Users....they can really send you into a tail spin!
By Loverbear
@Loverbear (4918)
United States
September 21, 2009 1:21pm CST
As I posted last night, my friend called in tears about not having money to get food and feminine products. I gathered stuff for her to pawn so that she can get money and I can eventually get my belongings back. Plus I am gathering what cash I have. Most of you reading this would think that it's no big deal and that I am a great friend for doing this...but it has been something that has been going on for years. I have bought myself things and have returned them so my friend could have money for food. I have given her my savings for the same reason. I have cut myself short for that reason as well as given her my savings and much of my jewelry so that she can pawn it and get money. I suggested that her husband take the car and drive along the road to my home out in the country and pick up the aluminum cans- I was informed that that kind of activity was beneath him. Funny, she benefited from my recycling aluminum cans, yes she got that money too, I'm not too proud to collect the aluminum cans for recycling. I am to the point that when I figure my budget for the month I figure a $100 stipend that I set aside for loaning to this "friend" for food, because their money doesn't make it past the second week of the month.
I took her call last night, and listened to her cry and snivel and whine. I assured her that I could come up with a few bucks for her for food. I then collected what I could in cash and then the stuff for her to pawn. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep last night so I took a sleeping pill. This morning instead of waking up refreshed and ready for the day, I woke up severely depressed and in tears. I guess the realization that I am being played and that I am not so much a friend as a bank account has really gotten to me. My daughter was the same way, and I finally had to sever connections with her for that and other reasons. I am really in a tail spin over the treatment that I have received at this "friends" hand.
If you're wondering about the whole story, my post last night was "It took awhile, but I finally reached the end of my rope". I think if you read that, you'll understand why I am in such a depression.
Have you had something that really sent you into a tail spin and a deep depression?
2 people like this
8 responses
@pillusch (1147)
• Mexico
22 Sep 09
You might not like what I will write here, but you might have a physical addiction to being humiliated - and that's what's happening. If this has been going on for years, on some level you must like it, I just don't see another explanation.
We know now that in our brain certain elements, called peptides, are being sent out into our bloodstream and thus reach our cells. Each emotion has its own peptide, and the cells get literally addicted or 'hooked' to it. To give you my example, I tend to get irritated very much. But if my cells need a 'fix', and there is nothing to get irritated about, my brain gets to work and either remembers situations that irritated me, or invent, imagine possible situations that would irritate me. And my cells are just sucker for it. It's true, I observed myself very carefully.
Now, as with any other addiction (and again, keep in mind that this is a PHYSICAL addiction) you can go through rehab, but you have to this by yourself, there are no AA sections for that. I have tried to substitute my addiction to irritation by stopping my thoughts in their tracks when they come and they try to substitue them with more positive thoughts. because, mind you, I even subconsciously create situations, build an environment (like negative relationships, etc.) that give me the chance to feel irritated again and again - like a good junky.
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
22 Sep 09
I havent'read your other post yet but just reading this one can make me see clearly how you would be in a bad spot. You are way way way too giving!! Please learn from this experience. A real friend would not take from you in this way.....not in a million years. I have a couple of friends that I would gladly give that kind of money to if I had it and ya know what? I don't have one friend that would accept it. These people are horrible. I'm glad you can see it.
@KrauseHome (36447)
• United States
21 Sep 09
Personally I know that even though you want to help her and feel it is your duty to do so as a Friend, that is could be time to sever the ties and quit offering her money and such all the time as well. Personally I cannot see where she is benefiting from it, and if it is bringing you that much grief and depression it is time she find other means to make ends meet as well. You should not have to Sell or pawn off your stuff in exchange and then have to do without. I hope somehow you will be able to break off terms and move on to a better life instead.
@slaveofsensation (348)
• United States
21 Sep 09
You where so getting played and this person is not your "friend" if you offerd for her to pick up cans and she would not do it then let her figure out how to feed herself. The good thing is that you have realized that she is just a user and you are never going to have to loan her money again. Does she have a job? Why cant she pay her own bills like the rrest of us? I hate people who have nothing to contribute to society!
@rosepedal64 (4188)
• United States
22 Sep 09
Hi Lovebear..I really know where you are coming from..My oldest son use to do me the same way. He would call up and tell me he didnt have this and that and ask to borrow some money. Yeah why do they say borrow..You never get it back..This went on for ever. I finally said no more..I know it is my son but I felt like he would just blow his money because he knew that oh mom would get him thru the week. He got a big surprise when I said no to him..Actually he was in shock I do believe. But it worked out for the best..She might think of you in the same way. Blow her money because she knows that you wont let her go without..Honey you have to put an end to it now. Believe me it only gets worse..Have a good day...
@busybren (258)
• United States
21 Sep 09
You're so awesome! What a pal you are. It's always a great thing to help others, especially if you are capable of doing so, but if it starts to affect your ability to get through you day, then you shouldn't feel bad about stepping back. Besides, you can't be the ONLY person in their life and your life shouldn't be put on hold because someone else is stuck.
@jenlex79 (256)
• United States
21 Sep 09
Yes, you should definitely stop enabling your friend to use you. That is what's really happening here. They need to learn how to budget their money better and or cancel things such as cable, or internet. Also downgrade cellphone plans if they have them.
There is help out there for needy people, that is if they really need help. Please stop killing yourself over this. Yes, stress can kill a person. I understand you have a good heart but right now you need to think about yourself and your family.
If your afraid that she won't be your friend if you say NO to her then don't worry, she's not a real freind. Take care of yourself, I think you've helped her enough. Her husband should feel ashamed of himself. If picking up cans on the side of the road is beneath him, then he should feel really low by having a friend support his family.
@malamar (779)
• Canada
21 Sep 09
It is wonderful to be a friend and to help others as much as you can. However, when your help begins to hurt your emotional health (or your finances), then it becomes a completely different matter.
Unless you are independently wealthy and don't need that $100 per month, you have to find the will to stop giving it to her. Go with her to collect cans, seek social assistance, to the food bank; whatever it takes to help her get up and stand on her own two feet. Unless and until she takes steps to help herself, you are only enabling her by supporting her this way.
I am so sorry if that sounds harsh, but that is the way I see it. She is using the guise of friendship to get what she wants from you, in this case, money. At the same time, she is contributing your sleeplessness, worries and negative feelings.
A real friend wouldn't do that to you Loverbear.
