Caring for a parent that abused you...
By miamilady
@miamilady (4910)
United States
May 31, 2009 9:21am CST
Are you, or have you had to take care of your elderly parent who abused you?
Or perhaps they abused your other parent?
I imagine this situation isn't completely uncommon.
I somewhat have the responsibility of caring for my dad.
Fortunately, he wasn't physically abusive, but he was, sometimes verbally and mentally abusive. Most of his meanness was directed at my mother, but there were times when he lashed out at his children too.
I do love him. And for the most part, I've forgiven him.
I don't think he's a bad person, he just didn't know the best way to handle certain situations.
But, sometimes our past relationship makes our present relationship difficult.
I know that my brother and my sisters have similar issues.
I am the youngest of 4, so in some ways, I experience the least of his negative behavior. Or, it would be more accurate to say, I was less aware of some things simply because I was young enough not to comprehend some of what was going on.
At the same time, being the youngest also meant that from a very young age, I experienced my dad's alchoholism. Fortunately, he did stop drinking when I was a teen.
So, I'm just wondering...how many of you have had to take care of a parent that you had conflicted feelings about.
Isn't it difficult sometimes to interact with someone who was abusive toward you.
When some people get old, they become more difficult and sometimes depressed, and as their caregivers, it is up to us to give them the encouragement they need to keep living. But, when the person is someone that hurt you in the past, it can truly be difficult to continue to "to the right thing".
Does anyone else struggle with this dilemma?
5 people like this
16 responses
@DavidReedy (2378)
• United States
2 Jun 09
I've not had to care for a parent. But I related, almost word for word as the youngest growing up in a family with an abusive father. He was angry, and sometimes violent. The years go by, and he's a sad and Loving old man trying to get to Heaven... It's strange that change. I Love him immensely, and I think, like you suggested, it might be easier getting the least of the bad stuff.
DR...
@DavidReedy (2378)
• United States
3 Jun 09
The thing with human beings, and this especially applies to parenting I think, is that we swing in directions of extremism--never really happy with the moderate road. I suspect the next generations or two (assuming NWO/so-called "wars on terror", epidemics, et cetera don't kill us first) will become ultra-spineless and too permissive to be decent parents at all, and then society will need a shifting and back will come ultra-totalitarian whipping/using the rod kind of parenting. I could be wrong, but i don't think so, we're never moderate, we always go too far with everything...
dr...
1 person likes this
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
2 Jun 09
It's been interesting to see how differently we all turned out being raised in the same home. Although we were raised in the same home, by the same parents, we did apparently have very different experiences and still have different perspectives.
I grew up fearing my dad. My oldest sister, took on the role (in her words) of the protector. To this day I have a hard time standing up to my dad and disagreeing with him. That's why it's so hard for me to push him to do things he needs to do to care for himself. I tend to leave that to my sister. She's just better at it.
I was also the "son" that my brother couldn't be to him, in some ways. My brother has an extremely strained relationship with my dad, but he still makes an effort to bring his daughters down from time to time and visit with him.
My dad has mellowed quite a bit with age. He definately was a better "grandpa" than dad, but even in that area it was a bit difficult at times. He just doesn't have the patients for some of the things that young children do. Especially nowadays when we allow our kids a little more freedom. I think back in his day children were supposed to be "seen and not heard".
1 person likes this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
6 Jun 09
My father wasn't near as abusuve as he could have been if I had lived with him. I was estranged from my family for 15 years when I got a call he was passing. I went out of respect for the fact he was my father and yes..it was hard. I think it is rather common though. Children that are abused mentally or physically don't stop loving their parents..they just resent what they done. They also have "something" to prove sometimes. That they are and were not deserving of the things they done or said to them as children. My dad was an alcholic to but he never stopped. My half sisters and brother suffered more than I could ever imagine..my grandparents raised me. They were even more involved than I was..they were never estranged. They stayed with the family and took care of him. It's tough but what do you do? Take care.
1 person likes this
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
31 May 09
no I never experienced that at all, If I had then if I took care of my aging parent it would be because I had forgiven them. I have an abusive son but if he were to get sick I would care for him because I love him and that is the bottom line.
