Have I punished my daughter too harshly?

First please take a deep breath. You are going through a hard time, as mothers we all get there, you know that brick wall and feel like the only thing we can do is sit in front of it and cry, and maybe that is what you need to do. You have rules in your house, standards you expect your daughter to follow, she did not follow those rules, she did not do her homework. I do not think you should change the homework rule, maybe adjust it, Let her come in and have a snack, settle down, after all she has been at school all day long. Let her play for an hour, set a timer and when the hour is up she does homework. Or she sits at the table and does homework as you prepare dinner. (do you work, does she come right home from school etc) As far as your punishment, if you have told her no party, then no party, you have to mean what you say and say what you mean. If you let her go to the party then you are going back on your word and she is going to think well mom is not going to really punish me. I can just do as I please, she will yell, rant etc and then in a day or two she will change her mind. No if I ground you on Monday for a month then on Friday you are still grounded for a month., As lying, even if by omission, is a very serious thing, you have to be able to trust your daughter and believe what she is telling you, she also has to learn that lying is not acceptable, that breaking the household rules are not acceptable. I do not think your punishment was to harsh, you were in the heat of the moment, and it is apparent that you have come to that place in motherhood that well you just need a break. Everything is going wrong, no one listens to you, you feel like a failure. (can you tell I have been there) I suggest you get the book 1 2 3 parenting for Christian parents, do not freak out about the Christian part. They have discipline suggestions as well as ways to encourage start behaviors. Things you want your child to do, ,like homework the key points in the start behaviors is there are seven things to do to encourage good behavior 1., Positive reinforcement, when they do good you praise them to high heaven and back. 2 Simple request watch your tone of voice, when you ask something of your child, sound authoritative but not demeaning 3. Kitchen timers, set the timer and say Sarah you have ten minutes to finish what you are working on and start doing your homework, when the timer goes off it is time to start, no questions asked. Now if she argues with you it is time for punishment, at her age punishment is more effective if it is a lose of privilege. If she does not start the homework etc when the timer goes off, you count. that is one, then count to ten to yourself is she has not started the project you say that is two (the key to this you say nothing else, just the warning the count) then again if she argues or does not start you say that is three. you now can not go to the party this weekend or the pool etc. It will not take long for her to learn you mean business 4. The docking system my children earn money for making up their beds, cleaning their rooms, if I have to make up their bed or clean their rooms they have to pay me out of their money. and yes i make them give me the money. so it is a quarter for each job, if I do it they go to their banks and give me a quarter. 5 Natural consequences If she does not do her homework, she fails and repeats the grade and suffers the consequences of the home for well failing the grade 6. charting If she does her homework all week long then on Saturday she gets a treat, ice cream, a token or a no chore vocher. If you have any questions let me know and honey please try and go sit at a coffee house, read a book take some time for you. You clearly need it, and I do not say that to be mean. trust me I have been there and my kids are only five

I applaud you for the interest in your daughters education.being harsh i dont think so.you are doing something you would have loved to get when you were growing up(attention,concern and love).although i think that you should allow her to attend it,is up to you.for the sisters sake.asking the friend not to come over is already another form of punishment.you are her mother and you want the best for her.as long as you let her know that you love her and that you didnt get that kind of nurturing.she will grow up eventually and realize that you LOVE HER VERY MUCH.

You don't mention how old her sister is but I hav a sister and I know that if I was young I would want my sister to be at my birthday. You have grounded her to mid-June so why not let her go to the birthday party? It's perhaps not fair on your other daughter to ban her sister from her party.

Hi Fran429, No, do not allow your eldest daughter go to her siblings party. Yes, I understand that once we have calmed down and look back at the things we said we usually, well I do anyway, feel that we have been a little too harsh but if you start going back on what you said your daughter will look on you as a soft touch. Believe me, in this day and age with the way a lot of the children act towards their parents, that is not what you want. I myself have an exceptionally cheeky and rude 11 year old son After grounding him for weeks at a time and being told by my husband that grounding just doesn't work, we have come up with a points system, for good behaviour. He can recieve 2 points for clearing the dinner table and another 2 for keeping his bedroom tidy and so on but he loses points for being asked twice and more for backchat. Needless to say, at this moment in time he is at -4 points. We will see how it works. All I am trying to say is you're not a bad parent, don't ever think that. You had a bad beginning and you're trying to do your best for your children. As long as discipline is done with love, which is exactly how you are doing it, you and your family will be fine. It may be worth your while going to talk to somebody, a third party maybe as you do sound very stressed out about everything at the moment and you may benefit from some sensible advice from someone in the know.

Something to try for next year (since this year is almost over), try checking her homework before she is allowed to do anything else. Not necessarily for the right answers, but just to make sure it is done. The teachers would probably be willing to send an email (or post somewhere on the internet) what the homework is. That way you will know exactly what she has to get done. Does your daughter want to be at her sister's birthday party? If she doesnt want to go, then staying in her room wont be a problem. If she does want to go, perhaps her punishment can be helping with the setup and clean up. With that, I think I would let her go.

