Should I tell my daughter to move out?
By karen1969
@karen1969 (1779)
June 7, 2010 5:17am CST
I don't know if I should tell my 17 year old daughter to move out. For the past few months, she has been mainly living with a friend and usually just comes home to get clothes, food, ask for money, etc. though she spends the odd night here. The problem is, she always disturbs everyone else and disrupts the household.
We have 4 teenage children, my eldest is 19 and bi-polar, my youngest is 14 and has Aspergers, so both need routine and a calm, stressful atmosphere as much as possible. My 17 year old comes in at all hours, wakes up her sisters, takes their clothes, steals money from my eldest daughter, etc.
One incident was she came in at 3:45am (and her friend is always with her too), turned my 14 year old's light on, went round her room taking the clothes she wanted, then came into my bedroom asking for socks, etc. - completely selfish behaviour, not thinking of anyone else.
My 17 year old is NOT a good influence on my 14 year old. Last Thursday, they went out together with 2 of my 17 year old's friends. It was only supposed to be for 30 mins but they came back 1 1/2 hours later and my 17 y.o. had got my 14 y.o. drunk!!! We ended up taking 14 y.o. to Casualty (ER) as she had an allergic reaction to the alcohol and was hallucinating. She was OK though, but you can imagine how I felt taking a drunken 14 y.o. to hospital!!!
My 17 year old is currently seeing the Youth Offending Team as she has been arrested for theft offences. She also smokes, drinks a lot, smokes cannabis, etc.
I don't want to be in the situation where I have to tell my 17 y.o. to move out, but she is seriously upsetting my other kids and as she lives out the house most of the time anyway (only coming home if she wants something!), I think it might well be the best solution.
She is also lazy and won't get a job, so if she has rent to pay, I'm hoping that will spur her on to work too. (She does do a college course, but only part-time).
Your comments are welcome.
9 people like this
43 responses
@3SnuggleBunnies (16374)
• United States
7 Jun 10
I don't know where to start as I have not gone thru this however... I have a friend who has issues w/ her teen daughters.
She's gotten the cops involved when she ran away (numerous times, still missing), a social worker, failing school, and last time she was brought home because she was at a party the cops busted for being underage.
I'd do all that you can to cover your butt that you didn't "abandon" her that she choose her behavior not you!
I'd probably even call the cops and ask them what you can legally do to protect yourself. You know like could you get in trouble for changing the locks so she's not running in and out of your home at all hours when she pleases.
2 people like this
@rosie230 (1703)
•
7 Jun 10
You really must be pulling your hair out at the moment.. I really feel for you, it must be so hard to know what is right to do, and I am not sure that what I may say can help you. Well, I guess at the end of the day, you have to do what you think is right to do. It does sound very ignorant of her to be this unthoughtful to you and the other kids. You probably need to sit down and weigh up the pro's and cons. Its easy for me to say "Kick her out", because she is not my daughter, she is your daughter, and you love her, and want the best for her. Maybe living on her own would be the solution and since she has been living with friends or whatever, then its not like she is not able to be independant... perhaps your right and by her having to find money to get the rent paid on her own place. If she is causing this much upset in the house, you need to do something or it will just continue.
I really hope you get this sorted out for all your sakes!
2 people like this
@mokkka (881)
• Bulgaria
7 Jun 10
I cannot imagine how do you feel about all that because I know how important is for a parent to see her children are ready to live alone and are on the right way.You cannot change things now it is due to the company she goes out with and probably her boyfriend but whatever you decide it will be pointless.Even if you tell her to move out or forbid her seing her sisters she won't listen to you.The only thing is to wait and hope she will get tired of all that and decide to stop acting like that.
@ann101 (518)
• China
7 Jun 10
Sorry to here that.Can you talk to her openly and make a contract with her?If she cannot even sit down to listen to you then you'd better let her out,if she can then tell her what you think of her and then make a contract with her which lists all the rules in the family she has to obeyed.The best thing is she can write the contract by herself,so she will be more self-discipline.Good luck,my friend!
2 people like this
@kukueye (1759)
• Malaysia
7 Jun 10
Western culture is different from my asian culture here.From young we are not allowed to go out late and our friends we mix around are monitored.No cash from young and such.But there are indeed some bad apples out there that give bad influence to kids.From young discipline is paramound and asian dads do not spare the rods when comes to discipline , there are lot of shouting and intimaditing until the child submit to the parents and get lock down in house.But some bad parenting exist too and kids get corrupted.It is always hard to kick out your kid out from the house.It is basically saying i have give up hope on your and now i handling your over to the wolfs.
