How do you keep from getting upset when freinds let you down?
@gypsywoman344 (214)
United States
May 25, 2009 11:01pm CST
I am going to give you a scenario and you tell me what you would feel?
Your a person of age who has spent several months out-os-town helpin a very elderly relative through double knee surgery. Your health in-the-meantime has been slowly deteriating untill by the time you come home to stay, your near bedridden.
You walk into the house you had left clean (not spotless) but clean; dirty to the point of being "filthy". Your too sick , and as much as you try you are unable to get the house in order.
There are two grown roommates who agreed to take over the care of the animals while you were away. Granted that adds to the overall upkeep of the home, but they are adults that had agreed and live there too..
During the two months after returning, your health had deteriated quickly and was still expected to cook and shop. These tasks also grew to be more that you could handle. No one would offer to cook something for you.
Finally after many tests, Drs. discover (amoung other things) you had a very long standin "walking" pnuemonia. Your nuerological condition and copd had also deteriated greatly. You explain this to the roommates, make statements like it's going to take time to recover, this house needs to get really cleaned, I can't do all myself, I quess I'll have to hire someone but I can't find anyone -- noone answeres.
You no more than finish talking about the needs of the "household" befor one of the roommates proceeds to go on about going over to her friends house and cleaning the basement. or moving furniture or another time cleaning up a sewage spill because her thirty year old friend had a two year old.
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL? Am I crazy for feeling hurt and resentful? It's 5 mo. later, I'm still not well, and I'm struggling to do one room at a time. I cna't stand my house, but I just can't do it. Iam to ashamed to even hire someone.
8 people like this
16 responses
@TLChimes (4822)
• United States
26 May 09
You know that I think it is truely THEIR job to help. I also feel that they should do more even in their living quarters then they do. They use the dishes, walk the floors, and park their crap in the common space.
They should help get it to a place that you can ALL work from. And if they don't want to help after that then THEY should pay part of the help fees.
I repeat.... THEY should help fix this... and now, because you will not get better if that house stays as is. 
@enola1692 (3323)
• United States
26 May 09
I totally agree with Chimes I know when I had my back surgery my brother moved in with me to help take care of me you cook me a meal an help me keep the house clean well the day I got home I was on bed rest an no brother an to top it off the food I bought before I went in was all gone so put them out if you can they are no very caring are they
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (160996)
• United States
27 May 09
Have you ever read the story, "The Little Red Hen"? If not, you should read it now. Someone needs to give it to you as a gift. My house is a dump, but it is all my fault, and I am able to get the work done when I choose to. Are these roommates paying rent? Sharing expenses?
1 person likes this
@gypsywoman344 (214)
• United States
26 May 09
Thankyou ladies for your comments. They are all true and I needed to hear from others that I wasn't over reacting with anger and resentment. I used to be such a controlling person ,as my children will attest, but; now it takes too much energy to take control. I thought those close to me would see how much I needed their help and , oh I don't know, help. I want desperately for someone to take over control for a while and do things like: plan meals, shopping, organize things, run things, then I could concentrate on getting better. Things as simple as : if I don't take something out of the freezer(or ask someone to ) at 7 p.m. I'll be hearing "Whats for supper". I am just so tired.
I hate being a complainer or feeling sorry for myself ,but; I am just soooooooo...... tired. By the end of the day today, Tues. I should be better.
Thanks for everyone's support.
3 people like this
@maezee (41988)
• United States
26 May 09
I would be really upset. In fact, I would probably SCREAM at them until they cleaned it up. You're right to feel upset. I would if I were in your position. It's really not fair of your roommates to do something like that.
I hope you've told them this!
4 people like this
@gypsywoman344 (214)
• United States
26 May 09
Thanks Maezee, I do agree. It is a very complicated situation. Would take days to tell. I just can't bring myself to beg for help- I have asked
3 people like this
@rowantree (1186)
• United States
26 May 09
Hi Gypsywoman.
MentalWard said it well. You need to make a change. You have to be more forceful. You have to lay down the law and back it up. You don't say if these two freeloading lazy bums are family or just roommates, but either way, they need to be doing their fair share.
