I need some help with my son

You have a tween-ager (not quite a teen yet but flexing their independence). When my daughter was ten, she loved to throw a fit (she is 6'1" tall) anytime I would ask her to do the dishes. One day I was listening to Keven Leman on the radio. Kevin writes a lot of good books on child rearing and he has such a great sense of humor. He was really an obnoxious kid growing up and that has helped him help others. He is now a grandpa and has many good stories and excellent advice. Anyway, I digress. I was listening to him on the radio and a lady called in that said her son (around ten) would throw fits when he didn't want to do something and threaten to strip down naked and run out in the back yard. I loved the advice that Kevin gave. He said to just get out a camera and calmly tell the kid to go ahead and she should be ready to take pictures to share with his friends. The kid never threatened his mother again with this. I took Kevin's advice on the camera and prepared it ahead of time and tucked it away. The next time my daughter threw a fit, I pulled the camera out and aimed it in her direction as she was jumping up and down. She froze in mid tantrum and asked what I was doing. I replied that I was taking pictures to remember this moment and maybe we could share the pictures with her friends when they came over. Guess what? No more tantrums and I walked away with a smile on my face. Here is the url for Dr. Leman's latest book. http://www.drleman.com/store/parenting-books/have-a-new-kid-by-friday/prod_43.html He has many good books that can be checked out of the library. My sisters and I are sharing this particular one and passing it around amongst us. Now that you have the anger under control, here's a way to put a little humor into the whole child rearing thing and come out with a smile on your face and peace in your house. There have been many times that I have told God that He made my daughter and now I needed some good understanding on how to handle one thing or the other. When my daughter reached her mid twenties, she told me one day that I was so lucky because she was such an easy child to raise. I guess that depends on what perspective you are coming from. She is a good kid and I know your son is too. Hang in there. You will make it and so will he.

Hi Sudipta! I may tell you that this problem is very common that kids watching their favourite programmes like cartoon etc. and not allowing in any other person in the family to view his/her choice of programme(s). They seem addicted to me to cartoons etc., my own son does the same thing, despite repeated reminders that he should limit his viewing time and should do something else also, besides watching TV. I think, if you have one TV in your home, then the problem may persist, it will not be easy to persuade your son, not to watch his choice of programmes on TV. Dividing time on TV is one of the ideas. He can shuffle his timings, so that you could also watch your daily soaps/serials, because cartoon films keep coming the entire day and on more than one channel. And the other solution to your problem could be to buy another TV set, so that you could see your own programme. If buying another TV is not possible then there is one more option, as you have already bought a computer, you can buy a TV tuner kit/cord, which will link your TV to computer Monitor and you can see your TV programmes on your PC. Best of Luck!

I can understand the situation. It is the case with children of that age in almost every household. My niece , who is just 4.5 years of age, many times act like that. we get angry but she is too little to understand the way she is hurting or disturbing others.Talk to him at other times and make him understand what is the thing he is doing.

To be honest he sounds like he is taking over or trying to he sees the tv as a way of getting your attention ,my son was the same ,it was brushing his teeth would not do it,I got in a state about it ,then I did not he brushed his teeth without any trouble.Tell him straight then do what you want and ignore his protests, once he realises you are not taking any notice he will stop,but then he will move on to something else.It will be a constant struggle with something or rather,when he is good go crazy ,say well done ,arn't you helpful.arn't you clever.He is trying to get your attention and will go to any lengths to get it.What ever you do don't argue with him that will add fuel to his fire,send him to his room if he does not do what he is told.It will work after a while,you won't get any common sense from him for a while just bear with it,this is what I did,I walked away from a row so many times ,sent him to his room,made myself stay calm.When all else failed I smacked him around the back of the legs, he soon got fed up with that,just a short sharp slap just to make him realise you are the boss and not him,I only smacked my son twice warn him first if he does not comply follow through,the shock will be enough to bring him round,kids develop far greater than we ever did.Don't for goodness sake hurt him or mark him just a little wake up call,remember he will soon be a teenager and you don't want him running the home then.

Hi Sudipta, I twice read the discussion and found one dangerous sign in him and that is withdrawal symptom. This happened to mostly the depressed and frustrated teens or say children. Something is there under the carpet. Might be you have missed some points somewhere. Try to recollect any mis happenings with your son. As he is obstinate there must be history behind. Know that none becomes so 'shrugging off' kind and dogged overnight. My humble suggestion is just do not worry too much with his issue and wait for another one or two years and see if any positive traits develop in him. Please do not show your anger. He would be too far and it would be too late to bring him back.

sometimes, kid must learn it the hard way, if you got very mad for once, then may be this will hard wire in their mind, so they will more caution next time. One thing about kid is, never let your kid get to predict what your re-action or action. Normally they already know what your action, so they don't care. by the way, why not bring him out to play some sports, or just o other interesting so to stay away from TV some time, inculde you.

