My teen daughter COULD have nude pictures out there somewhere!
By miamilady
@miamilady (4910)
United States
April 2, 2009 7:25am CST
Okay, that story about the 14 year old girl DID hit close to home for me.
I WAS somewhat offended (and maybe a bit defensive) where some people asked, "where were the parents".
So, I'm going to paint a picture for you of possible scenarios.
I asked the question in another discussion of mine, "if our kids do something stupid does that make us bad parents?" (those werent the exact words but that was the idea).
Here is why I think it could be possible for MY daughter to have done the same thing. Please understand I'm saying I think it's POSSIBLE not probably.
I've never been a parent who would claim "my child would never do that". One I think it's naive for ANY parent to think that way, and TWO I know my child likes to take risks, so it would be doubly naive to think that anything would be impossible.
I HOPE she has the common sense not to do such things. And I'm PRETTY SURE she has enough common sense, but I'm not entirely sure.
How could she do it?
Well, she has a myspace. She has a facebook. I joined myspace in order to monitor her. She's 16 now and I've always believe it's okay to allow kids SOME privacy. I still feel that way. I don't have her passwords. We used to have seperate e-mail accts, but our computer crashed and when we switched internet carriers, I made the decison to keep ONE family account in order to "monitor my children" better.
Also, although I don't have a facebook acct. we get notifications to our e-mail address whenever someone comments on her facebook. I noticed that some of her teachers (at her Christian school) and some of my family members (my two sisters and one brother) had all added her as friends. I figured if she was doing something inapproprate someone would tell me. In fact, that did happen once. My sister saw a picture of my daugther that she felt was inappropriate. I insisted that my daughter take it down.
Well, recently I discovered that she has a g-mail account. My son just created one too. My son was home when I noticed him on his g-mail account and I asked him about it. He told me he opened it when he created his facebook. you can't open a facebook account with the same e-mail address as an existing member. I know this because I actually did START to open a facebook account and couldnt for that reason.
I chose not to pursue opening my own acct and figured receiving those e-mail notifications and the other things I mentioned would be sufficient to monitor her account.
Heres' the twist. And I suspect this might be something OTHER teens might do as well...
I think she has more than one facebook. I suspected this with her myspace account too.
All they have to do is give their parents their password and keep a "Decoy" page.
Then create a second page that they REALLY use. That's where they would put the racier stuff.
So, if a child were to outsmart there parent in this way, does that STILL make the parent a bad parent?
8 people like this
31 responses
@Destiny007 (5805)
• United States
2 Apr 09
That is why you are supposed to be supervising your children.
They can have all the privacy that they want AFTER they get out on their own.
Until they become legal adults, usually 18, you are legally responsible for their actions.
In my state, if you kids plays hooky from school, the parent can go to jail over it... even if you were unaware of their truancy.
You are the parent, and you are the one responsible. You have to be smarter than the kids.
@Destiny007 (5805)
• United States
2 Apr 09
My son is 26 now, and I was a foster parent to 6 for a couple of years.... The youngest was 5 and the oldest was 21.... and those were the ones no one else wanted.
Don't talk to me about realistic. It's called responsibility.
Yes the government is interfering where it has no business being, and it is about to get much worse.
That does not change the fact that you are ultimately responsible for what your children do.
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
2 Apr 09
Okay, so you had complete controll over seven children 24/7. YOu should give parenting classes. (sighs) I keep getting myself into these "arguments" lately.
I started the discussion, you said your piece, you have a right to your opinion. I think I'll just shut up now. There are certain things that people say that just get me fired up sometimes. I think one of those things must be "dont tell me..."
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
2 Apr 09
That's realistic. Do you have children?
Sure, I know that i'm "legally" responsible, but I also KNOW that our "controll" over our childre does have limits.
And here's the thing for some parents. You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't.
If you go TOO FAR in trying to keep them under controll, you can go to jail for child abuse. If you don't do ENOUGH to keep them under controll and they do something then youre "legally responsible" for that too.
Yep, that's realistic.
Glad to see you've got it all figured out. It really is that simple eh?
