In A Crummy Mood~~Seems My Deceased Mother's Lies Still Haunt Me

Many of the people who my mother lied to when they got to know me better then realized what a liar my mother was--I think what DOES hurt about Linda and her mother still believing in the crap my mother told them was the fact that we had known this family for eons---some 40 years or more as I went to school with Linda's sister---they however saw MORE of my mother in her later years than me so only heard my mother's side of things of her delusional mind---as I mentioned Linda practically ran away from me that day so wasn't even given the chance to talk--which is why I would like to write a letter addressed to the mother who may be more neutral---AND provide phone numbers of people who could verify what I'm saying is true--THIS WOULD put a sense of closure for me--whether they accept or not is not important but at least gave it a try As far as any personal items of my mother--I got rid of almost everything tied to her--the only thing I still have are her ashes as she was cremated and have them stored in the back of the closet--LOL

If that puts closure on it for you then go ahead and do it. Once it's mailed, then put it from your mind and don't think of it again. Take care. Namaste-Anora

WOW--I just finished commenting on this discussion altogether, and then I read your post. Your mom sounds exactly like mine. Mine treats me like crap and shows her true colors to her immediate family...but the word I hear to describe her most often is "angel." "She's such an angel." "Do this for your mother--she needs it and she loves you SO much..." It makes my relationships with these people who are under false impressions even rockier because I know she's NOT an angel because I lived with her. She doesn't necessarily tell lies, but she'll make assumptions and tell others her assumptions of me or other people as if it's fact. Then I'll have to set the record straight. Some people just shouldn't be parents, and my mom was one of them. :(

No I don't harbor resentment but I just would like to set the record straight with these people about my mother since everyone else came to know what a liar she was

I hear ya Pye. You do what you best about and then let the chips fall where they may. I hope though that you can find some resolution to this mess.........

Like I said I have to at least give it a shot--if she believes me great, if not well at least I tried---I plan to include phone numbers of people they (Linda and the mother) can call to verify what I'm saying is true

I'm so glad you can understand what I type even when I leave key words out! LOL Let me know how it pans out. Good luck!

Everyone else has accepted me and realized the lies my mother told them---just want to settle the issue with that one woman who seems determined to believe the lies

Yes, my oldest daughter learned from her father's side of the family, from a very young age, how to lie successfully. That and many other undesirable traits is what has kept a wall between us for many years. THE LIES. I can never believe everything she says because of it. I tried like hell when she was born, to prevent any visits from him, but I was forced by the courts. They saw it as cultural differences. I ended up with a child who hated me because I didn't bow down to her every wish, as they did. SHe had daily temper tantrums. And they only had visits with her on every other weekend to cause this unrest. But when she was no longer just a little baby for them to dress up like a doll and tour around the relatives to show off with, things changed drastically. Then, their visits slowed considerably. Until, by the age she was 12, they dumped her. Just great for our relationship, let me tell ya. She moved out (ran away, telling lies about ME) when she was 15, bascially so she could have her freedom to date boys without a chaperone. Claiming that she was abused and granted welfare because of it. I spoke to her principal at the high school and he told me it was the latest scam running. If you wanted to move out before your parents would let you, just claim "ABUSE" and bingo, welfare will set you up with a place, food and free money. Then I heard she was on a mission to get pregnant. And by the time she was 18, she had accomplished her goal. 7 yrs later, she is now bored of him and has just kicked him out. She roped him into her tangled web, now she is done playing with him and wants to play the field. JUST SICK!

I'm so sorry to hear that annie. Sometimes those things are out of our control. No matter how much we want the people in our lives to be "good" ansd love us it doesn't always make it so. Especially when they have devils whispering their ears. I thought at one time there might be hope for my half sister and maybe one day there will be but as far as I know..she's like my mom. Take care.

Oh yes..she lived her lies right out..the big ones anyway. The others that were new..well..she'd try and pull you in. Just in the minutes of my life that I was around her..she tried that with me. Like the neice thing..her friends were coming over and she hadto tell me what she had told them..try to get me to go along with it...lol...I just left.