I am so sorry that you are sick. Wish you lived close by to me, I would come over and clean and whip those two roommates of yours into shape.
You have to be careful with your COPD. And walking pneumonia drains all the energy out of you...well, you already know that.
You have to be forceful. If no one offers to cook you something, then you ask them if they will. If no one offers to clean up the bathroom, then you ask them which one is going to do it. You should list everything that needs to be done in the house and tell them they need to divide it between the two of them.
And let them know that if they're not willing to do the work, then they'll need to look elsewhere to live.
You keep me posted. I hope you feel better soon and I hope they step up and help out today.
3 people like this
@gypsywoman344 (214)
• United States
26 May 09
Thanks for your response Rowantree. Sometimes lives are so intertwined its hard to make the needed changes. That also takes energy , mind space, and time. I have always been the one to take control because these very same people didn't, wouldn't, couldn't. Now it takes more energy than I have to "take control." I was hoping that after all this time, they would step up to the plate. It's like they have blinders on and are waiting for me to take control. I just can't. It's taking me all day even to have the energy to respond to everyone.
But I do thank each and everyone of my mylot friends for their support, responsiveness, and thoughts.
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45681)
•
26 May 09
I agree with everybody else here. I see no reason why you should put up with this behaviour. Charity begins at home and perhaps before going to help others, your roomates look to their own house first. Do they rent from you? If so, now might be a good time for rent review! Good luck and don't despair. But it's time to talk tough with the lazybones' that share your space.
2 people like this
@gypsywoman344 (214)
• United States
26 May 09
I do know It's time to "talk" it out with them. The plan is mulling around in my head and after my Dr.s apt on Fri. everyone will be together and I plan on doing that very thing. I don't usually feel so sorry for myself but last night I just got overwhelme.
Thank you
2 people like this
@sandymay48 (2030)
• Canada
26 May 09
Hi there gypsywoman...DId you call these people your friends??...A true friend would not act that way. Not ones that cared.
It sounds like maybe you have been too good to them and they have taken your kindness and whatever else you do for granted. They need to be told point blank, to their faces how you are feeling. If nothing changes, they are not true friends. At least give them the benefit of the doubt by confronting them completely. Often people see us walk and talk and think we are fine. I know that first hand too.
If they are true friends, they will come around after you open their eyes. If they still continue to wear blinders, then they are not "friends".
I know we get used to a certain lifestyle and you may see them as company when they are there. But in time, you would be better off without them.
Do you have home support workers there, hired by the state to help people at home? We do here and it goes according to income. Its a great service.
Even if you could get things straightened around slowly.
I know when you arent well its hard to get much of anything done. But a healthy person can accomplish a lot in a couple of hours. DO try to get some help. THeres no way you should be doing that on your own.
3 people like this
@GardenGerty (160996)
• United States
27 May 09
You do not feel well, it is okay to feel sorry for yourself, and to complain.
@sandymay48 (2030)
• Canada
27 May 09
Too bad they couldnt be present at your appt. to get a view of the real problems straight from the doc..Maybe they would feel guilty and pitch in to help. Some dont realize anything without a wakeup call. Good luck and never feel guilty about asking for help when you need it. I was the same way.
@gypsywoman344 (214)
• United States
27 May 09
We do have home aid paid by Medicare, but.. It's so bad I don't feel I can have the initial home service interview until it's cleaned some. Pretty bad hugh? Fir. at my Dr.s apt I think they are going to arrange for home care, I am going to come home and talk to my roommates just to get it to the point I can have the initial interview. This plan formulated today while reading all you wonderful supportive people.
I hate feeling sorry formyself and usually don't indulge ih such but last night it just sort of overtook me. It set me to game plan.
Thanks again.
1 person likes this
@lucky1girl (139)
• Taiwan
26 May 09
Oh my god,why there are so many people who have no sense of responsibility in the world?The other day,i read a newspaper and the author said that her roommates never to clean the room or take the dishes out after heating the food or washing the pot.What's more,some girl even takes her skirt off at the door and put it on directly when she goes out!How lazy she is.
I can't stand this kind of people,what i can do is to live by myself and i won't be angry with them,because it is not worth.
