My love is no longer with me in flesh...

Tweet

Hi everyone, I felt the need to start this discussion for a few reasons. The first reason is to inform, the second reason is a little more complicated. I have seen many different discussions on Mylot over the past three years that are about suicide. Most of these discussions dont take into account certain aspects, and they come off rude or insensitive. So, if you have lost a loved one to suicide, or have had suicidal thoughts, or simply want to learn more please read. This is my story: My boyfriend was a wonderful man. Before his death at the age of 32, he lived a full life. He traveled often, tried to conserve our resources, enjoyed the outside world, and loved people completely. Even though most people saw him as this person, on the inside he also suffered from horrible depression. He used to say that his depression began when he was a teenager. Nothing seemed to work, at least not on a long term basis. The only thing that worked for him were drugs. In the begin they were a party thing, but as he got older the drugs would make him not himself, and sometimes thats all he wanted. He would leave and use drugs every once in a while. It took me a long time to realize the depths of his pain. In the beginning I thought he had a drug problem, and it seemed so easy to fix. Towards the end I realized it was more than that. He didnt enjoy using drugs, but once his head won over his reason, he would. He would do anything to become a different person, even if it only lasted a few hours. As his depression worsened, he began to believe that everyone would be better off without him, he felt he caused his loved ones more pain than joy. I didnt agree, but when a person is so deep, and so lost, no one can convince you otherwise. Brian attempted suicide twice during our three year relationship, and at least two times before me. When he finally succeeded he left a beautiful note explaining his torment. He was at peace with his decision, and mentioned he was sorry for any pain he had caused, and may be causing, but to know we would all eventually be ok, even better. There is a much longer story, but I hope you understand, he was a happy person when most people saw him. He only let in a few people to see his pain, and even then I never saw the true depths of his pain. I treasure the past three years of my life, they were full and exciting, as well as a huge learning experience. If you have lost a loved one to suicide, or if you have had suicidal thoughts I urge you to get help. You are loved, and no matter how you feel, know that others care about you. There is a book I want to recommend for people who have lost loved ones to suicide, for people who have contemplated suicide, and for those who have attempted suicide. The book is, "Dying to be Free" by Beverly Cobain, and Jean Larch. This book is very non-fiction, but provides facts to help us understand the depths of depression. There are a few other books I have run across, and if you need more reading material let me know. I want the taboo and stigma of suicide to be lessened. Others need to understand what goes through these peoples minds. In this book it talks about how unselfish the act can be, and many consider it to be just the opposite. I am not angry at my boyfriend, I am angry at the system for failing him, but I feel just sadness for my love. I know how bad he was tormented, and I wish his life wasnt as bad as he felt it was. RIP my love 4/18/1977 8/5/2009