Am I wrong to date again?
@growingupthree (54)
United States
September 24, 2009 9:58pm CST
My husband walked out on me and our three daughters almost two years ago. He has filed for divorce and has a fiance. They have a son that she was pregnant with before he ever told me he wanted a divorce. Of course his reasons for wanting a divorce was not her but that I was stupid, fat, boring and a b*tch. He did not sign the divorce papers before he was deployed again so the divorce will not be final until he gets back next summer.
I have started seeing someone that is really nice and really likes my girls. The problem is most of the family is mad at me because I have started dating again. Not just his family but even some of my own. His parents think it is great that I am finally moving on with my life and finally pulling out of the depression that I was in. The family thinks that two wrongs don't make a right and that I should be divorced before I start dating again.
He was deployed to Iraq for most of our marriage. I stayed faithful and did what I was supposed to. I tried to be the best wife that I could be and the best mom to my girls. I took care of our home, our children, our pets, and worked by myself. I didn't go out with friends or have girls nights out. I only went out if it was with family. As soon as he came back, he started with affairs. He had three affairs that I know of. I tried to work through that blaming it on his post traumatic stress. He finally called on our daughters second birthday and told me he wanted a divorce, had cut me off financially and wanted nothing to do with our children. He did not want responsibility and he was done with us.
I think I served my time in this marriage and putting up with emotional abuse. He moved on and I think I have the right to move on. I should be able to get the lives of me and my girls back to as normal as possible. I don't believe that we should have to put our lives on hold because he doesn't want us anymore. Isn't nearly two years enough? I wasn't the one that walked away from our marriage. Why should I be the one to keep suffering? I think they need to keep their opinions to themselves or go fuss at him.
8 people like this
28 responses
@shikaymaru (700)
• Malaysia
25 Sep 09
After reading your story, I think you totally deserve to enjoy life again and breath peacefully. Just start a new life. Put yourself first and enjoy life. There is no point of looking back. I believe you have become a stronger person now.
Everyone have their opinion about you but not all suit the best for you. The only person who know best is yourself.
God bless you
2 people like this
@growingupthree (54)
• United States
25 Sep 09
You are right. I feel stronger and healthier and happier. I am ready to move on and believe that my children are too. I think they miss having a father figure in their lives.
@BStuff (495)
• United States
25 Sep 09
Honey, you have every right to be happy and to find a real man. A man who will be faithful to you and help take care of your children (my god I hope your fighting his butt for child support if he cut you off money wise) Shame on your family for trying to make you feel bad. This is not 1920 or 1950 or even 1990. This is 2009 and it is perfectly okay for you to be dating at this stage. And don't you let ANYONE tell you its a wrong. What he did was a bunch of wrongs. You handled it right and you must be one strong amazing woman for standing by him through it! Your also amazing for having the strenght to get up and go out, not letting the divorce or situation tear you down. 
He seems liek thats what he expected or wanted you to do.
You go out and get yourself a real man who can handle a real woman like you. If your family or anyone else is giving you trouble you need to sit them all down and set them straight right now. If they loved you they would understand and want you to be happy to. Don't play into their sadness.
He seems liek thats what he expected or wanted you to do.
You go out and get yourself a real man who can handle a real woman like you. If your family or anyone else is giving you trouble you need to sit them all down and set them straight right now. If they loved you they would understand and want you to be happy to. Don't play into their sadness. 2 people like this
@growingupthree (54)
• United States
25 Sep 09
He is paying child support. Probably only because the Army is making him but I'm getting it and that is what counts. You are right if they cared as much as they say they do then they would want us to be happy.
@laglen (19759)
• United States
25 Sep 09
I understand your side here, but I would be careful. If you can believe it, even though he has been screwing around, he can base the divorce on you dating somebody else. I think you do deserve some happiness. You have served your time, he is an idiot. If it is any consolation, he will find all of his women stupid, fat, boring etc.... I highly doubt he will ever be happy.
