It's official... I'm fat

Truth: One leg is well over an inch longer than the other Truth: Due to the "crookedness" of the leg measure, I have high & big hips When I wore a size 7 jeans and weighed 110 lbs. (I was 16), my mother would rip on me telling me that I was fat and was going to end up like my cousin (who weighed over 300 lbs at age 16). Until that summer, my weight had struggled to stay between 120 & 130 lbs. At 110, even my classmates commented about how "fat" I was. Now all these years later that I honestly have gained faar too much weight and see how sickly thin I looked, I could just kick myself for ever listening to them.

When I was growing up and in high school I was super super skinny. Maybe 110 lbs max. But I graduated in 2004 and now I'm married. I've gained a little weight, not anything crazy drastic but maybe 25 lbs. I went home this past summer and we went to the lake to go boating. I was on the shore and I've been lazy and haven't been working out, hence my weight gain. And my cousin wanted to walk up the car to get the kids their sand toys. She looked at me and said "common you need to walk and loose some weight." I got pretty upset at her, but didn't say too much. It just hurt my feelings cuz I didn't think that I deserved to have her say that to me. My bigger sister stepped right in and stood up for me. I was so thankful I cried to her later about it. But I know how it feels when people are mean. I dont think I've ever gotten an apology from her either. But thank heavens for big sisters!

I was fourteen, it was Christmas. I had just lost twenty or more pounds. New Christmas clothes. My cousin shows up. We are all doing dishes,the old fashioned way, by hand, with water from the rain water cistern that we heated on the propane stove. My mom says to me, "Next to Nikki, you look short and dumpy." Nikki is my cousin, she is six foot two as compared to my 5'7", and that thought stung forever it seems.

I wish my family would be so truthful. When I say I'm fat they all chime in with something...no you're not, don't say things like that about yourself it is not true, and from my hubby I get Awww honey you are not fat don't say that, you are just fine...I love you. Now I say look you all I know I'm fat I look in the mirror...I see a fat person. I really hate it when I ask how something looks on me wanting a truthfull answer and they say it looks good. When it in fact does not and shows just how fat I am or makes me look bigger. Or it just does not look good on me. I'd rather them tell me me truth so I can change.

My kids and friends have been very good for me. They feel I have been doing great. I feel they are being truthful and not just saying it to make me feel good. I wish my trainer would see a difference. She doesn't say anything one way or the other. I am glad they have all been positive and that nothing unappropriate was said. It was quite a shock when I saw myself full length for the first time when I was so heavy.

When I gaining weight my mother told me. Sometimes I gets irritated even if I tried to lose weight nothing has change I'm still gaining. It is so hard to lose weight, my biggest problem is to control my eating habits which is difficult. My mother always telling me that I need to control my weight because it is not good in my condition. Everytime I exercise my mother criticizing me she told me that nothing has change. Sometimes I told her why you are not supporting me for my effort to lose weight that why I gets angry to her.

I've had my mom say something along those lines too. It was "Oh, you've gained weight i can give you my fat clothes since i've lost weight - i guess you found it" She was teasing but i took the clothes anyways because well i had gained weight. Another time (I had acutally lost weight this time so this time kinda...upset me) we were at a wedding my mom dad and 3 sisters. My cousins husband walked up to me and asked if i was expecting. I think my mouth opened and closed then i said huh? here i thought (and my mom grandma and sisters did too) that the outfit i was wearing looked darn good and i looked like i lost the 15 pounds i had lost!

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