I'm tired of living!
By savak03
@savak03 (6684)
United States
December 9, 2009 8:43am CST
Many of you know that I moved from South Georgia to Tennessee to live with my daughter. She promoted this because as she said she wanted to 'take care of me.' I had spent 20 plus years taking care of my disabled husband and had pretty much ruined my own health in the process. I have almost constant pain that is only marginally managed by regular pain medication.
During the years that I lived in south Georgia after my husband had died I had had stuff stolen from me on a regular basis. My meds were stolen, money, tools and electronics. Anything that could be stolen was. My daughter and my son lived with me most of the time down there and they had their friends in and out so it was hard to prove who had been doing it. Since I caught my son's wife one time I laid the rest of it on her, but now I am rethinking that.
When I moved up here so my daughter could 'take care of me' I soon realized that they needed me to take care of them. My sil could not, or would not hold a job. My daughter was not forthcoming about how much financial trouble they were in until we were evicted from the house they had bought. So, I went back to work and started trying to get us out from under. The sil got himself into college where he was learning to be a welder. I didn't really think this was going to help him any but my daughter was sure that once he learned this skill he would be able to get and keep a job that would make a living wage. So I buckled down to carry the family while trying hard not to make him feel bad about it.
About 6 weeks before he was to complete his education he picked a fight with my daughter and they split up. Now she is beginning to tell me all things he had done and said. Before now she always defended him and would tell me not to talk bad about him. By the way, he got kicked out of school, too.
What brought on this moment of truthfulness on her part was the fact that about half of my pain pills went missing one day while he was here. I didn't think about the fact that he had been here and made all the adults in my household sit down for a talk where I told them how many were missing and that someone was responsible. My daughter tried to tell me I was taking more of them than I thought I was but I told her unless I was sleepwalking and took about twenty at one time while doing it that was not so. Later we found half of one pill and residue on a razor blade where he crushed one of them up to snort it while he was here. So now she admits that he was the one that was stealing my pain meds when they lived with me in Georgia and now I realize he was probably behind a lot of the other thefts as well. Of course I still can't prove any of this so the only recourse I have is to lock up everything I have or carry it all with me anytime I leave the house.
To add insult to injury now my daughter has moved another man/boy in the house and I'm not so sure about his morals. He acts like he is trying to help but he doesn't have a steady job either. My daughter can't seem to do anything without being glued to his side and is not paying as much attention to her children that she used to and should.
I admit that I am a bit of a packrat and have a lot of boxes that I haven't sorted and put the contents to use. He has been "sorting and cleaning" and then I find some of the things I had packed away in their room. It seems like he thinks that anything he comes across is community property and that he is free to make use of it. I may be nitpicking here but although it may be junk it is my junk.
Another thing that has begun to bother me is when I say anything to either of them in criticism my daughter jumps down my throat. I mentioned to her last night that I wish she wouldn't put boxes and bags of trash on the front porch because it looks bad. She snapped back that everything on the front porch was garbage. In truth, I had several boxes of left over yard sale things still on the front porch. When the yard sale was over I packed it all up neatly and left it there since we didn't use the front door and the porch is well covered. Of course this stuff has also been plundered through and scattered all over the porch now so yes it does look like junk. But if hehadn't been plundering through it it would not look that way.
I truly hate to fight but I see one coming on with my daughter. I don't think she intended to 'take care of' me when she wanted me to move up here but instead wanted me to take care of her. The thing is if I moved out she would have no way to keep a roof over her head. Since she nor the new man/boy in her life is working they cannot pay any bills and my grandkids would end up on the street. If I tried to throw her and the boyfriend out and keep the kids there would be war and anyway I really don't want the responsibility of raising any more kids. Does that make me selfish?
To all of you that waded through this long rant I am deeply grateful. All feedback is welcome and in fact eagerly looked for. Sometimes being too close to a situation makes it impossible to see a solution so maybe I can figure out how to proceed from your advice.
7 people like this
23 responses
@mysdianait (66009)
• Italy
11 Dec 09
Savak I am so sad to read how this has all turned out. Iremember when you were moving and the case for the delays andstuff. I remember reading all through your dicussions over the months - about the puppies, about you fixing the car about YOU doing everything and being so dynamic and now has come the time for you to think about YOU!