1 person likes this
@growingupthree (54)
• United States
26 Sep 09
Well the good thing about all this is that he is military and can be punished by them if I choose. Even serving jail time. He has already filed the papers for irreconcilable differences. He just did not sign the papers before he left. I hope that he does not try to do anything dumb when he gets back and just signs the papers. You are right about him not ever really being happy. He is looking for the excitement and now that they have a baby it is going to be putting a damper on the bar hopping, partying and vacations. Then he will be ready to find someone else to party with.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
25 Sep 09
It is YOUR life and not theirs. Yes, they should just keep their thoughts and opinions to themselves but some people just never know when to keep their mouths shut or out of someone elses business. Please don't listen to those people...not one bit. Anyone that cares about you (and that is all that should matter) would care more about your personal happiness and they would not be judging you on this. Your biggest concern should be for your own peace of mind and the happiness of your girls. Your own happiness is as important for your girls as it is for you.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
26 Sep 09
Yes, The kids can tell if you are are really happy or not no matter how you try to cover it. I think you have put up with enough and should start living your life for you and your kids starting now. Why would you be respectable to a marriage that he disrespected so terribly? You have only one life. I think you have already held up enough of it for this marriage. don't you? Don't worry on what others will think or say. They aren't the ones there living it.
@growingupthree (54)
• United States
26 Sep 09
I think you are right about my happiness being important for my girls. I believe that my sadness has been having an impact on them. I think it will be easier to heal the hurt if we move on rather than dwelling on it for another year and then waiting a "respectable" amount of time.
1 person likes this
@kutedarsu (254)
• India
25 Sep 09
Past is past. the concern should be your happiness, with a guy who loves you. Having found such a guy, it doesn't make sense not to date again. It all depends on how strong this relationship is going to be. Everyone will have an opinion and a perception, but that doesn't mean they've completely understood your point of view. Go ahead and do what's best for the rest of your's and your kids' lives
@growingupthree (54)
• United States
26 Sep 09
My guy is handling things pretty well and even met my in-laws. If my mother and father-in-law can take to him and see how well he treats us then maybe the rest will come around in time. At least be able to put their opinions to the side and just enjoy being with my family.
@growingupthree (54)
• United States
26 Sep 09
Yes, he is having to give support for the kids. It is very hard trying to be both Mom and Dad. He isn't wanting to replace their father just spend time with them. It is nice having someone to at least just talk to me at the end of the day.
@growingupthree (54)
• United States
25 Sep 09
That is why I like this man so much. I called him to break a date after my babysitter couldn't follow through. Instead, of getting upset or anything his answer was bring them too and five bucks for whoever could get ready and in the car the fastest so we wouldnt be late. lol
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
25 Sep 09
You guys are divorced...whether those papers are signed. The papers dont decide when you can move on and start dating again...YOU do. You deserve to be happy after being faithful to a deployed man who cheated on YOU.
Don't let ANYONE make you feel guilty!! It sounds like you and this new guy are really happy and you should focus on that. And hey! He gets along with your children!! That is an amazing find in a guy! You don't want to give it up because some people think it's wrong.
If your husband can have a fiance then you can most certainly have a boyfriend!!!
Good luck, and congratultions :)
1 person likes this
@growingupthree (54)
• United States
25 Sep 09
Thank you. He gets along great with my kids. In fact, they have him so wrapped they could get away with nearly anything. He even takes them on dates with us. lol I have to be the one to say hey you think we could get an evening to ourselves.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
25 Sep 09
Hi oh yes you have earned the right to be happy again. date'by all means. perhaps that man who will love you and be faithful'
to you and your kids is right around the corner someplace.
You don't have to put up with others silly opinions. You know
what you lived through and you owe it to yourself to find
some happiness. good luck,God bless you.
1 person likes this
@growingupthree (54)
• United States
25 Sep 09
Thanks to everyone who has responded. I didn't quite expect this many people to respond. I feel silly reading everyone's response for even doubting myself to start with. I think I owe it to my children as well. If I am not happy it is going to affect them as well.
@med889 (5941)
•
25 Sep 09
You are not wrong at all, I am not judging you but if I were in your place I would not be considering this to be wrong because I have been faithful with my husband and he left me with three daughters whom I raised up while he was not here and now he cannot just imposed on me like this, I would never consider dating a bad reason for what my husband has done to me. So you are not wrong growingupthree.
@growingupthree (54)
• United States
26 Sep 09
Thank you for responding. I just had to ask some people who do not know me. I feel silly for even asking the question now. But with so many people telling me that I am in the wrong and that now I am just as guilty as he is. sighh!
@betsyhu (207)
• China
25 Sep 09
Whichever nation or country, if you are woman, you have same characteristic with others. Having to accepted the fact that it's man's world indeed, in spite of matter or spirit, woman rely on man more or less,which make woman into terrible and puzzled if your man leave you.