@3SnuggleBunnies (16374)
• United States
2 Apr 09
I think you did awsome trying to keep on top of things. I didn't even think about the Decoy page as my friend from highschool her 14yo has ran away and has been missing for about a month now. I'll have to pass that suggestion of ways to look into where she may of went that way. Thanks
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
2 Apr 09
I'm not sure how you would find those pages, but there might be a way.
I'm sorry to hear about your friends daughter. Are the police involved in helping find her?
@3SnuggleBunnies (16374)
• United States
2 Apr 09
I have no idea. I would assume so, as this freind lacks details in things I'm afraid. We have not been close in atleast 10yrs, other than the occasional e-mail or poke on FB.
I do know this child has had problems in school as well as at home, shoplifting + has had a social worker assigned to her. So I dunno what' up, I sent an e-mail with the suggestion to look on those accounts, perhaps she'd check into the sites from where ever she's staying ya know?
I just feel bad for her having two kids wich such "drama" so young, her oldest daughter had a baby last yr as a freshman
@DavidReedy (2378)
• United States
9 Apr 09
It doesn't make you a bad parent at all. Now, I'm not a parent, only a novitiate student of human behaviour, and here's one that is a given... The more we push in any direction, the more resistance we inadvertantly create. The more you wish to know what you're children are doing, the more they will grow in their secrecy--this is only natural, and is part of what leads us into becoming our own persons. My advice (although unsolicited) can best be put this way:
When asked if she would join an anti-war rally, Mother Teresa said, "No. But if you ever have a pro-peace rally I'll be the first to come." Put in another way, try to construct some sort of positive alternative time away from the internet in the first place. Just a thought.
David A. Reedy...
@James72 (26790)
• Australia
2 Apr 09
No of course it doesn't make a Parent a bad Parent when they're outsmarted in a way such as this! technology advances so very fast and teenagers especially are so much more savvy about the internet world compared to most Parents. All we can do is educate our children as best we can about the consequences of their actions and in parallel, educate ourselves to be as up to date as possible with the various approaches kids are into these days. I
And if your kids are going to be smart in a manner like this, then be smarter! If they can set up a fake account for you to see and then recreate a new one for themselves, then set a new one for yourself as well and disguise your identity also, just like they did. Two can play that game and you'll also be able to monitor them if need be. Some may say that this is over the top or demonstrates a lack of trust, but the trust has to go both ways for one! And as far as I'm concerned, it's not over the top at all to be wishing to make sure your child is not being exploited online (directly exploited by someone with ill intentions, OR following the crowd in a negative fashion) to the point of being convinced to place innappropriate images or information about themselves! Anyway, they are your kids living in your home; and until they're adults in the eyes of the law, this is your right. Fight fire with fire I say. 
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
2 Apr 09
Thanks for the reply. I've thought about opening up a Facebook and such. I probably will at some point, but my questions (to myself mostly) are, how far do we go to keep tabs on our kids? At what point do we allow them some privacy?
She will be off to college in a few years. I don't think it's wise to have them go from COMPLETE supervision straight to being on their own. I think we need to allow them their independence one step at a time.
Sometimes I think that those college girls that ended up on those "girls gone wild" videos were "good girls" that just got away from home and didn't know how to handle all that newfound freedom.
I think it's better to allow them some privacy and freedom while they are still home and hope that any "mistakes" that they make are managable and hopefully they can learn from their smaller mistakes not to make some of those bigger mistakes.
I consider myself somewhat technically savy, but definetly not completely on top of technology. I know there are parents out there who are less informed about the internet and simply can't keep up with their kids. It doesn't make 'em bad parents (as you said),it just means sometimes it's hard to keep up. Especially these days.
@sandymay48 (2030)
• Canada
2 Apr 09
The only problem with facebook is, kids can still block what they dont want you to see. THey can block certain people or any aspect of their facebook page. You could think you are seeing everything when really you arent. I beleive that technology has made it virtually impossible to watch everything they do. Even a punishment such as taking away computer privilages , does not work when they can now just access it anyway from a cell phone, or other public places.