2 people like this
@gypsywoman344 (214)
• United States
26 May 09
Luckygirl your right. Living alone is great! Someimes because of $ or physical reasons it just can't happen. Your also right about not many people knowing the meaning of responsibility anymore.
Thankyou for your response.
1 person likes this
@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
26 May 09
I would be furious at such lazy selfish behaviour. If is is your home and they are renting from you then I would tell them that that I was going to hire professional cleaning services (they have them in every town..."Maid R'Us" or some such company) and tell the roommates they they were responsible to pay the bill or they have to leave. In the meantime look for replacement roommate. These people are taking disgraceful advantage of you and you need to put your foot down!1 person likes this
@gypsywoman344 (214)
• United States
26 May 09
Hello, and thank you. I wish it were that simple.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
26 May 09
My dear lady...my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry that you're going through this...both your illness and the total thoughtlessness and insensitivity of these people who live with you. I'm guessing you need them there to help with finances ...I'm afraid if it was up to me I would ask them to leave and get someone in to clean and then get new roommates.
How would I feel? Outraged and sicker than ever. I would feel terribly resentful to be living with such selfish, horrid people.
Is there a local Salvation Army you can appeal to for help? Or a cleaning agency of some sort? It seems a bit pointless to clean up if these people are not going to do their bit.
This situation is very bad for you. It can only be making your illness worse as you are worrying and stressing over everything. I truly hope you can get the help you need soon. Hugs to you.
2 people like this
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
26 May 09
It sounds to me like it's time to do more than basic housecleaning...you have a couple of freeloading lazy bums living with you. I'd put my foot down and give them a choice...help out or get out. You don't deserve to be treated that way and especially when your sick. I know money's tight for everyone and you may need roommates but your health should come first and you don't need to be a maid or servant to your roommates. If they have enough energy to help out friends then they should have enough to take care of their home.
Put your foot down and keep it down. If they won't help out, kick them to the curb, hire someone to help clean and then get new roommates. If you belong to a local church they might even be able to help you out.
[b]~~AT PEACE WITHIN~~
**STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS**[/b]
2 people like this
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
27 May 09
Your "friends" are lousy friends...just saying...they are! I think you must have other friends that could take their place. Surely you have friends that need a place to stay that are willing to split costs with you?? If not...don't be ashamed to hire someone...if you feel better about it, you can explain why the place is so unkempt. Then you split the cost with these guys. This reminds me of how I felt when my teen daughter helped her friend's mom clean her place when I needed help in ours. But we aren't talking about kids here now are we?
@gypsywoman344 (214)
• United States
27 May 09
Thanks Sid, No we are not talking about kids, 40jF -50 M . Well maybe we are talking about kids. I took them both under my wing many years ago. 10 * 20 respectfully, It was a mutual situation but I always thought when it came down to it they'd both be there. I have always been there for them through the good and the bad. aBy the way, they are both "friend" type relationships not romantic.
I quess things change now. We are talking Fri. night. I'll post Sat the results.
Your support and words are appreciated,Sid.
@mysdianait (66009)
• Italy
26 May 09
That behaviour is absolutely appalling! 
As others have suggested is there no local voluntary help available? Or neighbours?
It is so unbelievable that people can behave in such a way and I feel for you 
As others have suggested is there no local voluntary help available? Or neighbours?
It is so unbelievable that people can behave in such a way and I feel for you 1 person likes this
@gypsywoman344 (214)
• United States
26 May 09
Thank you for your response. It's not that I don't agree, I do, it's just so complicated and our lives are so intertwined. It's just that I have been there for them in the past and it bothers me so much that they just can't seem to see how much I need their help. They each have their issues and I guess I expect too much in expecting response without me getting mad or pleading.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (168420)
• Boise, Idaho
26 May 09
You shouldn't have to be doing the clean up. I would put my foot down and see what they say. They need to help you! They need to do something! That is just wrong. You are sick and they are not. Just out of consideration they need to step up and be of help to you. I came home to my daughter's house after being away for two and a half months of being away and it was a pig stye. I put my foot down and the house is actually liveable now. Do something. Don't let it go any further.
