Is it time to trust again?
By reinydawn
@reinydawn (11643)
United States
June 18, 2009 8:44am CST
About 4 years ago - almost exactly - I had an incident with my step-son that left a pretty bitter feeling with me. Well, it happened about 4 years ago, but we didn't find out about it until a couple months later.
Right before my husband and I got married, we went to my brothers house for the weekend to celebrate my neices graduation. My son, who was 21 at the time, stayed home to watch the house and the dog. That wasn't a problem because he's stayed at home before when I was gone for the weekend, and nothing too terribly bad had ever happened. He asked if he could have some friends over - which he's done before - and I told him the same thing I always did - "Stay out of trouble and don't trash the house." Well, when we got home, our house was TRASHED! I was totally shocked and very disappointed. There were broken doors, someone had slept in my bed, booze that my father used to drink that my step-mother gave me after he passed away was GONE... This was so not like my son and he knew I was disappointed. When I told him that he would NEVER have friends over again he kept telling me "My friends don't act like this."
We found out a few months later that my son and his soon-to-be-step-brother planned this party. My son was trying to "welcome" him to the family and kinda show him how we operated. Of course my step-son and his friends didn't understand that all they had to do was be cool about it, obey the rules and life would be good. My son broke the doors trying to get these kids out of the bedrooms. He kicked them all out because they were totally out of control. My step-son told my son that he'd own up to it and take care of it. Well, he didn't, but my son didn't rat him out, he took the entire blame for it. Until a few months later when we were going away again and my son wasn't able to go because of his work schedule. He again asked if he could have some friends over and I said "NO, the last time you had friends over they trashed the house." I told him I'd get someone else to watch the house if that was his plan. He then told us what REALLY happened. Needless to say, it was a horrible weekend. My step-son first denied it, then when we found out that his mother sat there and watched the whole thing he had no choice but to own up to some of it.
I haven't trusted him since and I don't really care for him much. He's flat out said that he doesn't owe either me or my son an apology for what he did - the trashing of the house as well as the lying about it and actually LAUGHING while I punished my son for it.
Now, this weekend, some 4 years later, we need someone to watch the house and dog because both my husband and I and my son will be gone. I really didn't want to, but I asked my husband to see if his son - who is now 21 - will stay over Saturday to take care of the dog. I have other people I can ask, but I need to see if I can trust this kid. I know my husband was extremely happy to see that I'm willing to give it a chance, but I am not sure about what's going to happen. He hasn't matured much at all, and I really think this might be a bad idea... This is definitely a big intersection for us and I know it can go either way. Although I'm hoping it turns out well, I'm afraid it wont.
A few things I don't want to do, but probably should are:
Hide the alchohol
Lock out bedroom door
Hide the Wii
Block the Pay Per View
Drain the hottub
What would you do? Leave it to test him or make sure everything is safe?
3 people like this
13 responses
@Raven7317 (691)
• United States
18 Jun 09
I think it's time to trust again, but within limits. You are already giving him an astronomical amount of trust by leaving him in charge of your HOME and PET. This is enough of a test. Further protecting your home and your possessions will only remove temptation and provide you with more peace of mind.
I would take the steps that you mentioned; remove valuables, lock your room, remove the booze, block the PPV. I don't know that I would drain the hottub, maybe lock it... Water and the chemicals are expensive! (We have one too)
I would also enlist the services of a neighbor, ask him to keep an eye on the house and let you know if there is any inappropriate activity going on there.
I wouldn't hesitate either to be open and honest with him. If he wants to get back into your good graces and be a trusted member of your family, he needs to show he's responsible and respectful of what your asking him to do. Tell him what he CAN and CANNOT do and tell him there will be consequenses to face.
Best of luck.
2 people like this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
18 Jun 09
I am going to have someone drive by just to check on things. I'm not telling my husband though because he'll tell his son. And or order to see if I trust him I have to give him the illusion of trust.
Because of our relationship, I will leave it up to my husband to make sure his son knows what we do and don't expect. They've made it quite clear that it's not my place to tell his kids what to do. But, if something does happen again, then he will definitely hear from me about it, I won't let it go again.
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
19 Jun 09
All of our children were teens/young adults when we got together and his were raised to not treat "extended" family like real family. They have absolutely no respect for me so talking to my step-son would be like talking to the sidewalk. I know that, I accept that, but if my husband can't instill some sort of respect in him over this whole thing then I will speak up.
Unfortunately, my husband treats my kids a bit standoffish because he thinks they're going to act like his kids. It's taken a while but he's almost gotten used to the idea that he can actually talk to my son about what's going on in the house and stuff.
We shall see though, I'm just hoping that I'm worrying over nothing...
