Adopted
By virdell1
@virdell1 (57)
United States
January 16, 2011 10:11am CST
We adopted my daughter when she was 2 days old. It was the most wonderful day of my life. I am unable to get pregnant and my heart was broken knowing I would never have children. Then the phone call came that a friend of a friend was giving her baby up for adoption. We did the legal paperwork and waited 7 months until our daughter was born.
Now, she is 23 years old. I had always told her that I would help her find her birth mother when the time was right. My daughter knew she was adopted from the very beginning and I always made sure I never said anything bad about the birth mother.
One year ago, we found the birth mother and a few weeks later My daugher and her birth mother met. I thought I was doing everything right and felt pretty secure about the bond my daughter and I had until she started calling her birth mother "Mom".
Here's the problem, I don't feel like the birth mother earned the right to be called Mom. She was 23 years old when she gave up her baby. She was working, had a pretty stable life with lots of family that wanted her to keep the baby. The reason she didn't want the baby was because she just didn't want to raise a child. She wanted to be free of any responsibility. Now she is telling my daughter that she just wasn't capable of giving her the life the she should have. As far as I'm concerned she threw the baby away.
After all of the work is done, the raising, education, and everything, this woman is acting like she did all of the work. The birth mother has a good job, nice home and still has no other children. NOW she wants to have a relationship with my daughter as if she raised her.
I am hurt and sad and angry all at once. My daughter doesn't understand how much it hurts to hear her talk about her birth mother and calling her mom. I don't get upset in front of my daugter, but I do cry a lot when I'm alone. I feel like I have lost my daughter to someone that never did love her. I'm not sure what to do.
1 person likes this
5 responses
@IchaSweetz (51)
• Indonesia
17 Jan 11
hmmmm. I am really sad and I can feel it. My mom was adopted too. My advice, let your daughter choose because what is important now is her decision. most of adopted children will chose parents who adopt them because they nurture them. But I can't promise anything since every case has it's secret. But I will pray for you.
@IchaSweetz (51)
• Indonesia
18 Jan 11
No problem. Would you tell us later about your daughter's decision? I just want to know how is the progress, if you don't mind :)
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
16 Jan 11
Hello,
I never experience adopting before but as far as I read your discussion... I can feel the pain you have. Well, every child has the right to know their own birth Mother... and you did the right thing. about her calling her birth Mom as Mom is normal for the kid cuz it is just something that she wants to say in a long time. If she were in your shoe, she would know and understand what and how you feel... but she is not. Now, she just meet her Birth Mom so she is in another road... she is exciting and she wants to spend time with her as well, am I right? but in the mean time, you are a little invisible to her... Hard to hear and hard to accept it but it is true. For her Birth Mom, she is not a responsible person in the first place... and you took that turn for her. I know the feeling of Mom and Daughter... it is hard, but you have to let her do what she wants... she is old enough to make her own decision now and you dont want to push your luck away from her, dont you? But I am sure, she still have you in her heart... have you heard this phrase "A leaf never fall far from it own tree" I wish you good luck, hope you feel better.
If you Daughter want to go with her Birth Mom, (if I were you) I would say Yes... but I will also say " As long as you have me in your heart, I am still you Mother from day 1 till now... I love you as my own life and I never want to let you go but I can't hold you in one place. whenever you feel that you need me, my door is always open for you." Time is decision... now, make yourself better and be around with her. Good luck
@virdell1 (57)
• United States
16 Jan 11
Smile, yes you are right, my daugter is old enough to make her decisions and I accept that. I have already told her that I will be here for her. She is my heart and I will always love her.
I agree that she has the right to know her birth mother and that's why I helped her find her birth mother. It's so important to know her "roots" and where she got her looks from.
There is a saying: Having a child makes you no more a parent than owning a piano makes you a pianist.
You are also right about my daughter not knowing how I feel until she has children of her own. I keep telling my husband that ten years from now everything will be as it should.
1 person likes this
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
16 Jan 11
You are very awesome mom, I can tell that. you are very understandable person and I know it is hard for us as a Mom seeing my own child comfort by someone else that never responsible for their action. But, God is with us... she will know and always picturing you as she aways... i know that. Hanging in there, you will be alright...
@aprilsong (1884)
• China
18 Jan 11
Hi, after reading your post, i feel you are really a great mother. You deserve your daughter's love. While her birth mother doesn't.
You are great not only because you raise her with your best, but also you let her know there is a birth mother for her. You know, some selfish women may not let their adopted kids to know the truth, or even they have known it, they won't help them to find their birth mothers. What you did is really great.
I do think you don't need to worry too much about your daughter's love. You have been with her for more than twenty years, which will mean so much for her. It is natural that your daughter feels close with her birth mother, but it is also truth you raised her and loved her in the past 20 years. And she will know your kindness and your love when she has her own kids and experience the hardship of being a mother.
@virdell1 (57)
• United States
18 Jan 11
Aprilsong...you are right about my daughter not really understanding what being a mother is until she has her own children. That's why I don't get mad at her when she makes rude comments to me. She is just inexperienced in life right now.
I am thankful she is working and taking care of herself.
Yesterday was her birthday and I didn't get to see her because she was with her "other" family so I am hoping to see her this weekend. If not, I will be happy in knowing that we do have a bond as mother/daughter.
Thanks for your support and kind words.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
27 Jan 11
Hi Virdell,
Don't worry, this will all pass. You are the one that raised the girl and the one she grew up loving. You are the only mom that this girl has ever known...until now. I'm sure she wants to get to know her birth mother and understand why it was that she was given up. I'm sure it hurts to listen to but the newness of this will wear off, I'm sure. You are the one that she has all her memories with and that counts for a lot. Have faith in that. 
@buggles64 (2709)
• United States
17 Jan 11
I think congratulations are in order...you raised a child to respect adults, and you deserve the credit for raising a child who would still want to call her birth mother "Mom" after she gave her up for adoption. She is more than likely calling her "Mom" out of respect and still sees you as her Mother...as the saying goes, anyone can be a Mom but it takes someone special to be a Mother.
