How did you end up with someone who does not think exactly like you?
By zandi458
@zandi458 (28102)
Malaysia
March 29, 2010 11:39am CST
It can be quite annoying to find others disagreeing with you on your favorite topics, likes and dislikes...especially when the person is your spouse! So..how did you end up with that person if he/she isn't compatible with you?
It is said that 'like poles attract' and while that's true for magnets and also for the male and female relationship it however does not meant that their brains have to be 'twinned' but just have enough in common for a relationship to progress (to set off the sparks) to an enjoyable stage and finally resulting in married bliss.
In the early stages of the relationship there is much synchronicity in the thinking of the couple. They find that much of their thoughts and ideas are quite similar but as time goes by changes can take place..husband and wife begin to have differing opinions and it's on increasingly more and more subjects!
Amazing isn't it? It's as though both persons' thoughts and opinions have been tailored to suit each other for the early part of marriage and as time goes by individual opinions slowly begin to surface. Could it be that in the beginning of the relationship both parties were too busy pleasing each other, being compromising and quite restrained with their personal views? However, with years into the relationship there is less tip-toeing around, the fences have been let down and both spouses get more frank in voicing their opinions and actions. Where once the differences would be quietly dealt with or just accepted to maintain peace, disagreeing voices can now be heard loud and clear!
4 people like this
22 responses
@frontvisions101 (16043)
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
For me, it's like having another person you can experience events with with a different perspective. you've been seeing things your way for quite a while and it'd be nice to have someone who would pull or push your head so you can see things in another angle.
1 person likes this
@frontvisions101 (16043)
• Philippines
30 Mar 10
Well not really unwillingly. Think of it this way. You think how you think. Your partner thinks how she thinks. Then you can both share your views of the world. It kinda broadens your horizon.
@recycledgoth (9894)
•
29 Mar 10
They say that opposites attract hun, and although I adore my soon to be husband, we do disagree on many things. However, we both agreed to disagree and not allow that to affect us too much. We both hold our opinions and discuss those opinions, but I guess we are lucky that we have never actually had raised voices.
1 person likes this
@verabear (796)
• Philippines
30 Mar 10
Agreeing to disagree sounds like what I have with my soon-to-be-husband. We have a wide range of topics that we share the same opinions on, but also maybe the same number of things we just don't approach the same way. But that's good because we force each other to at least consider another perspective, and that no matter how your opinion goes for one thing you have to consider why others feel differently. So far in the ten years we've been together our differences allow us to complement each other.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
30 Mar 10
Hi zandi,
that does seem to happen a lot. I think that it is true that people are constantly changing & growing and their views on different things can change with various experiences. Still, our basic values don't usually waiver all that much. I think you probably hit on the real problem when you said that two people are so busy in the beginning of the relationship trying to please each other. I think that all too often a person will pick up on our thoughts and agree with us regardless of what they really think. I had a boyfriend that did that and in the end, he actually admitted it. We had different viewpoints on just about everything....religion, disciplining the kids etc etc. It didn't come out until we tried living together. I actually was pretty angry about it. I don't expect a person to think just like me but I do expect honesty. And since we both had kids, the part about discipline was pretty darn important.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
30 Mar 10
I never was with somebody who thinks like me, he just went along with what I said so as not to make waves. I'd rather be with somebody who disagrees ( politely) than somebody who doesn't let me know what he's really thinking.
1 person likes this
@gmkk1986 (471)
• India
30 Mar 10
Life is all about matter of Accepting and regecting. It doesnt mean that we accept all the things and aswell it doesnt matter that we deny. Ofcourse some times other may not agree with us and it may be good situation or bad and all depends on how we take it into consideration.
Some times we enjoy by doing this and some times hurt. But if it happens from the strangers.. it will be very tiny issue in life other than known person who lived for long time with us.