@roniroxas (10559)
• Philippines
2 Apr 09
i have four teen children mia and i am a single parent as well. i know their friendster accounts and passwords (this is like facebook and myspace) i know also that they have their decoy as what you call it. i talk to them always about this. i can not monitor then all the time and i also tell them that i respect their privacy. i just tell them too that i trust them and i expect that they will not do something that will make me mad or make me worry. as of now that is the only thing i can do. i also pray that they will be guided.
@roniroxas (10559)
• Philippines
3 Apr 09
i also responded at your discussion regarding about parents should always be blamed of what their children is doing. i only have two hands and if i dont work then we will have no food. i respect their privacy for them to learn to respect others privacy as well. i never keep secrets from them and i expect that they will do the same to me, and i make that very clear with them. if they do something that is not good then that is their judgement not mine. they also have their own mind and right to decide. of course if they will do something wrong or bad i will be hurt but still it is their life they are ruining. i am here to advice and to suggest it is still their decesion that will be done at the end. my sister even told me that i am the parent then i have to decide (she has no children). i told them i am not always around to decide for them. they have to make their own decesions specially now that they are teens already. i am just expecting that they will do the right decesions.
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
2 Apr 09
Thanks for your response. You're situation is somewhat what I had in mind as an argument in defending parents against the question "where were the parents".
Single mother of four. Sometimes single parents have to hold down multiple jobs.
I think it's great that you have their passwords and it sounds like you are doing a great job as a parent, but as you said you can't possibly monitor them ALL THE TIME. And at some point we do need to allow them SOME privacy.
@savypat (20216)
• United States
2 Apr 09
Trying to stay ahead of these kids is a full time job. I don't know how you keep up with it. But you seem to give it your best effort and that is the most any one can expect. On top of that you alert the rest of us to what you discover. I learned long ago that lessons in life are often hard, and many of us go through troubled times learning them. My Dad was a lawyer and he made sure that from the time we were little we knew what jail was. We not only saw it but visited it regularly. When ever he had to go there to see a client. He just took us and let our imaginations do the rest, we were put in chairs where we could see the inmates and told to be still and wait for him. Now let me tell you about this jail, it was in a lean to attached to the police office, it was open to the weather, there were four cells and any body in the small town could walk by and see who was in there. There was an outhouse beside it and a wooden platform in each cell for a bed or seat. This one small thing from our childhood kept us on the straight and narrow. Another was the whole town knew each and every child and just let one of them step out of line and the parents knew immediately. Of course we were not angels and found ways to get around all of this. But the town raised us just like they said it takes a village. We had all the sins of today, rape, murder, theft
abuse and drunkenness. All in a one stop light town in the desert. I don't know if it was easier or harder on parents, compared with what you are going thru today
Blessings
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
2 Apr 09
I think that getting a first hand look at what the possible consequences are is a GREAT motivator. You're father was a wise man.
My daughter, fortunately was just given the opportunity to experience something like that yesterday. Her coaches took her softball team to visit a home for teenages mothers. There were two teen mothers with babies and a pregnant teen living there. The girls were giving a chance to ask questions and interact with the young mothers and the babies. The coach sent out an e-mail to the parents telling a little bit about how things went. It seems to have been a great experience for both our girls and the teen mom's. Our girls brought things such as diapers etc to help out and hopefully they came away with some valuable lessons.
@SViswan (12051)
• India
15 Apr 09
I understand what you are saying and that doesn't make you a bad parent. I've been a teenager...been there, done that. And I know all the trouble my dad went to trying to monitor me. I always tried to outsmart him. Luckily I made the right choices (a few mistakes on the way....which I would call as 'learning experiences')....but being a parent now, I realize how bad things could have been...especially with me doing what I did and trying to get past what my father did to protect me (I NOW know he was trying to protect me ...at that point I didn't think so).
To answer your question, if you are trying your best to monitor your child and the child still outsmarts you, I wouldn't call you a bad parent....but a parent who isn't even trying is someone I would call a bad parent. The thing here is to be smarter than the child AND also keep the lines of communication open and make them feel they can come to you with any of their problems. This helps you to know even if they have done something and get into trouble. And that's what I'm trying to do with my kids....be able to understand them and be secure enough to come to me when they need me.