1 person likes this
@gypsywoman344 (214)
• United States
27 May 09
It's unbelievable when you come home to this isn't it? I really appreciate the input. I have to apologize for being so sorry for myself. Not usually my style.
Things are better now. I am forming a plan. Lighting some candles, looking for spiritual quidence, and biding my time. ha ha.
My main priority right now is my health. Everything else will fall into place one way or another . I believe that. My ranting has seemed to clear my head linked together with all of your good input---the plan is in play.
Thanks
2 people like this
@celticeagle (168420)
• Boise, Idaho
27 May 09
Oh, it sure is. I agree with the health issue being your priority now. The spiritual side of it is good as well. Get yourself strong and then worry about the small stuff. If my kitchen and the toilets are clean I can live with the rest pretty much. Take care and hope you are feeling well soon.
@SteveSlaton (552)
• United States
27 May 09
The hardest thing do is to forgive people who continue to hurt you. People sharing your home are in special positions of trust, the hurts are deeper, and the forgiveness even harder.
Maybe you should print all this discussion off and insist on a round table discussion. I suggest that you require your roomies to take turns reading without out interruption. After a response or comment ask what each of them thinks. Then you take your turn.
If anyone interrupts another, have the aside discussion of practicing good manners and not interrupting a person...
IF, if these roomies say words of remorse, ask for your forgiveness, and proceed to change their ways you will probably gained friends for life and helped them become better people.
If not, at the least lower your expectations, raise your rates (I assume that you are the landlord), hire help, and if they move out, good riddance.
Let us know what you do, dear.
Steve
1 person likes this
@SteveSlaton (552)
• United States
28 May 09
P.S. (Post script.)
1) Be sure to print off everything in this discussion if you can afford the paper and ink.
2) Have you conditioned these roommates to expect you to care for them hand and foot?
which leads to this insight:
People can live up or down to your expectations.
They both have their lives, and it sounds like they have some bad habits to mend that you just may have encouraged, non-intentionally of course.
the term spoiled, as in I just love to spoil my roommates, could be part of how you have arrived in this mess.
Hope for the best. and plan for the ... best.
Think positive.
Be blessed, friend.
Steve Slaton
@gypsywoman344 (214)
• United States
27 May 09
Right on Mr. Steve. This a very,very good suggestion. And very different from others I've received. I planned for a round tabel on Fri. night and this would be a great opening. Thankyou so much for you input. Look forward to more.
Thanks again, but I've got to sighn off for now. Be well my friend.
@TrvlArrngr (4045)
• United States
26 May 09
I would be very disappointed as well.
I had a bad car accident in 2006 and could not walk for 6 months. You learn who your real friends are when something like that happens.
Then you are disappointed in the rest.
1 person likes this
@gypsywoman344 (214)
• United States
26 May 09
I've always prided myself as being a person that could put myself in others places and accept them for who they are and not expect anything . I guess I wasn't as good at that as I thought because I sure expected more of these two.
Thanks for your comment and support.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (160996)
• United States
27 May 09
I know you want someone to be there and help you, but do not hold your breath waiting for it, help yourself, in whatever way you can.For each action you take on your own behalf you will gain all kinds of strength and self esteem. If the room mates go out, change the locks. Do not let them back in. Pay someone to help you, but blame it on your roommates if it will help you keep your pride and save face. Look for agencies in your town to help you. Senior centers often have lists of people who will come do the work. Are you eligible for some home health care? Could your doctor help you with this? Do you have health insurance.Sometimes social service agencies send in housekeeper services. I hope you can get a hold on this. I wish you well.
@maximax8 (31046)
• United Kingdom
27 May 09
That is very complicated and I know that when friends let you down it is incredibly sad. I know that the most important things in life are good health and good luck so it must be awful to be let down severely by illness or injury. When ill or hurt a person needs support and understanding. In good times when well it is fine to help someone but less can be done for them when feeling really ill. Everybody in the world gets older and older. Times do change and in times of need when doing a challenging job it is wonderful when friends help. Clear communication is important and talking in a gentle way won't make anyone feel upset. I would feel resentful but remember all the good that I have done. I know I would feel hurt and poorly so hopefully discussion would cure that. Good luck.