1 person likes this
@zed_k4 (17589)
• Singapore
30 Mar 10
I think it can both work and not work.. for me, I like the word opposites attract.. it sometimes work and sometimes not. But in some instances, the term opposites attract is something to look forward to. But whenever couples fight, I'm sure they will think about this term very much to be not working out for them at the moment..
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
30 Mar 10
It is only natural to be attracted with someone who has something that we don't possess. I mean the character of a person is something that can intrigue me and the intelligence in certain field which I may be lacking. It is not surprising to see a beautiful woman walking hand in hand with someone that is seen miles apart in terms of physical outlook but who knows what is in him that catches her heart. The opposite always attract.
1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
29 Mar 10
MARRIED BLISS, IS THERE REALLY SUCH A THING?? LOL. I think u are right at first all u can see is the good in someone u fall in love with. It's when the real person comes out that the trouble begins. I have always said it was a crying shame that u couldn't keep things like they were at first.
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
30 Mar 10
Hey zandi~ Although I have never been married, I have been
in some long relationships. And I surely have had married
friends whose marriages have ended in divorces, some more
than once! I guess I was one of the lucky ones or smart ones
because I either "chickened out" or lived with the "jerk" oops
"guy" before the marriage and made my decision to stop the
marriage before it could take place! If I didn't I also would
have been divorced at least twice by now! I don't know what
it is, but as you have described it I think that both people
are on their "best behavior" at first and then something happens
and they show their "true colors"! Lucky for me it happened
really quickly before I walked down the aisle of no return!lol
But, seriously, when people marry it takes time to get to really
know each other, kids come, financial problems come with it and
things happen! And that's all I can comment on since I am only
speaking from what I have seen, no exactly experienced!
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
30 Mar 10
Come on Kawal, everyone might not be the same. Life is wonderful if you live in the love paradise with someone we love and care. The young needs to experience just that. We all have gone through a lot of pain in our life because of incompatibility with the wrong choice of mate but that is what the Lord wants us to learn and may all of us find solace in our future life if we choose to make a change for the better.
@kawalnarang (1095)
• Trinidad And Tobago
30 Mar 10
Believe me Many OF US,,,,,,,,,wouldda be Happy (happier) ,, If the lord decided us to remain SINGLE,,,,,,,,,,,BUt see, This is what HE WISHED,,,,,,,we wish to make changes ,, ,,Hope the lord agrees,,,,,I think I would advise my juniors to remain SINGLE
@myramae19 (667)
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
I myself find not compatible with my significant one... we are very different,,way of thinking...almost everything! But, one thing we both know is we love each other.
so we both agree to just continue the journey in this life!
1 person likes this
@Aaleexix (2290)
• India
29 Mar 10
Actually it is very interesting to get different views on favorite topics. Views are different from different person because different people notice the matter from different angle. And thus we get the more concept on the matter. Ans it enrich our knowledge.
Now when it come to the partner it is little annoying but only when both are adamant. But if both are tolerant to the views of the other one then it goes very interesting. Different aspect and views make the life from the boring monotonous day today life.
But the people if not tolerant and always try to dominate other with the righteousness approach it is effect on the self respect and the ego of the partner. In that situation the peace and free flow of couple life with disrupt.
Couple life is depend on the approach of the both but not need to be of similar thinking. Just need the approach to give the proper respect to the other views.
Actually life goes more interesting when we make experiment with the other views than the conventional thought of the people.
1 person likes this
@avani26 (1518)
• India
29 Mar 10
Rightly said it is quite annoying but then if I think it is annoying to me, it may be the same for my hubby and if he has adjusted with me inspite ot it that means that he does not mind those small things and his love for me is above all those petty things.
We do have our fights because of our seperate likes and dislikes but then that is the beauty of two people with different views living together. If our likes would have been same the life would have been boring. I always believe that if I am not 100% perfect I cannot expect my partner to be perfect.
When we can adjust with our family members i.e. Mother, Father, Sister, Brother and not crib who surely do not have the same mindset as us and their views are also quite different from us.
