Help! I'm desperate and need you to help me brainstorm for an answer!
By mentalward
@mentalward (14690)
United States
July 19, 2009 7:33am CST
I have a favor to ask of you all. A lot of you know about my recent heart problems. Tomorrow, I have an echocardiogram set up.
My husband has totally lost his mind. He wants to just up and abandon this house and move closer to his work. I put $100,000.00 of my money into this house as a down-payment. Aside from that, a move right now will kill me, of that I have no doubt at all, even if I was to move with him, which I refuse to do. He would rather chance killing me than go to counseling. He's blaming me for all his problems... the more he drinks, the more he blames me.
He got me so upset yesterday that I almost went into tachycardia (heartbeat over 100 bpm... killing level is 140 and above). He has proven that he cares nothing at all about me. I've asked for prayers, chants, good vibes, anything, to help me get approved for disability. That hasn't happened yet. Even if it did, that azzhole I married said he wouldn't take my money to help with the bills, even though that is the main reason he wants to abandon this house. He'd rather kill me than let me help with expenses. (His fukked up pride, you understand.)
I need help. I need brainstorming. I need ideas. I need a miracle. I even prayed to God last night to show me the way. I still don't know what to do. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Because of my husband's drinking and refusing to cut back expenses while he was unemployed until this very day, we're up to our necks in bills and it is literally killing me.
He was screaming at me last night about my sons moving in here with us, even though they both moved out TWO YEARS AGO. He won't let go of the past. He doesn't want them in this house. He doesn't want me to have any company at all. He wants to isolate me from the world. He even showed me that he's jealous of my friends in myLot!
Because of his refusing to cut expenses, like keeping his niece on our phone plan, even though she racks up the bill by at least $100.00 a month with her text messaging, has another phone on her mother's plan, has just graduated from college and is engaged to be married. He won't cut back on his drinking. He won't get rid of HDTV and go back to regular cable. He falls asleep almost every night with the TV on (the massive one... 52" screen) and a light on. He owns a huge pickup truck with shiitty gas mileage and complains about how much gas he spends to get to and from work but wouldn't dare exchange it for something with much better gas mileage. He won't try to sell any of his "toys", although he's asked me to sell mine, sell my other house and sell my mother's jewelry, which I inherited when she died, just two years ago. (And, remember, he won't let me help with the bills... but wants me to sell my stuff, which I've been trying to do but, so far, no takers.)
This marriage is OVER. If I moved now, with or without him, it would kill me. Moving is the second most stressful thing a person can go through. I don't even know what's wrong with my heart yet but I do know that I won't survive a move right now. Does he care? No. Not in the least.
So, please, any ideas you might be able to come up with, please, PLEASE share them with me. Prayers haven't done anything yet, unless you want to count the added stress that has been added to my life recently, plus my heart problems.
I just don't know what to do. I'm so scared. I'm so alone. I'm working on my will now because I honestly do not think I'm going to make it through this.
Please, any ideas would help. Can you think of anything? I'm begging you to help me come up with a game plan so I don't die of a heart attack. Even if I don't die of a heart attack, my heart is breaking.
Any and all ideas will be welcomed. I'll try anything at this point. Thank you.
7 people like this
16 responses
@lovesexmoneymaker (143)
• Singapore
19 Jul 09
Wow i don't know you but i can see that you do have a lot of problems on your hand but i can also evaluate that you are not poor at all. There are poor people and there are people who just have problems and you just have problems that is all so why do you just move on in life. In life you have to fall once to rise up again. And you are quite up the ladder so it is going to be a long drop. So that is what i will suggest is to drop everything. Don't take other people responsibilities for your own cut everybody off. But you have to be strong. I can see that you might be dying but wouldn't you want to die knowing that you had done something right at last. Sell the house and run away with the money go somewhere else and start a new life. All well ends well if you know you are with a loser why bother staying put . Somethings are just to hard to let go like how our body will be trying to let our soul go. But this is life and all the people in this world is not going to stop destroying each other until we destroy our self. So take a breather and relax smell the flowers and move on.