If I could have I would have run after her and done exactly that, but at the time I was loaded down with groceries...I plan to write a long letter to the mother as she might listen more to me--I don't think calling would do as if I get Linda she'll probably hang up on me

I'm so sorry pye. My daughter-in-law went through the exact same thing from her mother as you did with yours. The only thing is because of her mother she hung herself. I was so devastated. She told me that I as her mother and when she had to go into the hospital shorting after she and my son moved up here with me. She did not ant her mother called. She said you are my mother. I felt so honored that she thought of me that way. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you have people that care about you. I know it hurts when its a parent. I suffered abuse from my father. We want to please them and have them be proud of us. But sometimes pye they do not deserve our loyalty. Our parents certainly did not deserve it. You do have people that care about you and that treat you right and with respect. Just because they are our parents does not mean that we must love them or put up with this crap either.

Thank you moondancer. Yes, I'm planning to write a really long letter and even include phone numbers of people, especially my one friend who was the one who alerted me to the lies my mother was telling people...so that woman can call them and the others can verify what a liar my mother was My mother knew how to push my buttons too. It took me quite awhile too, to realize how manipulative she had been in effect ALL my life--I suffered a lot of mental/verbal abuse from her...One "charming" thing she started saying to me toward the end of her life was that she wished abortions had been legal as she would have gotten one as she wished she never had me--charming, no?

OMG---I'm so sorry beyond belief to hear about your daughter-in-law

The problem though with my mother she really did lose a lot of weight--think she was down to about 88 pounds or something---her bulimic episode was actually triggered by a medical problem---the tumor in her esophagus which docs didn't find out about until 2005 after about two years of her bulimic thing--if the jerks had listened to me they might have investigated whether the bulimia was a psychological problem or medical one and the tumor may not have been cancerous yet

Oh btw--hi sister

they never listen to us,pye. we live with them and of course don't know what we're talking about. they made ma go through a whole mess of unnecessary tests for an old problem,i told them what she had previous,and what did it turn out to be?exactly what i said it was. nothing like cranking up medicare bills.no wonder we're all paying through the nose.

Well, you certainly don't seem to have got a good assessment of your mother there. Clinically depressed people can smile from time to time. I have had clients and managed to get them laughing out loud, but the depression is there until we can really get down to the roots of the problem. - Derek

LOL--well my mother wasn't much for smiling at home---never as a matter of fact---in fact often when I went out to do errands and such would purposely delay coming home--it was like the moment one walked into the apt a wall of gloom hit you right in the face---so often would drop in and hang out with a friend who was a delight to be with---my mother could have been considered an emotional vampire and being a therapist you are no doubt familiar with the term

Believe me when I say I didn't take my mother's lying or behavior in general lying down--I did stand up to her, but she was so caught up in such a world of her lies she totally believed them---or when I'd ask her a direct question "Why did you say that?" She would just shrug--which leads me to believe my mother may have had "disorders" all her life but didn't show up or become obvious until she got older---She actually was a good liar most of her life, to "save face" you might say What really pissed me no end was the fact she was seeing a therapist for about five years---I suspected among other things depression as she had no motivation to do anything---but once again, since she never signed that proxy couldn't participate--she finally signed one the last few months of her life---You better believe I went with her---I'm explaining to the putz (LOL) about my mother's problems and he said the stupidest thing going--"Your mother doesn't look depressed to me." My mother was sitting right next to me with this cheerful smile on her face. You mean he was giving his psycho-analytical evaluation she wasn't depressed because she was smiling??? Give me a break!!

I'm actually thinking of writing a long letter addressed to her mother who might be more neutral and provide phone numbers of people who can verify what I say

One of the main problems with my mother though was that she was such a good "actress" and could come across as this sweet, innocent--but then many pathological liars are convincing--my mother had gotten so wrapped up in her lies she believed them to be fact Yes as her caregiver I was actually the one being abused as my mother was very mentally and verbally abusive to me---verbal abuse can hurt every bit as much as physical abuse No perhaps I really don't care what that woman thinks of me---still I would like to set the record straight with her for my own peace of mind

I'm sure your Mother was a brilliant actress, they all are. I'm sure she started to believe she was telling the truth too, as that's also common to most, which is what makes it so difficult for people like you to convince people these things are or do happen. You could approach this Linda and try to explain. If she will listen it might help to tell her that it's a recognised symptom of mental illness and dementia. Good luck, hope she listens.

Yes I really do want to put closure in this and yes, thinking of writing a letter to them and even include phone numbers of people who can verify what I'm saying is true and have them call these people

Sounds like a good idea. I hope it works for you. What an awful thing. I want to think it just had to do with her mental disorders and that she didn't do it to be mean. I hope you can believe that as well.