So we have to learn to protect ourselves, especially in spirit.
Now is 21 century, job is not difficult for us to find if we want.
Giving a material life for ourselves as same as spirit independently
1 person likes this
@growingupthree (54)
• United States
26 Sep 09
Yes it is still somewhat a mans world and when we get married we should be able to rely on the person we are with. I am slowly getting back on my feet in many ways. No it is mainly just working on the spirit side of things. Thank you for responding.
@happy6162 (3001)
• United States
25 Sep 09
I do not see anything wrong with you dating again. He is the one who did not want anything to do with you. You and your girls should be happy and be able to get on with your life. You should not let his family or your family make you put your lives on hold for him. Seeing as you still have some family member support then just live your life and do not worry about the family members who want you to wait. They will get over it soon.
1 person likes this
@growingupthree (54)
• United States
25 Sep 09
You are so right. He has not put his life on hold or even slowed down. I have just cut the ringer off on my phone and calling back the ones I want to talk to. I hope they come around soon. Maybe when the holidays get here and they see how happy we are they will.
@zkapfo123 (319)
• India
25 Sep 09
Hi there, I really pity you, and the way your husband treated you and your kids. Learning from what you had said, i tell you, this man is not fit to be a husband for any wife. From the way he has treated you, i'm pretty sure he'll do the same thing to his fiance after 2 or 3 years. I know that he'll start to miss you and the kids once he descends from cloud 9. About your family's apprehensions about you dating again, i think they are just trying to protect you from being hurt again.I encourage you to move on ahead and be strong both mentally and spiritually, so that you may have the courage and strenght to face the world anew.
@growingupthree (54)
• United States
26 Sep 09
Some of them do think it is just too soon. Maybe they'll come around pretty soon. I am sure that he will do the same thing to her. For his children's sake, I hope he can get himself together one day.
@mdoucet904 (23)
• United States
25 Sep 09
Bless your heart.
I am going to tell you the magic word. It's the one I use when a relationship goes bad. It's a 4 letter word but it is very empowering and oddly enough will make you feel so much better.
Are you ready?
NEXT!
Seriously, get on with it. Two years is too long. You have obviously given this relationship more consideration than he has. Why spend another minute on it?
NEXT!
1 person likes this
@growingupthree (54)
• United States
25 Sep 09
you are so right! It does make me feel better and a little empowered. Now, Where else can I use this word in my life? lol
@trilliansramblings (160)
• United States
25 Sep 09
You are absolutely right. This man not only treated you horribly, but you say he wants nothing to do with his children now, too. The one thing you're supposed to be able to tell your kids in a situation like this is that their father did not walk out on them, he walked out on you. But now you can't even honestly say that. You should absolutely start dating again. Those girls need a male influence in their life who will accept them and care about them. Without that they will likely grow up with some severe self-esteem issues.
The reason you're not divorced yet is because of him and his inability (or reluctance?) to sign the papers. To put your life on hold because of him is to give him control over your life that he shouldn't have. If anyone says something bad about you that concerns this situation, just look them in the eye and ask, "Do you talk like this to that home-wrecker he's with now?" It may be not be the most polite thing to say, but it will likely put a quick stop to the conversation.
1 person likes this
@growingupthree (54)
• United States
25 Sep 09
It may not be polite but I like it. They all talk to her and are nicer to her then they are me. I'm like what the hay? She knew she was messing with a married man. I understand they want a civil relationship with her for the baby's sake but mine were here first. There is no reason for them to be nasty with me at all.
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
26 Sep 09
After going through all the pain of heartaches I feel it is only fair that you find someone to fill the void. You are entitled to love someone. There is no point of listening to relatives who only know how to talk but do not really feel the pain you have gone through. It is time to move on.
@growingupthree (54)
• United States
26 Sep 09
I believe you are right and it is time to move on. This is not the way I wanted things to turn out to be but it is not something that I can change. The only thing left to do now is to deal with it and move on. Thanks for responding.
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
26 Sep 09
Heck no you're not wrong to be dating again! You and your husband separated TWO YEARS AGO...does the family not get what that means? It means that you've been living apart and separate...as if you were not married anymore. You're not bound by a piece of paper and obviously he hasn't been either so you do what you feel is right and tell your family to MYOB.