@Raven7317 (691)
• United States
18 Jun 09
That's a little rough, huh? You can't speak up about things that you do and do not want happening in your own home just because the offender may not be your child? That's rough... What about on the other hand? Does your husband tell your children what to do and not do?
But okay, if that is what works and that's what you've agreed to, then okay... maybe you're right, the 'rules' discussion may be better respected coming from your husband....
I'd agree that having someone drive by to check up on things is a good move and if it's going to cause issues with your husband, then it's better left unsaid... play it off as a coincidential drive by...
Best of luck to you.
1 person likes this
@friendship4lyfe (520)
• Saint Lucia
19 Jun 09
I think what you are trying to do is very good as a mom.You should give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him to make his own choice of what he should and shouldnt do this time around.But before leaving ensure to remind him of the things that are allowed and those that arent.He may realize that second chance or not so try to keep your mind open and show him some trust.
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
20 Jun 09
Thank you. Although I still have my doubts, I do think this is the right thing to do - even if it doesn't turn out right... I'm hoping everything will be ok.
@Debs_place (10520)
• United States
19 Jun 09
I would have concocted something a few weeks earlier and asked the ss to watch the house..then just go down the street to see what happens. If he starts up, drive up..oops we don't feel good and end the whole thing. If it looks kosher..then do spend the night some place locally just to get away for the evening.
It might be too late.
Can you get a neighbor to watch out for people coming and going?
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
19 Jun 09
I didn't find out until Tuesday that my son wasn't going to be home so it's very last minute. I'm going to have a couple of the people in the neighborhood just keep an eye out for me though, just in case...
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
19 Jun 09
I don't know as I would go that far. I mean, hopefully, he has grown up some from that stage a few years back. Still you said he hasn't changed much. If it were me, I wouldn't leave him in charge for an entire weekend...the trust would have to be built back slowly. The fact that he shows no remorse speaks loudly. The fact that you feel you need to lock up things and hide things, block things tells me that you really don't trust him....I'd go with my gut. I would not leave my house and all my belongings in someone's care that I did not trust. It actually sounds like you are going to more extremes to try to trust him than he has done to re-build your trust. Another thing that jumps out at me is the mom who sat there and watched? What was that all about?
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
20 Jun 09
My husband's x is a total idiot. I don't think she's changed in 4 years either!
I don't spend too much time with my step-son, we used to see him once a week, but not now even that much. My husband talks to him a lot and thinks he's growing up, but just because he's in the police academy, and took a few classes at college doesn't mean he's matured. I just hope he's smart enough to realize that if he has a wild party and the neighbors call the cops then he's probably going to get in trouble at the academy on Monday. I'm really relying more on that than I am on him.
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
19 Jun 09
Hey reiny~ I absolutely don't blame you for being skeptical!
I would certainly be too! And if you say that this kid hasn't
changed and couldn't even apologize for what he did I definitely
would be wary too! But, if you want to give him a second chance
then it's up to you! Honestly, I would defintely think twice!
If there was someone else to take care of the dog I would
let them! But, if he was even the slightest bit afraid of
what his father would think if he messed up again then I might
give him a chance, otherwise no way!
2 people like this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
19 Jun 09
He could really care less what his father thinks some times - they're just starting to mend fences after a pretty bitter time. And a tiny part of me is actually hoping that he does act like an idiot just to prove that I'm right and he hasn't grown up any. He's just very smug about things and all "high and mighty" about himself. I'd just love to knock him off that pedestal! Of course I'd like him to prove me wrong because I know my husband needs to think his kid is great.
What a dilema!
@jellymonty (2352)
•
19 Jun 09
well its good that you are willing to give him another chance but if I were in your shoes I would most certainly not do that.. if he is still immature and irresponsible then well its most likely you will be back to 4 years ago.. I say find somebody you can trust who is more responsible and mature so at least you can enjoy your weekend in peace and not worry that your house will be a trash can when you get back. Let him earn your trust completely before you can trust him again to this responsibilty.
2 people like this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
19 Jun 09
Unfortunately it's very short notice - I didn't find out until 2 days ago that my son wasn't going to be home. And, I know that my husband really wants to be able to trust his son, that's important to him. I'm just hoping that it all goes well and I'm being an idiot for worrying.
@ElusiveButterfly (45940)
• United States
19 Jun 09
Once bitten, twice shy. I would take the precautions that you mentioned. If you feel comfortable leaving him alone to watch your house then go ahead. But let him know the ground rules before hand. Good luck to you.