Wow! That is sad. I wonder what makes people like that. Do they need attention that badly or what?

Ya would think so . BUt guess not they just didnt look into what your mom was saying just taking her word and if they had known you better they wouldnt have listened to her.

Well no I was never real close to them, but have known the family (Linda and her mother) for 48 years! I went to school with the sister--so you would think all those years would count for something

Mommie Dearest, the Remake? My Own Mommie Dearest? Life With Mother?

Maybe I should--any ideas for a title --Mommie Dearest has already been taken..LOL

You and you Mother never had a good relationship, that is sad.

Yes I get a bee in my bonnet as well--LOL---I really do plan to set the record straight with this woman--everyone else my mother told lies to about me believed me when I began telling the truth to them--so don't know why I shouldn't at least try to set things straight with that woman

OMG--I had to read this a few times. You're right there was NO need for you to have been forgiven about what happened as it wasn't as if you assaulted him when he was fifteen but the other way around. And when he did assault his own mother at age 8 how can one say he didn't know what he was doing? I'm so fed up hearing stories about kids who either horribly assault a family member or even kill them and then they DON'T get tried as adults. Does he get any kind of psychiatric help now--since it sounds like he has a history of a violent temper--is he still that way do you know?

He assaulted his mother at the age of 11, that is why he ended up in our custody. I have no idea what he did or did not do at the age of 8, as I didn't even know him yet. When I told both my daughters about this, they were both shocked that his sister could even try to say he was 8 when he assaulted me. His only punishment was 1 yr probation and he was supposed to write a letter of apology to me, which he never did. So, he was not remorseful in any way, does not regret what he did, so he is not sorry, so I cannot forgive someone that is not asking for forgiveness. He knew full well what he was doing, knew it was WRONG, but also knew that because he was a minor, that he wouldn't really be punished. Plus, he even tried to lie further as he had threatened to me before the police showed up. HE told me that he would tell the police that I was an abusive mother to my own 2 children as well as him. So a CAS investigation ensued after the assault. I was seeing a counsellor the whole time he lived with us, to cope with his constant antics. I had made an appt. with the CAS worker who was investigating HIS allegations of me. I scheduled it right after a counselling session with my cousellor, because the offices were across the street. I went too long with my counsellor, because of the details of the assault, and I had been crying quite a bit. Finally, I got across the street to the CAS office, but unfortunately, she had to go out on a call, and I missed her. So, I just dropped off a statement, several pages long, about our life with him for the past 3 yrs, and an account of the assault for her records. But when she called me back later, she said that the receptionist was able to see the marks on me from his assault. She also told me that when she interviewed him in person, he showed her marks on his hand that he lied and said were from me biting him. She told me that it was obvious that he had JUST made them with his own fingernails. They were NOT teeth marks. So, there went his credibility with them. Not that I didn't TRY to bite him. THAT was in my statement to her and the police. When I was finally coming to, he put me into a head lock so he could continue to beat on me, to hold me immobile. I wiggled my lips and finally was able to open my mouth, and just as my teeth touched his skin to bite him as DEFENSE to get him to let me go, he loosened his grip, to prevent me from doing so. THAT is when I was able to push him off me, and there we were....face to face...now it would finally be a FAIR FIGHT. AND I WAS FROTHING MAD! I had 2 choices and I knew it. 1. Beat him senseless like he had done to me, and like he deserved, for suckering me from behind and beating me while I was unconscious; OR 2. Call the cops, and have him physically removed from my house PERMANENTLY. Obviously, I chose the latter. Because I KNEW full well, that if I even touched him he would scream ABUSE and ASSAULT himself. This way, I was completely innocent and remained that way. What really pissed me off though, was that I contacted the police and scheduled an appt for them to take pictures of my injuries for the court case. I had to convince them to do it. WTF? Then, in court, the lost them, so that's why they only gave him probation. I'm sure that if the judge had seen the marks he left on me, he would have had a stiffer sentence, 15 yrs old or not.

I want to give it the "college try". I don't like things left unresolved and want to settle this--if anything for my own piece of mind

I would too.

That's a great visualization thing---the cerebral scissors...LOL. The woman always DID strike me as a smug person who thought she was superior to everyone--talk about attitude!

Oh well...if she's smug too, then maybe you should add a beard and moustache before cutting her picture out. Just for good measure. You don't need her picture in your life mural. You can put Tukay's picture there instead