It is not going to be easy but your have a right to your ownlife and should not be supporting your daughter and all that surround her for one moment longer. The more time you take to make a move out of this situation the harder it will be to do and the more you are going to wind yourself up and sink lower intosome other state of mind 
I know you care for your daughter and your grandchildren because there are part of you but it will soon end up that they smother you and no-one has that right whether they are relatives or not. Start taking action, even if only by writing down all the various options and then start working out what you could do to get out of this situation and start living for YOU.
Do it now Savak while you still have some options open!
I know you care for your daughter and your grandchildren because there are part of you but it will soon end up that they smother you and no-one has that right whether they are relatives or not. Start taking action, even if only by writing down all the various options and then start working out what you could do to get out of this situation and start living for YOU.
Do it now Savak while you still have some options open!2 people like this
@mysdianait (66009)
• Italy
17 Dec 09
Dear Savak it has been five days...
I do hope you will have time to pop in and keep us updated so that we know that all is well. You have given us reasons enough to think that you are not a happy bunny right now. Hugssssss!
1 person likes this
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
7 Jan 10
Hey mysd. Just a little update. Me and my son have had several discussions about what action to take. We have decided to get another place of our own. Mind you my daughter has made several comments about how she was going to move out but we've decided not to wait for that because there is no way she can move out when neither she nor the new boyfriend is working. She has applied for welfare and I guess she thinks that she will be able to do so much when that comes through. She is going to be sadly mistaken when she finds out just how little that check will be.
1 person likes this
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
12 Dec 09
I knew I could rely on you and my other friends here to point me in the right direction. It is very hard to admit how big a fool we can be. It is true that I care for my family and I guess that is natural but the caring should go both ways. It don't seem to be doing that in my case and I guess it's time I figured that out.
2 people like this
@anne25penn (3305)
• Philippines
10 Dec 09
I find it hard to believe that some children do this to their ageing parents when they should be the ones who need to be cared for. I cannot really give you advise, but I do wish that you find a solution to your dilemma.
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
12 Dec 09
It is becoming more common in the times we live in. Parents and grand parents used to be cherished for the work they did and the knowledge and wisdom they have accrued. Now they are just used and abused and thrown away when they can no longer serve a useful function. That's why there are so many nursing homes in our country. And even there old people are being neglected and abused.
2 people like this
@bellis716 (4799)
• United States
10 Dec 09
You are right, your daughter wanted you to take care of her, rather than the other way 'round. You need to get out of there. Once in your own place, you will still need to keep your valuables under lock and key. If your daughter is not taking care of her children, she should be reported to the child welfare department, or whatever it is called in Tennessee, but you can hardly do this until you are not a part of her household. Move out ASAP! Are you a Christian? If so, I urge you to become active in a local congregation. If you are not a Christian, the same advice goes. You need the support of loving friends, and you are not going to get it from blood kin.
2 people like this
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
12 Dec 09
I am a Christian, and part of my plans for my life had been to grow spiritually but I find myself regressing instead. Living with people who smoke and do other things that the Bible condemns will wear a person down. I have not wanted to ask my congregation for help because I didn't want to admit how big a fool I had been but I know they would help and not judge so I will have to do that. I am just trying to muster the backbone to finally tell my daughter all these things. When I make the break it is going to have to be the last time. She will have to sink or swim on her own. I have not done her or the grand kids any favors by continuing to be her life line.
2 people like this
@aerous (13434)
• Philippines
11 Dec 09
Hello savack03,
Well, I'm sorry to know that you suffer those things in your life. I wish that you had the opportunity to fix everything that makes worried about. Just believe in God, and have a fervent prayers to lets away from those uncertainties in your life...have a nice day!
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
12 Dec 09
Prayer is a comfort and can help bring things into focus. Sometimes though we are so downtrodden that we can't muster the words to pray. That unfortunately is when we need to pray even more. Starting this discussion and talking to all of you here has helped me get my focus back. There will soon be a resolution to this problem one way or another. I am going to have to do what's needed even if it hurts.
