You can't stop him/her from cheating... ?
By phoenix1344
@phoenix1344 (698)
United States
April 18, 2010 6:08pm CST
For the last several months I have been struggling with trust issues with my boyfriend. I've been with him for almost 4 1/2 years now and I love him and I am incredibly happy with him but I have this constant fear that he'll cheat.
And to be honest... its not really about him. I am just so scared of being hurt and betrayed. A few months back I found out that my Dad had a 7 year affair on my Mom and I can't imagine what she is going through internally. But I don't ever want to be there in my future with whoever I marry. This fear consumes my mind at least once a day.. and constantly lurks. And it really scares me. To be completely and totally betrayed by the one who is supposed to love me no matter what. And I don't think my boyfriend would be the type that cheats. Sometimes I second guess that... but for the most part he hates cheaters as much as I do.
Well today I was with my friend and she was talking about some issues going on in her life and at one point she said 'The thing is we can never know if someone is telling the truth. We can't read other people's minds so we can never know. And if a guy is going to cheat, then he'll cheat. And its sad but there is nothing that can be done about it.'
And for me it was a kind of revelation. That I can't control whether my boyfriend decides to be unfaithful or not. And it really just boils down to whether I am willing to trust him not to hurt me. And that is a really scary thing for me. But I know if I don't learn to trust him then I'll lose him. So realizing I don't have control in the situation kind of forces me to look at it from the abstract veiw of... do I trust him or don't I?
Any thoughts on this mylotters?
5 people like this
24 responses
@Fire10 (293)
• United States
19 Apr 10
You are in a tough spot... either you spend your life alone or you trust... and I imagine that both of those sound pretty scary to you. Personally - if I were concerned about cheating I would 1st, be really careful about who I date, where I meet them, and what kind of friends they have, and 2nd, after deciding that I know enough about the person to trust them have a serious talk.
Explain your family's history, how you feel about it, how it has affected you. Explain that you're not having this discussion to tell them that they're not trustworthy, tell them that you've decided to trust them and ask them if they can and will, for your comfort, promise to NEVER do anything like that to you.
If they cannot, well, either the discussion was premature or you had better move on... I think although it may hurt now to lose someone that you really want to trust... if they can't promise or commit - I wouldn't think they're worth the risk! Especially for someone like yourself.
Hope my thoughts help,
Fire
@phoenix1344 (698)
• United States
19 Apr 10
Thanks fire10,
You gave me a lot of good insights. I do realize I am in a tough spot. Trust is scary to me and so is being alone. That is exactly where I am at.
The thing is too, I know my boyfriend better then most known him. I've been with him for nearly 5 years and he knows all of my family history. Actually he was the one that held me and comforted me when I went through the ordeal with my Dad. I honestly do not think he is the type that ever will cheat.
But this fear... the thing is.. when my Dad cheated on my Mom for so long... he practically had a double life. My Mom isn't even sure what part of that 7 years my true or a lie. And I think because of that... I have this fear that whatever man I have in my life will lead a double life too. Even though logically that doesn't make sense.
He has by the way also committed and promised never to cheat or to be unfaithful.
So I just need to realize all of this is out of my control and just blindly trust so I don't lose him.
Anyways thanks for your insight!
@npadecio (161)
• Philippines
19 Apr 10
Hi phoenix. Very nice post you got there. I've felt that you really love your boyfriend so much that it scares you if he would cheat on you. My suggestion is you sit down with your boyfriend and talk about these things with him and be open. Speak your heart out with him and let him do the same. In all the relationships I've been through, I always applied the principle of being honest with one another. To be honest with you, I've been cheated twice already from my last two relationships (I had a total of 4) but they were honest enough to tell the truth. It really crushed me but the pain faded away and I was able to move on faster than expected. Right now, I am happily married to my wife, we do trust one another and we let our Lord as the center of our relationship.
