Husband was in the hospital - this is about feeding, and the reasons
By suspenseful
@suspenseful (40192)
Canada
April 12, 2010 10:23am CST
All right this is not about the hospital food that I consider is not fit for man nor beast, but that because I was with my husband most of the time, I was expected to feed him not by the staff who asked me if an orderly could give him his food (my husband has als and his hands do not work that well), but by my friend.
Now I wonder what is the reason for it? Am I more experienced then the hospital staff especially the nursing assistants who are trained in such things? Is it because I missed feeding my babies more then their cute smiles )If I wanted to adopt a mentally disabled child who would remain at an infant level even to adulthood, I would have asked for one) Is it because in her former country, they did not trust the staff at the hospitals or it was the custom of the wife or husband to come in and feed their spouse?
I sure hope it is that it was the custom or that I being more experienced then the hospital staff in feeding my husband. I sure hope it is not because I missed feeding my two sons when they were babies and want that experience again, because my heart breaks when my husband can no longer eat unless the food is cut in small pieces and it has to be soft. And I missed when my sons were babies and had those cut little smiles and just lit up when I fussed over them, I certainly did not miss the changing diapers, wiping their bombs, or getting them to eat something.
I just want to know the reason why.
4 people like this
9 responses
@Lindalinda (4111)
• Canada
12 Apr 10
Why are you bringing your children when they were babies into this discussion? They are grown and gone and have families of their own. If you must focus on children you have a couple of new grand-babies to fuss over.
I think you are creating a problem in your mind that does not exist in reality. I think the simple truth is that most people would want to be fed by a family member and most family members would prefer to feed their loved ones. Staff at the hospital know this. Please stay grounded and focus on the difficult tasks that lie ahead of you.
3 people like this
@GardenGerty (161080)
• United States
12 Apr 10
Linda, it is true, I guess, about staff, but it was her friend that assumed she should feed her husband. No one holds it against Suspenseful that she adopted her boys, and a real friend would not hold it against her. She is lucky her husband can still swallow. ALS patients often have to be tube fed. She needs to tell the "friend" to back off, in a nice way.
@suspenseful (40192)
• Canada
12 Apr 10
My friend assumed that I would love to feed my husband, but I felt that since I do it all the time anyway at home, I wanted a little break. After all it was only going to be for a few days and when we are out at a restaurant, if I am tired, and one of my friends are there, they will say "Why not let me take over and feed P=- so you can have something to eat." I rather like it as it gives me a break.
I cannot imagine wanting to spoon-fed your husband, three times a day, seven days a week, thirty or more days a month? It is not a joy. Try it sometime.
So I wanted a few days off.
My husband's jaw and tongue are losing their muscles, and soon he will have to be completely tube fed. So it is not easy to feed him and as for his pills, I have to crush them and insert them with a syringe through the peg tube, but not all his medication is in liquid form. He chews water and has difficulty in swallowing and because of that, he has to get much of his nourishment through the peg tube, because the only way he can take veggies and healthy stuff is as a soup.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
13 Apr 10
hi suspenseful I have forgotten just where you are but when I was much younger and worked as a nurse's aide, I feed many a patient who had similar diseases, ALS and multiple sclerosis, and never saw a patient's wife being forced to feed a husband. that does not sound right. So maybe it is as you surmised she was thinking of her native country.THis is very odd to me, as most anywhere I have been even in the past few years the staff feed patients like that. I can see where you are coming from, and I do feel for you nobody with real feelings likes to see their loved ones unable to feed themselves,and making you responsible for this I think is just too much for you to take. they really are supposed to know how to feed a patient. suspensefull let the staff do it , an orderly would be glad to help.
@suspenseful (40192)
• Canada
13 Apr 10
I6 was my friend who insisted that I feed my husband. She said you will be there at meal times and of course, you will be feeding him. Maybe that is how they do things in Holland but not here. here the nursing staff feeds the patients with als because they know what to do and will take no nonsense such as the patient refusing to eat what is good for him. By saying that I will be feeding my husband, she was also giving me the idea that if I did not, I really did not love my husband.