It will all work out for you in the end. My step daughter was that way and I can tell you from experience that eventually taking things away doesn't work anymore. If you go too far with it they seem to become immune. As far as the party goes, I'd let her, but for her sister's sake. It isn't fair to disclude her from family activities when you've already taken everything else away. I know it's easy to get over upset and go to extremes, but all in all you can never force someone to be the way you want them. Keep trying. If you need to change tactics and try whatever you have to until something works. The most important thing is that you have a good relationship together.

I think making her stay in her room during the party would be too harsh for both of the girls. The younger girl won't be able to have fun at her party knowing that her sister is under punishment. I think not letting her invite a friend for herself will be punishment enough on that regard. I think if this has been an ongoing problem with the homework, your current punishment is also in line with the offense. Also, the lying needs to be nipped in the bud. Hopefully this will be the last time it rears it's ugly head. However, you still have the teenage years to look forward to.

First of all being in school all day and coming straight home just to do home work come on give the child a break let her enjoy some time alone watch tv play a game then have her do home work why you punishing her for not doing her home work sit down and help her.let her goto the party and yes you are way to harsh let me crumble up your school work cause it wasnt done and then you redo it!

Have I punished my daughter too harshly.......... Hello there, Let me just say that I'm a parent so I know exactly what you are going through. The main thing that you have to remember as a parent is to say what you mean and mean what you say. If you tell you daughter something but you don't stick to what you say, she will learn not to pay you any attention and she won't take you seriously. There is one of a few ways that you can look at this situation. For one thing the incident which happened when you found out that your daughter hadn't done her homework is behind you now. So you could just forget about it and attempt to make a new start with your daughter. I'm not here to ridicule you about your parenting skills because all parents have their share of challenges with children that are stubborn, strong willed and or just plain not motivated. You will have to dig down deep inside of yourself to muster up the courage and patience it will take in order to deal with your daughter's personality. Because you didn't have parents that cared about your homework is the reason why you seem to lack the proper parenting skills. Even still you must not run away from it all. You could tell your husband that you need help. Then suggest that he take more time to help your daughter with the homework. Or the two of you could take turns helping her out. Two months on and two months off. Maybe that way your daughter wouldn't get bored. It seems that she enjoy those walks with her dad so you should not take those away. Overall it sounds as if you and your hubby need to work more closely together and then your daughter will learn that she can't play between the two of you because you both will be supportive or each other......Now as far as you not allowing her to attend her sister's birthday party, I don't think that would be right but it's up to you and you know your family better than anybody else does. You will have to decide what is going to work best for the family as a whole. Good luck and best wishes. PS: Don't be so hard on yourself, you are not a bad parent. You are simply lacking a few skills and you could get better by reading a few good books on parenting. Or you might even want to consider going into counseling. Both you and your hubby..........

Don't you love this age? HAHA. You're not a bad parent. I think thenextnoel gave you very sound advice. I am having to regroup and get a hold on my oldest. She has learned to read me. She has such a since of humor when she smiles you have to smile and when you are upset with her she will either try to cheer you up or she will pull the "You don't love me" speech. Consistency is everything. I think if you told your daughter no birthday party for her then no party. Allow her to sit and watch all the other children have fun and remind her maybe next time she won't lie to you. If you let her go to the party make it only as a ceremonial aspect. She can eat the cake but she has to help set up, and clean up and she can NOT participate in the games or fun activities. That way she celebrates her younger sis birthday. The sister might be upset if the older daughter doesn't sing "happy birthday" and have cake. I would set them down together and let them know what you decided as far as the party. Count to ten before you ever punish. You need to think of suitable punishment that you can live with. Once it's said, you need to stick to it. Good luck because you are at the tween age and it's difficult for you and your daughter. Think of punishments for the crimes. Like she has set rules, so she needs set punishments.

I would let her go to the party she is already being punished from everything else till June 23. One party is not a big deal unless she really doesn't want to go. I will pray for you to find the patience in raising your precious children. God Bless!

Don't worry fran, don't be too hard on yourself and your daughter. In our country we don't have this type of punishment system but i do still it is a nice way to show your disapproval. I think you should allow your daughter to attend her sister's b'day party. Probably you can tell her that since she was being obedient during the grounding you have reduced her punishment. I understand your concern as a mother but a harsh treatment will make her resent against you. Children do play pranks we as parents should just monitor that it does not become a part of their routine, that's it :)

You're not a bad parent - FYI! I think that you are right to be past frustration, plus she lied about it, so that just makes it worse. I think it would be VERY difficult for me to carry out that punishment; HOWEVER, if you do...you will certainly send the message that you mean business...on the other hand, in 15 years when you're all sitting around the table at Thanksgiving and looking at old pictures...do you want to be reminded that she wasn't in the pictures because she didn't do her homework? That's a tough decision, I honestly, would probably break down and let my son go, but not invite a friend maybe?? Or just go for a limited amount of time to show her that you mean it this time and what she did was unacceptable.