My point is, it's normal to feel this simply because you love your boyfriend and I think others including me felt the same way too. Respect and Trust each others differences and individualities. Learn and apply this in your relationship and truly love one another. Just to reiterate, be open to him and talk these things over. I'm sure your boyfriend will be touched and will understand you more. If yourself spending the rest of your natural born life with your boyfriend, then it's going to be worthwhile. Don't be afraid, phoenix. Try to stop living with fear for the rest of your life but rather enjoy it to the fullest. You're doing great, keep it up. :)
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
19 Apr 10
You are correct. You have to trust your guy for the elationship to work. Try not to worry. If he hates cheaters and loves you , he won't cheat. But unfortunately, your friend is correct too. If a guy or a girl Wants to cheat , they will. It is about the cheater not their partner. No one can change a person . They can give them support when they are changing but Change them? no. But with that said , the way you describe your guy , I don't think he will cheat so try to relax and enjoy his company.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
20 Apr 10
phoenix that works both ways too, and trust is one of the things'
that glue together a relationship or marriage,you must trust each
other and try to live up to that trust. the only person any of
us can control is ourself so forget the ugliness of your dad's affair
as in harping on that you may be projecting that onto your innocent'boy friend who did tell you he hates cheaters. you love him so much you must trust him, that is all you can do as You can not go around following him all day like a private eye.
@achilles2010 (3051)
• India
24 Apr 10
Fall in love with someone not on the premise that he or she will not cheat but on a premise, what if he or she cheats you. If you think that the person will not cheat then you will be in for shocks and surprises if they ever do. You have a right to fall in love; and be loved only if you are able to take cheating within your stride. In true love, you do not love someone who loves you; but to love someone who does not even love you. If you have not been able to trust your boyfriend even after being in four and half years relationship, then I am sorry to say that you are not ready yet for this kind of relationship. You think you love him, but the truth is you do not love him. You love yourself more than anything else does. You are more concerned about you being hurt. Excuse me for being blunt but this is the truth. You are imagining though your BF might not be cheating you. There is a fear lurking in your mind and you simply cannot get this out. May be your dad's affair on your mom have made you thus. Therefore, I do not blame you. Why don't you put your boyfriend to test to know if he is trustworthy? Make discrete inquiries about him. Ask around and even confront your boyfriend. Ask him that you need his help. Maybe he would do something to strengthen your faith in him.
@npadecio (161)
• Philippines
19 Apr 10
Hi phoenix. Very nice post you got there. I've felt that you really love your boyfriend so much that it scares you if he would cheat on you. My suggestion is you sit down with your boyfriend and talk about these things with him and be open. Speak your heart out with him and let him do the same. In all the relationships I've been through, I always applied the principle of being honest with one another. To be honest with you, I've been cheated twice already from my last two relationships (I had a total of 4) but they were honest enough to tell the truth. It really crushed me but the pain faded away and I was able to move on faster than expected. Right now, I am happily married to my wife, we do trust one another and we let our Lord as the center of our relationship.
My point is, it's normal to feel simply because you love your boyfriend and I think others including me felt the same way too. Respect and Trust each others differences and individualities. Learn and apply this in your relationship and truly love one another. Just to reiterate, be open to him and talk these things over. I'm sure your boyfriend will be touched and will understand you more. If yourself spending the rest of your natural born life with your boyfriend, then it's going to be worthwhile. Don't be afraid, phoenix. Try to stop living with fear for the rest of your life but rather enjoy it to the fullest. You're doing great, keep it up. :)
@smacksman (6053)
•
19 Apr 10
Now a few home truths here.
Women cheat just as much as men.
There is a big difference between cheating and running away. Some people run away from their partner even without another person involved.
Should cheating always end with divorce? It depends on the individuals.
I have never cheated in 40 years of marriage (despite many offers - I'm not that repulsive! haha) because I know I'm hopeless at telling lies and I would never be able to look my wife in the face again.
OK, that's me. Other men need to padlock their zips!
So if it is really important to you then take him aside one night and quietly and gently let him know how you really feel. Spell it out simply - if you ever prove that he has cheated, you will cut his balls off and stuff them in his mouth! Then give him a nice hug and a loving kiss. He will then know exactly where he stands.
If he is too immature to live with that and keep control of himself then frankly he shouldn't be in a long term relationship.
My 2c - now shoot me down!
