How would you react? Or am I just taking things out of proportation?
By sjvenden27
@sjvenden27 (1840)
United States
June 9, 2009 3:37am CST
I am a single mother of a three year old boy. I have major back problems. I have been dating this guy for over a year now... He came and visited me this last weekend.. My cousin graduated high school!!! I am so proud of her!!
During the ceromory my son was having problems with the loud music and all of the people.. So I had him on my lap for just about the entire time.. When it was done, he carried him down the stairs and into the hallway.. then started to complan about his chest. (he is a heart patient) I figured ok he is just going to go outside to get some air.. So I was carrying my son while we were waiting for the rest of our party to meet.. Which is fine, granted I am in serve pain, but cooping.. I was happy that I was there.. We all get outside.. What is he doing??? Walking around with a cigeritte in his mouth!!! Like thats going to help his chest pains... So I was very upset... when we were walking to the car he finally decided that he could take my son back... Then later at the party... I helped get a couple things ready, then I went outside.. When it was time to eat... What does he do? Grabs food for himself, while I am waiting for him to come back outside so I could get him a plate.. (Inside it was very crowd and would have been easy to lose track of my son.. so I waited) I asked him if he could please watch him so i could get some food for him... sure... then my son follows me into the house, and my boyfriend was siting smoking yet another cigarette... so I get him sat down and went on with the day.. I didnt say anything there because I was not going to wreck my cousin's graduation party.. But then when we got home and I confronted him about all of it.. First he said that he just needed fresh air and that if he would have took my son with he would have been to rambuous.. And then about the food, he said oh it was just on my way out.. I was talking to some people inside.. My question to you is, being a single mom with phyiscal problems, how would you react? Or am I just taking things out of proportation?
2 people like this
7 responses
@zurttj (2)
• United States
10 Jun 09
I think that your boyfriend/girlfriend will give you signs through dating that show wether or not they are right for you. Given your situtation I would say you would need a person he takes on a more sympathetic role in the relationship. If this man seems selfish, out for himself then you decide if that is what you need/don't need.
3 people like this
@sjvenden27 (1840)
• United States
11 Jun 09
That is a very good point! Thank you very much for you straight forward honest opinon!
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@AlyssaCB (68)
• Canada
10 Jun 09
He probably didnt want to smoke around your son, and thought you could hold him for a couple mins he probably needed a smoke for awhile, and couldnt leave because of the ceremony. i can understand where you are coming from. but on the other hand i can see where he is coming from, although i dont agree with him taking food and not offering to watch your son while you can get him food, i mean he is only 3.
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@sjvenden27 (1840)
• United States
11 Jun 09
I think that is the part of the whole thing that bothered me the most.. Granted when he is out on the road, he only has to worry about himself.. I do not think it should be hard for him to adjust when he does come home.. I did confront him on that partiucal issue; and he told me that he was busy talking to some people.. Which is he a talker and does lose track of time... Would it be wrong for me to ask him to think first, when its close to meal time and we are at a social event, Oh yea, he needs to have some food.. Or is that just something that I should have prearranged?
2 people like this
@Ravenladyj (22902)
• United States
9 Jun 09
hhmmm well in all honesty I dont know how i would have reacted...I probably would have been ticked off but at the same time i would have realized that he is MY son and if I were single I'd have had to deal with it regardless..It would annoy me though UNLESS it was a one time thing....I mean if a guy I was dating back in the day was like htat ALL the time...he'd be out the door right quick....If however it was a very rare occurance I'd take into consideration the fact htat maybe it was something more than what I was aware of or something ya know..
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@sjvenden27 (1840)
• United States
9 Jun 09
That makes sense, thank you for sharing
2 people like this
@oyenkai (4394)
• Philippines
16 Jun 09
I am no expert on this and this is my point of view based on the information that you gave, pardon if it's harshly put:
You're boyfriend is inconsiderate and is not "father material" - which is one of the two things you need in man right now (the other thing is "husband material" of course). If a guy could not put his girlfriend's needs and his girlfriend's son's needs especially in a special occasion like a party (it doesn't happen everyday), then he'd do worse in "every day routines".
I think that the best thing to do here is to examine your situation with severity. You're obviously attached to him but it's evident that you're not ready to say he's worth a lifetime. What about speaking about this with your best (girl)friend. Better if your friend is well acquainted with your boyfriend so she could tell you what she honestly thinks about him.
Good luck in your relationship, and stay strong for your wonderful son.