3 people like this
@moondancer (7431)
• United States
20 Jul 09
Honey I keep reading how your husband is trying and he has changed but this is all for now, IT WILL NOT LAST.
I agree that you need to take care of your health. But the first thing you NEED to do is get him OUT OF THE HOUSE! forever! He is not going to do what is write very much or for very long...you know this. Do not put yourself through this.
You will be surprised just how much relief you'll have when he is gone, just how much stress is drained from your mind and body when he is NOT THERE anymore.
I urge you for YOU, to change the locks, put him out, get a restraining order that will keep him away. GO right away to a lawyer, or call and make an appointment.
THIS IS FOR YOU and your health and sanity and well being.
1 person likes this
@koalapenguin (2707)
• Philippines
19 Jul 09
Hi there mentalward.Ü
I'm not really sure what your heart problem is. I think your husband is having a very hard time and uses the defense mechanism called projection. What is the problem between you two? Tachycardia is a very dangerous, good thing nothing happened to you. I think you should move in with your parents or friends then you can leave a note telling that you can't bear what he's doing anymore. You both have problems and all you need is a TIME-OUT. I don't really know the both of you but after reading your problem here, i think that you are having a hard time with each other and the best solution would be moving out without him. Praying also helps, so keep on praying that you can go through this problem of yours. God bless!Ü
@koalapenguin (2707)
• Philippines
20 Jul 09
You have been having a very hard time right now mental, i am sorry. I wish i could help but sadly, i do not have enough knowledge or experience when it comes to those kind of things. Your husband is really a pain in the a$$. Hope you will get better soon. God bless you always!Ü
@dragon54u (31634)
• United States
19 Jul 09
First, let me say that the prayers may not seem to be working but God usually pays attention and works things out so that we learn from our situation rather than have it solved for us. It's stressful, but it's just how you would help your children, isn't it?
Let him move!!! Get him out of the house, you stay where you are. Are you on the phone bill? If so, take your name off it. Take your name off all the bills like the one his niece uses, whenever possible. Cancel the cable if you can or reduce it. This is all after he is gone, of course--I don't want you to take a chance on his getting violent. Talk to your sons, let them know what is going on.
Move your sons in with you if you can after he's gone. 2 or 3 can eat cheaper than one and you need the help around the house. And the protection, should he decide to come back.
The best thing you can do is let him move out. Tell him you'll join him later if you have to, but get him out of there! An added benefit is that he will have then deserted you in your time of illness and that will be a good thing during divorce proceedings.
Don't stress. It WILL work out! I hope you can bring yourself to believe that but you're like someone stuck in quicksand that can't see that there is a vine hanging down for you because you're focused on looking at yourself sinking. That vine is there for you, but you have to look around and find it then reach out for it. Your husband wanting to leave might be it! Let him go.
2 people like this
@lovesexmoneymaker (143)
• Singapore
19 Jul 09
I vote on letting him go as he is not worth the trouble . There are lots of fishes in the sea my mom would say but be careful for some fish would eat you whole. So be a smart nemo. You know what is your problem is maybe you don't laugh at all. I am suggesting tomorrow you should go to 7 mountains and take all the roller coaster. NO!! just kidding
3 people like this
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
19 Jul 09
Thank you, all three of you!
Okay, I've calmed him down for the moment. He's agreed to go to counseling (again) and said he'll make the appointment tomorrow. I don't care at this point about counseling because I know he's going to need a ton and a half of it to get over his biggest issues and I don't intend to wait around while he gets "fixed", if he ever can be, which I strongly doubt.
I just wanted to calm him down and put things off until after my test tomorrow. He said that he's taking the day off work to take me to this test, so I'll be quiet and not do a thing until afterward.
I think I actually made him see just how screwed-up his mind really is. I hope I did, for his sake, but it won't help this marriage at this point. It's over. At least he's been quiet now and has actually gotten off his butt and started doing things around here!