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
5 Apr 09
Kids will be kids. And if that's all the harm they're getting into then it's not that big of a deal. Yes, we do have a responsibility as parents to teach, guide, protect our children. But there's no way we can control every little thing they do. Some people really blow this stuff out of perspective.
@alecs76 (657)
• Philippines
2 Apr 09
no. if you did your best even she may have done that.
maybe you should have a nice talk to her, explaining what could happen. just don't get mad at her for creating many accounts.
i have a tween daughter and i know she has friendster account and many others. i know that she got another yahoo account other that the one she's using because i know the password for this one.
just tell her, be responsible for her actions.
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
2 Apr 09
I have had talks with her about internet safety etc. I hope at least some of it has sunken in. I think it has. I also occassionaly talk to her when things come up in the news where bad things have happened to kids because of things they did on the internet. I was contemplating printing up that story about the 14 year old girl for her to see it. But that's where I also second guess myself. On the one hand I want her to be aware of possible consequences, but on the other hand I don't want her to think I'm assuming she's doing this stuff and I also don't want to give her any ideas! Sometimes, I guess I overthink stuff.
@ronaldinu (12422)
• Malta
4 Apr 09
i think that its the parents responsibility whatever their child does on the computer. Even if your child is much more knowledgeable than you are on computer this does not make free you from any guilt. As a parent I feel that it is my responsibility to monitor my son's activity on the internet.
I feel that a computer should not be placed in the children's bedroom but in a common room when the parents can havea look what their children are doing online
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
2 Apr 09
It's terrible that kids don't realize that your only doing it to watch out for them and keep them safe. I wouldn't say your a bad parent...your doing what you can. I think if anything I'd sit down and explain to your kids why you have things set up the way you do...alot of times they don't realize the terrible things that can happen online.
[b]~~AT PEACE WITHIN~~
**STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS**[/b]
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
2 Apr 09
I've had those talks. She thinks I'm overprotective. lol I do believe that SOME of the stuff I explain to her sinks in, but it just also seems to be in her nature to constantly test her boundaries and live on the edge. My job seems to be to keep pulling her BACK from that edge. Fortunately she does have a few things going on in her life that have helped me to keep things somewhat under control.
She plays sports. That helps to keep her busy. She's in a religious school that's helping her to keep Christian views on her mind, even if I don't entire subscribe to organized religion, I do appreciate some of the "morals" she is being exposed to.
@ladybug565 (2216)
• United States
5 Apr 09
I agree with you 100%. My 14 year old daughter id very open with me and we do discuss many issues but she has her secrets and I know that she has more than 1 myspace because she has things on there she dosent want her dad to know. she also has facebook. I think it quite common that these young girls have more than one account so that they can have things that are secret. I dont think it makes a bad parent.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
2 Apr 09
From what I understand there are programs you can buy that will keep track of anything done on your computer. It will keep track of any website visited, and the password used on that website. I forget the name of it, but I'm sure if you call a computer software store they can tell you.
So what I would do is buy this product and keep it hidden on the computer, not tell the children about it. Let them think they have free will on the computer, then after they're asleep or gone for the day you can double check what they were doing.
Of course that doesn't always help either. A neighbor of mine had strictly forbidden her teenage daughters from having a Myspace or Facebook account, and she monitored them very closely while they were on the computer. Then one day she noticed one of her daughters going onto her Myspace, and from her page she could see the other daughter had one as well, and even had a picture up. They didn't even have a scanner or anything, so she had no idea how the girl had gotten a picture up. The neighbor came to my house because I had a Myspace account (and they only had dial up) and had me search for her daughters. I did finally manage to find them, but the profile was private. Eventually she got her daughter to admit to the site, delete it, and said she's opened the account and uploaded the pic from a friend's house.
You can't control them 24/7, you can just do your best to be on top of what they're doing.
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
2 Apr 09
Yes, I'm aware of those programs. I've chosen not to go that route.
For me it just seems like if you keep doing that, it will just keep raising the bar. For some it's like a challenge. As you mentioned about your neighbors kids.
Even if you forbid them from having an account, they will just go to their friends house and created them. Sometimes their friends will created it for them.