And I am not that confident at doing so. Why it took me some time before I was able to give him his medicine view the feeding tube. Besides at home, we eat together. Now I had to eat first, and then they brought the tray.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40192)
• Canada
14 Apr 10
She did not say that because she knows I love my husband, but I thought if I do not feed my husband at the hospital that I thought she would think I did not love my husband. She is a nurse and is used to doing these things, but I am a bit nervous and I really did want to have a break. And at home, we have special cutlery, when I get chicken it is boneless, the same with meat, etc. Besides I am a much better cook. in the hospital they had chicken thighs and legs and I had to take the meat off the bone and without a proper knife to do it. So it was more work.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
14 Apr 10
my gosh suspenseful that lady is so unkind making you feel like
that as whywould you even be there if you did not love your
husband,not every one is really able to feed a person who is afflicted
with Als and 
thats no reflection on you at all. staff are taught how to do these things and I think it really is best that way myself.
thats no reflection on you at all. staff are taught how to do these things and I think it really is best that way myself.1 person likes this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
12 Apr 10
I think alot of the time, they just assume you would rather do it. I don't really know why, but we don't always get what we ask for. Life is full of things we never expected to have do. It may be that she thinks you are more familiar with your husband, and he would be more comfortable with it.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40192)
• Canada
12 Apr 10
My husband says I do not do it right. The muscles in his mouth do not work that well and I am sure that in a few months, he will have to depend entirely on a feeding tube. But I never trained as a nurse and do not have the experience of one. They are better at these things then me. Besides there is a lot of difference between when I fed my boys before they were eight months old, and my husband. My husband is not a grown up baby. Do they think I am out of practice?
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (161080)
• United States
12 Apr 10
Suspenseful, did you not want to feed your husband? I can understand that, but you should have addressed it at that time with your "friend" or with staff. I was not allowed to feed my husband as he was tube fed and received his medications that way as well. I am sorry that you are having a rough time of things as his illness goes on. Not everyone is as bothered about you not physically bearing your children as you are. Let yourself off the hook. There are not hidden motives behind every statement or gesture. Your friend probably thought you would prefer to take care of your husband, but you know, that is up to you to decide. People should not assume. It might be nice for you to have a break once in awhile. You are still alive and still have needs and wants as well.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40192)
• Canada
12 Apr 10
I wanted a little break and I did not want my friend to feel that I was a selfish person. so I dared not tell her. And she knows that I am nervous about certain things. I am afraid that I might make a mistake and kill my husband. It is a wonder that I have not made a mistake in the tube feeding but that is because my friend showed me how to do it.
I felt that for the few days he was in the hospital, the nursing staff would have been better - after all they were trained = and the times that I feed him he says "make the pieces smaller, they're too hard, tip the spoon," and I am sure he would not dare to say that to the orderly.
It was the same reason we called in home care to give him a bath three times a week because even though I was doing the same thing, he complained when I did it, but not if a home care worker did it. So I felt that someone was always better then me. Had he not complained when I gave him a shower, I would be still doing it even now.
1 person likes this
@teamrose (1492)
• United States
13 Apr 10
While I strongly suspect understaffing or just plain laziness was the motivation, in actuality I think most of us who would require assistance in eating would find it much less embarrassing/humiliating to be fed by a relative Smiley
I was a candystriper in 1969 at the local VA. We had a Vietnam vet who was confined to a stryker frame as he was a quadraplegic. I'm guessing he was maybe 19 or 20. My job was to spoon feed him. It was one of the more difficult things I had to do, since he would have tears running down his face as I fed him lunch Cry
I wish I'd been older rather than a stupid sheltered little 16 year old. I would have made an attempt to talk to him and spend time with him.
@suspenseful (40192)
• Canada
20 Apr 10
I think that the trouble is that even though the wife may not be the best person to feed the husband (not having training as a nurse, not having worked in a hospital situation, or feeling that because of the family history, my husband would have wound up with a stroke where he would recover and at least use his hands.) because of lack of training and not choosing nursing as a career - bad at math and science.
The trouble is that they feel that all you need to spoon feed someone is love. That is the whole point that if you do not want to feed him, people will think that you do not love him. (that can be carried too far as "if you do not lift him, you do not love him,' and wind up with a bad back.) so love is used to make you do something that will eventually harm you.
Feeding is not that easy and you need training. You have to cut the pieces small enough, make sure to wait while he chews them, and also when you are the wife, the husband will more likely tell you that he does not want to eat vegetables - whereas if a trained orderly would say "eat it" it is good for you and he would not say a thing.
In other words, sometimes it is best for an orderly to feed the patient. And I did want a break once in a while and if not a break, I wanted to eat at the same time. in the hospital, I had to eat first, the trays were too big, and the food he eat was not that appetizing.
Oh and talking is good.
@sheanne (440)
• Philippines
12 Apr 10
Hello suspenseful, I know your feeling and I do hope you're ok now. Most probably the reason why the staff asked you that they'll feed instead of you cause they've seen you're the one feeding your husband always and they just want to lighten you up. I mean they know how you feel for your husband and its depressing to see his situation right now, they somehow like to cheer you up.