@recycledgoth (9894)
•
19 Apr 10
In any relationship there has to be an element of trust. However, I think you are possibly insecure at heart and need to be reassured. If you are that worried about your boyfriend, perhaps you should talk to him. Communication often helps
@Ingkingderders (3832)
• Philippines
19 Apr 10
I totally agree on you when you say that you really couldn't do anything to stop your guy from cheating. You can only trust that he wouldn't and that he wouldn't hurt you deliberately. I guess a relationship is really a risk because you risk your heart, and you put your trust in one person not to break it.
@junmae (1586)
• Philippines
19 Apr 10
My boyfriend is so good and he always makes me feel that i am loved and i am just the only one. I never thought that he will cheats on me. One day, i saw his comment on the facebook of his neighbor, he said that she makes his day complete whenever he sees her. It seems that the girl means the whole world for him. and it broke my heart, i cried every minute i remember those words because i thought all this time i am just the one who he really loves, it didn't came into my mind that he will cheat me. I guess guys are very good in fooling girls, they will make you believe and you wont even think that something is going on. Since then i never trusted anybody, I never loved anybody more then my self, it's a good thing to be alone for the rest of my life than to live with guys who will just make your life miserable by playing with your feelings.
@ebuscat (5935)
• Philippines
19 Apr 10
For me in this world full of lie even the president we can't said there's no cheater specially they don't worship the Jehovah God they don't scared if they commit sin so better you do take it say happened to your boyfriend so that your not depressed if you know that he is doing in you.
@caiye786 (95)
• China
19 Apr 10
Tolerant is a kind character that one should have ,but how can i forgive who i love and have treated me deep ?the more you love the guy ,the more difficult you forgive him ,i understand you .and i know you must struggle with yourself ,in my opinion ,spending a few days to calm you down may be better .
@CutestPrincess (8)
• Philippines
19 Apr 10
Cheating is selfish and immature because even if he has already committed himself to another, he acts as though the only feelings, needs and desires that matter are his. Wanna know why mean cheat? You should read this -- http://tinyurl.com/cheater01
@cripfemme (7698)
• United States
19 Apr 10
It's true. You can't stop anyone wanting to cheat from doing so. I would advise, however, that the more paranoid you are about it the more likely it is that your boyfriend will do it because he will grow annoyed of being accused. You may know the old saying "If you're going to have the grief, you might as well have the gravy." It means if you're going to get accused of something you might as well do it and have fun anyways. I've had friends to whom this has happened.
@chabawel (329)
• Philippines
19 Apr 10
In any given relationship, commitment and trust is the key to make it work. But. if you let fear gets in the way, no amount of love can really overcome the pain and the hurt of being doubted all the time.
If both of you committed to each other, there shouldn't be any doubt for each other. But, because your parents experienced unfaithfulness, it doesn't necessarily mean you'll go to the same path.
You are a different person handling your own life. If you let fear conquer your life, then your giving your boyfriend a reason to find someone else.
Trusting means giving your love unconditionally. And, if your boyfriend betrayed your trust, you know at your end, you have loved him unconditionally. It's his lost, not yours.
It's a matter of preparing yourself when the time comes (if ever your boyfriend betrayed you). You have to balance your emotions and your wisdom in your relationship. But, don't forget to love yourself. God bless.
@pinhornudo (437)
• Brazil
19 Apr 10
I think you can. Break up with him/her and he/she will cheat you anymore.
@jiraiyasanin (642)
• Philippines
19 Apr 10
well trust is the good spice in strengthening the relationship if you suspected him about cheating then you also do some action it didn't show that you don't trust your boyfriend but the thing is your only becoming careful, hope you get my point my friend
@manjeet_11 (11)
•
19 Apr 10
we cannot stop someone from cheating on us, but we can only change that person by making him/her feel that we trust in him . if that person really feels your importance he will stop cheating on you, if not think that ,that person was cannot be changed for ever
@skybluenight (65)
• United States
19 Apr 10
Ah this is such a tough subject :( I really wish there could be away to know if the boy is going to cheat or not and it is such a gamble, so I guess I will have to say to just go with your heart. If you REALLY feel you can trust him, then do, if not, then I would reevaluate the situation. My last boyfriend was about to cheat on me (physically) but he was already cheating on me emotionally by private messaging his ex girlfriend and I knew from the beginning I couldn't really trust him so I shouldn't have wasted my time. I really do think I trust my current boyfriend now though, so I think there is hope for guys out there. I hope your momma is doing okay :(