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
19 Jun 09
It's just that it's kinda hard to see what he's going to do if we tell him that he's not allowed to destroy the house like he did last time. And if we treat him like a baby about it - instead of the soon-to-be-cop that he is - then he will get an attitude and leave us hanging. I just never had this kind of problem with my kids - not that they were perfect - so I'm not exactly sure how to handle it...
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
20 Jun 09
We're only going to be gone one night, and I've got someone keeping an eye out on things for me. I'm hoping we'll be all right...
@moondancer (7433)
• United States
18 Jun 09
Well since he is still not a responsible person and has not grown up yet. I'd do the same things that you are doing. I'd make sure there was nothing left to chance and I'd tell him that he is not to have anyone in the home. Maybe 1 friend and that is the limit. Just so he will have someone to talk to. But if he can't even be trusted with that I would say no one else is allowed in the house for any reason. He can call his friends on the phone if he needs someone to talk to.
I'd also make sure that my jewelry box was no where in sight oe anything else of importance is either.
2 people like this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
19 Jun 09
He should be old enough (and smart enough) to do the right thing. And I'm going to let him decide what's the right thing. I know it's a chance, but I need to know if I can trust him without treating him like a baby. And if he's going to be an idiot, his father needs to know that too. I'm really hoping that he's not going to be an idiot because he's training to be a police officer and that would just not be too smart...
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
21 Jun 09
I would lock up everything and if he wants to have a party they can buy their own booze. I would trust him in the house but you do not have to be stupid about the whole thing.
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
22 Jun 09
I was pleasantly surprised. Nothing went on and everything was in order. I don't know that I'd trust him for a whole week, but he did good this one time.
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
26 Jun 09
Well, we're going to need him to watch the house again in a couple weeks - possibly for 3 nights... I do hope he's turned over a new leaf!
1 person likes this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
25 Jun 09
Lets hope he has grown up now
1 person likes this
@SusanLee (1920)
• United States
18 Jun 09
I think you're doing everything just right. I can see where you really need to try this again. Hopefully he'll prove himself to be trustworthy, if not, then you won't have to wonder about it, your husband will have to understand why you feel the way you do.
Speaking of your husband, how did he hold his son accountable when the truth came out. As for the kids mom, she was there watching them destroy your house?
I would probably put away and valuables too like jewelry and stuff.
2 people like this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
18 Jun 09
My husband was trying very hard to not be the bad guy so he pretty much let it slide. Things were really bad with his kids then because of the mother (I think, not much proof, but it looked like it).
The mother actually tried to use it against us in court. She said that while we were away, she was in her van, down the street from our house, watching as my 21 year old son allowed all these underage kids to bring booze into the house and get drunk. She then watched these underage kids get into their cars after drinking all night and drive away. Her lawyer pretty much told her she'd be an idiot if she tried that.
I'm very nervous about this weekend, but I'm determined to let things go their course and see what happens.
@marcyyyy (517)
• United States
19 Jun 09
No,No and triple NOOOOO! I wouldn't trust him with anything yet!!! He's only 21, still immature, didn't apologize to you, laughed about everything, and is probably planning to do it again. I know he was 17 at the time, but it sounds scary to me. Is there anyone else you can trust? If you live near me, I"D watch your house, and keep all the doors LOCKED!! Don't be gone long, and maybe have a neighbor check on it?? Good luck!!!
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
20 Jun 09
I do have a neighbor down the street who's going to do some "drive-bys" for me tonight. We're only going to be gone tonight and he's got plans for most of the day. He wont even get here until about 8 tonight and he's got a huge test to study for with the police academy on Monday.
My kids stayed at home by themselves way before they were 21 - before they were 17 in fact - and I hardly had any problems with them. I want to be able to treat my step-son like I do my own sons, and this will tell me if I can or not. I know it's a big leap of faith and I hope he proves I'm wrong!!!
@marcyyyy (517)
• United States
20 Jun 09
Oh, if he's studying to be a policeman...that shouldv'e changed him. Also, if you're only gone for the day and a neighbor is doing drive-bys, it sounds okay to me. I'll be when he's in that academy, he'll really grow up!!! It'll be good for him...sure, give him a chance! Yes, I was left alone at home at age 13, and it was never a problem. Guess I was a goody two shoes, but I used to blast my music when no one was home, but that didn't cause any trouble. Good luck, and I'll bet everything will be all righgt!
1 person likes this
@FinanciallySMART (41)
• Jamaica
18 Jun 09
Well it commendable that u are willing to give it another chance. Just hope for the best. Persons deserve second chances and if this incident repeat itself them talk with your husband and let him know how disappointed you are. Also remember that love and forgiveness walks hand in hand.
2 people like this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
19 Jun 09
I am really trying to trust him, and I hope I'm doing the right thing. We'll find out in a couple days!
