One Phone Call that Bring me To the Past, what am I supposed to do?
By ibuemma
@ibuemma (2953)
United States
August 28, 2009 7:50am CST
I think I need some advice from mylotter.
Last night I received a phone call from my friend, that actually my ex-bf.
We've been known each other for over 20 years. On and off so many times in the past, and even in between I dated some other guys, and he dated some other girls. But me and him, always like an open book, even I married right now with two kids we are still communicating. And as far as I'm concerned he's the best friend for me. Couple times my marriage is on the rock, he give advice and encouragement to have patience and keep my marriage.
By the way, until now he is still single. I constantly ask him whether he found the right one. He always do the dodge and duck by saying "I'm not worry about it, when a right person come along it will come along"
The conversation we had last night is really unexpected. Basically he told me, he stay single, because of me. ( I'm flatter for one second, but feel so bad )And just see me happy, it's enough for him. I was speechless, and I told him that is not fair that he told me now, in the middle of the night, and after 10 years I married my hubby.
Here's my dilemma. I don't want just cut off the friendship with him. But the stupid thing he said last night, make me feel guilty. He never tried to break my marriage, like I said he's been a very-very bestfriend for me.
What am I supposed to do?
6 responses
@chiyosan (30184)
• Philippines
29 Aug 09
dont feel guilty. it is his choice to be single and not yours. you got married, you should be happy now with your hubby and no words, from a person in your past or even if he is your bestfriend should shaken your love and ties with your husband. let go of him and the past... the reason he is doing this is to make you think, to cause trouble. if he is your friend... he should not be torturing your mind.
1 person likes this
@kevchua (1004)
• Malaysia
28 Aug 09
I think this ex-boyfriend of yours is feeling really lonely now. But it is just not right for him to call you when every one else is fast asleep. You need to tell him what you're supposed to tell - that you're married, and that he can't keep calling you but that you could still be friends. Perhaps, you could "help" him by trying to get him a girl.
Let me relate a real story to you. I had a colleague once - she's married but I refused to let her go because I hope to marry her (though I didn't tell her). We went on dates before we went home after work. When I returned to my hometown to work, things changed for me. I stopped thinking of her especially after meeting a single woman.
What I'm trying to say is: Some men have difficulty letting go of a woman when he truly likes her - married or not. Your "job" now is to help him let go of you before it gets out of hand.
Hope this helps, good luck.
@ibuemma (2953)
• United States
28 Aug 09
hi, kevchua..
thank's a lot. I think he does feel lonely. wWell, he called me at night time my time because the time difference too. He lives on the other side of the world, 12,000 miles from where I live right now. My hubby knows him too. 2 months before our wedding 10 yrs ago, he's also busy helping my family.
I did try a long time ago, to introduce him with some girl. And it's not like he's totally alone, he's dating on and off too the last 10 years. Sometimes when I ask him, when he's gonna invite me to his wedding, he just laughed and again said "haven't found the right one".
I just don't want to throw away 20 yrs worth of friendship.
Question : is it really my "job" to help him let go of me?
1 person likes this
@LetranKnight25 (33121)
• Philippines
28 Aug 09
ibuemma, unless you want him to live a miserable life just thinking hopelessly about you, i suggest you do it..
@kevchua (1004)
• Malaysia
28 Aug 09
Hi ibuemma, my guess is that he's probably somewhere in Asia perhaps in Indonesia or Malaysia, right? :) well, when I said it's your "job", I'm not accusing or blaming you of anything, but reality is that he has to know that he can't "use" you all the time. I mean, he may not have any bad intentions. Still, he's in a way disturbing you. The fact that he said that he's not married because of you (and is still single) gives me the impression that he's still thinking of you maybe as more than a friend. I could be wrong, but I'm saying this in a my own perspective. Whatever it is, he has to let go the thought of thinking of you as a special person. Since you and him have been best friends for a long time, I believe you're the best person for this "job". Well, you could choose to not to do anything about it, though. I don't want both your friendship to suffer later.
Anyway, it's my suggestion; I don't have the right to impose. Think about it and hope things will work out fine :)
@rameshkumaar57 (5908)
• India
29 Aug 09
Well ibuemma, if you are happy with your present husband, it is better you cut your friend ship with him. My question is what was he doing for the last 20 years. It is usually when the men reach middle age, and they start feeling lonely, they try to convince some of their good old friends to come and live with them and marry them.
@rameshkumaar57 (5908)
• India
30 Aug 09
Long distance relations never last. Since you have moved to US and staying there for the last ten years, you do not know what changes would have happened to him.So it is better you stay back with your present husband in USA.
@ibuemma (2953)
• United States
29 Aug 09
Question about the last 20 yrs? I met him just about 20 yrs ago. We dated on and off, and when we were off, I dated another guy, and he did date another girl. 10 yrs ago, I got married with my present hubby. I got to move out of Indonesia and follow my hubby to US. We are still communicating, and sometime he told me that he got a date. But you probably right he start feeling lonely.
@lelin1123 (15595)
• Puerto Rico
29 Aug 09
He wasted 10 years was he waiting and hoping for you to come back to him. OMG what a guy and why tell you to make you feel so guilty. That is bad and I know I wouldn't be happy about hearing that. It would be totally different if you were not married but how could he say that too you after all this time. Maybe he is content just being best friends and is ok being by himself. Did you ask him why he decided to tell you that now? I think all you can do is remain friends and that is it. Unless you and your husband are not doing good and you are thinking of divorce. Otherwise just remain as friends and hopefully maybe one day this best friend will find another best friend. Good luck to you.
@ibuemma (2953)
• United States
29 Aug 09
That's what he told me, he's happy as long as I am happy, and it's just time according to him that he want to be completely honest, instead dodging all my question about his girlfriend. My husband and I doing good. Has it's ups and down like other marriage. I don't think I can cut him off as a friend. It's just hard for me to digest the news.
@LetranKnight25 (33121)
• Philippines
28 Aug 09
Must have been hard knowing the truth why he remained single all this years. basically, you could never go back to the past, unless time travel is made, but if it does, would you really want to? i think for you should either introduce him to some one else at his taste or "stop" talking to him for days,months or years, to see if he has recovered from the past and moved on. i doubt he will kill himself, since he love his life besides you..
...@ibuemma (2953)
• United States
28 Aug 09
That's interesting, what will I do or even if I want to turn back the time. I don't think I will change anything. All this year I figured that we both get over the feeling, at least I know I did get over it, and just the friendship that's left. I never suspected that he keep it this long.
Darn! 
Since he's so far away, I might ask my brother to find him somebody. Best thing I can do.
I don't think he will kill himself either, oo, please don't, I will carry guilty feeling even worse.
Since he's so far away, I might ask my brother to find him somebody. Best thing I can do.
I don't think he will kill himself either, oo, please don't, I will carry guilty feeling even worse.1 person likes this
@fscott0421 (10)
• United States
29 Aug 09
I can understand what you are feeling ibuemma, speaking as a woman who had to deal with a situation very similar to yours, I had an ex-fiancee who did almost exactly the same thing. I don't know that I can give you any really good advice on how to deal with something like that, but if you and your ex are still very close friends, best friends, then you can probably try something similar to what I did. I am still to this day best friends with my ex-fiancee, we have know each other since we were kids, and what I told him was that I still loved him very much, but not more than as a friend or family member. He understood and has respected the boundary between being friends and being more than friends. I don't know if your ex is as understanding as mine, but anything is worth a try if you can still be friends with him, right? :)