Hi Sudipta, long time. You know what I think? I think you should tell him exactly what you told us when he is NOT watching television and in a mood to listen to you. Talk to him how you would to another human being. He's almost 10...he has his own identity. Tell him that you understand how he feels about watching his television shows and not thinking about anyone else wanting to watch the 'idiot box' but that's not how a family works. You 'share' things. Sometimes one needs to give up some things one likes for the happiness of another person....and one might get more satisfaction from that than they would have got with whatever they were doing. At this point, you could throw in some examples where you give up some things you like for the happiness of your husband or child (or whoever). Now, the important point. Once you've put your point across, LEAVE him. Let him get his mind to do some thinking. He'll come up with his own solution. Don't think he will do it the first time he gets an opportunity. He might want to test you. The next time you ask for TV time and he shrugs...just give him the look and walk off. If he doesn't get the message after a couple of times of doing this....you might need to have the talk with him again...and also put it across that he doesn't seem to have understood what you said. If that fails...then get your husband to do some old fashioned firmness...and 'You don't have that attitude with your mother!'talk. All the best.....and don't feel frustrated. I'm going through the same thing (in other areas) with my almost 9 year old son! I know what to do...but don't have the time or patience to do it...what with the little brats tantrums thrown in!

Can I amke a small suggestion/ Please finish your work and sit wth him while he watches his cartoons. Tell him beforehand that you would like to watch a bit of cartoons and ask him to guide you regarding the storyline etc..,Then slowly broach the topic to him that you would like to watch a bit of your t.v and you are asking him as a favour; if he does not want to grant you that then it is alright . But tell him how it is one of your favourite programs and how you would like sometime because you are very tired and need to sit and relax for a while. Then you can ask him to tell you what his favourites are and those days you would allow him and wont even ask him for it.Child is more important than our own likes and so you may have to sacrifice that or compromise a bit.How long would he be watching cartoons ? Adults can have our t.v . lifelong. You cannot fight with a child on equal terms for your rights if you need the child to shower love and affection on you in your life. He will automatically get the proper sense of values when you give in to him hundred percent and be firm where it really counts. Say, for eg he watches some film program then you can say a strong 'No'. The choice and variety can only be cartoons, animal planet, Discovery etc..,let him watch all that and you will be proud of him later.

I think this is all due to the TV and what i think ois never watch TV in his presence and make him think that this change is all due to him and even make him understand the situation very camly as children at this time find curious indisturbing parents a lot.

Dinner time is about the only time this family is able to all sit down and talk to one another so I would be throwing a temper tantrum of my own if anyone wanted to eat in front of the TV. I think you both should give up the TV during dinner time and make it an uninterrupted family time. Granted, this doesn't teach him how not to be selfish but it shows him that you are just as invested in making sure the family has time to talk without being interrupted as he should be. Then after dinner give him 30 minutes of TV and you take 30 minutes of TV after that.

The biggest problem with children these days. Is that the parents are letting them have control. Remember who gave birth to them.. You are the one in control, take it and use it. Some time you have to be crul to be kind. Let them through ther fits. A glass of water in the face will stop that too. You are loosing respect and you need to put your foot down before he gets much older. Or you will find more problems then you ever dreamed of. Kids aren't stupid they will get away with what ever they think they can. Respect is not given. You have to earn it. And being the parent and showing your athoraty will help you earn that...If he say so....Show him so....And you can do this without getting yourself upset or angree..

Turn off the TV, eat at the table and that is it. If he argues about it, he loses all TV privileges for a week for each time that he makes a fuss about it. No questions, no bargaining, what you say goes. If a child is disrespectful, there should be consequences that will make them unhappy to have. Find a book called, Parent Power by John Rosemond. I highly recommend it. You can find it in the library, Amazon.com or Ebay. If it alienates him, for a while, so be it. That is not your worry right now. You are in charge, he is not. Parenting is NOT a popularity contest and sometimes you have to be more like a drill sergeant and less of a friend. Get the book it is excellent advice.

i think let your child have what he wants then after that just pull the plug from the tv. if he still doesn't want to join you in family discussions so be it. you are the one running the household not him. in due time he'd talk to somebody when he gets bored since the tv is off. 50 50. let him have what he wants then have what you want. however, interacting with people, even if family, is not something that can be forced on anybody. it's like liking somebody... kids having hurt feelings because of parents is a natural thing. i've been through it. and i know as a child you've been through it. with genuine love no heart of steel wouldn't melt. no eyes wide shut wouldn't see the light of day .