@growingupthree (54)
• United States
26 Sep 09
Thanks for responding. You are right he broke the bonds of our marriage and he certainly didn't wait for the papers.
@lynnemg (4529)
• United States
26 Sep 09
If you are eady to date then go for it. My thought on that one is that once we get to the point where we can even think about dating someone new, then we no longer have that emotional atachment and we are in essence divorced, whether it is finalized on paper or not. If he left two years ago, has a new fiance, has a kid with her, and everything else, one, he should have signed the papers long ago, and two, you have every right to move on and become happy as you deserve. Your girls also deserve to be happy, and I think that you are the type to think of them before you make a decision. If you and your girls are happy, then be happy and don't let others drag you down. As you said, you have been sad long enough.
@growingupthree (54)
• United States
26 Sep 09
You are right about thinking of my children first. If it wasn't for my children pushing me to attend an event, I wouldn't have even met this man. My two older girls are the ones that gave him our number after I refused. They even begged and pleaded on his behalf that I accept his phone calls. I now know I was set up by my brothers and my girls but it has so far turned into a good thing.
@Laurie1986 (384)
• United States
26 Sep 09
You're absolutely in the right. The legal status of your marriage is the least important thing here--he's out of the picture; he abandoned you. There is no reason for you to wait, especially when someone who seems like he's a wonderful person to date has walked into your life. Tell your family just that, and if they continue whining, tell them that you are hanging up the phone, not responding to the text/email, ending the visit, whatever, until they can be nice. If they can't mind their own business, they can talk to you and your daughters after the divorce is final. Stick with the positive. If they can't be positive, they can wait.
@growingupthree (54)
• United States
26 Sep 09
It has been a long two years and we need something positive in our life. So far he has been a wonderful person to me and my children. If my brothers can't find anything wrong with him then he can't be too bad. lol Now my dads on the other hand.
@growingupthree (54)
• United States
26 Sep 09
LOL My baby decided I was done before I was. He has yet to meet my dad so we will have to wait and see if he passes the Dad test.
@jodylee_04530 (1097)
• United States
25 Sep 09
I say, let yourself be happy! It sounds like you could use a bit of a nice guy in your life. I hope this person is treating you with more respect then the last. If I were in your shoes, I would not let him or his family judge me anymore. Keep it civil for the kids but that is it. Don't give any extra information on your personal life and keep living your life to put a smile on your face. It sounds to me like he has stripped some of your self confidence, and I truly believe it is time for you to take it back! Be happy, and be happier knowing that you are happy!
1 person likes this
@growingupthree (54)
• United States
25 Sep 09
I am happier than I have been in years. Not only that but my children are happier. Yes he treats us with way more respect. Oh yeah, my self confidence definitely took a blow.
@ybong007 (6643)
• Philippines
26 Sep 09
hey girl, you deserve all the happiness in the world for all the pain you've been through. But you need closure...take care of the divorce and then move on. Without closure, happiness is fleeting. Listen to your family, they will always be at your side. Their advices may not be what you want to hear but they are seeing the big picture.
@growingupthree (54)
• United States
26 Sep 09
Thank you for responding. You have giving a different light to the discussion. I understand the ones that think it is too soon and the ones that think I need closure as they are looking out for my well being. I do not understand the ones that just want me to wait because of what our small town thinks. Shouldn't they be concerned with what I think and want?
I have signed the papers and believe that I have put closure to this on my side. I believe he did not sign the papers on purpose. He would have lost nearly 800 dollars a month while he was in Iraq coming to a grand total of $9,600. He gets more money if he is married. He really may not have had time to sign them in the 3 months they were ready before his deployment. However, seeing as he had time to go to bars, go to parties, and go on a 3 week vacation to Alaska, I highly doubt he was too busy.
Your thoughts have given me a different perspective on things and something to consider. Maybe I am being too harsh on the family that wants me to wait for me.
@ybong007 (6643)
• Philippines
26 Sep 09
Thanks for taking everything into consideration, oftentimes people are blinded when they are hurt. When you are hurting it's easy to see the mistakes people did unto us. As far our your husband is concernd, try not to despise him, there should be a reason why he is acting this way. I'm sure its not easy for him as well. To think that you married that guy and bore 3 kids already means a lot. For the moment, face hindrances that stands between you and your happiness. If your husband can still find a way to be happy inspite of what he's gone through, so can you.