2 people like this
@TickleMeBreathless (590)
• United States
9 Dec 09
I have no experience in this at all, seeing as I'm still the ripe age of 18. However, I do know a thing or two about having to stand up and say something. I had to take care of my disabled mother since when I was 8 my father stopped doing it, and I still have to take care of her. I had to almost raise my own father, who besides work has no idea how to function. It's as if once he gets off work, he comes home and sits in front of the tv. And does nothing until he works again. I also had to learn to say things in school, where people would constantly steal from me, copy my work and claim it as their own, use me as the butt of their jokes, etc.
In your situation, I would be torn. I know there are children involved, but I think that's precisely WHY your daughter needs some tough love. She has to realize when you have children you can't act like a child yourself. And for goodness sake if you're going to have someone move in with you know more about them first! I know it sounds terribly harsh, but you need to leave her on her own to figure things out. You could offer to take the children for a month or so until she can get a job, but don't offer to let her move in as well. Or perhaps tell her that if she doesn't get a job within a month, or the man doesn't, you're leaving them to fend for themselves because you can take care of yourself, she needs to learn how to take care of a family. HER family.
I'm sorry you're in such a sticky situation. =[ I do hope you can find a way to work this out. [And again, I'm sorry if my advice doesn't help much - I've still got quite a bit to learn myself about life.]
2 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
9 Dec 09
ticklemebreathless for a young person you do have a lot of common sense and hope she listens to you. her daughter really is using her and it just doesnt seem fair to me. you are so right, she needs to learn how to takd care of her family.
1 person likes this
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
12 Dec 09
Don't disparage yourself because of your age. You obviously have a very level head on your shoulders. Actually your advice about setting a deadline for them to get a job and be able to afford their own place makes real good sense. I think I am going to give them until the first of February. That will get them through the end of the year. I am going to sit down with them tomorrow afternoon and try to have a discussion with them. Even if it turns into a fight at least I will have let her know how I feel.
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
10 Dec 09
It is NOT selfish to not want to take the entire responsibility of raising kids all over again…in your lifetime you’ve done your own work and now you can only help partially in taking care but the entire responsibility is definitely now your own.
I really don’t know what to say except that I feel very very sorry for you…you’ve been fooled and used in the most abominable way…I too am a daughter to aging parents and a mother to a growing son AND a dil to loving parents-in-law…they are all invaluable to me and both my parents and in-laws have done more than their bit to take care of my son but I have never taken them for granted. Your daughter is acting in the most irresponsible way and it was a mistake for you to move in with her…but how were you to know then *sigh*…I think moving out would be your best option thought I don’t know if that would be economically feasible for you…and then there are the grand kids…you can of course leave your daughter to her fate so that she at least wakes up…but the kids would be in real trouble for no fault of their’s and I do know just how much a grandma loves her grandkids…tough call for you any way you look at it and I understand and my wishes are with you that the situation should improve soon.
And never be TIRED of living...life has so much to offer and you should be ready to exit only when you happily want to...never in sadness.
1 person likes this
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
12 Dec 09
It was a mistake to move in with my daughter. A huge one. I am going to have to rectify that. Unfortunately, the situation has turned into a trap and it is going to take some effort to get out of it.
Count your blessing that you have such a good family. More and more families today seem to be dysfunctional. That's a sad commentary on the times we live in.
@chertsy (3798)
• United States
14 Dec 09
First I like to say, Bless your heart. Maybe you need to move out on your own. There's a lot of places here in TN, that has cheap rentings. Your daughter is being disrespectful towards you and your belongings. It's time that you take time for yourself, your daughter is old enough to take care of herself, and time to grow up and raise her own kids. She shouldn't let this new guy go through your stuff. Taking without asking is stealing in any shape or form. You should go and claim back your things and honestly look for somewhere you can live and be happy. You did your part and raised your child, it's time for her to stand on her own two feet.
1 person likes this
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
22 Dec 09
I have stated reclaiming my tools and stuff and believe me it is not sitting to well with her. When I told her I wanted all my tools gathered back up and brought back to my room she said "so if we need to use a tool you want us to bother you to get it?" I immediately said "yes, because that way I will know where my tools are and who has them and they will be available to me when I want them."
