Somebody's Servant...

You are probably one of those sweet people who says 'yes' to everyone and makes people happy! I do things for my family, but I'm far less obliging with other people. I don't volunteer for things, and keep myself pretty much to myself - I think sometimes you can end up feeling resentful if you feel used. There are a lot of people in this world willing to use others, without giving much themselves. My daughters and husband all think I do too much for our son (he's 21 and living at home) - so I've been trying to do a bit less lately so he'll appreciate the fact he's getting it easy and will do more for himself. He's pretty good, and is quite happy to cook for himself if he comes in late - but there's always a horrible mess left in the kitchen which falls to me to clean up - so in the long run it would have been easier for me to have cooked him something!

My parents lived near my mother's family. Several members used to treat my mother pretty much the way your family is treating you. The sad thing was, that in getting so used to having her around, they stopped appreciating her, and with that the respect was pretty low too. My dad (bless his soul) solved it by moving an hour away. In their later years, they did move closer to her family again, but by that time she had learned to say, "Gee I'd love to help, but I can't today". Not every one can afford to just up and move away. You can however learn that by doing LESS you are appreciated MORE. Out of curiosity, what do they do when you call them to drop everything and come help you?

I feel like a serveant sometimes but not all of the time. I feel like I have to be the one to keep up with everything around here. Everyone else takes time for them selves but I never have the time to do so. I only do as I see fit now though. I do not jump every time they hollar no more.

That's a very good thought, and so true! When I was a stay at home mom, everyone thought I had a lot of time to spare and my husband expected me to keep a spotless house and serve meals fit for a king. Nobody has any idea how busy we moms are, especially when our children are babies. You need to learn how to say no. It took me a long time but I finally started saying no to people. They'll respect you for it, strangely enough.

No, I don't think that I have that problem. I think I've been that problem in the past though! As a teenager I wanted things done for me, and now that I am a little older I realize that it's not fair. I would hate to put anyone in the position that would make them feel as if they were my servant. Though I am lazy, I do not feel that a dirty room or house should be cleaned by just one person, especially if it's not there room or house! That is to say, while this isn't mine and my fiance's house, I don't expect my fiance's mom to clean our bathroom and room when we (my fiance and I) are the ones using those two rooms!

I believe in helping people when i can & when i feel like it. I don't believe u are obligated to make yourself a slave to them. my family doesn't treat me that way & yours shouldn't either.

well, I hate to admit this but I have always been helped by people in my immediate family. Its not that I have expected or begged them to do tasks on my behalf and if they haven’t done it, its fine by me…I’ve done it myself. But in general, I have had people helping me out. Now, regarding my helping them…well I have not always gone out of my way or compromised with my own schedule to help the immediate family. No matter what the passage says, its been my personal experience that people hardly appreciate help if they get it everytime they just ask for it. You might be doing it coz its not in your nature to refuse, but they think its their birthright to get help from you. Help is appreciated only when its given parsimoniously and not showered.

One of the reasons why Hubby`s and my marriage works so well is because before the wedding we agreed to NO PRE-CONCEIVED EXPECTATIONS!!!! We lived together for a while, and only after discovering what the other was good at, did we decide who was going to do what around the house, and believe me, it has nothing to do with gender. Not a damn thing!!! We wouldn't have it any other way. Your family sees you as a DOORMATT, and it needs to stop!! Net time they do that to you ask them the following questions. -Do you think my name is "Matt?" -Do you see footprints on my forehead? -Do I have WELCOME written across my face? -Are there wholes in your shoes from wiping your feet on me so often? -Do you look down and see my picture, when you wipe your feet? -Is my picture on the welcome mat? And any other door-mat related question you can think of to stop them, and get their attention.

Wow great passage, that applies to me. I made the choice to be around for my daughter. Now, I take care of my father (ok) my daughter, my nephews, my mother and run errands for everybody. That passage is so true. Yes people expect from me, if they complain, I tell them that they can just do it themselves. This is what it has gotten me. I am behind on my mortgage, utilities, my hot water heater just went out today. i do not have money because i chose to be around here. Everybody knows I dont but when I really need help, where are they?