2 people like this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
8 Jun 10
Hi Karen
This is a tough one, you have your Hands full as it is so you do not need this as well
Personally I would lay the Ground Rules down, take her Keys of her and if she is not home by a certain time she will not get in this might stop the stress and thieving to
She is taking liberties and it is not right, she is very selfish
Also tell her if she is going to act like an Adult and wants to be independent, then like an Adult she can go and earn her Money, as none of you are putting up with this any more
Then put it to her either she lives with you by your Rules and respects every one or she can find her own Place
If she does not hand over the Key then change the Locks she has to learn
@shaggin (72021)
• United States
8 Jun 10
That is a really hard decision to make and its sad that you have to make it. Her being 17 I think you are legally responsible for her until shes 18 so I dont know if you can just kick her out. I think its awful that shes treating her younger siblings that way and messing up their lives with her irresponsible behavior. Maybe you should not allow her to hang out with her friens for awhile and make her stay home and behave properly but lol that may be a punishment for you having to be around her all the time. When I was young I was awful I gave my mother such a time. I hope my kids are nothing like me someday.
1 person likes this
@karen1969 (1779)
•
9 Jun 10
@ shaggin - The last time we grounded her, she jumped out the bedroom window!!! 
@ladym33 (10979)
• United States
8 Jun 10
17 years old seems too young to me to have all that freedom. I think it is seriously time for you to start laying down some rules to her. Life if she is staying at your house she has to be in the house by a certain time change the locks if you have to, if she is home by that time you will let her in if not you will not, and if she wants money from you she is going to have to earn it somehow. Legally she is stil your responsibility so you have to provide food to her. You actually have to let her in and provide shelter for her too, but I think a couple of times of locking her out should do the trick if she does not adhere to your rules. If the lack of respect continues then the day she turns 18 then throw her out, do give her a warning that you will be doing so though, say she really needs to shape up or she will no longer be a welcome resident of your home.
1 person likes this
@karen1969 (1779)
•
9 Jun 10
If we lock her out, she bangs on the door and shouts, throws stones at her brother's bedroom window and generally makes a big fuss so we get up and let her in. I don't want her to disturb the neighbours (many of whom are elderly), so I tend to get up and let her in quite quickly.
@mysticmaggie (2498)
• United States
8 Jun 10
Sad to say I would ask her to leave. You have your hands full with the kids who have serious health problems.
Your 17-year old is not only out of control, she has no concern about hurting her sibling and that's truly frightening.
With the 17-year old having so many problems, there is no way I would have allowed her to take the 14-year old out for any reason. It seems as though it's asking for trouble.
1 person likes this
@sblossom (2168)
•
7 Jun 10
Hiya, I feel sorry for you. I know some teenagers are really problem, but I don't think you can let her out.
first she's 17 years, according the law you are still responsible for her.
second she has no enough money to survive. Can you imagine how can she live?
I really feel sorry for you but I think you should have other ways to change her or give her some rules to obey.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
7 Jun 10
At 17, they can be tried in a court of law as an adult. My daughter was evicted from where I live at 17 because of legal trouble she got into. I was still legally responsible for her but she could not enter the property. It was a pretty challenging time. I loved her very much but not the things she was doing. I did visit her whereever she was staying which changed constantly and I did bring her "care packages" of food etc. I did not bail her out of her legal troubles and I did not give her cash. These kids do find a way to survive and when things get really tough for them then they might just find a job and do what's right.
2 people like this
@p3ks626 (6538)
• Philippines
8 Jun 10
Your daughter is only 17, she obviously need some care. I think she just want to have attention from you. She's only a teenager and if you send her away, I think her situation is going to get worst. Maybe your thinking that she's going to become more responsible if she is going to move out but the way I see it, its not going to be like that.
1 person likes this
@aquariand (464)
•
8 Jun 10
This is a really hard decision to make and I have been here myself when my children were teenagers, the thing is you have to focus on the well being of your children that are still at home. It is important that they have the routine and calm they deserve.
When my eldest daughter was the same age 17 she was disruptive, out all night clubbing and coming home and coming down from partying, she used to pick on my youngest daughter and her older brother and cause rows in the house, she even used to smash things when she was in a temper.
This totally put the whole house at odds. it was hell. I never thought we'd get through it.
In the end I suggested she find her own flat and helped her with the deposit, this gave her independance and also us some peace. It is a difficult time for teenagers sometimes to ajust into adulthood and it seems that they are angry and everyone has to pay the price.
I know its harsh telling a child they have to leave, but if you suggest it to her in a calm way and tell her you'll help her to move out as it will give her independance, then she may think it's a good idea. Also visiting her often to see how she is doing.
My eldest daughter is now settled she is 28 and has a good job, she has a son who is lovely and we all get on really well, this time will pass but some girls find it hard to go through.
The only thing you have to try is to be there for them but still be there for your younger children, as they also are being affected too.