Well she did the homework didn't she? So I don't see what the problem is. Your pretty much punishing her for nothing. Also even though you said not to. That is horrible parenting. 10 days of school left and you ground her for not doing homework?

So sorry about all your troubles... Kids can have that kind of effect on their parents and just because you lost it that does not mean that you are a bad parent. Sometimes, we reach our limits as parents... I think that letting your daughter invite a friend over to keep her company during the party is a good thing. That will ease the tension between you and your daughter. :)

Let's face it parenting is really hard. But I think you should at least let her go to her sibling's party. I guess you are feeling a lot of stress because you wanted to let your daughter know that you care a lot about her studies. I feel you were also making it a point that you would never be like your parents who let you do things on your own without a care at all. Don't be too hard on yourself, you did what you can to make her realize her priorities. But you know kids, they love to weasel out of work. Just try to be firm with her but also let her know that you can be cool too. Lastly, I also think you should talk to your husband about being partners when it comes to imposing rules and discipline. It will lessen the burden if you share the load! Hope this helps!

I have an only daughter, so I have never been faced with the issue you have. However, I feel that it might be a bit harsh, I agree with not letting her have the friend there, but, the party is a potential memory for her and her sister to enjoy for years to come. as for the homework thing. sounds like to me, you have a very strong minded child on your hands... this is a good/bad thing. When they are strong m inded.... if you can get them to do what needs done.. then... when they put their miinds to something.. they will get it done!... I have a very strong minded little girl also... shes going to be entering 3rd grade. school work is extremely important to me, and she likes to test what I tell her. I went through the same.. screaming fights as you. It took a couple of approaches to get her straightened out. There were end of the school parties, trips and such, so, if she didnt get her homework done, or didnt concentrate in school, the papers got put into a folder... unable to be brought home, she could only do them on recess, or during times when she finished the rest of her work for the day... It didnt take her but one week to catch up that way... takes alot of cooperation between teacher/parent. I also had problems with her reading... she went into school way behind reading level t his year because of a bad school year last year. but at the school she went to if they read at least 100 book, and got 50 ar points they could get a gold medal for reading... she informed me that she wanted one. (however.. i was not informed about all of this until we had mearly 2 or 3 weeks to do... ) not an easy task for a 2nd grader that is behind anyway. So, we would get books and books and books.. (as the school doesnt have all of the ar tests out there.. they are to expensive)... and then.. she would read a book, maybe two.. and get all whiney.. and argumentive... and refuse to read... then I would get mad.. and she would get madder... but we had to figure something out because.. I figure she needs to learn that when you want something you ahve to really work for it. I then decided.. this isnt going to work... so we would go to the library... and she would get a stack of books... and we would race... I mostly beat her.. but i also let her beat me some too. then we would get books and take them home and sit here and do the same thing... you might try racing her... doesnt have to be the same thing she is doing.. but.. it could be some paperwork that you need to do, figure your check book.. whatever... read a book you want.. ect... just something so that you can make it like a race for your child. Its at least worth a shot. Good luck on having a strong minded child.. seems to be a completely hard task... but always remember,,,, shes worth the effort.. as are you.. if you are like me.. the anger really sucks.. and hurts.. then you feel all guilty.. but.. you know your point is correct.. just not always the method of conveying it... keep your chin up... and just try things until you get it done... I dont think you need to worry so much about people putting you down either.. even if your punishment seems harsh to them.. tell me a parent that hastn lost it something or other... just if you feel its not working.. try something new.... and you dont have to listen to all the books.. or advice... or at least not all of it.. no one punishment is going to work with all children... create the one that works for yours.

Hi fran...I completely understand your frustration even though my child is nowhere near school age yet. However I do have one criticism - just a little one. Your husband needs to be on board with you at all times when it comes to the upbringing of your children. He should also be asking your daughter if she has done her homework before HE allows her to go for the walk with him. He is responsible too. When my son acts up we both discipline him because if we are both not on the same page then the child can play one against the other and that's not good for the family. As for the party - I understand that you want her to have some discipline. However I think you should allow her to attend the party since it's a family thing. I think she should be allowed to have a friend also. I think you might build resentment for her sibling if you don't. But I do think that you should keep on caring for her and making sure that her homework is completed. Could it be possible that she's having a hard time with it so she avoids it? Does she get along with everyone at school? Are there other reasons why the homework isn't being done? Sometimes the children are not so open with their feelings and they do things we don't necessarily understand. I don't think you're a bad parent - you're just going through a rough patch with your daughter. I know you'll get through it soon. I wish you well.

Tough love! I had it growing up and I turned out just fine! I say if doing what you did worked and puts her back on track, I say go for it!

No I wouldn't let her go. I think u may have over reacted when u found out she lied but thats normal. She lied and there should be consequences for her actions. Letting her go to the party is not following through with punishment. Which means, more than likely she'll do it again. All she's doing testing your limits. Stand firm, say what you mean and mean what you say. She'll get over it.