Okay first you are the parent here and not him, if you want the television off you turn it off, if you want a different channel on you put it on a different channel. Second I would not tell my child he was being selfish, just that their behavior is not acceptable and that if he can not behave in a way that is positive to their family that he will need to go to his room till he can. Plain and simple. He acts and behaves in a manner that is acceptable or he is not allowed to be around the rest of the family till he does.

I have a ten year old son. So, I can relate to what you ae talking about. I sugest turning tv off during diner tme. Dinner time should be where family can talk to each other about what is going in their lives. A TV show distracts from that. Remember one thing, just because you compromise with your child, It does not mean you gave in. Believe it or not when you compromise you are teaching him a valuable life lesson in how to get along with someone where everyone wll be happy. Where there is no winner or loser.

I have been reading your responses, yet I'm stuck for an answer to your problem. I have two sons (both grown up now, 25 & 21 years of age). I just had to tell my older son something and he would obey. My younger son was just the opposite and I used to really get angry. I did show it without yelling. Moreover, he would put his foot down for many a thing. That's his nature (even now to an extent). What I can say, let it be. May be you have to sacrifice. As they grow up, they get to be fine. Just be friends with him. By the time he is 18 years of age, you will look back and wonder at everything. Just keep an eye on him on his outside activities. Otherwise this is all very normal with most children. Enjoy his childhood and don't be too rigid. He will change.

Hi Dear, I am late to respond and I hope that you got plenty of good advises by this time. Of course I don’t have any solution for your problem because I am already fed up with mine (lol). Today is the last holiday for my son and his school is reopening from tomorrow (July 8) and we ended up his holiday home works yesterday only. It was really a tough time for me especially we spent one month in our native place where he enjoyed much and I struggled much to get his work done. This time his holiday homework needed everyday works including diary writing etc so I pushed him to do some work but much other works were pending when we back. After my return I become mad with hot weather, office work and house hold chorus then spending time with him was really tough for me. Anyway I got a relief from yesterday night as we finished it off. Now coming to the problem, these boys are always like this especially for single kids there is a chance to become selfish. My elder son is also showing much selfish attitude sometime with his small brother (2 years old). But I observed in between them, the younger is so caring to his brother but the elder is least bothered. Now your son is 10 years old and he may need his own individuality. Let us hope once they become grown ups they will be perfect.

I think it is time to pick and choose your battles, he is entering the age when you have much less influence with him. Start treating him like another adult and let him make his own choices, especially on the little things. First sit him down and tell him the problem you are facing as his Mother, than listen to what he has to say. Give this value, the whole idea of this is to get him on your side and to let him know that even if yours is the final decision in these matters you will take his input seriously and will be willing to negotiate the end result. Children becoming adults feel very frustrate when they feel their ideas have no value. Never forget the goal in these discussions, it's not for you to win but for you to come to an agreement with your son for his best interest. As long as you force your point of view on him the situation is only going to get worse. Keep the long view in mind at all times and remember no one knows better how to push your button than your child. Blessings

It sounds like your son has or is going into puberty early. I imagine his other friends are like that also. Practice tough love. He'll eventually come around. It may not be until he's 21, like my daughter, but eventually he will.

....you send him to his room WITH dinner? I'd send him without, make the hunger thing really question his behavior, and none of that, "I promise to be good, just let me out and have some food please." My response to the kids when I did that to them? "Well it wouldn't be a lesson if you didn't live through the punishment. And what does you promising mean? You already lied. Now stop complaining and suck it up, because either way, I'm not listening to you, AND it doesn't work with me, so stop wasting your energy." Harsh, MAYBE, but how else will they learn that when they get a punishment, just because they WON'T shut up, and holler and put up a stink, just because they promise something, oh well, if they PROMISE, they must be telling the truth. No. They stay and be punished. I don't care that they don't like it. Also? TV during dinner time? Not so cool, turn the tv off, and say that it's impolite, not "selfish", because it really is impolite if he's demanding you guys to not say a word so he can hear the tv. Put news on insted or something, what YOU want to watch, and if he complains, remind him how he acted. And if it gets to a point where it's unbearable, then make a tv schedule for the dinner table, some night it's cartoons, the other it's news or something else you guys wanna watch.