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
30 Mar 10
I do agree with you that it is a little boring to live with a like-minded person and the thrill is having to live with someone that differs from our views. But that needs much tolerance and patients as they will be a lot of arguments in the house when both think and speak differently.
@inday_lorna1970 (1268)
• United States
29 Mar 10
yeah because they are both shouting now trying to insist that she is right and he is wrong or vice versa.
1 person likes this
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
29 Mar 10
well, i happen to end up with a person who has a totally different way of thinking from me... so the first few years of our marriage are spend with endless arguments and finding the best method to communicate with each other... but as we are approaching our 5th year anniversary of our marriage, things got much more better now as we tolerate, respect and understand each other better... and we argue less often now and spend our time more to love each other... i feel grateful in a sense to be able to spend my life with a person who has a different way of thinking from me as i can learn from him and vice versa... also, it makes my life more colourful and not dull... take care and have a nice day...
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
30 Mar 10
Marriage is not all that bed of roses. A high degree of tolerance needed to survive the early part of marriage as it is the part where we need to adjust and accept each others character. If we can pass the first five years of marriage, the rest should sail smoothly.
@salonga (27775)
• Philippines
30 Mar 10
Sometimes I enjoy debate. I also like talking to someone who does not share the same views as mine because through that discussion I would be able to practice my reasoning power. Actually I find it challenging. But I make sure the discussion remains healthy. I want to debate on some issues like politics for example but I don't want it to result into argument. If I noticed that the person can't manage a healthy deliberation then I would rather just stop talking to him. My husband and I do not share the same views all the time. In fact there would be times he would contradict my views and vice-versa but we always make it a point to keep the discussion healthy. We don't allow anger to get in the way. We make sure that after the discussion we still end up hugging each other.
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
30 Mar 10
I believe the ideal marriage is not some antiseptic alliance in which people understand and empathize so perfectly and become so identical to each other that they never disagree, never get angry, never have to apologize. A conflict free, apology free marriage can be very boring.
@maanrodriguez (604)
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
my husband and I have different thoughts and opinions in almost every topic in the planet. haha. but I think that actually keeps the fire going. Let's face it, it's a bit boring when the people around you just agree with you all the time. And also with my husband contradicting me, I get to see the other side of the fence and I think it actually broadens my world. :)
@kawalnarang (1095)
• Trinidad And Tobago
30 Mar 10
I might agree wt u,,also disagree wt u,,,,,,,,the way I see it,,many of us do not love our spouse to please him/her,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,it is because of the amount of intelligence we have at that particular moment,,,,,,,,,,,we get BLIND IN LOVE,,,but marriage IS an EYE OPENER
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
30 Mar 10
What ever love means..love is blind, yes...only when you are married that you get your eyesight back! The marriage certificate gives us a lot of scope to be frank with each other but at the same time it also comes with the unwritten 'codes of behavior' to keep a marriage happy and peaceful.
@myzire72 (1154)
• Singapore
30 Mar 10
Don't we all know that when a couple is in love or in courting stage, both people will do anything to accommodate the other party? After marriage, the true colors will show and then all kinds of differences will begin to surface. It's sad but true. The problem is, how are we going to deal with the differences? On the other hand, it's not really that bad to have a spouse whose thinking is not the same as you. Oftentimes, he would have thought of something which didn't cross your mind, isn't it so? For my case, my wife and I can be considered 2 people of entirely different temperament and personality. Yes, she does get on my nerves sometimes, but so do I. Zandi458, you don't have to agree with your spouse if you don't want to. Try to accept him all over again.
@dimitarivanov (228)
• Netherlands
29 Mar 10
Well maybe you were in love and didn't care much or ignored this, but in time you found out that you don't have similar interests. It doesn't have to be that way, you can have different likes/dislikes, as long as you respect each other about it, at least that's what I think. I do have a lot of interest, I can't share with my friends, because they don't know anything about them and would not understand or make fun of it. I know how hard this is, maybe you should find some people with whom to talk about your interests and enjoy your spouse for the things you like him, if you want to make things work :)
