Talking to a young child about skin colour

Momof, I can quite imagine that your boy (perhaps momentarily) felt uncomfortable about being brown. Boys like to be like their dads and he must have been aware that he is not as black-skinned as his dad. Possibly the real reason why he didn't like black people looking at him was that it seemed to him at the time that they were thinking "You are not black like us". It's hard to know what goes on in a child's mind at times. Sometimes the thoughts and ideas are far too sophisticated for them to even understand, let alone express. I think, too, that many children are aware that some impressions are fleeting and even if they do remember why they thought (and expressed) something a moment ago, they don't feel that way any more, so why should they bother about it further?

Thanks jenny. I've talked to her about it twice now, and she's told me that she's not being horrible about the people, just about their skin. (Which makes it ok in her mind..) I'm going to keep an eye on it because I don't want this to develop into anything worse, and I don't want her to upset her friends. It's great that your daughter plays with barbie dolls of all colours, my daughter's not really into dolls, but she has books with characters of different colours and from different countries. It must be very frustrating for you that your ex is feeding your son with hateful stuff like that. I can see how hard it must be to teach your son about that being wrong. It really is a minefield isn't it? Thanks for your comment, and good luck to you too.

Wow. This had to have shocked you, just like the day a few months ago that my son (then 4, now 5), we were in a waiting room with two different areas. When we went to the part where he could no longer see the people out in the other area, he told me he "didn't want those black people looking at him" !! He said this QUIETLY thank God! I STILL have no idea what could have possibly caused him to say this. HE is biracial. His dad is very dark, African. They are around just as many dark skinned people as light skinned. I even asked his teacher if anything had happened in preschool that she could think of, she said no, and she was also shocked that he'd said that. As I recall, I saved my comments for the privacy of our van and then asked him why he'd say that. (No answer) And I said things like that his dad is black, that makes him black...and he informed me that no, he is BROWN....which is true, so literal, LOL I have not heard any more comments like that from him. With my daughter, I'm already worried about what she's going to think of her hair, more so than her skin. I just make as many positive comments about it as I can without it being fake--like when I'm washing it, styling it whatever. Specific things I like about it. And I point out kids with her hair type on TV, in books, whatever. She is starting on her own to point out little girls with her hair type and the styles she likes--and she is only 2! (I try to do what she likes myself, and I've taken her for braids a couple times already. I really want her to see that she's got great, fun hair even if it is not probably a couple feet long and straight-straight-straight.) Skin's a little harder...but some of the same things could work. I've already told mine they are lucky they don't burn in the sun like me. ;) Maybe pointing out people she likes with darker skin, maybe that will help her see it doesn't really matter?? it's a hard one....

Yes I think just letting it drop and settle for now is best. It could be just the camparison with colors that caused her to say this. quite a good imagination. If there is any more to it, I'm sure you will know in due time. Until then , I think you are right in just letting it fade away.

Thanks, it's probably good advice about letting it drop for now. I don't want to make a mountain when it's probably just a molehill. And yes, I'd like to teach her about how looks aren't what's important. I can't think who would have put this thought in her head, and hate to think that anyone she knows would talk about this to her. She's only with me, her family and her friends, who are from all different backgrounds. It just seems that she's taking her views of colour and applying them to people's skin, just like she does to clothes or crayon colours.

That's funny! Kids say the most original things. I'm hoping that she will be over this soon, thanks for your advice.

Thanks Galena, I love your answer! That's a very nice way of putting it, and I think that she'd relate to that and understand it. She does seem to be expressing her likes and dislikes over colours, and she was quite shocked that I thought she had said something wrong. I do need to emphasise the bit about being kind to people, as I wouldn't want her to upset anyone.

Ah, that's a really sad story that you didn't like your own skin. I'm glad that you stopped thinking like that. Although I suppose when you're growing up it's normal to be unhappy with how you look, and skin colour is just one aspect of that. It is very unfortunate that the media is so judgemental about skin colour, not just in the Philippines but in many countries of the world. I really wish that someday this will change, maybe they are slowly changing already as people are travelling more, coming in contact with people who are different from themselves and there are a lot more inter-racial relationships - but it's happening much too slowly and there's still much too much colour prejudice around. Thanks for your answer.

Thanks for your answer. As far as I can tell she still likes her friends with different colour skin, she just doesn't like the colour of her skin. I know that distinction still doesn't make it sound great though . We've had a few conversations now about how it's not nice to say bad things about peoples' skin colour and her reply was something like "Oh I won't tell them I don't like their colour, I just don't like brown". I don't want to push it too far and make it into something it's not, so I'm just going to watch it carefully for now.

Thanks for your answer Shar19. Yes, you're right, I know that it's all innocent and she doesn't mean anything bad by it, just don't want anyone to hear her and get the wrong idea.. I like what you said about telling her that everyone is beautiful in their own special way.

Thanks a lot for sharing your experience with your daughter. That was also a very difficult situation. Children just say what they see, and although what they say sometimes sounds ever so wrong, in their mind they are saying what's logical. Your daughter's situation, I guess demonstrates the fact that we fear the things we don't understand, or haven't been exposed to before. I'm hoping that it will just blow over with my daughter. I will be consistent and try not to blow it out of proportion. It shocked me at first, but I think it was really her being logical and thinking that she can apply her colour preferences to everything, but not understanding that when you're talking about skin colour that's not appropriate. She also has friends of different races, and hopefully that will continue.

Thanks for your answer. Yes, what she's saying is based purely on the colours that she does and doesn't like, and it's all very innocent. Hope she will move on from it soon.