Actually, it's the other way around for me. I wish my parents would call me when they need something done but they won't. Mom will do her best to do all she can herself and even the things she can't do. She's been asked and told to call us if she needs anything and so has dad but still, they won't do it. I'm afraid one day one or both of them are going to fall and break something really bad but what can I do? I can't be at their place 24/7 for I have a life of my own with having my own home to tend to.

My sister in laws life is like this, I swear she runs herself into the ground running around after others and she never gets no thanks for it, she has not a moment to herself because of all the running around she does. She was worst for it with her partner, she did everything for him except wipe his backside I think and how did he repay her? by sleeping with the next door neighbour! I never run around after anyone, I will help people out etc but I will not be at anyones beck and call.

I grew up with my mother as an example of how to behave as a woman and it left me with the impression that females are here to cook, clean and serve their man and I learnt from a very early age that life is a lot easier if you are a man. Sure you have to hold down a job, but when you come home the time is your own to do as you please; women do not have such a luxury. My mother does everything in the household which is always immaculate and my father will not even butter his own toast or get up and retrieve missing cutlery from the table at dinner time; he expects mum to get up from her chair and hand him what he wants, which of course she does! He is retired from his work now but I guess she never will retire from hers! When I married and left home I tried to be like my mother except for the fact that I was in a full time job outside the home; it didn’t take me long to become very unhappy and to learn that it is not the way it has to be for women, my husband sure did not expect me to serve him because that is not the way his mother brought him up. I love the passage you quoted by the way it says it well, the more you give the more they'll expect. Over the years I have learnt that you teach people how to treat you; act as a doormat and do not be surprised when feet get wiped over you!

My husband's family used to always expect me to do thigns for them. His mother always expected me to pick her up and take her home when she needed a ride, and two of his four brothers always expected me to run them here or there, loan them money, do this or do that. Finally, it got to the point where I just couldn't stand it anymore and told my husband to tell them that I have my own things to do. It took several times of me saying, "no" before they finally got the hint andnow, they rarely ask me to do things. I never minded the once in a while things, especially if I was going that way anyhow, but when it came to changing my plans and/or going out of my way, it got quite a bit annoying. Another thing I put a stop to was them coming over whenver they wanted. Hey, don't get me wrongf, they are family, but I have a family here at home to tend to and don't need constant company. Thankfully, they are now in relationships of their own, where they are happy and stable so they do not desire coming here all of the time anymore.

Hi twoey...I completely sympathize with you. That is a nice passage and helpful to those of us who do help more than we should sometimes as it negatively affects our lives and the lives of our family. I recently had something like this advice handed to me and I took it. It turns out that the person I used it on behaved like a child but the best thing to do it ignore the tantrum and it will go away. If they learn to do on their own it will be the best. Good luck to you.

for some reason, people don't expect me to drop things and come help - probably because I seldom every do it - and then only if it is something I can do quick and easy - and not go too far out of my way - some have even said I might be selfish, but I just see myself as taking care of myself

You are so right. People will treat us like that if we let them. In some instances where we are caught in between two sets of other people who have already established toxic relationships the fallout lands on us...again, I say, if we let it. Sometimes, alas, the only way to vote is with one's feet.

Hi towey, that is a big problem of mine I do do a lot for other people in everyway not just what they need, in return I get nothing so really as the saying goes they would take the skin of me for making boots! I only have a couple of best friends that are always telling me not to do everything and run after people doing things for their sake or because they want me too..LoLo

Hold a meeting and anounce that as of NOW you are setting up certain boundries and will not being doing certain things any longer. Yes, I have ppl around me that did expect alot. I have set up boundries and will only do certain things. They are aware and respect this.

This is my life in a nutshell. I give and give to other household members and I get a big "0" in return. I give them what they need and sometimes what they want. Its just people like to take advantage of others and then when you question them about it. They say no we don't. Really, stand in my sandals one day and then come back and tell me what you feel or see.

I like the passage, I might trying living by that philosophy. I think you give them what the need and once an awhile what they want. If you give them what they want all the time they just want more.