Right now, he's asleep in his favorite chair, sleeping off his Sunday morning drunk. I've already left a message for my son (the oldest, most responsible one) to call me when he gets the chance because the three of us need to talk and make plans. He's ready to try and sell his house at a moment's notice and move in here if he needs to. We've already talked about all that. (I bought him that house, in cash, with money my mother left me... to end the issue of them living here two years ago, so whatever he makes selling that house, even if it's less than what I paid for it, is mine so there will be some money in the bank.)
Yes, I want to let him move out. I even told him to go stay with his sister which would be closer to his job than this place is, but he won't agree to that because his sister has a new husband and step-daughter. My husband is a screwed-up hermit because he wants to isolate himself from the world, yet keep me in it. Doesn't make sense.
Now, about the bills... he does all that online and won't give me the passwords. I'll have to call the phone company and cable company and see if they'll help me out over the phone, although I don't even know the account numbers because he elected to do it all electronically, but I do have the address and his Social Security number, if that will help.
I'll definitely be telling whatever lawyer I get that he deserted me, don't worry about that! Even with him still right here, he's deserted me, emotionally, so it is the truth.
If my boys move in with me and if I can get at least half the mortgage paid by my husband and IF I'm ever approved for disability, I'll be able to live here quite nicely... and happily, I might add! My husband won't be around to add more stress to my life and my sons and I can help each other out. We have a close, and quite normal, bond... something, I'm sad to say, my husband can't understand.
Thank you, dragon, for helping me to see that vine!
2 people like this
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
19 Jul 09
Marti,
Dragon is toatally right. In my opinion Dragon is right on. Bring your boys in for a few days, long enough for him to get some things together. He obviously hates the house and doesn't want to come home, so this will give him an excuse to move out. You can do this sweetie.
love leenie
2 people like this
@jb78000 (15139)
•
19 Jul 09
oh that is all awful. i haven't been through anything like that but i think your best bet is to go and stay with a friend until everything calms down a bit (she could also be there when you get tests done) and then decide what happens next. you need a break. jb
3 people like this
@doglady112 (604)
• Canada
19 Jul 09
I feel like I'm in the same kind of circumstance. I'm stuck too, I feel like I'm going to die too. All I can say is I think you need to leave him. But I'd wait to find out about your heart, once you know what's going on with that. Try to find a way to get out,
I think once you're away from him the stress you're under will leave and you'll be able to cope better.
2 people like this
@moondancer (7431)
• United States
20 Jul 09
Welcome to the Lot. Now, I'd like to say that I'm sorry for your predicament. If you would please read what I have written to mentalward, and take charge of your life in some way then you would feel better too.
Never let a man get you down so much that you do not want to live, you (we all) deserve better than that.
When you were younger you thought that you would ,marry and be happy...well life is not a fairy tale like we were always told. But we can control some parts of our life. We have to do what is best for us. If we do not do it then who will? NO ONe, That's who. So please do what you need to do for You to be satisfied and you will be happier for it. I know I speaking from experience.
1 person likes this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
20 Jul 09
If you leave him, would one of your sons let you stay with them, or come and stay with you? You are really in a spot. I don't have any ideas right now, but will keep thinking. You do have to calm down and relax. You don't want anything more to happen to you.
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
23 Jul 09
I am glad that you have a plan, and now that he knows this, it just might change things. If he feels that he doesn't have control over everything, and that you can make it without him, just might make a difference.
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
23 Jul 09
I now have a plan, thanks to the good folks here in myLot. I'm going to rent out my other house, work on getting my disability approval, my sons said they'd both move in here and my oldest son will sell his house, and I can rent out a bedroom here if necessary. I also will get a good lawyer and get alimony from my husband for abandoning me. I told him all this, too. He knows now that I don't need him so he doesn't have that power over me anymore.
He's been helping me, not drinking nearly as much, is actually taking his niece off of our phone plan and getting rid of our land line telephone since we don't use it anyway, told me that I could have anyone over here that I want and he wouldn't say a word and would actually be nice, and has generally been a nicer person to be around.
I am not counting on it lasting because we've gone through this before and it didn't last. The difference is that I have a plan and no longer feel "trapped" with him. He knows this.
