how can i grow???

Maybe that is some of the Reason still trying to express itself. Maybe you're not yet completely brainwashed. Christianity is a filthy, brainless religion and I hope that you one day free yourself from its chains.

Don't be too hard on yourself...we don't grow overnight. Just keep talking to Christ, treat him as if he is your best friend, you can go to him for everything. But then take some time to listen...you can't have a relationship with a friend if you don't stop and listen to them. Sit quietly, focus on him in your mind, and you'd be amazed at what you hear him say.

Growing takes time but it also takes a lot of eating or watering if you consider yourself a plant. Thus, spend more time on the word and prayer. Though during such times, the word and prayer would seemed to be tasteless, force yourself to eat more. People lose their appetite when they get sick but it is only by eating more would they recover faster. It is quite normal for a child who to stumble and fall while learning to walk but just get up when you do and continue walking. Cheer up! For a child to have a desire to grow means that he is already growing. Grace be with your spirit.

One thing to do is to stay in the word. Read and memorize scriptures to help you keep your mind on Him. Perhaps there is a good Bible study close to where you live. I even do some on-line Bible studys. I am working on the study of James. Keep your heart toward God and your mind on His word,it's difficult, but you can do it. It gets easier! I have some study guides you can download for free that will help you study if you would like.

oh if you feel uncomfortable just talk to your spiritual leader and open up why you stumbled with some of your co-brothers.i hope i help you with this.