the way things are going. I believe there is one true love out there for everyone and they just have not found it yet. I am sorry that you have to go through this.
• United States
27 Mar 09
My advice is that they do seperate from one another and at the same time if they want to be together they need to seek serious marriage counseling. People will be praying!
@srganesh (6340)
• India
26 Mar 09
It is better if you have a sitting with your parents and tell them how you are affected by their quarells.If your mother has real love for you,then she will lessen her fights.And about your father,he should stop searching relationships outside the family for his mental support.Your mothers behaviors cannot be an excuse for his extra affairs.I don't think you have to think about their separation,but concentrate on your career.That is very important now.Cheers!
• India
26 Mar 09
I have always told my mother,that I will b happy if they live nicely.I know now they can;t have a cosy relationship,but I wanted them to understand each other and give each other emotional support for the rest of thier lives. My mother has ego,she is not ready to give up even now. I tell my father he is wrong in starting a relation with that girl.He says it is all because of my mother's behaviour. They r not ready to have a smooth a relationship
@j47lee (740)
• Canada
26 Mar 09
wow.. what a mother you have... btw... doesnt your dad work?? If he is bringing money into the family... why does your mom complain... that is sooo bad.. to keep a marriage .. you should never humiliate your husband.... that is sooo bad... I think your dad needs to get out of this marriage..... this is no marriage.. it sounds like an oppression... there is a limit how much a person can take anymore...
@krissy32 (205)
• United States
27 Mar 09
Exactly and well said. No one should put up with oppression of any kind. In my mind, if two people cannot live peacefully together and if one person from each side of the family cannot mediate and come to an acceptable compromise, and help from a clergy person of their particular faith cannot make these two see the damage that they are doing to the family, then it is best to separate to gain some perspective.
@net101 (157)
• India
26 Mar 09
Separation is a last resort and as far as possible it should be avoided. Both should try reconcile the situation in the interest of family and self-respect. Both have to give up their egos, fault finding and superiority. If it does not help, they should try take help from counselling or some mutually acceptable mediator. Your father should not undue advantage of the situation by considering a third party in her office to be more well wisher. You Instead of getting sick, try your best to take both of them in confidence and play a constructive role in keeping the family united.
• India
27 Mar 09
Who will mediate.There r people who know someting is going between my father and that girl but nobody wants to intervene.
• United States
26 Mar 09
i think in these circumstances that there is nothing much that you can do without making it feel like being your fault. it is there problem and for them to do even think about dragging it into this, it is also their fault. don't try to take sides because they are both your parents
• India
27 Mar 09
I don't take their sides.But I feel bad for them.For my father who has sufferred throughout because of my mother's behaviour.For my mother,because I know how it feels when u come to know that ur husband is having a relation.
@ryepes (20)
• Philippines
27 Mar 09
I am thinking that separation could do good for both of them. They could think the best for their relations if they still longed for a happy and complete family. In one point if they really feel that they need each other then someone will do its share to be back in each arms again.
@lilaclady (28207)
• Australia
26 Mar 09
Well they don't sound like they are living a very happy life, as we know it we only get one shot at this life so if we don't make the most of it and be happy then we are wasting a good life. Life is a gift we should treasure and the whole purpose of it is to be happy....so if they can live a happy life apart then maybe it is for the best.
@savypat (20216)
• United States
26 Mar 09
Your thoughts about this should be of little value to these two people, you are not a child and these people must solve this problem on their own. I am a child of divorce and I understand how much this can effect a child's life but as an adult, I loved both of my parents but could see that their choice had to do with their lives, not mine. Blessings
@akari11 (82)
• Philippines
26 Mar 09
Your mom and dad are the ones that will decide on this matter. You can only hope and pray and wait what will be their decision. I understand that you are sick and tired of fights and arguments, but what can you do, they are your parents and will always be. I hope that they can settle their difference and should learn to compromise each other and eventually be in good terms.
@star_wish (168)
26 Mar 09
Just hope everyone can cherish their life & the people in his life^
@hehuamei (17)
• China
27 Mar 09
In the breakage marriage unfortunate forever is the child! But time adult`s matter child are many are helpless,does for child`s we must understand that the sentiment cannot force.who doesn`t question have to be wrong to who.lets them process. what we must process is one. will grasp own future. do not look like parents such own marriage. will be willing you to be happy!