I haven't heard anything about the results of my echocardiogram so that can only mean that there's nothing seriously wrong with my heart. It's stress, pure and simple. But, now that I have a plan in place, my stress level has diminished tremendously. I still have the palpitations but it no longer feels as though my heart is going to explode through my chest. I'm much happier now.
@bonbon664 (3466)
• Canada
20 Jul 09
I can't begin to pretend to know what you're going through. I can't even imagine. I know though, that you have to think of yourself first and what's best for you and your health.
I read further on that he's agreed to go for counselling, that's a great step.
@sid556 (30953)
• United States
20 Jul 09
Hi there mentalward,
Just living with this man is creating stress that you don't need and you are using tons of energy that could be better used on other things. He is emotionally abusive from the sounds of it. I think you need to talk to your local women's crisis center and there they will councel you on your options and help you. My honest opinion is that if you were to move away from this man, your odds of making it are much greater than if you stayed. You say you have another home? Is there anyway that you could move into it and have a friend help you to move? Moving is stressful, yes but this would be a positive move and it would be empowering. This man is messing with your head big time. It is very toxic to live with someone under these conditions. This man will not admit it but he does need you. If you were to move away from him, you would see it in hindsight. You can't see it now because you are too worked up and your in the midst of it. I guarantee you that once you have a plan and move on from him you will immediatly feel a weight lifted from your shoulders. Maybe you are not comfortable to live alone....do you have a friend that you could share with? Seriously, anything has to be better than what you are dealing with now.
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
19 Jul 09
Marti, are you listening to any of the suggestions that have been given on here? You've gotten some very wise answers here which I hope you're reading with an open mind. NOW is the time to think about you and your sons and not one bit about your low down dirty rotten husband of yours! Take your life back! In other words, let that husband move out and move your sons back in!! Your sons want to help you so let them!! Between your two sons and yourself, you guys can pay the mortgage, electric, phone and cable to keep the house going as well as provide the groceries while your husband goes on his own wild goose chase all his own. Put all the house bills in your name and let that husband of yours move out and bring your sons in. It's obvious that your marriage is over so why try to continue with it? Live your life for it is YOUR life and let him GO!
1 person likes this
@moondancer (7431)
• United States
20 Jul 09
I agree with catsanddogs, the only thing is don't go too far with putting "all" of the bills in your name. I know she just means the bills for the house, light bill, water bill, phone bills. If they stay in his name he WILL shut them off. You tell these places that your husband and you have separated and that you need them changed to your name as you are being held responsible to pay them.
I agree that you and your sons can pay for everything, and you can even get help through your state. I know it means dropping you pride just a bit. But this would be much better for you than dealing with his crap and being on edge all of the time.
No one can do anything for you, that is up to you. You can have much less stress in your life if you would only let him go, in fact..make him leave.
You don't need him to validate your life. It's hard to take that first step, but you will feel so much relief and a huge weight lift off of you. Not to mention, THE FREEDOM. Yes the freedom you will have on your own, trust me dear it's well worth it. Make sure when you go to court that the credit card bills and anything else is put in his name. You can get a separation, and make him pay for spousal support. That is until you get your money coming in and maybe even after. You are disabled, he can not deny that and the judge will be on your side.
If you let him stay,(which I hope you don't) Make sure that if he does anything to harm you or wrong that you call the law on him. Have those records to take to court for when you are ready to call it quits. Prove that he is bad for you or harms you in any way, even mentally.
Tape him on a recorder when he is drinking, play it for him to make him know what he does.
He makes money to pay for what he needs. Then make him leave. Tell him that you will use that tape if you have to. Do and say what you have to for you and your kids.
2 people like this
@schulzie (4061)
• United States
19 Jul 09
Gosh, I don't know what to tell you. I wish only the best for you. I know that stress is a horrible thing to have in your life. I lost my house to foreclosure 6 months ago and now we live paycheck to paycheck. We struggle every week. I have high stress and my heart rate is very high too. The doctors really never seem too concerned about it but I know it averages at least 100 bpm.