1 person likes this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
10 Dec 09
Dear savak....truly, my heart goes out to you, as you must feel like a caged and cornered soul! You're darned if you do...and you're darned if you don't! One true picture that I can see, looking from the outside in....very soon, living in this amount of stress, your health will start to fail! You have been thru 20 years with your dear departed husband's infirmity...have NOT recovered from that, and now...hurled right back into the frey! IF YOU don't care for yourself...SOON...who will care for you. I really believe you need to step outside of this melee, and let the chips fall where they may! You will NOT be able to help, if you are both mentally spent and physically challenged. I believe that if you were still not in the grieving process, you may NOT have stepped into this situation...as you already knew it was precarious, but possibly your judgment was a bit clouded by your heart.
I don't know, dear girl, if you are mobile (where your pain stems from) but I think the first thing I would do, would be to move my "boxes of memories," to a mini-storage...now they are safe & secure. Then I would quietly look for a new home...FOR YOU...and ONLY YOU! You need a quiet safe haven (and that is from mental abuse) to think things thru clearly! You may decide you wish to move back to Georgia..or move on elsewhere!
I am not overlooking the grandchildren here, or your fear of leaving them in this situation....but I really think they do need you...but they need you as a healthy, happy person, a soft place for them to land, once in a while. It is easy for me to say ... but I do realize the gravity of your situation! Don't take this wrong, you are in the middle of it, it hasn't improved the situation, because you are not in control of yourself! If you moved out, were able to think clearly...and get healthy, there would be more of you to add as a grandmother.
I truly concur with most of the mylotters here...time to move out, move on, and take care of you..and ONLY you! Everyday is a challenge...but in your situation, it is more than one dear soul can handle.
Please, please take care .. I am sure you will be happier when you are in charge of your own destiny....you owe it to yourself! Keep us posted, please!
1 person likes this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
12 Dec 09
First, let me say...I am soooooo glad to hear back from you, I have fretted since I read your post....wishing that I lived close, as I have a totally self-contained basement suite...Empty.
Dear girl, you must look after your health, and that will come with peace & quiet, away from all the stress!
I truly do hope you can find your way clear, to rent a mini-storage, and remove your items from the household, and I think you will start to feel a little progress.
Keep us posted...and good health, God bless!
1 person likes this
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
12 Dec 09
You may have something there. A mini storage might be a good idea at that. There is one right down the street and I could lock everything up that I didn't want anyone to mess with with. I could even keep my extra medication in there and just keep a few days worth with me. Then when it came time to actually move out, and I am going to, there would be less to pack up and leave with.
You are right I must be in charge of my own destiny.
2 people like this
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
10 Dec 09
Where to start. For one thing...you sound very self sufficient. It does not sound as if you need nor are you getting much help from your daughter. As a mom of 4 daughters....I am sorry for you because I can only imagine what this feels like. Your daughter is choosing losers for boyfriends. I can see this...you can see this...sadly she can't. these guys are no doubt going thru your things and finding things of value that you may not even know have value. A piece of what you think is junk jewlery can bring in 100 or more dollars. an old picture frame that is ugly and what you may think is junk could be worth a lot. Some old post card can bring in a lot of money....things you would think are worthless because all they are to you is sentimental. Some of my grandmothers stuff that I would have thought worthless was worth tons of money. It still is as I would not part with it...just saying that I was shocked at it's value. You might be better off signing up for assisted living. They will set you up in an apartment based on your income. You can't obviously rely on your daughter. You still could be near enough to her to have a relationship with her but you would have control over your own life which is what you need.
1 person likes this
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
12 Dec 09
You are so right. I am very self sufficient. I wouldn't need help if I didn't have this albatross around my neck.
Some women just seem to be attracted to losers. I've seen this before but never thought a daughter of mine would be one of them. Oh well, there comes a time when they have to stand or fall on their own. The problem is I have a tendancy to feel guilty when they fail. This is a character flaw of my own that I am working on. It's hard though to accept that their failure is not my fault.
As far as anything of mine having hidden value that is not something that would happen. I used to be in the resale business so I can spot value a mile away. Sadly everything with any monetary value was lost before I moved up here. Never the less I could manage my own life and I guess it's time I did.