Thanks for the response on my discussion :)
2 people like this
@sjvenden27 (1840)
• United States
19 Jun 09
Your welcome, and thank you for your honest opinion.. really would not want it any other way.. With how this discussion has been going I thought that I was totally insane and may be self fish for thinking this way... I have talked to him about it and explained my disappointments to him.. Not sure if he will like whats being said if he would ever log into mylot.. but well these are feelings that I have, and well I am working on communication, its not one of my strong suites with the person face to face... I tend to freeze up, and/or my mind goes blank, or I just chicken out.. I know that is not the best way to live my life because that is not something that I would like my son to pick up with his life...
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@vanilla_28 (176)
• Malta
9 Jun 09
I can imagine how hard and painful it must be to bring up a child alone, and also having personal health problems. However, it is your main duty and responsability to look after your child, and of nobody else. I think that he had the right to choose to carry your child or not, and you cannot force him to do so. Afterall, he is dating you to spend time with you, and not to babysit your child.
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@sjvenden27 (1840)
• United States
9 Jun 09
Very True.. I guess I should have added that my boyfriend has proposed, wants to get married and adopt my son... does that change your opinon at all?
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@vanilla_28 (176)
• Malta
9 Jun 09
Well, now you have to make the BIG decision and see what's best for you and your child! Good luck
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@sjvenden27 (1840)
• United States
9 Jun 09
Yes I do, I always have my son's interest in mind, I do not want to do anything to harm my child.. I am new at this whole dating scene.. When I was 17 I got married.. before that I had may be two or three serious relationship... So I am trying to figure out what is ok, what is good, and what not to do!
2 people like this
@macdingolinger (10386)
• United States
9 Jun 09
Man, I hope he's not as bad as you made him sound. He sounds like a very self-consumed, selfish, self-centered, and unserving man. A relationship takes two to build, but it sounds like he is only worried about himself and he doesn't even do that too well since he smokes with "heart problems". My question to you would be why were you waiting to fix him a plate? He doesn't seem too intersted in helping you.... with anything. Is he there for the free ride or what? I vote you'd be better off totally alone than alone while you are with someone else!
@sjvenden27 (1840)
• United States
9 Jun 09
Thank you for your opinon.. I was starting to think that I was crazy or something... Dont get me wrong, I also smoke but my son always comes first.. For the last year or so I have been just letting things just be whatever, go with the flow... but now I had two wonderful ladies that taught me that I needed to stand on my own two feet... and if there is something that I do not like I need to say something and not just, "let it go"....He knows that he is on the verge of losing me.. because of his selfish ways... I wanted to see what other fellow mylotters have to say...
2 people like this
@SandynPaul (171)
• United States
11 Jun 09
He is selfish, I would have reacted the exact same way, probably felt the same way and seen the same negatives situation as you describe. The fact that you feel that way so much so that the flow is not working for you anymore and you realize it enough to say so basically in so many words should really be bringing forth the clarity you so easily decribed, as you saw it, felt and typed up. Bottom line, you have said how you felt, and how you have dealt. If you are still feeling, that way that you were before then you wanted confirmation that it's ok. I can't tell you that, honestly you are the only one who can decide that. So far you have decided not to answer, nor call him a fiance and have conflicting feelings in the middle. You need to search within yourself and answer. Until you do you cannot decide for yourself. Bouncing helps and I see you have learned to do that well. Now I suggest you look inside yourself and then at your situation, being a single mom and making the best decision you can for yourself that puts you and your child in front of all. Because bottom line you still have to raise your child, and live your life as you see fit. If it works with him you have to take him as he is. I say this only because at least from my experience I can't change my spouse, and I am sure he can't change me. We have to be able to express our feelings and somehow make it work the best for each of us as time goes by, trying our best to not loose our own self as we live.
@sjvenden27 (1840)
• United States
11 Jun 09
I agree with you, regardless of where I am at, or what I am doing with my life I will always be a mother first. Now that I have realized that the only way that I can truely be happy is to be myself, and not change the way I do thing, or the way I think by a drop of a hat.. I am starting to see things with both eyes wide open, without any blinders.. I understand that I can not change him, only he can do that willingly... There is nothing that I can say or do, its his decision to make. I guess I am just a little lost on what I should not budge on, and what is workable.. Finding that line and sticking to it.. Standing on the fence is no longer an opinon.. It would not be fair to anyone in this situation. I am just filled with self doubt, not sure if I am making the right move or not.. Learning to figure things out for myself.. and well that is something that I really have not had to do in the past.. There was always someone there telling me what to do or say.. I like the independance, I know that I have some growing up yet to do..
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