problems at home
By JustinStout
@JustinStout (174)
United States
June 22, 2010 7:43am CST
ok, so i just bought my wife some flowers, and i am determined to make things right, but in my mind i feel that maybe there are some underlining issues at home that i won't be able to over come. I don't want to resort to counsleing yet but i fell that it may end up there if we aren't careful.
so a little background and to make a long story short, i don't hit women won't do it, my father was abusive and ill die trying to not be like him. but my ex before my wife, we had an argument when i was drunk and she hit me several times when the conversation got more heated, but when she was hitting me she told me to stop hitting her. Never once was a close to her, so i don't know if it was something from her childhood that was triggered but i never really let that wound heal, and our relationship fell apart. Now my wife and her were like arch rivals in high school and she always pops up at the most inconvienient time, it's something that she never lets loose, this girl was my high school love...blahblahblah, needless to say, my wife and i got in an argument a few days ago, i had fallen asleep and my younges was in his crib crying and i didn't hear him, she scornfully asked if i was asleep and just going to let him cry, words were exchanged, i never said anything harmful or hurtful, but i wasn't pleasant, and she reached over and pinched and scratched me out of anger, now she says she's sorry that she was trying to point at me but there was a scar or scratch mark that went all the way up my abdomen. That doesn't get left behing by a point... now we have been at each others throats since then. I think in my m i nd i haven't forgave her, but whats it going to take for a scratch to escalate to something worse? Can we fix our issues? any advice would be wonderful. i don't want to hurt her anymore, it feels as if i am backing her in a corner
3 people like this
6 responses
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
22 Jun 10
Hi Justin,
Any physical contact done in anger is concerning. It shows a complete lack of self-control. Is the first time that she has been physical with you? How is her temper otherwise? It may not be the case with your wife but in most cases physical violence esculates. It could be just a one time incident that would never ever happen again but the fact that it was so unwarranted kind of makes me wonder. You have to wonder why she herself did not just get out of bed and go get the child rather than wake you up out of a sound sleep. Also, why does she feel so angry and threatened by your highschool sweetheart at this time in your lives? What even brings the subject up? I get it that they were rivals in highschool and all but she is a grown woman now...married with children. The picture you paint here sounds as if she is a pretty unstable person.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
22 Jun 10
Ok now that you have explained it a little more....maybe she is not unstable. I imagine it is hard to have the ex still be involved with your family members. Sounds as if you both are under a lot of stress right now. I hope you can talk this all out and come to a peaceful understanding. You need to pull it together and be a team. Marriage does go thru some rough spots but if you work together you will become closer rather than further apart. best of luck to both you and your family.
@JustinStout (174)
• United States
22 Jun 10
Thank you so much, yeah i guess i should have clearified that a lil more huh. it is a bit strange going home and still my mother has pictures of the ex. But i think my mother is at fault to make my wife fell that way but that i guess would be a totally different story. needless to say thank you s0 much again for the advice, i bought her some flowers today and she absolutely loved them, when i got home she was like what did you do.....lol. Of course i did nothing but she liked them nonetheless
@JustinStout (174)
• United States
22 Jun 10
I feel that she didn't mean to cause phisical harm, but it almost seemed malicious the way she pinched. But i was just waking up from sleeping so i wasn't the most chipper person out there either. Basically when she did that i told her she will never do that again. now translate that how you want, i mean no aggression towards her what so ever it would take an act of god or my life at stake to hurt someone lesser than me, but Im not about to let any kind of abuse go unanswered whether it be, seperation, or cousling. She know that and she feels the same way and she knows my childhood background and she is appoligetic about what happened.
Now for the ex, the only reason i brought that up was because it ended on a bad not due to her hitting me, and the fact that my sister is my ex's best friend, my wife sometimes doesn't understand why she isn't out of my families lives as well as mine. she thinks that she has to compete with her to be loved by my family. Now my family loves my wife but she believes it to be fake. I dunno, i don't think she is unstable at all i just think that maybe we are at a rough point in our relationship whether it be my transition back from iraq to having two kids and a stay at home mom, and both our stresses are high, but they say that it is supposed to be hard at first but it gets easier, sometimes to me it doesn't seem to be getting easier.
J
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
23 Jun 10
I read somewhere that anger in people is the symptom of a deep sadness so there are usually underlying issues as to why a person will display instances of rage. I personally appreciate this because I went through many years consumed by a nasty anger that affected every part of my life. I have a husband and a daughter and I didn’t want to resort to violence toward either of them so I sought help at my doctor’s who referred me to a therapist and I now I feel so much better. Perhaps that is what your wife may need, could she be suffering from post natal depression? It sounds as though she may be going through something like that...Is there any way you could encourage her to seek help? Violence has no place in a relationship regardless if it is perpetrated by the man or the woman. I hope you get to have a talk and somehow sort this out...I wish you the best...