Else another reason, the staff could have said to you if the nursing assistant or an orderly is undergoing training and she/he is assigned to be one who'll take good care of your husband. A reason if ever they won't be able to feed your husband could be they're understaff at that day or there must be another reasons as per hospital/ agency protocols.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40192)
• Canada
13 Apr 10
It was my friend who assumed that I was better at feeding my husband then the staff, but at home, we eat together. I give him some food and I eat some, and I did hope that the nursing staff said there was an orderly in training or a ward aid in training who wanted to learn how to feed a patient. Usually it is the orderlies or ward aids that feed the patients who cannot feed themselves. It was that my friend assumed that I should do - no not in words, but by saying that I would be around my husband all day that was the general idea.
When my father was in the hospital, no one said to my mother,you come in and help feed your husband since you have two teenage children at home and a grandmother who lives nearby by. The point is that I did not want to be a Martha encumbered with too much serving.
@suspenseful (40192)
• Canada
13 Apr 10
I was not that good at it. At home, he said tip the spoon, the piece is too big even though the piece before he had no trouble with. So it was the complaining that got to me. A staff member could have done a better job, showed me how to do it, and could have told me "you are doing it right" when he or she let me demonstrate how I do it at home so I came home with the feeling that I never learned anything = even feeding through the tube, my nursing friend had to show me how to do it properly.
@sheanne (440)
• Philippines
13 Apr 10
Hello again suspenseful now I get what you mean. I guess you can still request the staff to feed your husband if you want to have some break from feeding him. I think your friend was just concerned that you're more than willing to feed your husband than any of the staff/s. I can still remember what my granny used to tell me, there's no other touch that can heal one's soul than the touch of a mother... so it might probably does too with a wife or husband touch. In my case I used to feed my bedridden grandmother through ngt before she passed away. Whenever I'd given her food patiently I talked to her and it touched my feelings so much that I cried everytime, I knew she felt it too. I'm so glad that before she passed away I'd shown to her that I cared and loved her so much.
The staff will always be there willing to do their job but I think the concern of a family member to their loved ones does a miracle thing sometimes.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40192)
• Canada
30 Jul 11
It was much easier and I did not have to worry about knocking over the pole. I am sort of clumsy, by the way.
@suspenseful (40192)
• Canada
1 Apr 11
I wanted me to be perfect the first time, but they were nurses and trained for it. But I went through a lot of guilt about it. Any way Janni, my friend took over and that was fine. And she had a better system then they did.
@ElicBxn (63653)
• United States
23 Apr 10
as my mother is steadily becoming more unable to do things for herself because of the strokes, I asked if they charged to have someone feed her at the facility - because if that was the case, I would come in and feed her most every day.
That is something the staff does - part of the whole service thing, and that's good.
Now, one day a week most weeks I go over and take her to lunch in the main dining room, and I have been feeding her for over the last year - one or two times, she's done some herself, but I have to watch her because she loses track of things, like holding the tea glass upright.
She'll have a hold of it, but even with the tea down an inch or more, she'll let it tip. So, I tell her I'm just making sure she doesn't spill it on herself, because she doesn't want iced tea in her lap - sometimes she smiles at that.
In the nursing facility they are giving her mush, things that vaguely look like they might've once been something - nasty looking stuff.
I try to get her things like fish, potatoes and stuff that are pretty soft that she won't have a problem with. They also give her thickened liquids, because they say she'll choke on the thin stuff, but I've never had a problem with the tea, but I do watch her to make sure we don't have a problem, or offend anyone around us - like sneezing food all over the place!
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@suspenseful (40192)
• Canada
27 Feb 13
My husband had the tube go through his stomach the last few days and when my new premie grandsons had the tubes because they could not swallow properly when they were first delivered, I had a pang in my stomach thinking of Peter. The thing is with ALS you do not lose your mind. I think with your mother, she is seeing you as a younger person as when you were younger and she thinks you are a child. That is interfering with her eating.
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@ElicBxn (63653)
• United States
27 Feb 13
Mom would watch anyone. But if I were there, she just watched me. If I came into her room, she watched me until she fell asleep.
Apparently, with the strokes they forget how to swallow. ALS they lose the muscle control to be able to, but with dementia, especially it turns out, stroke related dementia, they just forget how to do it.
It is one of the most painful things to watch a loved one die.
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@suspenseful (40192)
• Canada
13 Apr 10
That is for sure. The staff would have insisted he finish every bite on his plate and they are trained at feeding people with als. Also by insisting I feed my husband my friend gave me the idea that if I did not, I did not love him and it was my duty. Why I got the feeling that after church, we got in the van to go to the hospital not to visit him, but I had to be there at mealtimes to give him his food.
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