@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
9 Dec 09
I really feel sorry for the situation you are in. You sound like you are the one that is looking after everyone while all you get in return is garbage back. Though you have to do what is right for you, I think I would leave. It would be tough love so that maybe your daughter will realize that she needs to take responisiblity for herself and her kids. You may actually be helping her stay lazy because you are there to catch her. She doesn't need to look after her kids cause you are doing it. You spent all you adult life looking after your husband, you don't know how to be looked after yourself. You are allowing your daughter to be looked after by you. The grandkids are already around questionable people, so are you really saving them right now either. If they become homeless then maybe those kids can get some help that you are not capable of doing yourself and get the care you clearly need for you. I hope that you can find some peace no matter what you do about your situation.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
10 Dec 09
Savok,
I'm really thinking that you need to be and can be on your own. You sound to me like a really strong person and you are trying to care for everyone else. You need to care for you. There is a ton of help out there for you. You have worked hard and you deserve to live comfortable. Please apply for some assistance. If anyone deserves it...you do. you have worked...you've raised your kids and then some. You have put into the system and you deserve some help.
1 person likes this
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
9 Dec 09
Garbage, yes, that's what I keep getting. She seems to think that she knows everything better than everyone else. I thought the two years she spent here without me to fall back on would have taught her some sense but I guess I was mistaken.
I think you are right that the only role I know is one of a care giver. I don't know how to let someone else look after me. If I did I would not have went to work and started paying the bills but would have just let her fail on her own. Now I've got to get myself out of this situation.
You are right. I do need peace. I crave it more than anything.
1 person likes this
@sconibear (8016)
• United States
9 Dec 09
Sounds like your daughter needs some tough love and maybe you should move on and force her to figure out things for herself.
Unfortunately, then there's still the kids to take into consideration.
Seems to me you're just a game piece being used for whatever "they" can get out of you.
I don't know a sure fire solution, but I think it's going to require you to step out of the picture and worry about yourself, for your daughter to finally wake up and worry about herself, and her kids.
Good luck to you savak. I wish you nothing but the best and hope everything turns out better for you.
1 person likes this
@sconibear (8016)
• United States
9 Dec 09
Well I hope everything works out for you.
1 person likes this
@gitfiddleplayer (10362)
• United States
9 Dec 09
How old are you? I can see your daughter taking advantage of you because apparently she cannot take care of herself, or doesn't want to with mommy around. I don't mean to be rude but I will be blunt. When I lived at home I did what I was told but never above what I was supposed to, that is selfish, not what you think is selfish. I know you don't want to ruffle any feathers but you've got to stand up and say what is wrong with the whole situation. If you daughter wants to ruin her life you shouldn't stand there and watch it you should tell her useless live in sperm donor to get the heck out unless he is willing to help support her family. He is the man right? Probably not, he's a leech who knows he's got a good thing and probably uses his fear to control the situation, he's just a coward and when you scare a coward they get angry so handle that like a mom would who doesn't want a useless man around, use your gut on that one. I would tell your daughter to start acting like a mom and not a little kid, she took on this responsibility and now she has to do what is right. I don't know if your daughter knows how much it took from you to take care of your husband but she needs to know. Her kids are not yours to raise, you need to clear the air with your daughter or you might regret not having the chance. Tell that loser to get the heck out and start making a list of what needs to be done to make the relationship better, reach out to the community, find a church, find a YMCA for the kids to play at, something, but you've got to say what needs to be said. I hope things work out with your daughter, its Christmas time and this should be a fun time but often times its not.
1 person likes this
@owlwings (43910)
• Cambridge, England
9 Dec 09
I think all of us need counselling, Savak. Isn't that what friends are for? They may not be the best or most trained counsellors (and sometimes their advice is WAY out) but what they say makes US think and that is, really, all that a good counsellor is trained to do!
1 person likes this
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
9 Dec 09
I'm almost 59. To hear her tell it she takes care of everyone else. But that is her opinion. I would think that she does know what it took for me to care for my husband and family all those years. She did help me nurse him as she grew older and I guess my gratitude for that is one of the things that's making me vulnerable to her abuse now. There, I said it, what she is doing is indeed abuse. Maybe we all need counseling.
1 person likes this
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
7 Jan 10
I know and I value all the advice from my friends here. Just getting the subject in print, actually putting the facts down, helps a lot. By talking with all of you I have managed to get a plan in motion. I intend to have this whole thing resolved by the first of next month, February.
