Are family members less able to take criticism from each other?
By lucyland
@lucyland (54)
Canada
May 25, 2010 6:27am CST
My brother and fight, as any siblings do, and when we do, sometimes... or everytime nowadays.. things get very heated, very fast. It seems to get worse and worse every year and I have been hoping that it was just because we live together and aren't compatible roommates.
Now it just seems, and he even admits it, that he just can't take any form of criticism from me. He said this when an argument ended up being unresolved on my side. I wasn't happy that one second we were taking about the kitchen not being up to his standards, one sentence later, he's boiling over, the next phrase he's grabbing his hair, banging his fists on the table with both arms and threatening to lose control on me.
So I told him I didn't think that was normal. That he scared me. I was trying to say he needed help because his temper had escalated substantially in the last few years but he cut me off by saying he could only take so much criticism and that he was starting to see red. Where I got terrified and just told him I'd do what he wanted while backing out of the room and running into mine and closing the door.
He says I'm the only one who works him up like this and he's not sure why. So, does anyone else have this problem of siblings who just can't listen to criticism? Or you just can't seem to talk to? Any suggestions as to why this happens?
1 person likes this
9 responses
@ruen8777 (1)
• Philippines
26 May 10
we are the one who make a criticism. If you brother do such thing, you should tell him to do something good in order to elevate criticism.
@lucyland (54)
• Canada
26 May 10
I understand that. He had asked me if things were ok or not. I said no, and was trying to explain why. I did try to word my phrases as to be the least inflammatory, but he still got enraged.
There comes a point of closeness with people that a certain amount of criticism should be fine. And when you are asking someone why they have a problem with you, should you not expect something unpleasant to be said about you? Defensiveness is normal, but rage shows lack of security within yourself and lack of control.
So fair, but still, not a good enough excuse to some extent.
@orlymacanas (28)
• Philippines
26 May 10
Lucyland, do you live together with your brother or not? Or does your parents live with you? I guess there should be someone else to meddle between the two of you and to calm your brother down whenever his mad and give him advise. With his behaviour, it's not really normal. In every family I could observe, even if every one of them is mocking heavily on each other, most of them don't take it seriously and even take it as a positive critiscm. I guess you need help with your bother from your relatives, or if his getting worse from the authorities. You might as well considering to live separately if you can.
@lucyland (54)
• Canada
26 May 10
I live with my brother and my sister, no parents. I am moving out in June so yes, hopefully that will resolve a lot of things. I understand it's very unlikely that I'm actually the only person who can make him see red ultimately. But, I suppose, right now, I'm the easiest target.
It's a little relieving to hear it's not normal, I was thinking that I was going crazy being afraid of him. Thanks.
@GemmaR (8517)
•
25 May 10
I hate being criticised by my family. Fair enough if they're giving me advice or help, but just plain criticism annoys me. Your family are supposed to be the ones who like you for who you are and who will accept you no matter what you look like or act like.
My Mother actually says a lot of negative things about the way I look, and I hav realised that this has actually affected me a lot more than I thought it would. I have very little self esteem and get very down when I have to go clothes shopping, as I have literally no positive comments from anywhere.
@lucyland (54)
• Canada
26 May 10
Yeah, Mom's tend to do that. Just don't go shopping with her. Or you could try telling her that she's being hurtful. I highly doubt she continue to be so persistent with criticism if you tell her how much she's affecting you by her criticism. I had to tell my Mom a while ago and she backed off. I did have to say it few times and explain that I loved her and wanted her to be proud of me, but that what she wanted was just too much.
As we get older, we have to take care of of parents more and more, and part of that is putting up with things. They had to put up with a lot to raise us, arguably more than we will ever have to put up with from them. So all I would say is make sure you are ok with yourself. Set your own standards, no one else's and stick to them. If you can do that, you will be able to withstand a lot. *hugs* good luck.
@cupkitties (7421)
• United States
25 May 10
He sounds like he's got some anger issue. I doubt you would be the only one who he gets worked up by but if you keep up showing him fear he'll use that to his advantage. I have a certain family member who has this problem and does use it to get what he wants from people.
@Cutie18f (9551)
• Philippines
26 May 10
I can see that your brother really has a big problem with his temper. You know this so I think you have to be careful with what you say. I think he is just a very sensitive person and maybe you are just too nagging for him. Do not be the source of his getting out of control. Since you know that he is touchy, then I suggest that you keep off his space. Keep your comments to yourself, and if there is anything you want to change, then do it without lambasting him.
@gfeef01 (537)
•
25 May 10
One setence from my bother is all it takes. He knows how to phrase himself well and as he has always been my big brother it's simple to hear him sounding so much more wise. I think siblings know the responses, the way we have formed our ideas over the year. they know the things that wind us up and they know the things that will get us to respond. We all do it, we say what we know people will hear, sadly with siblings we often tune out to most as we've heard it all before. So in order to fource our siblings to tune in again we change our language subtley. i don't think we even know we do it, but our sibling do!
@ladynetz (968)
• Canada
25 May 10
reading your letter is worrying but also a relief for me.
I have two teenagers, a son and a daughter and their behaiviour is the same as you described.I was very worried, thinking that no matter how much I showed equal support and love for both, they still fight and "only he/she" can do this to me...that's what they say.Now that I see that's the same in other families, I am a little bit more relaxed that's not something I've done, but something somehow"normal".
Between my sibling there's 11 years difference, so we never had to fight over anything.
I also try not to criticize one in front of the other and never say"your sister/brother would have done this in this on this way..." and never ever "your sister/brother is better then you".
I'm telling them over and over"what goes around, comes around" so "give respect if you want to receive respect".
But I see that does not really help.
Hope that this will go away once everyone has his/hers own family.
Good luck to you and hope this will end soon...
@sender621 (14894)
• United States
25 May 10
I don't think we are happy to take criticism from family members. We can be more critical and skeptical of their words. Being so close, you are sometimes blinded by their words and actions. What may have started as good advice can quickly turn bitter.
@ruakawa (35)
• Indonesia
25 May 10
i think i and your brother have a same problem but with a little different in emotional control. i am the first son in my home. sometime i got a little fight with my little brother, its about a little thing, how is the right or wrong way. i tell him about this and that and he know he was wrong. but when my little brother right, i dont speak a thing. i feel like ashamed. may be i feel like the same way with your brother feel. the older person sometime feel he is the one that right and dont want hear to other advice. you must talk slowly to your brother and do not just talk to him when there are something you need from him or when you have fight with him.
