College vs. Marriage
By Jess
@JJ4Ever (4693)
United States
March 23, 2010 5:56pm CST
One of my younger sisters just got engaged the end of last month for the second time. I'll save all the engagement details for a different discussion, but I'm very concerned for her regarding her college education. In September 2007, she started at a school in Florida to receive a four-year degree in musical performance. As was true with all of us siblings, my parents paid for all of her college expenses. A year and a half later, she decided she did not like the school for one reason or another and made the excuse (to my parents) that the school discontinued her major so they would allow her to transfer to a different school. The second school she decided on is a university here in Michigan. It is great that she gets to live at home and go to school, but the university is more expensive than the first school, and the first school tuition included room and board! On top of that, she obviously didn't think through the repercussions of her decision because the first school was unaccredited so nothing transferred to the second school. Technically, she should be done in one more year since as of this September (2010), it'll be three years since she started. Transferring schools put her behind quite a bit. Now that she's engaged, she wants to transfer to a third school, which is in Connecticut where her fiance lives. First of all, she's never lived on her own so that would be quite a change of pace for her. Second, my parents are considering discontinuing paying for her school since she can't seem to make up her mind. Her credits aren't counting for anything either since she's not sure if anything she's completed thus far will transfer to the new school! It's just a mess so you can see why I'm concerned! Do you think it would be reasonable if my parents decide not to pay for her third college? Another concern of mine is that my sister may get married before she finishes school since she still has a few years to go before she graduates. I know for me, I was so thankful I decided to finish college before getting married. It would be hard taking classes and taking care of a husband. What do you think? I know I can advise her all I want, but the ultimate decision is hers. What would you do about school and marriage if you were my sister?
1 person likes this
5 responses
@GardenGerty (160998)
• United States
24 Mar 10
In the past studies demonstrated that married college students were more serious about their education and often did better in school. I do not think marriage would be as much of a distraction as dating. As far as paying for school, she really needs to grow up and start taking some responsibility for herself. I know that sound harsh. I paid for all the school I got, and so did my kids. My son did not want to go more, so did not. My daughter had five and one half years of college. She and her husband have some school loans, but not very much. What does she expect to do with a musical performance degree, anyway? I do not think that is very practical. Of course I should not judge, my daughter has a ministry degree, but wants to write.
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@GardenGerty (160998)
• United States
5 Apr 10
@3honor, it sounds as if your husband is serious about his training and using his training, and will be successful because he is very versatile. On the other hand, people who intend only to be a recording artist have a harder row to hoe.It is not a very realistic expectation. I know of people with music performance degrees who cannot find work, at least not where they want to live. It is great when people know how to use their degrees to achieve their life time goals.
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@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
15 Aug 11
GardenGerty, that is my concern as well, that my sister would find a line of work that should we be happy with after gaining this type of degree. No doubt she'll be well trained, but it's still going to be difficult. I thought I had the most generic degree in the world, but it still took me a good month even to get my old job back after I graduated college. My sister also mentioned teaching voice lessons, kind of along the lines of tutoring. I think that would be more if she's a stay-at-home mom and wants to be close to her kids rather than working outside the home. Either way, she needs to decide what she wants to do. She's actually been married almost three months now. She seems to be doing well, but as you can probably guess, she's got mixed feelings about going back to school. Her husband works all the time, but he also makes good money, which is great since he's an engineer. They're still probably going to have to get some financial help funding school, although she has a couple scholarships. The school she's attending is an hour away one-way, so that's going to be tough. There are no schools closer. She's still very undecided. She's supposed to start school this month...this will be her third school. She told me last month that she wanted to get pregnant so she didn't have to go back to school. Then a couple weeks ago she was all excited because she got her second scholarship. It sounds pretty up-and-down to me. I think she should go to school and see how that works for her. If she doesn't like it, so be it. I'm sure she'd make a great mother too. She's not used to making all these life-changing decisions, but it really is time for her to start growing up!
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
4 Apr 10
Gerty, I definitely agree with you that married college students would value their education more, especially when they have to pay for it. I already have a degree, but may be going back to school in the future to get another degree. My husband and I would have to pay for the education (as I went along since we will not take out a loan for school) unless I could get tuition reimbursement, which might be the case. I don't know that it's a for sure thing for me, but I think it's a little different since I already have my Bachelor's degree and would just be adding to it. I think my sister will still survive if she gets married and then goes back to school because her fiance already makes good money and could support her without question. I have to agree with you when you say she needs to grow up and take responsibility. She's one of my younger siblings, so she's always had a free ride through life, it seems like. She's never had to live on her own, and thus make her own living. She'll never have to live on her own or pay for rent or anything like that given the path she's going. I think it's great for her, but she also hasn't learned what it's like to appreciate something she's worked hard for. Also, with her music performance degree, she wants to become a recording artist. That's a tricky thing to do, but we'll see how it goes. Honestly, I wish my sister all the best even though I don't always agree with her decisions. She definitely needs to grow up!
@hellcowboy (7374)
• United States
31 Mar 10
I am happy that you finished college,and I am happy your sister getting engaged,but I think it would definitely be reasonable if your parents got tired of paying for colleges for her since she keeps transferring,that and if she keeps changing schools they might get tired of her,and I think she needs to think it over before she decides to move that far away on her on,and it would help if she finished school before getting married,but me and my wife have not gone to college yet,but we are going to take CNA classes probably this fall,so we can help people,because we know we need to go to school before it is too late,and before we get to old,because live is going by fast.
1 person likes this
@barnkinney (1343)
• Philippines
24 Mar 10
i have this principle that parents should send their children through school. however, that responsibility changes once the son/daughter starts to create her own family, which begins in getting married. actually, for me, that responsibility stops. i guess, stopping the financial support for her studies is a way for your parents to discipline your sister. for me true and real love waits. besides, it would be better to start a family with a degree in hand already. it would be easier to get a career. so, if i were your sister i'd postpone the marriage and achieve my goals. there's nothing wrong with long engagements.
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@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
4 Apr 10
I couldn't agree with you more, and this is also how I've advised my sister. Whether or not she listens to me, that is, of course, her choice. I hope she will wait because I know her fiance would wait forever for her. He's a good guy and would do anything for her.
@marketing07 (6266)
• South Korea
24 Mar 10
try to talk to your sister..in one room ask her what she wanted to..between marriage and studies..maybe she can tell you whats her mined..and wishes..
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
15 Aug 11
Now that my sister has been married a couple months, I've done just that...except that she lives out of state now, so I emailed her instead. On one day, she says she wants to get pregnant and have kids so she doesn't have to go back to school. On the other hand, she got another scholarship, so now she's all excited about going back to school. I don't know what my indecisive sister wants, but I truly hope she finds happiness through all of it!
@catalystsnstars (35)
• United States
24 Mar 10
I was in that position myself a few months ago. I had just had a baby with my boyfriend and the decision was to get married since out daughter's last name was his but I didn't have the same. But after a lot of thinking it came down to the fact that we all loved each other and didn't need to validate it to the world. Also if you are single it's easier to get loans for school than when you are married. I claim my daughter during fafsa and that helps a lot too. If you haven't already, talk to you sister and try to get her to see your point in all this. How it helped you to stay single until you were done with school. You meet so many people while in college that it's hard to stay faithful unless you really work at it. Sometimes it's hard to work at two such difficult things.
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@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
4 Apr 10
Hi there, I definitely agree with you that it's tough being in school when you're already committed to someone because there are so many people you will meet. I hope my sister sees this also because I know she'll experience it whenever she makes her decision about school. I hope she makes the right decision.
