Being friends with an X of the family
By natnickeep
@natnickeep (2336)
United States
January 8, 2010 9:38am CST
Okay where do I start. I am so frustrated right now. Let me explain. I am an only child but my husband has 4 siblings. I became friends with his brothers girlfriend when they were together. They have a 3 yr old together but split up over a year ago and he is with someone else. Lately this friendship has become very strenuous on me and I just do not know what to do.
She is still not over my brother in law, he is still my family. I am even trying to become friends with his girl friend. Anyhow my current friend just can't quit talking badly about him to me. Yes she has my nephew, she just won custody, he isn't the best father, but she isn't doing that great herself.
Could you be friends with someone who exited the family on bad terms? How would you deal with this situation. We are kind of in argument right at the moment because I tried to nicely tell her I don't want to hear any more about him. I am just so darn mad about it, why can't she respect my feelings, without saying I am trying to stick up for him? uh I swear uh!
3 people like this
8 responses
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
9 Jan 10
If it was me I'd sit down and tell her firmly that you still want to be friends but you can't take the constant bickering about her ex. If she can't or won't quit, then you'll have to make the choice of whether to keep her as a friend and put up with it or cut your losses and keep your sanity.
[b]~~AT PEACE WITHIN~~
**HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE**[/b]
1 person likes this
@natnickeep (2336)
• United States
11 Jan 10
Yep I have told her, now we will just have to see how it goes. I can not surround myself with negativity. I have before and I will not. Stuff is finally going okay in my life and this will just mess it up.
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
8 Jan 10
In the first place you were never part of their conflicts and that should not have any bearing on your relationship with the former wife. She should not drag you into the misunderstandings and should treat you as an individual and not to harp on old issues. She should bury any bitterness with her ex and stay friends with others in the family.
1 person likes this
@natnickeep (2336)
• United States
8 Jan 10
That is the way I feel also I just hope she gets it through her head this time.
@clocks123 (1225)
• United States
9 Jan 10
i would tell her i don't want you to talk badly about your brother in law anymore and please respect my feelings. i want us to remain friends, but not like this.
@natnickeep (2336)
• United States
11 Jan 10
Yep that is what I did. And I am taking a few days without her. Not talking to her really. I am still a little upset, because I have said this before. So I feel like if I say it and stay away for a few days maybe it will sink in.
@natnickeep (2336)
• United States
11 Jan 10
Thanks that is what I try to do, well after my kids. hehe :)
@Esmechan (53)
• China
9 Jan 10
In different position, people always have different idea.In your friend's idea, she need your support and want you to become her listener; In your opinion, you really don't wanna hear such complain. That is common phenomenon.
If i were you, i will back up your friend, by encourging her to stand up again, instead of arguing with her. If you jus argur with her or complain about your difficultied, that will make make her more depressed and upset. Have you though about the reason why she always keep complaining ? Maybe she is so disappointed and confused. She have no idea on their future.
I think you should value your friend and help her when she is in need. Escaping from the difficulties is not a wise idea.
@natnickeep (2336)
• United States
11 Jan 10
Okay well first of all I have tried to support her. I have discussed not talking so badly of him. This isn't just any guy here babies father, it is my man of 10 years brother. I have known him for longer than her. He is not a bad dad, his new girlfriend is not a bad person either. He broke up with my friend because she was lazy. We were living with each other at the time. I knew he was gonna break up with her, so I tried to change her in ways. I tried to get her to be more productive, do more around the house. They ended up breaking up anyways. They have been apart for over a year. I have tried the nicest ways possible to tell her to get over them. She talks badly about him, and says she is a witch, well you know. And I have to tell her no you just feel that way cause it is your x. They are not that bad. In my opinion I kind of think family comes first. She is not my best friend, she is just a friend. But I am her only friend at the same time. I am not escaping anything, I am just tired of hearing her talk crap about people who are still my family, even if they may no longer be part of hers.
@wickedlove (326)
• United States
8 Jan 10
It seems like you still like her as a friend, but you are sick of her bashing your family. Why not just try talking to her? Let her know, that is your family, though you want to be there for her, you cant stand her bashing everyone. Just see if she can keep her opinions to herself. I have an issue like that.
My boyfriend and my best friend hate each other. They both tend to talk a lot about each other and it really annoys me. When its just a little reference I let it slide. For example, "I can't stand your boyfriend." That is okay with me. When either of them start to cross the line, I make sure I tell them I do not want to hear each other bashing on each other. They both respect me enough to drop the subject and move on. Just let her know how you feel.
@natnickeep (2336)
• United States
8 Jan 10
Yep this is what I tried and at first she didn't understand. But says that she will respect how I feel and try not to talk about him.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (160952)
• United States
8 Jan 10
I think that you need out of that friendship, because it will only cause you grief and arguments. I think she is not going to be able to understand the boundaries you are trying to set and so she will just keep on with the negativity.
@natnickeep (2336)
• United States
8 Jan 10
Yeah it is just so hard to let her go really. I am like her only friend. To her I am her best friend, but she is not one of mine. She just got through with kemo theraphy, she had pelvic cancer and she is only 23. It is just so hard for me. I have been feeling that way too though.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
8 Jan 10
natnickeep wow thats a tough situation to be in. I would tell her
that your husband's brother is family to you and you do not care to listen to her dissing him. after all it takes two people to break up a marriage, so she must not be little MIss Goody Two shoes herself if I am not mistaken. Surely she must have some inkling of the family feeling, or does she? This would be hard for me too. I think I would have to tell her to respect my feelings or else not talk if she cannot help dissing her ex. If that does not work, I would just simply walk away. She must be
very unfeeling not to understand where you are in the scheme of
family things.
@natnickeep (2336)
• United States
8 Jan 10
Yes I was living in the same house as them when they split, and she was being really lazy and still is. I take this as one of the flaws of her as a person and try not to look at it. I almost want to tell her that is why they broke up because she thinks he was cheating with his current girlfriend. my situation is way hard. I don't want to hurt her feelings.