I also have issues with checking on them to the point where we begin to deceive them when we are spying on them. Then my question is, aren't we then teaching them by example that being deceitful is sometimes okay?
As you said, we can only do our best and we each have to answer for ourselves how far we are willing to go to keep tabs on our kids. And we all have to figure out for ourselves how much freedom to give our kids and when is it appropriate to start allowing some of that freedom.
@cheryltippett (231)
• United States
2 Apr 09
I don't put anything past a child these days . I would hope my children wouldn't do something like that but like you sais it could be possible . I think as parents we just need to talk more openly with our children about everything when it comes to the internet . I've always told my children don't put anything on the internet that you wouldn't want me or your father, grandfather , grandmother, aunts , uncles , neigbors , etc , etc to see...........If your children have an Ipod there is a site they access on it that is not available on the net.............It is called whos here ..............
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
2 Apr 09
"I've always told my children don't put anything on the internet that you wouldn't want me or your father, grandfather, grandmother, aunts, uncles, neigbors, etc, etc to see"
That's great advice! Unfortunately my child doesn't always listen to my advice even when it's good advice. lol
Now I gotta worry about their i-pods too! Great. Thanks for the heads up.
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
4 Apr 09
no I do not think parents are necessarily bad parents with some teenagers no matter what you do they will sneak around and do whatever they want. It is part of being a teenager. I know so many parents who were literally are pulling there hair out because of their teens I went through h ell and back with my teenage son.
@suspenseful (40192)
• Canada
4 Apr 09
That would not make you a bad parent. You could keep talking to her about what could happen to her if the wrong person, like a pervert found out where she was, and hope that what you taught her eventually sunk in. And it looks as if she would never do anything except for something stupid, that would cause you any great alarm. And usually with Facebook, you get your friends there from those you already know. So since she goes to a Christian school, she would first get her friends from there. I did not know you could have more then one Facebook account.
I have most of my Christian friends on my regular Facebook account, but I would not mind having a separate Facebook account for my writing groups.
If she has a separate Facebook account, I would try to find out.
@scarlet_woman (23463)
• United States
3 Apr 09
nope.it makes for a very wily child.
that's pretty sneaky.
@gtdonna (1738)
•
4 Apr 09
We have a saying in my home country, the stricter the government, the wiser the population. Likewise, the stricter the parents, the smarter their children.
As parents we can ONLY do our best, that don't make us bad parents if our kids turn out otherwise. It means that inspite of all our TLC, they simply choose that path because they want to. The most we can do is be there for them when they need mommy and daddy.
As for privacy online, kids will always find a way to outsmart parents, because the www is so vast, it is hard to keep track of all the emails a person can create as well as accounts they can use on a social networking site.
You just have to let them know, that whatever choice they make and actions they take, or whatever they choose to put out on the www, make sure it is not something they know they do not want to come back and haunt them for the rets of their lives.
@carolluvyou (460)
• United States
3 Apr 09
I don't think it makes you a bad parent. I think its pretty much society we live in. And if you have a feeling of something like this, then maybe you should monitor more and look into the sites and talk to your child. And there's always ways to get their password. Sometimes you just have to use reverse psychology on them.I have done the same with my teenage daughters and I found out what I had to and we can't always hold our teenage child's hand. All we can do is try to be the best parent and do what we feel.
@lynnemg (4529)
• United States
3 Apr 09
No, it doesn't make the parent a bad parent. Teens are sneaky and as parents, we do our best and hope they actually use their common sense. I agree that kids need a certain degree of privacy, but they also need to know that if for any reason at any time, the parent feels the need, or desire to go through things, the parent has that right. You are doing good by keeping one family e-mail to help you monitor your kids, but what if they do have other accounts that you are unaware of? If you think there is a possibility, you should find out if there is and why. If she posted a picture before that was inappropriate, why wouldn't she do it again? If it were my kid, I would do everything I could to find out. CHeck the history in your computer. There is also a way to track what is visited even if the history has been deleted. I can't quite remember it, but I kow it has to do with parental locks and such. My Mom did this to track the usage of hers and monitor activity.