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
31 May 09
I'm so sorry to hear about your son. I wish there was some kind of advise that I could give you. I have a 13 year old son with anxiety issues. Sometimes his anxiety gets the better of him and he becomes angry. As a mother I do everything I can to help him deal with his problems and although he realizes that, there are times when he his completely disrespectful and has come close to the line of leaning toward abusive behavior. I can't imagine trying to raise him as a single mom. Although I don't always agree with his dad's approach, sometimes it's good to have his dad around to keep him in line.
1 person likes this
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
31 May 09
yes it is a bit easier with two parents but not always,
my son has mental issues, that is not easy to treat.
@worldwise1 (14885)
• United States
2 Jun 09
I've never had the responsibility of caring for an elderly parent, miamilady, but I do understand what you are saying about having ill feelings toward them. For a long time I felt that way about my mother in the early days of my adulthood because she did not raise any of us four children. I saw that as a form of abuse. As I grew older, however, I was grateful that at least she was responsible enough to place us with relatives who loved and cared for us. I missed out on being with my siblings except for vacation time each year and it was hard to forgive my mother for that, but as I grew to know her betteras an adult I reasoned that I came out of it a winner. You are doing the right thing by your father, and in time you will probably forgive him completely.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (165954)
• Boise, Idaho
2 Jun 09
I hear of this quite a bit. Verbal and mental is just as bad as the physical and can confuse and mess up a child's psyche that can follow them through all their years. It is sad to think that they must have been badly abused themselves. I know that doesn't make it okay, I just feel it is a sad fate. I was abused by grandmother verbally. She would put me down and tell me that I was useless and not alot of positive reflection from her. Strange that she is one of my favorite people in all the world even to this day. I have some wonderful memories of time spent with her. She was a marvelous human being.
1 person likes this
@gypsywoman344 (214)
• United States
1 Jun 09
You always have such good topics.
I think the secret to that type of situation is detachment. I don't mean to close yourself to you positive feelings. No, if anything give in to those more. Use those negative feeling to gain strength to deal with the day to day struggles. Remembering you got through IT and came out stronger o the other side. Even the negative things in our lives help make us who we are today.
Also make sure you have a support system in place that allows you enough time and space away. Out and about for yourself where there is nothing to do with the caregiving; not shopping for needs, taking some one to the Dr.s. etc. These things don't count. Just me time away from everything.
1 person likes this
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
1 Jun 09
Both my parents are hale and hearty now but being an only child, I know it will have to be sooner than later. They both are in their 60s and very active but I know some day they will be dependent on my help. Dad is OK, he is manageable, its mom with whom I have several issues. For one, she physically abused me when I was a child, though at that time the concept of ‘physical abuse’ was unheard of and spanking a child was the usual mode of bringing them up. But she did not spank me…she rather used to beat me everytime I opened my mouth to question her…she demanded unalloyed allegiance from her child and as I grew up, I yearned for her yet hated her too for her tyrannical character. I used to be so scared of her all the time…looking back, it was the most unhealthy way, specially for a girl to grow up.
Secondly, she is a perfectionist and easy irritable…I can count the on ten fingers, the number of times she has actually praised me in all of my 36years!
Thirdly, of the past, she remembers only the bad things and forgets the good things…she will pick up on you for any of your past mistakes or bad behaviour till you just want to snap up and walk off!
She is like this with everybody…she never appreciates, criticizes everybody and what she does is always the best. SO…when she will no longer be in the position to do herself, I will have to pitch in of course…but knowing her nature, it wont be an easy task for me.
@royal52gens (5488)
• United States
6 Jun 09
Someday, I may have to deal with a similar issue. I will rely heavily on the help of my siblings. In some ways, my parent is still verbally abusive. For the most part of my life, I have stayed 1,000 to 2,000 miles away. I still get some of the verbal over the phone. Needless to say, I don't call home often. If I had to care for this parent everyday, I would have to have a counselor on call 24/7 to keep me in check.
The more I think about this issue, the more I realize I would not be able to do it for more than a day or two. Then I would have to leave and get away from the situation. I would have to protect my own well-being and mental health. Ya know, there are some patients we should not care for. We should rely on other healthcare personnel to do what we can't or shouldn't.
Ethically, we would be doing no harm but we would also not be neglecting the patient if we called in a professional.
@Savvynlady (3684)
• United States
11 Jun 09
Well, my parents did the best they could; My mom get excited easily then say stuff to tick you off; That gives me a lot of anger and I wish I could let it roll off me. But I let folks know what I feel on them when pushed a certain point.