I will say a prayer for you. I think you should just stay in your house and get rid of him. It is what it sounds like to me. Could your sons maybe help you out in some way? If not financially then maybe in getting your husband out of the house so he is not there stressing you out?
I know it must be stressful living in conditions like that with someone like how you describe him to be.
God bless you. I hope everything works out. I know it will. You just need to remain optimistic about things.
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
19 Jul 09
Marti,
What time is your echocardiogram? How are you getting there? Would it be possible for you to spend the night with one of your Son's? You can't allow him to push your Son's out of your life!! He's doing that so that noone is witness to his behavior. And he's jealous and obsessed. As you know this kind of behavior can get you killed. Don't think about moving right now. That can come later. But right now, you do need to get away from him, even if it is temporary. Your Son's are close by and that gives you an escape. Please use it. If he comes after you, call the police. We love you. Write your will in a safe place. I will be in touch.
Love Leenie
@kaguvkov (1318)
• Davao, Philippines
23 Jul 09
I'm so sorry to hear that story from you and you were having troubles with your husbands problem in your financial situation. He is having a turn around on your finances and he wants everything to put it down especially to cut expenses. You almost got killed by your heart problem because you keep on thinking or got affected by what your husband did. It is a very complicated problem especially if what matters is money. I just hope you focus on your health and let your husband do his own want because that is what he want.
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
23 Jul 09
Thank you, kaguvkov. You are very correct. My heart problem is caused by stress. I now have a plan on how I can stay in this house and afford to live comfortably without my husband. He can leave if he wants to but I'm staying right here. It has made me feel much better and I am now much happier because I have a plan. My husband has caused me so much stress for two and a half years now and I've finally decided that I refuse to take any more from him.
I'm doing much better now. Thank you again!
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
19 Jul 09
I don't know if there is anything that I can say to help you out but I'll try. First and formost..I don't think you should move. You love it there and you have invested to much to just up and leave it. If it comes down to it maybe you should suggest he move closer to work for a while to save money. Maybe an efficiency apartment and in the meantime you can move in whoever you want and they can help with some of the bills. I would ask the neice to start paying some on the phone or it's going to be shut off. Maybe if you sit down with him while he is sober and go over the bills and talk to him about what can be cutback and some things you would like to do to help the two of you get through this. He has got to understand that this can not go on. Your health has to be top priority!!! If anything he says or does threatens you or your health it has to be dealt with...you can not take any risks where that is concerned. If he gets out of hand...call the police.He is putting his foot down over this and that...you need to choose your battles as well. I'll be thinking of you and holing you close to my heart. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Life is so tough sometimes.
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
20 Jul 09
Hey mentalward~ If you don't calm down you are going to have
a heart attack or a stroke and then what the hell good will
that do! You need to get hold of yourself now! If this is
going to continue as it seems to have been doing for months
now with no end in sight then you really do need to consider
splitting up with him and maybe having one of your sons move
in with you, just you! You can't keep going on like this!
If you are serious about having enough of your husbands sh!t
then you need to think about getting him out of the house and
taking your sons in or selling the house and keeping the other
house! But, keeping up the way you are right now is going to
kill you! STRESS KILLS! Now there are way too many people here
that care very much about you! Please calm down! WE are here
for you! You have to make some kind of change! This has been
going on for too long now!
@scheng1 (24649)
• Singapore
20 Jul 09
Hi Mentalward, so sorry to hear that the stress and your health condition.
I think the ideal will be for your husband to rent a place nearer his work, and to come back during the weekend. I think your husband has very low self esteem, and once he lost his job, he lost the meaning of life. Wonder if he's always this way?
It's a good idea for your elder son to move in with you, however it's not a good idea to sell the house now.
Maybe he can move in with you, and rent the place out for a few months, and see how things end up.
Meanwhile you have to calm down, and look at things with a clearer perspective. I think you have overlooked all the good qualities of your husband, and see him as a drunkard, rather than the kind and good man he is (when he's sober).
I hope God give you wisdom not to make personal attack, and ability to talk calmly and logically to your husband when he is sober.
