How much has to happen in a month............

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......before you begin to wonder when the train of your life pulled out of the station without you on it? A few weeks ago, I spent just over a week in Toronto with my oldest son. I had gone back to be with him because we were afraid his cancer had come back. Thank the Goddess, that wasn't the case and we celebrated by going skydiving. But that's another story. lol During my stay we visited art galleries and museums and high end stores like Tiffany's, and hole in the wall book stores, where we found treasures and trash and all kinds of wonderful things. And of course, I have a story and a picture for each place we went. I miss living in the city and in the short time I was back in one of my favorite ones in the whole world, I made the most of it. Even hooked up for sushi with an ex lover. I've aged better than he has (haven't seen him in over 30 years), so that was a nice surprise. LOL And he's still single...................go figure! ROFL When I returned to my lonely Prairie home, my computer died a rather sudden death and for a couple of weeks I suffered worse withdrawal symptoms, than quitting smoking. Just a day after I got my new and highly improved computer, I received a phone call. I don't often answer the phone...............I prefer to let it go to voice mail when I don't recognize the number and get back to the calls later. But this one was different. Caller ID told me it was from the Government of Ontario. Oh hell, I thought.............they're gonna charge me for stomping on the instep of that insufferable guard at Tiffany's! Being a good citizen and oh so righteous in my anger at injustice, I answered the call prepared to stand up for my rights. Well take the wind right out of my sails! It wasn't the Attorney General's Office, it was the Adoption Registry. Back when I was a lass, my twin brother and I were adopted. I knew I had older brothers and sisters, I knew I was Irish, I knew my mother was dead and figured by now my father was too. Well it turns out, I was only right on two counts................I do have older brothers and sisters, and my father died in 1994. But gobsmack me into the next county, I am NOT pure Irish and my mother (who I thought had died of tuberculosis|) survived the disease and is now living in the U.S. Considering my own advanced age, she must be close to ninety. Seems we're a long lived clan............oh dear! lol One of my brothers, and one of my sisters are registered with the Adoption Registry and have apparently been looking for me and my twin for some time. I gave my permission for them to contact me by email and have spoken to them both. Seems my brother lives in B.C. and my sister in Alberta. I have been less than a day's drive from both of them for the past 9 years and didn't know it. We are planning to meet up in Alberta over Christmas. I have learned so much about my REAL biological roots, which explains a lot of my inherent dreams and wishes (like living and dying in England.............my father comes from Devon) the choice of my son's names (my oldest is named Devon), my mother comes from Ireland (county Cork as I always believed) and so many other things. I was also told that MS is prevalent in our family. This news I have to share with my twin brother............a man who refuses to admit that there was life before adoption at the age of 10. A man I frankly do not like very much for a myriad of reasons only a sibling could appreciate, but which I have not shared with mine..... Of course I also had to tell my adoptive parents as there were papers and things I needed to request from them. Being a coward and much more articulate in writing than in speech, I emailed them the whole story a week ago, but have yet to hear back from them. That worries me...... So for the past two weeks, I feel like I've been living the life a bigamist. One family here, another one there, and both coming together in my head and heart. I can't seem yet, to sort out my feelings about all this. I've been having the most confusing dreams and awake every morning and go to bed every night full of more questions than even my naturally questioning nature is accustomed to. One thing I am very sure of...................being adopted is often a difficult thing. Not the being adopted............the being an adoptee if you see what I mean. All of us, during adolescence, during mid-life, and for some, other times too, wonder about our place in life, our purpose, our identity. Our sense of belonging is so integral to our mental health. Being aware of having been adopted and accepting it and getting on with life, is one thing. Being adopted and getting on with life and suddenly coming face to face with your own living biological history is quite another. I keep telling myself, that at my age, I've had enough life experience to be able to handle, and come to terms with, just about anything. For the most part, I'm right. So the confusion and sense of unreality I now feel is very unsettling. Will meeting my siblings resolve these new issues that have colored my life? I don't know. And that's what scares me. WILL I be able to come to terms, accept and rejoice and find room for a dual existence? If I do, I greatly fear that I will be doing it alone as my twin has no interest and my adopted parents are just too old to absorb all this with equanimity. Well. At least this coming Christmas promises to be full of .................. many things.