@megumiart (3771)
• United States
31 May 09
I did have an abusive/chaotic dad, but we're not at the point where he's dependant on anyone.
I haven't talked to him for about 6 years; since I was 12. I don't know if this is a "phase," but I'm not planning on being there for him.
He doesn't listen to anything I say, and doesn't treat me right. I don't feel that I should treat him right.
@bing28 (3795)
• Philippines
1 Jun 09
I didn't experience such an abuse from parents but should that be the case, I think it's better to forget everything he has done. What's important is to show our love and concern for them now that they needed us. Should they hurt us before maybe now they realized their wrongdoings and regretted, that if they could bring back the time too, they would change for the better. If we could forgive others, how much more our parents. Taking good care of them now that they are aging is the best thing for us to do, no matter how much we're hurt in the past. It's much pleasing to them and to God, seeing our love and concern for them despite of a little disappointing past with them. It's been said that life would be kind and be smoothly going for those who take good care of their parents in time where they need most the love of their children. Long life is the reward as well for those who do.
@VarunUK (10)
• India
1 Jun 09
Hi friend this is a nice discussion that you have started. You are right when people comes to an old age it is difficult for others to stand with them. I also had the same feeling, but I understood that it is not their problem its ours. We think in our way only, not from their side. I also got a same feeling as yours. My grandfather he was a very bad person. He usually spits out bad words around the family and even to me and my father. I hated him when I was young, but now I understand that it was because of the depression that he was facing in his life. When our parents or grandparents yell at us we feel bad, but if we think beyond that we can see it is not because they hate us, it is becuase they are facing some other situations in life that they can share with others. So, friend some peoples are bad, but we should understand them before we tell about them. Thank you for this discussion.
@russso (1693)
• Philippines
31 May 09
This is tough. I saw how my dad treats my mom. I know how much of a mama's boy he is. My mom, brother, and I have suffered so much from him - it may not be physical abuse, but we did get a lot worse than that. Physical wounds heal, but emotional wounds don't. Right now, putting myself in the situation, I don't think I can take care of a parent who has abused me. I don't see any reason why. It's so odd that you do and have done a lot mean things towards others, most especially to your family, and then when you suddenly need someone when you're old, you expect your family to take care of you. That's rather selfish and I am no martyr. We reap what we sow. Do good to others and others will do good to you too.
@russso (1693)
• Philippines
31 May 09
It's good that your dad's already humbled himself. I'm happy for you. This makes your dad different from mine. My dad isn't getting any younger and still acts as if he is that strong when in fact he has all these sicknesses already. And as for forgiveness, it's still a long way for me.
@Hedwig (283)
• China
1 Jun 09
I,myself haven't experienced this kind of situation. However, my mother's experience is sort of similiar to yours. My grandpa is a guy with bad temper and used to yell at his children and sometimes beated them because of some tiny things. He is now in his sixties and his bad temper hasn't changed much. Though my mother visits him from time to time, she never stays at his place for too long. Maybe deep down in my mother's heart she loves my grandpa, but obviously, his behavior kind of contaminated their relaitionship.
@jillmalitz (5131)
• United States
31 May 09
I have not had to deal with that. I understand that my mother's father was abusive to my grandmother as well as sometimes the kids. But in my life I have not had any problems with parents. I used to work in the office of a retirement apartment for well to do people. It had an extended care facility as part of the building. If you are not familiar with what an extended care place is, it is a higher level of care than a nursing home but not quite the hospital care. I used to talk to residents many of whom were fascinating people. I also got to know some of the caretakers of the less independent or bed bound patients. Those caretakers were angels. They told me how some of the old people were frequently surly and mean to them. Yet the caretakers knew that it was the dementia or other medical problems that made those old folks so bad. I always admired those wonderful people who put up with the cranky people. Dealing with people who have hurt you in the past is a heart wrenching thought. My first ex husband was verbally/mentally abusive. I'm glad I wont have to take care of him and my kids wont either.
@savypat (20216)
• United States
31 May 09
This is just one of the situations that points out why it's so important to forgive for our own sake. I had the care of my Mother, whom I knew always wished i had been born a different person, my biggest regret is that at the time I was to young and we never came to the point of forgiveness. There is no way to go back.
