would you like to improve my short passage?thank you
By freshrainer
@freshrainer (284)
China
May 24, 2009 12:36pm CST
I really appreciate it if you can help polish the following passage. I hope I can learn English well and teach English well this way. Thank you, my friends.
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DearJack,
I am sorry for the trouble you are in. As you know, high school life is full of challenges and everyone will naturally feel pressured sometimes. First, you have to deal with much homework, and frequent tests. But because the competition is far fiercer than imagined, it may be easy for you to give up halfway. So you'd better draw up a scientific and practical study plan, and turn to your teachers and friends when possible. Second, you will find it so hard to be away for your family. But don't worry. It is time for you to live independently which will make you think about your future in a more practical way. Last, whatever the difficulty you have in getting on with others, keep in mind that no one refuses those areind.
helpful and kind.
Best wishes to you.
....
1 response
@peavey (16936)
• United States
24 May 09
You've done pretty good, but I would remove some of the words. Instead of saying "competition is far fiercer than imagined," I would say, "competition is fiercer than imagined," and so on.
Also, "scientific" may not be the word to use for a study plan. Probably "practical" in itself would make the point.
Try not to start sentences with "but," or "So." I know it's becoming more common, but it's not proper English and doesn't read well.
Hope that helps!