@dinglover (52)
• China
10 Dec 09
Hi Savak03, I really feel sorry for you. I think you'd move out and just keep an eye on what's going on with your grandchildren. just think about it, how long you can take care of your daughter and her family. if you do, you'll be dragged into her trouble. you have your own life,and she has her own. if for the grandchildren's sake, you stay and endure, you cannot really help out anyone but sacrifice youself. So just make up your mind, move out. I know it's tough and that's the only way. your daughter should recognize her own respoinsibility, and do the job. and the grandchildren are really unluck to have such parents. as a grandma, what can you do, i feel, just keep informed of their situation and if necessary, give a hand at the most crucial moment. that's all, but don't give up the whole happiness of your late years for them, since you cannot afford and on the other hand, the price, your help is not enough for them.
actually, my mother had met a similar situation, just a little better but still very tough. she's old, and my brother wished to take care of her, but it turned out that it was her who is taking care of the whole famiy: the son, the daughter-in-law and their newborn baby. they have enough money, no financial problems but they really did nothing at home. all the cooking, housekeeping and babycaring were loaded upon my mother. she had been like a worker in a sweatshop for one year. she loved the very young grandson, feeling sorry for him since his mother was not competent at all. but on the other hand, she could not burdened all those jobs, and slept bad, could feel her own health worsening. I persuaded her to move out and in with me, now she lives happily with us.
2 people like this
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
12 Dec 09
I have already been dragged into all her troubles and now I have to find the courage to extricate myself from them. It was a good thing that you could rescue your mother from her bad situation. My son would probably try to do the same for me but I don't know how much better that would be. He is not financially stable either and in fact lives with us too. Although he is really mad at the way his sister is behaving and is taking steps to get his family a place of their own. He talks about me and him getting a place together but I'm not sure that would not be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. I really think we all need to go our separate ways. However, I have to admit, my son has done more to help me in the short time he has been here than my daughter has in the almost two years I have been here.
2 people like this
@Grandmaof2 (7579)
• Canada
9 Dec 09
Much different circumstances but I used to constantly bail my brother out of trouble and same thing I did it because I loved him and I didn't want to dee him on the street. I could write a book on the stuff that he did and the good I did for him till one day I realized I wasn't helping him I was enabling him. Off all the stuff I did for him the best and smartest thiong I did was move. Once he didn't have me he buckled down worked paid his bills and slowed down on his party time. Tough Love is what it it, it's tough but it is Love. God Luck I know it's not easy but you need to live the rest of your life as well as you can too.
1 person likes this
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
12 Dec 09
You are right, I am not helping them. At this point the only ones I'm helping is my grand kids. I have tried cutting them loose before because I thought that they would have to man up as the saying goes if they didn't have me to fall back on but although it works for a time it doesn't seem to last and they are back on my doorstep.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
9 Dec 09
oh my gosh they used you and seem to think they can keep on using you, if she has little children seems like she could get aid from welfare dept and not make you have to keep on caring for her and her worthless boy friend. I think you need to have a stern talk with your daughter, she needs to get welfare help not your help as she is going to bleed you dry.I feel for your grandkids too and hope she has enought common sense to get help for her kids.welfare might w ant her to get a job but also they usually have jobs to push these people into, the thing is those kids sure dont deserve what their mom and significant other are doing. someone has got to support those children, and I dont think it should have to be you. if necessary lead her by the hand to the welfare department and get her going to get help for her kids.good luck and God bless you,think you have already more than done your share. hugs hatley.
1 person likes this
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
12 Dec 09
The sad part is she knows how to do the right things and how to do what is necessary. Unfortunately it seems like she resists any kind of change. When we were getting evicted she kept saying "I will work this out" right up to the last few days before we had to be out. If I hadn't taken charge and found another house we would have been sitting on the side of the road with all our stuff around us.
Admittedly the house I moved us in was a disaster from the start but it was a roof over our heads. She did nothing but complain about it's shortcomings until I finally had enough and told her to find something else to move into. Of course she didn't but I did, and then had to drag her kicking and screaming to get her to move into it.