@JustinStout (174)
• United States
23 Jun 10
paula thank you so much and I am glad that you reached out for help as well and you are feeling better. now she has asked me if i could set her up some help with counselers and a therapist, and i hate the thought of her being sad because it makes me feel as if i am doing something majorly wrong, and i would hate myself for that. I may let her reach out and try to talk to someone because maybe that is what we both need, i have been talking to a doc since i got home because i have been having an adaptablity disorder and i feel that he is helping me through it. maybe we should do a joint session too.
thanks again paula, you have been very insightful
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21016)
•
22 Jun 10
Hi Justin, Where domestic violence is concerned it is just as unacceptable for the woman to do this as the man, no a point does not leave a scratch and your wife should be the one saying sorry with flowers NOT YOU. However you mention baby, if this is the first time this has happened and she is sorry itcould be to do with her hormones, she may even be a little depressed with the baby blues so rather than arguing pick a time perhaps when you are both eating dinner and baby asleep to have a discussion about it and asked her how she is feeling, is the baby making her extratired and iritable, is there anyway you can help and also after this section of converstion perhaps mention the doctor or that you both have counselling. You have combined your experience with your ex with this situationwhich I feel has probably triggered past stuff within yourself so maybe worth dealing with once and for all. Huggles. Ellie :D
@JustinStout (174)
• United States
22 Jun 10
Thanks again ellie, great advice, these are all things that i am going to try to use in the future, now as for my personal experience or past experience i try to leave that totally out of this. I am a fan of live in the present, work towards the future and leave the past behind you. So that is what i have done but sometimes it seems that the wife brings her up and odd and rather random times that too me seem needless, it seems that that will be a wound that will never heal with her. and i pray that it won't be detrimental to our marrige. On a lighter note, i am going to do the best to live by my morals and maybe we can work through our issues
thanks again
J
@edorms36 (275)
• United Arab Emirates
22 Jun 10
HI! I am sorry I cannot give you a more positive reply because as for me if there is already physical abuse or violence associated with arguments in a relationship, that will already mean the end of it, 'coz I believe that respect is the most important ingredient in any relationship and if this is already lost then nothing can save the relationship from being sour and bitter and the couple will only live in misery or worthless tolerance of each other.
@JustinStout (174)
• United States
22 Jun 10
nonetheless it is good advice. and thank you. I am still optimistic for my families sake that we can work through this rough period. And we both told ourselves that we won't let each other live in misery and we would be adults about it. im not willing to say that right now is the time to end it, because i love her with all my heart but im more curious if maybe others have shared similar experiences and that they made it through the rocky road.
J
@merma1267 (130)
• Philippines
22 Jun 10
first, don't compare the status of your married life to your ex-wife with your current wife. I wanna ask you, if u ever initiate a simple conversation with your wife meaning " no shouting at all ".. COMMUNICATION is the most important INGREDIENT in ANY relationship. There's nothing wrong if you're going to do that with your wife. So, you can explain your side properly. Your question if " you and her can fix the issues ??? YES.. you can. It's a matter of talking that you BOTH calmed ENOUGH.
@JustinStout (174)
• United States
22 Jun 10
Yeah we talk, we try to talk, sometimes it feels like she counters a lot of my comments meaning, i say something and she justifies an argument. Like i said earlier it is petty arguments, but sometimes its the little things that build up that start fights. Now it's nothing aggressive it is just annoying arguments, that we end up just stop talking for a bit. We both understand communication is the main ingredient, but we both are guilty of falling short sometimes. i think we have some sit down talk time scheduled tonight when the babies go to sleep.
thanks for your advice
@sweetloveforeve (13120)
• Portugal
9 Jul 10
your wife hurt you not you hurting her. i think you should talk seriously with her bcs everytime you have a big arguement she beats you and that is not showing that she loves you. you need maybe to go to a doctor with her if she doesnt change her attitude. anyway dont give flowers to her neither feel guilty bcs she was the one doing bad not you :( dont blame yourself for what she did to you. is not your fault and you are not like your father^^ you should be proud of yourself for being so sweet^^ you didnt hit her after she hits you and you even bought flowers to her? you are too sweet guy dont let her hurt you^^ try to go to doctor and solve things^^ if doesnt work dont worry you can find someone better^^