Good luck I hope it all sorts itself out soon.
1 person likes this
@karen1969 (1779)
•
9 Jun 10
The first bit of your response is exactly how our house is when she is here. I have tried to talk to her but she just comes out with rubbish really, she doesn't take in what we are saying to her. My son saw her at school yesterday and had a talk with her, as she listens to him more than she does me.
@yahwehmyredeemer (45)
• India
8 Jun 10
she is now out of your control,so better leave her on her own,but dont stop showin love towards her,maybe one day she may repent and come back to you and start a new life,dont give up,god bless you!!
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
7 Jun 10
That's a tough situation, and I wouldn't want to be in it myself!
I don't think you should tell her she has to move out. I think that will alienate her even more, she'll feel like she's not part of the family, that will hurt her and probably cause emotional damage later in her life.
I think instead, for now at least, you have to lay down some ground rules. For instance, she can't come in and out after 9pm (or whatever time the others go to sleep).. she can't take money without asking, she can't take her siblings out without adult supervision since we know she can't be trusted anymore.. add to that any other rules you feel she needs.
Then come up with a concequence. If the concequence is to take away her house key, or to make her move out.. but still it's best to tell her ahead of time that if she behaves this way she will be forced to move out. That way it's basically her choice to do it.. and explain to her why you've come to this point, because of all the things you've said here.
Good Luck!
1 person likes this
@starmoon2815 (176)
• India
8 Jun 10
HI Karen soory to hear about about the situatuion,
Firstly i would like to say that your daughter is only 17, she is doing all this may be under influence of her friends or she is with some bad company that why she is behaving like this which is causing trouble not only to you but also to others.
Telling her to move out is not correct, she is your daughter and you have to correct her to come back to right track.She is fallen in wrong track of her life, instead of helping her to come out if you tell her to move out , your daughter life could turn out worse.
Firstly try talking to her why she is behaving like this, try to take out what is really wanting .Most importanly try to stop th her to going to wrong company of friends , she could be doing this under their influences.
Take her to some councelling session, or some spiritual kind of people that can help her to come out from what she is doing and could change her life.
This all could be though for you but i feel you should try to help her come out from what she is really undergoing .
Doonot alway keep shouting, you can explain thing in many better ways, usally what when you will shout them, they will usually keeping doing that things more and more.
My best wishes for you!!!
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
7 Jun 10
Karen, so sorry to read your ongoing situation. I can understand from your previous posts all the stress you are under. This is a very difficult situation for you. We can easily say to you to kick her out and be done with it. But honey you have to live with the decision. I suppose tolerating some of your daughters actions a way for you to know that she is still ok. Kicking her out will leave you wondering about her whereabouts and what she is up to. This is a very difficult situation for any mother to endure. I can't not imagine going through this, however some tough love must be asserted, as you are now facing another up in coming problem with the 14 year old. The only thing I can suggest is that you take care of you, if you have a melt down then you will be of no use to your 14 yr old either. My suggestion would be for you to take time to really think about how YOU can make yourself stronger. I cannot suggest what would be the best action towards your 17 yr old behavior as you are her mother and you will hurt over a quick decision. Reading your comment reminds me of how blessed I am with my two kids and that that it would be unfair for me or anyone to tell you what would be best for you. I do however feel that it is you who needs the comforting, as a mother you have done all you can and as a mother myself, I know you will continue. Be strong Karen and tell yourself that you have done all you could. I would suppose talking to her is out of the question as it appears that she will not take time to listen. Keep telling her you love her and pray for her. Feel free to PM anytime if even to scream. You are entitled.
1 person likes this
@asixto69 (3)
• United States
7 Jun 10
basically she has moved out already. She only seems to come home when she needs something. I guesse youshould set ruls for her and unless she i to visi the house without expecting clothes, money, etc. then its fine otherwise she is not allowed if she is going to disturb your daily routine with the rest of te familly
@Alphra99 (3)
• United States
7 Jun 10
Your 17yr old seems to be doing just enough to scrape by. I believe you tell her she has 2 weeks to straighten up or she is gone. When the 2 weeks are up, if she hasnt done any better, you should pack her things for her and have them waiting for her when she gets home, change the locks and be done with it. Apparently she has no respect for you or the family, or she would change on her own and you wouldnt have to ask her.
1 person likes this
@leighann675 (78)
•
7 Jun 10
I say make her move out. She is clearly having an incredibly negative impact on your family and it does not seem she feels comfortable at home anyway. At best, she will learn that she is better off at home and after a few months want to come back. This could improve her behaviour and get her in gear to find a job. Soon there will be no alternative if she wants to survive in the big, bad world. I hope this helps and thats she eventually develops into a mature and responsible adult. Fingers crossed!
1 person likes this