Where we moved to put us a few blocks from a very nice private school that we qualified to enroll the kids in for free. Do you think she was willing to do that? No! For the first nine weeks we had to transport them back to their original school each day. Finally, after her husband left and she met the new boyfriend he convinced her that the private school would be good for them. And they are doing so much better there.
Right after her breakup with her husband and when we realized that this one was permanent I suggested she go get assistance. Nooo, she said. I don't want to put their father in that position. Here, when the state helps families with children they go after the father for child support. Now, just last night she brought the subject up and I said she really ought to consider it. Was I surprised when she said she was going to do it? Not!
It would be so much easier on everyone, even her, if she just listened to reason when it was presented instead of having to be dragged to it kicking and screaming.
@merlinsorca (1118)
• United States
9 Dec 09
I don't have any good or new advice for this situation you're in. The most you can do is try to convince your daughter to get a job (anything will do) and provide support for her. When she's ready to work on her own, maybe you could finally leave them, then.
When it seems that they will be able to go on without your help, you can make an excuse and then go somewhere else. . .
1 person likes this
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
12 Dec 09
Ha ha ha. Amazingly I was in a convenience store the other day and overheard the manager talking about having to hire someone the first of the week. So, I inquired about the job and took an application home to my daughter. I don't know how much stronger a hint would have to be, but...
At this point I don't need an excuse to go somewhere else. I have a very good reason. When I get a few more ducks in a row I'm going to pull the reason out and present her with it and then get on with my own life.
@greatsasuke (472)
• United States
9 Dec 09
This is the first time I have read about your situation. I feel for you and can only give one suggestion. Maybe it's time for you to take a vacation. Sometimes leaving the situation for awhile is what is needed. It may help you recharge your batteries and see things from a clearer perspective. You are right that when a person is stuck in the middle of a situation such as yours, there judgment may not be so clear. So, please if you can, take a break or a short vacation.
1 person likes this
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
12 Dec 09
A vacation. OMG that sounds so good. Unfortunately I can't afford to do that. One reason is I don't have any money to spare as I am just barely managing to stay ahead of the bills now. The other is this is the time of year when my job takes on a greater intensity because of the season. However I do enjoy my time away from the house. Even when I'm working it is like a mini vacation because I am away from them for hours each day.
@blestrella (176)
• Philippines
9 Dec 09
I think you should move out of the house and live on your own, like renting your own apartment and be freed from distress. As a mother, you can give good advice to your daughter but to do things for her is quite a different story. She has to learn to live well on her own, be responsible now and be a good mom to her children.
About the clutter, if there are things that you have not used for one year, it means that you do not really need those stuff, so try to give them away or dispose of them.
Pray for guidance, too, for yourself, for your children and grandchildren.
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
12 Dec 09
I have been giving serious thought to getting myself an apartment in a senior community for quite awhile now. I would really prefer a small house somewhere so I could have a garden and a cat but that may not be possible.
As far as the clutter goes I have been doing a lot of 'ridding' as my mother would put it. I used to be in the resale business and got rid of a lot that way. I still have a lot to get rid of though but if you only knew how much I started out with you would be amazed at how much progress I have made.
@rosgill (45)
• United States
9 Dec 09
You need to take care of yourself, you are important and they are old enough to be responsible for themselves. Unfortunately, the children are suffering here too. I've not had to deal with something like this but I do know people who have. Your daughter can learn to support herself and her kids if it was forced upon her. I don't know if they have been abusing you physically or if her new boyfriend might but you might want to consider confronting them that the children are being neglected here and if things do not change you will bring in child protective services to see to it that it does. That's kind of drastic but one day someone might do it anyway even it you don't. She needs to kick him out, get a job, and can get assistance with food stamps if possible. But don't let them destroy you. The kids won't end up on the streets, but they will get taken away from her if she doesn't wake up and smell the roses. Look into something for yourself. Hide your medication and anything of value until you find another place to live. Take care of you.
1 person likes this
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
12 Dec 09
I usually keep my meds with me at all times and count them frequently. Unfortunately that day I ran out without picking up the bag and of course that was the day he came over. The fact that I count them so frequently is how I knew exactly when they went missing and how many had disappeared. That is why it was so ludicrous for my daughter to say that I had taken them myself without realizing it. I told her that if I was sleepwalking and took that many pills in one night she should put me in a home because I was obviously a danger to myself.
